Friday, May 28, 2010
When are you going to realize?

He really doesn’t care. Abandon your children, enlist for a year, follow your dreams, or don’t. Dance around a bonfire naked while fucking a billion men and film it then share that tape with everyone online to prove how hot you still are, even after a few kids… whatever. He.Doesn’t.Care.About.you.

~*~


Now that that's done with... It’s been a long day. I spent a lot of it in the gym. Between last night and today I’m utterly beat. But he is on his way home now and he’s so worth the wait. I think I’ll take a nap until his boat arrives.

Maybe I'll even dream...

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I’ve missed you.



I’m so very glad you’re coming home today.


I’m a little relieved after spending a few hours in the gym last night, and able to head back again this afternoon for a few more hours… I was able to express to him my preference to go to the gym alone and he was alright with it. I would expect no less of him, really.

It’s funny how we build these emotional walls based on preconceived notions of what we expect another’s reactions to be. I bet you if we broke down those walls every now and then and went against our ‘better judgement’ we’d find ourselves surprised – pleasantly surprised even.

Anyway, I’m starting to think about a second tattoo. I’m thinking he and I should get something larger perhaps that speaks a little louder. I’m not too certain, but I’m sketching out designs now for it. We’ll see what we come up with.

So far, here's what I have in mind (for the right shoulder blade):

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Busy, busy day ahead of me. I need to stop writing and get out of here.


It feels as though everything is falling into place just perfectly. And with you coming home tonight, I’ve no reason to complain about anything at all.
Thursday, May 27, 2010


I know that one-day, this song is going to be ours.

We’re just shy of 2 months together now. We’re getting to see glimpses of one another’s real sides. You know… The sides we indirectly hide at the start of any relationship. And so far, I’m not too disappointed and I don’t think he is either. In fact, I’d like to think we’re falling in love with one another’s faults as true as we possibly can.

And… the disruptions are starting to work themselves out and I’m finding some normality is coming back. For example, I’ll be going to the gym tonight. And I’ll go tomorrow if I can make it work… I’ve missed so many days since I met him… It’s disgusting. And no matter what he says, our ‘working out’ together isn’t nearly the same. I’m starting to feel fat, which is insane considering my weight.

He’s found work on the island and starts Monday. He could have started today, but he needs to get a few things sorted before he makes that move. And there’s still the whole him getting to know my dad issue… My dad arrives on the 1st, I’m to leave on the 2nd or 3rd. I have no idea how we’re going to pull this off in such short time, but I know we will. Lars is a good man. My father will trust in that because he trusts me and soon enough, he will see for himself.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
It looks like the month of June is going to kick my ass. And that’s probably a good thing. July following and being the anniversary of both my mother’s birth and death, I’ll probably need the down time.

My father returns on the 1st. My boss wants me in Squamish a month ago. Conversations with her today were almost dramatic, in a good way of course. She offered to pay for one of my trips if I make two out there in June. She offered me her home while she is planned away at the cabin, if I needed a place to stay. And she offered me an advance so I can get my brakes all sorted out before I head there. She’d like me right away (like the 2nd or 3rd) then once again when her daughter goes on vacation the 3rd week of June. I was hoping to make 1 trip, mid month to cover both ends. But there’s training to be done and no one else to do it, and her daughter needs a vacation (and she so truly deserves one!) and no one else to cover, I guess.

I love my job; even on it’s worst days (those are usually days I feel that I don’t get paid enough – which I’m fairly certain, also due to conversations today, will sort itself out soon). But really, when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t trade a larger wage for a lesser place to work. I love my bosses. I love my colleagues. I love what I do. I love my job.

Anyway, between that and a few business endeavours my father and I are looking into and were hoping to start mid-June, not to mention Lars hopefully moving in permanently in June, it’s going to be a busy month to get through. I don’t imagine I’ll have a lot of time for this blog – though I’ll try.

Writing again has been invigorating. I hope not to stop.
You can know a person a lifetime and never really know them at all.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across a truer sentence. In this case, I’m starting to think I’m the one that you don’t know at all… And it would make sense that you don’t know me. We were apart for almost a decade. You can’t expect to gain that much knowledge, that much growth, or even that much observation or perspective in less than a year or two. It would be arrogant of me to think you know even a millimetre below the surface of who I am. It’s rather ignorant of you to think you know anything about me at all. But that of course, is just my opinion and we all know opinions are like assholes, don’t we?

For the sake of the sake... I sincerely don't care. I'm simply indifferent to you.

You keep telling yourself you have all the answers. In your own head (and to those who will listen to you) you’re welcome to fix my life along with everyone else’s all you please. You can even keep attempting to push your ideas on me if it suites you fine. I decided long ago, I want to live my life. That’s what I intend to do. And I’m fairly certain I can do that just fine without you or your ideas in it. So I’ll just keep not listening and continue disregarding, deleting and ignoring while you keep talking and you won’t faze me one bit outside your own world - and I promise I won't interrupt what happens in there. That's your very own space. This way, everyone’s happy. And I like happy. Happy is good.

Talking about happy…

I’m trying my hardest to send happy thoughts to one of my my best friend's on earth. I spoke to her the other night (Lar’s got to ‘meet’ her) and she explained to me that she’s finally divorcing the asshole who’s stolen any happy moment she could possibly have had over the past few years.

I talk about her in my old blog, here, as well as in multiple other places throughout both blogs and even older online journals that I've since made private. The trip I mentioned booking in that linked entry, never fell through because the bastard she’s now divorcing from beat the shit out of her and locked her in the house making her miss her flight.

I’ve told her multiple times if she’d just come here, we’ll get her a visa and sort everything else out afterwards. She is one person I would literally give my life for – and the last time I saw her was when she delivered her daughter in Serbia in 2003. I miss her terribly.

And now she’s suffering. Hopefully, for the last time at the hands of this asshole. Please send positive thoughts and prayers her; hope she can make it out this way sometime soon. If there's anyone on earth that deserves happiness, it's this woman. I've never known someone so noble, honest, true or even pure.

I <3 you Zorana. I really do. (And even if we do both end up in the trash, we'll be there together and laughing so it's all good!)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
http://unrestrictedsurf.com/surfing.php <-- Doesn't work for shit. You might want to test these things out on your own blog before trying them on the ones you really don't want people to know you're looking at.
Monday, May 24, 2010
We had a bit of a tiff last night. I suppose you could say this is our first that’s wholly our own. The only other disagreement we had was because his psycho-ex didn’t understand the concept of boundaries and I won’t have it. The past is the past and that’s where it should stay. I sincerely believe that you can’t move on to the future until you’ve let the past go. It’s a concept she could probably do with learning…

Anyway, that argument well… wasn’t even really an argument. I attempted to walk away from a situation that caused me pain (in doing so, I was walking away from him), choosing not to force him to make decisions based on an ultimatum, but choosing instead to try and express what I felt and why I wouldn’t have any part of it. He made a choice on his own to rid our relationship of the offending force, and we ended up in each other’s arms, stronger than before.

Last night… Last night what we had was an argument. We weren’t screaming and yelling or anything like that. I doubt he and I could ever get like that. But I did make my frustration known and I did explain what had frustrated me before showering alone (90% of the showers we take these days are taken together), and curling up on the couch to watch TV without saying another word. He had spoken to me, only briefly, with a sharp, disrespectful tone. I’m really big on respect and simply will not accept less for myself than being respected at all times. He stepped over a line as far as I was concerned.

Pride kept him from offering an apology. Instead, he lay on my bed alone (couldn’t even bring himself to get under the covers without me), trying to gain the courage to apologize, to come out and talk to me. My stubbornness kept me on the couch in and out of sleep until about 3:30am when I woke up wide-awake and unable to fall back to sleep.

I turned the TV back on and flipped through the channels for a bit before turning it off and dragging myself to my room, to my bed, and into his arms. He wasn’t asleep. He reached his arms around me and whispered he was sorry in my ear. We snuggled into each other and talked for a little bit about what had happened and how we felt before passion took over…

As he touched me, I realized I’ve never before been with someone so intent on pleasing me in every possible way. I’ve never had someone do as much for me as he does, whether it is with daily things like cooking or cleaning, or the intimate things. I’ve never been touched the way he touches me. He always makes sure I’m well taken care of in every possible way. Enjoying every inch of him last night, I started to feel selfish. He really doesn’t let me do enough for him. He really does too much for me.

When our heart’s stopped racing and we were finally able to breath again, we talked for a bit about this. Still tangled in each other, he laughed at the idea of me feeling selfish… He feels it’s ridiculous as I spoil him but in different ways.

I jumped up to cook us Eggs, Sausage and toast. We ate it in bed, before falling back to sleep together - the way it should always be.

Perhaps that’s the way this relationship is bound to go? We can’t get enough of each other. We can’t do enough for each other. Perhaps we’ll spend eternity just giving to each other all that we have to give? And maybe that’s the way it should be? Maybe that’s what every one of my past relationships was missing? And maybe this is what’s going to keep us together…?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
...The way we play together.

<3
I was feeling a little bit crappy this morning. While I work, my man is out buying me sweets as an effort to help me feel better. I dragged him to the gym last night. For the most part, the gym is something I like to do on my own, but I’m certain he had a good time there.

I stumbled across a fun little T-shirt sales site this morning. I liked what I saw enough to become a member. As a result, you can enter the coupon code ‘sale’ at check out and you’ll get 15% off anything you purchase.

Here are some of my favorites:

I !*&% Zombies

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~*~

Pants on the Ground!

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(Lars’s nephew loves this song. I think I might have to buy the shirt for him!)

~*~

You like this

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Every person who has a Facebook account should have this shirt to sleep in.

~*~
And this one… this one is my absolute favourite. But no image for you. You must click on it to see.

Half Evil


I hope everyone else woke up feeling a little better than I did today. Perhaps I'll find myself more inspired to write more later.
Saturday, May 22, 2010


It’s funny the way the sexes and sexuality works. I have no issues with gay men nor women, in fact, I’m certain I was on the verge of becoming a lesbian prior to Lars. I’ve experimented with women in the past and found I was not able to climax. I was not a lesbian. But reality remains, enough bad in one sex, who knows what the other might eventually accomplish…? I was certainly finding the idea of becoming romantically involved with a woman, far more appealing than the idea of actually being with a male. Perhaps this is one more way that Lars is a miracle in my life... He’s a perfect contradiction to where I thought my life was headed.

Anyway, we’ve been throwing around the idea of going to Sin City for a while now. Today, it happened to come up on my Facebook page, with mentions of the James Bondage night I attended a few months back. When I reminded him I’d kissed a girl there and asked him if he wasn’t afraid it’d happen again, his reaction was, “Don’t let me stop that… so long as you don’t go home with her.”

Funny, I think I’d be disgusted and pissed if I caught him kissing boys. Funnier still, I know his reaction would be the complete opposite. He’d enjoy watching, even taking part in that sort of thing. I’ve never met a guy who wouldn’t. Why is that so? What makes men and women so different when it comes to these sorts of things? Why is it so much more globally acceptable, even pleasurable for two women to be with each other, and not so much the same for two men?
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I'm a big fan of food. I know I’ve found a good man while I’m here working and he’s in the kitchen not only making me breakfast, but making sure it looks good because I believe when you eat your eyes should eat as well. Here are a few of the homemade meals we’ve recently shared:



Butterscotch, Blueberry Pancakes, with Fresh Cream and Strawberries
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~*~

The Best Selection of Fruit Ever, with Chocolate and Whipped Cream
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~*~

Chilli with Rice Chips and Fresh Veggie Dip (to go with the veggies next of course)
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~*~

Veggies with Avacodo (because who doesn’t love avocado?)
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~*~

Blueberry Crepes with Honey and Peanut Butter
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As if this all didn’t make you hungry!


Looking good and things that look good are important to me. I believe it affects the way you feel and act. Like food tastes better when it looks better, you feel better dressed in something new over something old (unless of course it’s the old favourite sweater with holes in it!). Perhaps it’s just one more reason we get along so well… This boy and I… we look good together.

I’d leave photographic evidence of that here… but I’m afraid I’ve an audience member I’d rather not see such things.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My neck hurts so I’m cranky. Instead of doing anything that matters Lars and I are spending the day cuddling in bed because we matter to each other. He took two minutes to take the photos off his phone (it’s about fucking time!). Here are some of my favourites:

I know it`s dark, but there`s something about the sun creating a halo I adore…

May 2010

~*~

This is the restaurant I talk about here.

May 2010

~*~

One of the best weekend’s ever:

May 2010

~*~

Kay, so I might just be a little retarded. So what if I found riding the bus exciting. It’s something I hadn’t done in years!! Check out the wierdo’s checking us out in the background.

May 2010

~*~

Toes. Best photo EVER:

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(Even Lars likes my toes!)

~*~

Scratch that… THIS is the best photo ever:

May 2010
(I <3 him)

~*~

Only a REAL man would ride the carousel with me:

May 2010

~*~

What more could I ask for?

May 2010


I think I’m going to eat fruit and take my baby back to bed now.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
…but first a little nostalgia:



They’re coming up near my old house at the end of this video. I lived and drove in this country for more than 10 years and I’m not dead. It’s not amazing I can manoeuvre a car better than most on this side of the planet….

Now lets talk about really good things. And because I’m in such a brilliant mood, I think Ill do it in rainbow colours.

I spent a good portion of my morning talking to an old friend about nothing and everything. Old friends are sometimes really good things. They can be bad, and we can be in denial about that for a time, but eventually life (my life anyway) will weed out the bad and allow the good back in. At the end of the day, if you cause me more pleasure than pain, Im going to welcome you Because that feels right to me.

Love is a good thing. Love for yourself, love for others. I really love myself and I love those around me these days. Im comforted in knowing I bring those near to me happiness, and a take pleasure from them just the same. We talked this morning about how boring and annoying all this positive is bound to get, but I figure if youre in the right frame of mind (and I believe right now I am), you just cant get enough good.

Lars is coming home today. I cant wait. And though Ive not mentioned to him, Im arranging it so that I dont have to leave immediately after upon my fathers arrival. Hopefully, that will give the two men enough time to get to know one another; well all be comfortable with him living here while Im absent. Thats another good thing to come.

Today is a good day. And this is a good song to leave you with


You don’t deserve credit, respect or admiration for what your parents did.

It all boils down to you being two disposable things: human sperm & a human egg – both of which are disposed of regularly; one monthly in a rush of blood, the other on the tummy or back of, down the throat of a girlfriend, a one-night-stand, fuck-buddy, rubber-doll, or prostitute as frequently as you change panties (and that’s being generous), not to mention into tissue or on bed-sheets or in some other random place.

You want respect? Earn it. Don’t expect it for what others did before you - even if you are made from what could have equally been their trash.

Reality’s a bitch, isn’t it?

Before I lay my head down tonight, know that I’m in love with you. I never thought I’d find someone so true. I know you were made for me and I was made for you. I sleep best when I’m sleeping in your arms.

And I miss you.

It hurts me that you’re far and I so very badly want to pull you near (even when I have nothing to say), but at the same time, I’m terrified of what that means.

When you’re next to me, holding me, kissing me, on me, and in me even, I’m certain I want nothing more than an eternity with you. I crave you and all that you can and will give me. I want to be the mother of your children, as I know I’d be blessed to help pass on the genes that make you. You are perfect to me.

But is it not insane that I feel this way? We still know so little about one another…?

So many times I’ve been deceived by love in the past; in love with being in love, it’s true.

And not actually in love with any one man at all….

Is this real? Would losing you sting a decade from now?

And if so, just who are you and where did you come from? What gives you the right to interrupt my world and show me what love is really meant to be for me? Was I not good enough near complete, believing love was beat? I wasn’t really bad, though I wasn’t really good. It didn’t matter either way then. You made me good and you made it matter. I want so bad to be angry at you for making me see it this way, but…

I love you Lars.

And I know it’s all that’s tainted me that makes me question now how true this is. If I were to turn back time, to a time when I was innocent and new to this whole love thing…

I know I wouldn’t question what we have. It just feels so right.

Good night baby. I hope you’re sleeping like an angel. And know I can’t wait to be in your arms.



Tuesday, May 18, 2010






MetalPSI,

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there is too much good in life to ignore. I’ve found myself surrounded by good-hearted people with good-hearted wills, and I feel the difference from within my core. I believe these changes are a gift from my mom, or perhaps even from a higher power to help fill the void of losing her. I think I’m on the verge of contentment, if I’m not there already. But then, how can we ever really know for certain? (Only you would understand that doubt).

I spent some time in your world today. You should write more, really. Thank you for your thoughts, for your sympathy and all the credit you’ve given me over the past year or so. Thank you most of all for your persistence.

It’s good to see how much you’ve grown. I loved to read of your smile most of all… though I am not certain it’s yet complete and I read a few things that worried me. I hope you’re alright.

I was determined to never talk to you again. And if history should repeat itself, I wouldn’t. But I’ve come to realize I don’t have to be the person I was yesterday, today. And I don’t have to make the same decisions over and over. It looks to me like you’ve been learning similar lessons. You were a very good friend once and it was because of that you were able to hurt me. I forgive you that pain. And though I know you forgive me without my request, do know that I'm sorry for my reaction.

“Life leaves you tainted. So apt and true the saying.”

As far as I'm concerned... there's nothing wrong with that.

<3 Tainted Female

P.S. Send an email my way with your numbers on it. I'd love to catch up.


~*~
I have some thinking to do.
~*~
I will get back to you.
~*~
You. ROFLMFAO. I wonder if you could look at you, would you laugh the way you make me laugh?
~*~
I hope deleting it was the right thing to do for you, Whore.
~*~
And you... I just miss you. Come home to me soon.
~*~
Monday, May 17, 2010

I give up,
I give in,
I surrender.

You’ve taken me against my will
now
there’s no other place I want to be
and
there’s no other man for me.

I give up,
I give in,
I surrender.

You’ve touched me so very deep
now
there’s this teasing ache within my core
and
I’ll ache for you forevermore.

I give up,
I give in,
I surrender.

I love you.

~For Lars May 17, 2010

I’m sorry if I hurt you. I wish neither he nor you had read that.

Hurting you guys, it’s not what I want to do. I was hurt... acting and talking out of anger caused by that pain. Venting made me feel better for a time. But now, now I just feel guilty and a whole lot of anguish for the potential turmoil I may have caused you.

We have been friends for what seems like a lifetime and to some I guess it really is. I suppose it’s human nature to take advantage of and take for granted those who are closest to us – like the housewife who saves her best China for guests only allowing her family, her emotional-life-support, to eat of the same chipped plates day after day. But then, it's really only those that are closest to us that are capable of causing such hurt... isn't it?

I wish you guys the best. I really do. But for the moment, I want nothing to do with either of you.


We’re nearing the end of the month and my father is due to return. I’ll no longer be trapped on this rock and am expected in my office on the mainland about as soon as he gets off the plane… I miss my office. I miss my sister, and my nieces and my nephew. I miss the summer life Squamish offers.

Meanwhile, Lars has a few job interviews next week here and he’s moving towards moving in permanently. The last job didn’t fall through as the guy was looking for someone to take over the company rather than just an employee. Lars didn’t have the experience in the field. The concept of him moving in was fine when it was Lars renting the room upstairs (as others do), but with him moving in as my boyfriend… it scares the hell out of me. Does he now move into the room upstairs, or does he stay in my basement suite? And where does that leave him and my father when I take off to Squish for a few weeks? What if they don’t get along (though I find it hard to believe they wouldn’t)? My father is looking to get renters the fuck out of his house just the same… Maybe we need to look into finding another place for him and I. Though I know I’m needed here. Adding a person to your life sure can complicate things.

But I am most comfortable when he is here with me and there’s nothing more I want. He went back to the mainland last night for work. I slept on the couch and my neck is still sore. He’ll be back either today, or tomorrow. I can’t wait. In the meantime:

10 things I love about you (because I can’t count either).
1. You love me for all my faults and for all my perfections and neither more nor less.
2. You let me love you the way I need to love you.
3. You never make me feel ashamed of what I feel or how I think, and;
4. You understand that these are things that make me who I am, and you appreciate them whether or not you agree.
4. You take away my fudge and other sweet things when I ask you to.
5. You want to spoil me (and believe me you will!) with all you are and all you have.
6. When it’s not ‘Humbarambababababa’, you have great taste in music and sometimes, you’ll even dance with me (though neither of us know how to dance!).
7. You respect my beliefs, even if you don’t fully understand them.
8. You’re true to who and what you are. That’s a very rare quality these days.
9. You let me tell you I love you less than you do me (though we both know I’m lying).
10. You cook, you clean, and you f@*k! (It’s not just a coincidence that I do those things too – they’re good qualities!)
11. You don’t know all the answers and you won’t even pretend that you do (not even with Google at your beck and call!)
12. You didn’t rock the ferriswheel chair on purpose when we were at the top. That’s a big thing you know?!?
13. You have pure heart and a truly empathetic core, which means;
13. You feel my joy as you feel my pain – almost as if you are an extension of me.
13. My head rests perfectly on your chest, almost like they were built as a pair.
13. You know how to use all the tools that are lying around here, and you do use them to do great things!
13. You’re great with kids. I know you’ll make a great daddy one day.
14. You let me have as many 13’s as I want!
15. My mom would have looked up to you (both literally and metaphorically).
16. You can see your own faults and aim to change them, rather then deny or ignore they exist
17. You have pride and honour and are determined to be a good man – and you are just that.
18. You can reach things I can’t. Sometimes I want things that are up high.
19. Your belly collects fluff balls of all sorts of pretty colours!
20. You brought a handful of amazing people into my life and now, I’ll never let them go.
21. You make me feel young.
22. You’re responsible, solid, and strong which gives me room to be irresponsible, squishy and even weak when I need to be.
23. You write lists for me.
24. You let me choose what we’re going to watch on TV.
25. You complete me.
26. There’s not a doubt in my mind that just about all of this is mutual.
27. I miss you when you’re far.

I miss you baby. Come back soon.

Saturday, May 15, 2010
It’s heartbreaking really…

The way some people will burn their own bridges then blame the rest of the world (including those standing on the other side a little hurt) for starting the fire.

:(

And then you die...
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I totally printed it out and made it a fridge magnet!

:)
I almost threw up last night… After work we did this:



Or at least that’s the ride we started at. By the time we were done at the fair, we had been vibrated, spun and thrown around so much both of us were on the verge of vomiting. I’d given my bubbles (that we brought along from home just for the sake of blowing off the top of the ferris-wheel) to a little girl who loved them, and Lars gave away our last ride ticket to a young man who looked like he just wasn’t done yet! We ended the evening with a Greek salad, great steak (like seriously, one of the best steaks I’ve ever had), lasagne (none for me as the crappy carb food I’ve been eating lately is making me feel yucky and cranky) and escargots, before heading home and cuddling up to sleep.

We were both plagued with disturbing dreams last night. His included me traveling to Snow Lake with him and then leaving him for a cop that pulled him over for speeding. Mine was bad, but a little more sinister and I don’t care to think about it, let alone repeat the details. Suffice it to say I was glad to wake up in his arms this morning where all was right in the world. We had our first coffee’s in bed where we cuddled up and read the OMG book for a few giggles before work.

I adore that my life is suddenly so full of giggles. Even-more-so that I’m giggling with someone I love so very much.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Someone to cry to…

Last night I had this overwhelming sense of loss for my mother. For the first time in the 9 months since she’s been gone, I’ve had someone to cry to…

I pulled out the memorial book I’d created for all who attended her memorial, and went through page after page of photographs of her smiling face, taken all over the world. The pictures of my mom holding a koala, sitting on an elephants trunk, petting a dolphin and deer, or swimming, laughing, playing with my son… they were followed by last words from those who loved her from near and far. The words perfectly painted what an amazing woman my mother was and what a tragic loss her death has brought not only to myself, but all of humanity. She was a great woman in many ways.

So I curled up last night I the arms of the man I know I lived my whole life to meet, and I cried. I cried about the loss, I cried about the years of pain and suffering she had to endure before she finally passed. I cried about all the fighting I’d done and how poorly I’d failed, the system failed, at saving my mother’s life. I cried because my mother will never get to meet this amazing man nor his amazing family and she will never meet the children he and I are bound to have.

And it was nice to have someone to cry to – after all these months of being alone that way. It was nice to have someone whom I know loves me to hold me, and kiss away my tears. It was nice to have someone understand my pain, and feel it with me, though he was never blessed with even a second of my mother’s time. It was nice to be loved when I couldn’t have possibly been feeling worse.

Shortly after that we curled up into bed and watch South Park until we slept.

Someone to laugh with…

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Before my emotional breakdown yesterday, it was a bit of a nit-picky day – mostly because I’m PMSing and we’ve spent so much time cuddling in bed this week, I’ve ignored all other chores like cleaning the house and spending time at the gym. But by evening, as usual we had a blast. We climbed the mountain across from my house, with bubble swords in hand (to leave little a fantasy behind of course) and hiked through the trails. We found that a few kilometres away, there are sightseeing spots. We aim to make a day trip, picnic and all, of finding them soon. But last night it was almost dusk when we started. Even the photos we were able to take longed for the light!

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010
They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother. It’s no surprise then, that both his mama and I were once obsessed with ALF. For me in fact, it was a little more than an obsession. I remember my mom shooing everyone away from the TV every evening at 7:30pm, because it was my time to watch my program. I remember my ALF doll, that’s long since been lost… And now, those fond memories are strongly tied with her in her death. Last week while we were in Vancouver, his mother, Jacquie gave me her ALF doll – one that Lars had given her more than 20 years ago. At the time she gifted it to me, she had no idea how precious such a gift could possibly be to me. She said she just felt like it was time for her to pass it on, and she felt that I was the right person to give it to. It almost brought me to tears – as I’m sure you can see in the photos in that previous entry. If ever it was meant to be…

Also not surprising then, is the fact that she’s a bookkeeper. And sitting on my desk is the bookkeeping course I’ve yet to complete – and perhaps never will, but that’s beside the point. If ever it was meant to be…

Last week while we were in Vancouver waiting for the waitress to bring our dinner, I opened one of my favourite books, by one of my favourite authors and read a passage to him. Last night while I worked, he spoke to his mother on the phone and mentioned the book to her. She has the same book. When I got off work, I’d found she’d left me the very same quote on my Facebook wall. My baby then found, this:



If ever it was meant to be…

I feel as if I am complete. Everything in my life is finally falling into place… exactly where it should be. And I even got some amazing news this morning regarding my mother’s estate. It seems the most precious item my mother willed to me, is as safe as it possibly could be for the time being… Just like it was meant to be.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Yesterday’s sad-slump would have lasted me a week, if it weren’t for love. Instead, when I was finished with work, I curled up on the couch in my man’s lap and we watched the Canucks kick ass. We had a few drinks. I had a long hot shower before I made an awesome tuna casserole (which was only fair, since in the 48 hours before he’d made me blueberry pancakes from scratch, quesadilla’s from scratch and warmed chicken and wild rice soup, not to mention the countless cups of coffee he’d refilled while I was working), and we cuddled up watching the world’s most romantic movie, Natural Born Killers.

This morning we woke early so I could fill in a few extra hours at work for an employee lost. We ate a big breakfast, and then we went back to bed to cuddle. We slumbered off until I had to work again. I love waking up to his arms still wrapped around me and told him how I adored how cuddly he was. He assures me, he hasn’t always been this way. I believe him, as I don’t know that I’ve ever been this way myself. It’s funny how much like chameleons we humans are. We don’t really know ourselves until we know ourselves in the presence of others.

We are not just who we see ourselves as… But we are a combination of who see ourselves as, and who other’s see us as.


I’ve long since believed that. And with him, he is my Prince and I his Princess and we were made to reach our fullest potential together. I guess when the pieces fit, that's just the way it's meant to feel.

I feel about a billion times better today than I did yesterday.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I feel a lot like crap today.

Wish I wasn't working.

I just want to curl back into bed with my Lars.

Don't want to brush my teeth, or hair, or nothing.

I just want to be cuddled back to sleep until today is over.

I'm wearing my mommy's pink 'Feline Friends' shirt. Sometime in the middle of the night last night, or early morning this morning, I wiggled out of my baby's arms, crawled over him, pulled it out and put it on.

I'd almost have rather woken up naked. And I hate waking up naked. I don't want to take it off though.

It's Mommy's Day. I feel a lot like crap today...
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"You know what's a good food? Avocados. They fucking rule. Fucking avocados. I'm so there if it's gonna be avocados, I'm there. If I can have that with avocado, I'm gonna order it with avocado. That's my way. I'm like, yes to avocado. Yes. Yes, yes.

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You know what else I like? Pillows. Pillows are really great. Like if I'm lying in bed, and my head is on a pillow, I'm like, okay. Pillows are fucking awesome. If I believed in God, I would say, "Thank you, God, for pillows and avocados. Those are a couple of really good things."

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And kittens. They are so fucking cute. I fucking love sweet little kittens playing with string, or giving a little "mew mew mew," or when they are sleeping. So fucking great.

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And babies. They are cute too. Not as cute as kittens. But pretty cute.

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I must be in a pretty good mood right now to be able to think of four things that make me happy without fucking it up with something that sucks, because I know, of course, that there are a lot of things that suck right now, but right now, in this moment, I'm thinking only about good things.

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Like cake. They make vegan cake, which is great because I don't eat animal products anymore. They can even make cheesecake out of tofu, and I fucking love cheesecake, even though I don't eat it anymore. It's not actually as delicious as cheesecake, but it's pretty fucking good, so if I believed in God, I would also put in thanks for cake, babies, and kittens.

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Oh yeah, and skullfucking. I really like that too."



The best weekend ever...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
There are little secrets… the ones we don’t even let pass our lips, though we know they exist. Those are the secrets we are ashamed of; like wanting to see a love die with deluded hopes that they’ll now understand what we feel, or even worse, with tainted inspiration that we’ll have him back. These are the secrets we cannot embrace, so instead we lie to ourselves hoping the world won’t look too deep inside.

True love though… true love won’t crack that easily. True love uses misunderstandings, frustrations and even anger to learn and grow from. True love already has the tools to construct a perfect love. And today, we are in love deeper and truer than yesterday or the day before – no matter how many others hold hidden secrets are in their darkness.

Lars and I had our first disagreement yesterday. It hurt. I hurt. He hurt. His mom and sister hurt. The only one who seemed to think she may have somehow benefited from it is the evil that should, and now most certainly is his past – for good.

Sometimes, it just takes another perspective to make you see how your actions really do affect others, all others; instilling false hope in some, hurting the ones you love, and confusing if not frustrating others. Sometimes, the decency we are trying to perpetuate is in fact indecent after all – in this case continuing to enable the very co-dependent situation he walked away from and hurting the one he is walking to. Sometimes, the words “It’s not about you,” really need to mean, “it’s not about you” and not just used when you’re being a psycho bitch. And I think we’ve made good on all that.

I woke up this morning to sunshine in my heart and soul, and coincidently out the window as well. It’s a beautiful day for a ferry ride, though we’re not certain as to whether it will be him jumping on it, or me? Doesn’t matter, as we’ll be in each other’s arms by dusk. And that’s exactly where we should be.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I love you. And you love me too.
And we both know it’s forever.
As technology helps the world gets smaller and cultures start to mush together, why isn’t there more cultural give and take taking place? The wrongs with the west are what killed my mother. The wrongs with the west are what have broken so many families, so many people here emotionally and psychologically. And even as our world shrinks and more effective ways of living life are being seen, the wrongs with the west are wrongs the west is blind to. The rights when seen, are even mocked and ridiculed.

I believe in so much that this Canadian culture will never grasp. I hold values so close to my heart that I cannot wavier for even the strongest influence. And yet when I go back to my desert home, the same holds true there.

Will I ever find a place where I belong? Or am I eternally lost?


'You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?'
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
You’re fucking poison bitch.
Just die already. Slit your fucking wrists or something.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I talked to my son yesterday. He proudly told me he now has 3 mobile phones, “Two are LG, the other one is Nokia,” he beamed. “Mama likes Nokia best,” I tell him. To which he agrees, so does he. Like mother like son…

It’s unfortunate that since his dad gave away his last cell number, he hasn’t updated me on the new ones. And Ali can’t remember his own – not when they’re being changed all the time. I’d love to once again be able to call him directly, rather than speaking to my ex-in-laws on their house line. The conversations are always so uncomfortable. They’re great with me, I gave them their first grandson, but I’m still the girl who divorced their eldest son.

Ali’s angry with me for not being there, which makes me a little angry with myself. I wish I could be there with him. I wish that country wasn’t so plastic, full of plastic people. I wish it didn’t destroy me as it does. He’s also angry because his father tells him he’s not allowed to come here yet, “How do I get there alone, mama?” He asked me, followed by, “I can’t go all the way to Canada alone! There’s no one to take me.” I promised him the minute his dad said it was ok; I’d jump on a plane and go get him. I will keep that promise, if it costs me my job and everything else on this side of the planet.

You don’t fly to the other side of earth for a day. It’d be a month-long trip at the minimum. And it’d probably give me a chance to clean up some other messes left behind there, like my apartment, my vehicle, etc. All of that feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen these days… It all needs to be dealt with soon. I have too many un-manned assets there. And I can’t seem to get a grip on them from over here.

Anyway, when I got off the phone with him I immediately sent his father an email asking him to reconsider sending Ali out here. This morning he replied to say, “I got both your emails but I am at work. I will reply to them tomorrow.” It’s so like him to avoid uncomfortable confrontation. He doesn’t want to send our son here. He’s terrified that I’ll either keep Ali here, or Ali will choose to stay.

It scares Lars to know I may pick up any minute and leave for the other side of the planet for so long. But he knows I’ll come home to him. It feels a little like our relationship is meant to teach us both some patience in some ways. And it’s all good, because we’re learning together.

Conversations with his sister last night and his mom this morning have left me with a huge smile on my face. It’s a beautiful day. And there are many beautiful possibilities waiting for us all…

Disclaimer

This is my personal weblog. The thoughts and opinions represented here are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect those of my employers, associates or peers.

I am forever changing and always staying this same; a true living contradiction and as such, my thoughts and opinions change frequently. I may or may not still hold the same opinions noted in out-of-date posts.

By reading my blog, you agree to accept these realities as absolute truth.

Me

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.

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