Monday, May 16, 2011
What you're looking for....
Is in the comments HERE, Poison.
Seriously. A hobby or something, maybe?
Is in the comments HERE, Poison.
Seriously. A hobby or something, maybe?
Friday, May 13, 2011
I read yesterday morning that the Official Scrabble Dictionary has published a new addition that includes words like ‘grrl’, ‘thang’ and ‘innit’ (short for ‘isn’t it’). These are in addition to common Hindi words for food, and names of street drugs. My prediction is that it won’t be long for Oxford and Miriam Webster to follow suite and add such common slang to their official books.
We are witnessing the evolution, a crucial turning point in the English language. Those of us who truly love the language as we know it, mock those who try to shorten if with abbreviations like, “U’ or even “H8”, and those who badger it in every day use with slang like “grrl” or “thang”. We forget that Shakespearean speakers once ridiculed our own current beloved vocabulary, as we ridicule this evolution today.
Perhaps there’s a lesson in accepting change in here somewhere? It’s a thought to ponder. But for now, and until I find it, I’m still going to consider shortening the word ‘you’ with ‘u’ as lazy and uneducated. I’m stubborn that way.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I woke up to Lars’ alarm this morning. He rolled over for a few minutes of cuddles, kissed me and crawled out of bed. I got up just before he walked out the door and asked him to stay. He came back for one last hug and sent me back to bed. I was followed by the cats who made it absolutely impossible for me to get back to sleep.
I didn’t have to set my own alarm, as I don’t have to go back into class until Monday. After walking out of the classroom absolutely furious yesterday, I had a complaint or two to make to and about the instructor that had been assigned to the Photoshop portion of our course. I will not be attending any more of his classes. The school will compensate me with a qualified replacement to teach me whatever I miss at a later date, and they guarantee me he will not teach any future portion of this course – which I expect as he is not qualified to be teaching at all. They’ve been very good about rectifying a potentially bad, bad situation and as a result I can only say good things about the school in general. It’s good marketing, for sure!
I work this afternoon but the sun is shining now and I have no obligations whatsoever. I think I’m going to take my camera outside and take a photograph or two of some of natures’ beautiful textures that I can use in photo manipulation later. Perhaps I’ll run into town and pick up a few things we need and maybe I’ll come home and take a nap…
It’s going to be a nice lazy day for me. I think I deserve it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
“I feel like crying,” I said as we walked into the kitchen. And before the words were out of my mouth I choked up, my eyes filled with tears and my knees went weak. I fell into Lars’ arms and just sobbed against his chest for a bit.
Mother’s Day is hard for me.
My mom’s dead. I have no mom to spoil. My son is a world away from me. Most people forget I’m a mom at all – let alone spoil me. And I don’t even know that I deserve to be spoiled, anyway.
Lars didn’t even wish me a good day today. And when I mentioned it, the significance of this day for me half way through the day, he responded with the reality, ’I didn’t think of it like that’. I’m not angry at him at all about this. It’s just how it is… Not many think of it like that.
I wonder how my brother’s doing today. I imagine the repeated reminders that our mom is no more, are eating him alive right now. And he seems to take this truth the hardest. He was her baby after all…
My ex-husband sent me photos of our son, a video too. He’s growing so much and he’s so very beautiful. I miss him. And sometimes I wonder if I’m getting any closer to going back there to be with him, or if he’s any closer to coming here to be with me. The thought fills me with more hope than I could ever describe. I don’t even know if he’d like me today but I know I love him and want nothing more than to be with him. It’s been years too long now. And I can still hear his cries as we said our last goodbye – him not understanding at all just what my trip would mean. It was so unfair to him; so necessary, but so very unfair.
This is life I suppose.
And along with that cry, I can still hear his laugh as he did when I whispered repeatedly in his ear that I loved him. My bangs are still a little shorter than the rest of my hair, from him grasping it in his sleep, pulling it out, as an infant dreaming.
And those are good thoughts.
And those are good thoughts.
So… Happy Mommy’s Day to all the good mommy’s out there. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening cuddled on the couch with a movie Lars picked up for me today. I'm so very lucky to have him.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. I’ve dreamt about my mom about my son, about the bloody neighbours, even. In fact, my brain activity has been going nuts as through my schooling, I’ve found another, digital way to express emotion. I’ve always written, painted, drawn. Now, I can do it all electronically, which only offers a larger, more elaborate paint board with multiple mediums for me to play with.
Here are some pieces I’ve created through tutorials and school:
~*~
~*~
Each of these manipulations can take a few hours to complete, but with such beautiful end results, they are totally worth it:
Monday, May 2, 2011
Why the hell is the UAE blog world so quiet about it? I was expecting thought-provoking posts among at least one of my favourite UAE blogs, Life in Dubai, UAEian, or Buj Al Arab but no; not even is there mention of it in The UAE Community Blog.
I’m amazed, about as amazed as I am startled by this news.
I feel. And I don’t know what it is I feel about it.
I’m sad, yet I am not saddened by his execution. I believe in the death penalty for murders and there is no doubt Osama Bin Laden was a murderer. He was a mass murderer of Atheists, Christians and Mulsims alike. He deserved to die. But to hear the American soldiers ‘took custody’ of his body and that he was buried at sea (such pretty words for his remains were tossed thoughtlessly into the middle of the ocean and he was denied any form of humane burial) disgusts me at my core.
His punishment was his death. The world is a safer place without him.
But abusing his remains and cheering about his demise is for the sake of the living. What disgusting people we are to laugh at and dance like mad-mobs in the face of death – anyone’s death. Those who lost loved ones at Osama’s hands will not be dancing today – they’ll feel a possible form of closure and no doubt rekindled pain because even Osama’s death cannot bring back the lives he took.
Osama’s execution is indeed a great step towards anti-terrorism; a great accomplishment that will mark our future. But it also proves human beings are disgusting things.
I read this quote on Facebook today, fake or not, so very apt it is:
International news and disgraceful human beings aside, life keeps me busy (in such a fantastic way, I’m loving my course!), my body is still adjusting to the changes (and my new-no-time diet), and Lars and I are well. We’re making time for tea time every-single-day, whether it be breakfast on the patio, a few minutes on the couches in a dark room late at night, or lunch at the Chinese place near my school because we won’t fit in a few minutes throughout the day otherwise, we squeeze it in and make it work. We are sincerely happy.
We’re in love with our new tenants (what wonderful people they seem to be!) and life overall is pretty darn good – so I won’t complain too much, even if people in general suck right now.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
We spent the day playing in the warmth… the warmth of the sun and the warmth of each other. My body is not yet fully healed but we’ve enjoyed almost every inch of one another just the same. We woke to sunshine bathing our deck, so out we went to enjoy our morning coffee. Lars moved on to chop wood and I watched for a while, before I finally moved to the kitchen only to make us breakfast. We ate on the deck and stayed there for hours. We watched as our new tenants moved in. We were still on the deck when my niece arrived to visit and pick up her new (our old) couches.
We really did take advantage of the day, basking in the sun, playing in the light, soaking in the vitamin D. We put all chores aside and simply enjoyed each moment for what it was. I don’t think we’ve had a weekend so relaxing all winter.
We talked. We talked a little about what went wrong, where we fell off track, and what bothers us still from this most recent falling. We talked about anger and how it paints such ugly pictures of one another and we talked about how misunderstood we felt as we both attacked one another.
We talked about the things others are doing in light of our fighting, that bother us still and possibly reform major parts of our relationship/future. And we’ve both come to realize, we’re entitled to our feelings – even if things aren’t ideal.
We talked about our engagement, and how we’re happy just ‘dating’ again. If and when the time is right, perhaps he’ll ask me to marry him again. For now, we’re just lovers falling in love all over again.
Lars has gone to Puckle to feed the birds. I’m about to make us dinner. I couldn’t have asked for a better, more relaxing weekend in order to start the next week of work and school and more work…
In short, we’re doing well. We’re repairing what we broke and we’re smiling while doing it. And in doing so, we’re learning a lot about the people around us and each other.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I slept better last night than I have in weeks, months even. Lars and I ate our ice cream in one another’s arms and talked quietly of feelings – both good and bad, hopes, dreams and fears. When my eyes just wouldn’t stay open anymore, I found myself asking him to sleep over. By ‘sleep over’ I meant, spend the night with me in my office, where I’ve migrated to throughout this charade.
He held me till morning and I felt him kiss me goodbye as he left just prior to me waking up to start my own day. I had forgotten how much I missed his lips on sleepy-me in the morning. Funny how that happens with the people we love: we get so comfortable, we forget to acknowledge the little things and we end up taking it all for granted.
I get off work early tonight. 8pm. We’ve agreed that we will spend a small portion of each day really with each other, engaged in only each other. We will make sure we have no distractions, no TV’s, no phones, no computers, just one another. We’ll use this time to talk about our days, our feelings, whatever it is that’s going on in our heads and hearts. It’s going to be a little bit of quality time we are going to make a necessary part, a habit of our every day life. We’ve lovingly coined it ‘tea time’. This is our first step to trying to make something we know is meant to be work, despite all our humanly flaws. And tonight, will be our first attempt at it.
We’re both looking forward to it, though I have to admit, despite all my optimism I still feel a little uncertain. I felt so sure things had happened I couldn’t get over, forget, and live with. I was so certain my perspective of him and this relationship had been eternally tainted by raw emotion, and so convinced that we were done. I’m very confused as to where all that certainty has gone, and why it’s been replaced by this new array of emotions. I guess it really doesn’t matter though, because I like these emotions much better.
My body is still healing and every now and then I’m punished with a stabbing sensation in my tummy. My heart still aches and I feel a deep sense of loss. I imagine Lars does too. My heart doesn’t feel as heavy, and I know I’m going to finally get some rest tonight; for that I’m very thankful.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Since I was a little girl ‘sleepy me’ has been a crybaby. Literally. When I’m over tried, I cry about everything and anything. In fact, tired enough, I will even cry over a non-thing. I’ve felt a lot like that lately, only right now, I know I have had some reason to cry. Not today though. Today is better. I should be and am finding reason to smile. Still, a tired tear waits at the edge of my eye to spill and I can feel it taunting me.
Last night, Lars so very politely asked me if he could please hug me goodnight. The thought tore me apart for some reason and I immediately burst into tears. I found myself refusing though I wanted so very badly to accept, to feel his arms around me, to hug him back. It made me realize, even as I explained this conflict of emotion to him and he so gracefully accepted refusal, we all just suck for human beings sometimes… And I can be the stupidest fuck of us all.
I try to be bigger than this.
We build these walls, these rules, these conditions that only we live by – and they only make our own lives more difficult.
I spent a lot of today wondering if I’d have slept better if I’d accepted that hug. In fact, as I drove off this morning, I felt a whole lot of fear that I wouldn’t make it home, wouldn’t see him again and if he’d resent me eternally for not giving him one last embrace, if I’d resent me if I made it home and he wasn’t there? I’m thankful I am home. I’m thankful he’s still here. I will not make the same mistake tonight.
I picked up a tub of Cherry Garcia, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream on my way home today. I hope to take a few moments after work to share it with him – as tired and in need of rest as I am, I think I need some human contact with someone I know loves me very deeply. He probably does too. And Lars introduced me to this little bit of heaven when we first met. I still remember the day we lay in bed together sharing spoon after spoon. He gave me all the delicious big chunks of cherry-chocolaty climatic flavour, leaving himself only the plain ice-cream and the little bits left over. But I digress…
The hug refusal…
The experience of sheer internal conflict and turmoil has caused an epiphany. We don’t need to read the books on how to rekindle love and romance. Perhaps, Lars and I are meant to write the next one.
Lars said to me today, ‘We were meant to learn from each other that’s for sure, learn about love, trust and feelings.”
What I learn, I’m meant to teach. Perhaps it’s why I write as openly as I do?
We are both deeply hurt, deeply wounded, and perhaps even a little bitter still. We are not out of rough waters yet and tomorrow things may again take another drastic twist. But, deep down inside, I’m sure Lars and I both want that very same thing, and that… that’s a great place to start. We’re going to work on being friends right now. We’re going to build on that fierce love we once had and disgusted the world with. I’m going to try and listen better, to myself (what’s happening behind those mental walls and barriers I’ve built), and to Lars. There’s not a doubt in my mind he’s going to do the same thing.
And hopefully tonight, we both get some real rest so this tired tear of mine might hide away for another day.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The month my mom died, I worked 193 hours. I suffered indescribable amounts of pain, loss, anger and resentment. I kept so busy it was only at night when I lay down to sleep I really had to think of, to feel anything. As the nights felt like years, each minute a week, I can’t imagine what I’d have done without my job.
I couldn’t ask for a better time to start this course. I will now spend at least 14 hours each day keeping busy with work or study, and about all I can imagine is left to do is sleep.
I rarely cry on a friends’ shoulder. I rarely allow myself to be that burden on them. I’m the shoulder. I’m the strong one (at least that’s what they tell me).
When I break down, it’s usually through blinding tears and pounding fingertips at my keyboard. Incredible amounts of pain seep through my words to my blog. And when I’m done, when I feel a little like I’ve released a bit of that negative energy, I feel a little less pressure on my chest. Usually, I feel comfort in knowing someone, anyone out there might possibly read and truly understand what I’m going through – who and what I am… And since I didn’t ask them to come here, I didn’t request their help, I don’t have to feel like I’m intruding on their space or burdening them, so I don’t add guilt to my already aching heart and soul.
I don’t expect everyone to understand that, but I’d really thought and hoped you did. You apologise to people for finding out the way they did about this miserable experience when you know living it, keeping it inside was tearing me up as much as you. You apologise to them for the shock and pain of hearing about it this way through my ‘disgusting public display’ – but didn’t once apologise to me for my shock and pain of having to go through it – you don’t feel sorrow in the fact that my pain was so severe it cut so deep into core, it forced me to react, release in a very uncharacteristic way today because it’s the only way I know how to cope.
My blogs have always been my outlet. For the sake of this entry, I’ve made visible a blog I’ve had since 2001 – and kept invisible for more than 5 years now. In 2001, it wasn’t a ‘thing’ to blog. Not everyone was doing it. In fact, there were no blogs. It was my online journal. I will again make this blog invisible in a few days (there are legal implications to it, that force me to keep it hidden). For now, I’d like you to see this entry from 2003, this entry from 2004, both of which very ugly outburst of sheer emotion. See now, this entry from another blog I kept later in 2006 and you’ll find the same sort of thing.
I’ve grown a lot since 2003, 2004 or even 2006. My outlets, writing, painting, and sharing my feelings publicly have allowed for that. The emotional outbursts are far and few in-between these days. Even so, they are just as valuable to my growth and me now as they were then and I doubt that will ever change.
I hurt right now. I hurt and am very confused by your actions, my feelings and this entire situation. I hurt because each new moment it seems you know me less and less – when I thought I’d let you in and showed you who I was at my core. I’m angry. I’m angry because all anger stems from hurt – and my wounds just don’t heal that fast. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because actions speak louder than words. I’m frustrated because you blame yourself for things that aren’t real or aren’t of any real concern to me. I’m frustrated because when it comes to emotional maturity we are on totally different levels. I’m frustrated because we cannot seem to see what one another sees, so we can’t make something, anything work.
I don’t like broken things.
I know you’re hurting too. I know you’re angry too. I know you’re frustrated too. But if I’m honest, I’m not yet ready to feel fully sorry about it yet. I’m still too wound up in what I’m feeling. I need to be selfish right now and for that I am sorry.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
It took two sleeping pills for me to finally fall asleep last night. I’ve woken this morning still exhausted, but willing to get on with my day... my life.
I came to realize yesterday that every time we have had a falling out, I was somehow painted as the bad person when the reality of the entire relationship, the entire situation is that we were never meant to be. Period.
Because he thinks of me as selfish and arrogant, that’s all he’ll ever see in me. His mind makes a decision on what my intent is, and judged as that I am. There’s no convincing in the world that will make him see I really did just need to sleep my last night in Squamish, and had no intentions of drinking for '"third time in less than a work week," which in my opinion, is none of his god-damned business and he shouldn't be trying to guilt me about in the first place. There’s no convincing in the world that I withdrew from the day consciously because I did not want others to be uncomfortable in our fighting presence, that Tareq and I had no real plans set, but decided he would simply call when he got to Vancouver so we might try and make a meeting work – a call which came when I was already on the ferry.
Because I see him as narcissistic, egotistical and immature, my mind paints him, as it wants to see before I give him a chance to speak or act. I’m aware of this. Because of this, I believe all the good he does for me, is really for him. He gives a flower not because he wants to see me smile, but because he needs to feel thanked and appreciated. He does a good deed not because it makes him feel good to do it, but because he craves the praise he gets in response. And I'm probably very wrong about all this. But because that's what I see now in him, that's what I'll always see.
He is not what I think of him, nor am I what he thinks of me.
We were simply not compatible.
We lied to each other and to ourselves attempting to convince all that we were good. We did not enjoy one another’s company. We did not have great conversation. We never saw eye-to-eye. We stopped playing so long ago I can’t remember the last time I actually had fun with him, smiled with him, actually felt a connections with him – and I know for certain he feels the same way.
We still tried. We still had love for each other. But we are not in love with each other. Trying like this, only leads to contempt and dissatisfaction.
This chapter of my life is now done.
I don’t need 5 years of misery to tell me it’s time to leave. Though he may not realize it yet, neither does he. All the potential in the world doesn’t change a god-damned thing if neither one of us wants to do anything about it. All the potential in the world doesn’t change a thing if we can’t communicate our true likes and dislikes without disgusting each other – and yes, often I find he does disgust me as he’s made sure I know I do him.
I don’t know about you, but for me… I simply don’t love you anymore.
I don’t want to do anything about that potential now. It’s too late for that. I’ve experienced too much of the ugly in you, for the good (and yes, there is a lot of good) to matter to me anymore. Embarrassing acts like throwing gifts in stove fireplaces for my father and I to find, sending long emails of insult and accusation about me to all my loved ones, continual insult and badgering at me telling me what’s wrong with ME, how horrible a person I am, instead of listening to what I'm telling you I feel and communicating what you feel, what’s upsetting you … All of those things make me blind to any good you are or you’ve done now.
I don’t want to do anything about that potential now. It’s too late for that. I’ve experienced too much of the ugly in you, for the good (and yes, there is a lot of good) to matter to me anymore. Embarrassing acts like throwing gifts in stove fireplaces for my father and I to find, sending long emails of insult and accusation about me to all my loved ones, continual insult and badgering at me telling me what’s wrong with ME, how horrible a person I am, instead of listening to what I'm telling you I feel and communicating what you feel, what’s upsetting you … All of those things make me blind to any good you are or you’ve done now.
We come into each other’s lives for a reason. Some meetings are temporary. I’m thankful for my time with Lars. I’m thankful to have had the grace of meeting and being with his family. And I’m thankful that as he works through this heartache, he has them and is comfortable in confiding in them now.
I’m also thankful it’s over. I’m tired of living a lie.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Last Thursday, Lars and I lost a baby.
We decided to terminate the pregnancy, knowing neither of us was in any position to bring a child into the world. Before learning it was a pregnancy eating at my immune system, simply thinking I was sick with ear and throat infections, I’d unknowingly taken a course of antibiotics, a few sleeping pills and had a few too many heavy drinking nights – it being my birthday month and all. Our relationship itself wasn’t solid enough to have children – just recently taking a blow so big I didn’t think we’d ever fully recover from; and financially we were certainly not stable enough.
We weren’t going to tell anybody out of fear it would only cause more pain and confusion than we were all already facing due to other family circumstances and situations.
Today I’ve realized that I’m tired of bearing all the pain and protecting everyone else from it. I’m tired of being labeled the arrogant, self-centered one, when almost everything I ever do is in consideration of those around me and all I really ask in return is a little consideration right back.
Not now. Now, I need someone to recognize how fucking hard this has been, and still IS on me. I don't have a fucking shoulder to cry on. My mom's dead. My closest friends, my son even are on the other side of the planet. And no one else I know could possibly understand what the hell it is I'm feeling. And I need that person who understands even remotely, to not be him… because I just don’t believe him, or even believe in him anymore.
I’m going to be selfish now, and I’m going to use my damn journal for what it’s meant to be used; FOR ME. And I’m going to share it. If you don’t like it, well fuck you – stop reading.
Lars has his mom, his sister, his step-dad, and his real dad… countless people. Not me. Me… I have my fucking journal to spill my guts to. Do you have any idea how hard it's been to KEEP from writing about this until now -- thinking of others and how upset it might make them?
How fucking upsetting has HAVING TO HIDE THIS, to lie about this, has it finally gotten me? IT IS TIME I THINK ABOUT AND TAKE CARE OF MY FEELINGS.
I’d spent the weeks since I found out I was pregnant, feeling my body grow, swell and ache torn by the concept of abortion, so very badly wanting to hold an infant in my arms and know it was another part of me and someone I loved. I tossed around the idea of keeping it. I half-tried to convince myself that maybe we should – at one point, it seemed as though everything was conspiring against the abortion. I even suggested it a few times to Lars. But he kept me grounded, in knowing and confirming we were in no position to parent a baby – he didn’t seem to flinch even once over it. And I couldn't be more certain than right now, not even when the doctor told me it would never make full term, he was right.
There wasn’t an appointment available on the Island until long after I start College. Lars and I had to go to Vancouver. That’s why I ended up in my office as I did. That’s why the trip was so sudden and shady, with no hello’s along the way.
I was needed in my office to help train new staff and to cover for a boss while she was at a conference yesterday. But I had no plans to actually go being sick, pregnant, contemplating abortion, all with my studies starting this Monday. I couldn’t afford the trip and simply didn’t have the time. It was only when I realized I had no choice but to go to the mainland anyway, that the parts of this trip started falling together. The logic of me heading up north to Squamish right after, spreading myself far enough to get done what I needed done, help my office out where I could, heal as best I could and still get back in time to start my course, hopefully seeing loved ones for a short visit on the way back, could work and made sense! So what if it wore me a little thin? I’m a tough girl. I can take it.
Some seem to think, I can and should take anything and everything.
Thursday Lars and I were at the clinic in Vancouver. Before performing the procedure the doctor did an ultrasound and advised me the embryo, at eight weeks along, was non-existent. I was going to miscarry anyway. Despite planning on terminating the pregnancy, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt still brings me to tears now: betrayed by my own body.
I had a choice, get it over with then and there or let nature run its course; suffering a natural miscarriage within the next few days. I had the procedure. I did it without meds. You are not allowed to drive for 24-hours if you take the meds, and almost immediately after I needed to drive the Sea to Sky to get to my office. So that’s exactly what I did. I had a very painful operation (in more ways than one). Lars and I ate lunch. And then I drove the two hours north to my office, while he headed back home to take care of other obligations we couldn’t avoid.
I pretty much spent three days sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch, getting up only to paint a canvas. I was lucky enough to only start work on the following Monday. I spent the rest of my time there working, or sleeping for the most part – excepting the two evenings where Jody and I shared a few glasses of wine, as girlfriends should every now and then.
I worked 40+ hours last week, while trying to heal from my torn apart stomach. I was then diagnosed with Psoriasis (on my face) on Wednesday evening. Psoriasis is a reoccurring skin disease doctor’s believe may be caused by stress. And when it’s on your face, it’s horrific both looking and feeling. Mine, was between my eyes, creeping closer and closer to my actual eyeball. I had no choice but to treat it with steroids.
I’m fucking tired. I have had enough life lessons for now.
Today is my only day off, before I start another 6-day week, only this next one also includes full-time school in addition to work, and all the healing: physical, psychological, and emotional, I need to do at the same time.
All I wanted was to spend today smiling in the sun that’s finally made an appearance, with loved ones. But no… that’s not going to happen.
I cannot smile when I’m being told I’m selfish, because I want to wake up naturally rather than to the sound of the alarm that’s been breaking my much-needed rest all week. I cannot smile when I’m being accused of wanting to party the night before, thinking only of myself and no one else, when that couldn’t be any further from reality – I simply needed to and indeed did, go to sleep in order to feel half ok for today. I cannot smile and enjoy myself, when I’m being told it’s selfish and arrogant of me to even suggest we could try and fit a quick visit in with a friend from the States who just happens to be passing through the same city we were meant to pass through today. And I especially cannot smile when I’d already told that friend chances are it wouldn’t be possible, but we could try, and I am then made aware ‘trying’ wasn’t an option because you KNOW we won’t have enough time – even if you’re sorry about it.
I cannot smile, when I decide to distance myself from the bickering, the verbal attacks and accusations, by removing myself from the day’s equation – only to be told, I am the reason for ruining everyone else's day! Selfish, inconsiderate me!
I removed myself because I didn’t think anyone else needed to be involved in our misery! I didn’t want them to have to suffer our bad day together – because clearly the day had been shot for me! I just wanted to go home and go to bed. You could have gone to see your mom, sister and dad. You could have enjoyed yourself and your evening with them. And left me away from you to rest in actual peace. Instead, you choose to get on a returning ferry, continue an ongoing fight blaming me for you not seeing your family. All the while you continued to berate me on what a horrible person I am and need to know it.
I cannot smile or enjoy any of this. I’m FUCKING tired of it all.
But most of all…
I’m tired of you having to be with someone you think is so arrogant, selfish, mean, spoiled and immature. You certainly deserve and can find someone you think of as better. While I… I deserve to be with someone who thinks higher than this of me – and I’m sure I’ll find that too.
I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I am going to try and go to sleep. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and do my job as best I can. Then I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I will continue to try and sleep. I will continue to do this, to sleep off this misery until I am damn well ready to deal with anything else from anyone else.
While you keep your word to take care of things as you have, I am going to be as civil with you as I can. I’m going to respect you for who you are. And I pray you’ll be man enough to treat me with some civil nature and respect while we separate our lives.
But for now… I AM JUST FUCKING TIRED. And I don’t give a shit if you think this is selfish: me being arrogant, selfish, childish, immature, whatever… doesn’t change what you make me feel… make me think of you.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I have been a customer of Virgin Mobile since May 2010. Never have I had a problem until today and this problem is not only unacceptable but the customer service and steps to resolution I’ve received in response are completely lacking. I simply will not accept this kind of service. No paying customer should.
I have a Blackberry Curve. In addition to my National Calling plan, I have the regular Data Plan. This evening I realized that none of my data services were working: the BBM, the Email, nothing. I called Virgin to ask what the problem was – I spoke to a representative by the name of Joe, who couldn’t answer any questions as to what had happened, except that changes were made on my account 6 hours prior.
Joe could not tell me who made the changes or why. Joe could not tell me who authorized the changes. Joe could not tell me anything other than, “the data service was removed and then put right back”. My Blackberry is not working, clearly it was not put back right. And who the hell are they to change my services without my authorization or even knowledge anyway? I signed a contract for those services. Joe had no answers.
Could this be another way for people end up in court with $62,000 phone bills that are reduced to a mere $17,000?
Rather acutely explaining to Joe why his justification just wasn’t cutting it and I wanted real answers, I demanded to speak to a supervisor. Eventually, I got the Virgin Mobile Supervisor, Cory on the line. Cory though friendly, with a more knowledgeable and professional persona, was not able to offer much more than blanketed information, “I cannot tell you who, but there was a change made on your account. I will forward a complaint for you.”
After placing me on hold and consulting with another supervisor, Cory returned with, “It’s possible you had an old data plan that was lacking something, so they’ve changed it to update it to a newer one.” Still totally unacceptable to be making changes to my service without my prior knowledge or consent, he insisted he would still forward my complaint on through – not mentioning my services were still not working.
It was only when I told Cory while he followed up on that end, I would hang up to make sure my services were now working or I’d call him right back, that he advised me my services were not back… And it would NOT be working for 3–5 business days. That’s how long it’s going to take Virgin to fix what Virgin broke. Are you kidding me? You can add a service in an instant, create a new account and let a customer walk away from a sales booth with a working phone in the time it takes them to fill out the contracts (on weekends and evenings as well as ‘business days’ - by the way it’s Wednesday evening now), but you can’t fix something you broke for 3-5 business days?
Cory explained he could not make ‘them’ work any faster. And it was only after I insisted, that Cory confirmed he would refund me the measly $15 that the data-plan would have cost for the month.
The complete absurdity, the reality of this situation is worth WAY more than $15 and Virgin should compensate for it generously, or let me out of my contact without penalty (I have 2 years or $20 for every month left on my contract) so I can walk away from this inadequate, unethical, non-service immediately. I happen to be away from home, off the island right now. BBM is how I communicate with the people I love. This 'mistake' is keeping me from my family when I probably need them the most.
I am absolutely disgusted by this…
So this letter is sent to Virgin at team@virginmobile.ca, posted on my blog at www.stilltainted.blogspot.com, linked as a note in Facebook, and spread just about as far as I can imagine by as many other means as I can come up with.
And I will continue to actively protest out loud my disdain, and Virgin’s lacking even a remotely acceptable response, until this issue is resolved and possibly long after if the resolution doesn’t include major compensation for the 2-year inconvenience of me having to pay them for such insufficient, unreliable service to back up my phone plan.
I pay my bills on time, or in advance every month, and I even over-pay most months so that I have a positive balance. I keep my end of the bargain. How is it Virgin doesn’t seem to offer the same ethical responsibility in response?
I would really like some answers, and I'd like them prior to 3-5 business days.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hello Boys & Girls!
It’s the 2nd year in a row when I shall start to solicit your charity for the cause of Autism Awareness. As some of you know April is Autism Awareness month, though we walk on September 25th, I can’t think of a better time than now to start appealing to you.
It’s all too often we only stand for a cause we know personally – and all too often we learn personally a little too late that our earlier attention may have offered some form of prevention and/or solution in our own lives.
Please remember, every donation big and small counts (that includes those of just a few dollars – a coffee break for many of us)! This year, in addition to soliciting donations, I’ve created a quick online store so you can make a purchase with your cause. Please see: http://www.freewebstore.org/autism-awareness-support/ for a place you can shop and support. At the moment, I have only products promoting Autism up (which would be a brilliant charitable purchase for you to make), however I intend to add handmade jewelry and other goods in the near future. Please visit often, and buy lots if you can! Note the ‘Order Dates’ noted on products are the approximate times which I will order the products in bulk. Items will be shipped out to you upon my receipt of them.
For those of you who cannot manage to donate, or do not wish to spend, if you could please just pass the word on and maybe help encourage others you know who are in a position to donate, to do so for a good cause. By avoiding the online shop and choosing to donate directly at http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.ca/participant/chrystal you will be issued a receipt for tax purposes (and we could all use a tax break every now and then)!
And if you don’t wish to even do that, I encourage you to join us in our walk on September 25th at the Nat Bailey Stadium in Vancouver. It feels good to do good for others – and what better way than with a brisk walk on a beautiful Vancouver day surrounded by beautiful people?
I look forward to seeing you all!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Tonight, sometime between 11:50 and midnight, will mark exactly 1 year since I first lay eyes on Lars. Overall, it’s been a great year of us getting to know one another at our best and worst. We’ve had some huge fights (he’s far more dramatic than I am) and we’ve had some explicit moments of absolutely blissful love (he’s far more romantic, even mushy than I am).
We balance each other out well, it turns out.
Upon finding Lars, I found his family – very much a part of my own family today. He is blessed to have some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in his immediate family. I am blessed to now know them – for not only who they are but also the lessons they help me learn.
Today is a day where you can feel the energy in the air.
Yesterday marked the start of Autism Awareness month, and I watch as many of my loved ones band together to increase awareness, work for a single great cause. Sometimes, it saddens me a little that we all don’t more often band together for equally important matters, simply because they don’t effect us directly or we’re not aware of them! But we do what we can with what we have and hope it makes a difference. And for that, I am very proud.
Today, is also the first full day a very dear family member sits in a new hospital, patiently awaiting a spot for a major surgery to take place. Though no definitive time has been set, the surgery must take place quickly, as infection is spreading at rapid speeds. We hope and pray it takes place today and that he recovers quickly.
Today also marks the first full day I am officially a college student again. Yesterday, I completed the loan process, paid for and enrolled in this course: Web Development & Internet Marketing. Along with that came $7,501 new debt, with an additional 2 – 3 thousand dollars interest, I’m certain will be worth it in the end. And Lars loves the idea of having his very own schoolgirl – even though there will be no plaid skirts here!
Today is a day you can feel the energy in the air. My brother is coming around for dinner. He’s been having a tough go at it recently. Hopefully, we’ll be able to pass some of the positive good energy on to him, and let him leave feeling a little lighter than he arrives.
Today is bound to be a good day. Even the sun is peeking through the clouds as I type. Couldn't choose a better day to start year 2.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
So I shall preserve this blog entry here:
Monday, 10 January 2011 21:48
Love and hate are both fantastic emotions. Like just about everything else in life, they are linked. We need to know one to know the other and as core emotions many perceptions, beliefs and personality-traits are conceived of these two basics. I figured this was a great place to start; a place to start my site: Chrystals.ca, a place to start my newest blog, a place to start building a window into my world and how I perceive it.
I feel very strongly about both emotions and I’m lucky enough to feel both for certain people or things. Far too many people hypocritically hate the concept of hate. They tell you hate only hurts you. They want you to believe that hate makes your heart heavy and dark. They tell themselves and other’s it’s unhealthy. When in fact, it’s their hate of hate that makes them so passionate about preaching. Hate makes them so very much in love with love they need to share.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Love and hate are natural, innate parts of what makes us who we are. This is true as individuals, as a society and even as a species. In today’s wannabe-organic world, I know of very few natural things that are bad for you.
Truly accepting that love and hate go hand in hand, we then have to accept that dwelling in any emotion, be it as positive as love, or as negative as hate, or as elusive yet prominent as fear, can damage you and is crippling to your life. My father dwells in hate, my brother in fleeting affairs of love. In my eyes, neither of them is truly healthy. My goal today is to get healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. Following that I wish to help other’s get healthy.
As an ode to my health and other’s, I start by offering you my partial lists Of Loves & Of Hates:
Of Loves…
Of Hates…
Monday, 10 January 2011 21:48
Love and hate are both fantastic emotions. Like just about everything else in life, they are linked. We need to know one to know the other and as core emotions many perceptions, beliefs and personality-traits are conceived of these two basics. I figured this was a great place to start; a place to start my site: Chrystals.ca, a place to start my newest blog, a place to start building a window into my world and how I perceive it.
I feel very strongly about both emotions and I’m lucky enough to feel both for certain people or things. Far too many people hypocritically hate the concept of hate. They tell you hate only hurts you. They want you to believe that hate makes your heart heavy and dark. They tell themselves and other’s it’s unhealthy. When in fact, it’s their hate of hate that makes them so passionate about preaching. Hate makes them so very much in love with love they need to share.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Love and hate are natural, innate parts of what makes us who we are. This is true as individuals, as a society and even as a species. In today’s wannabe-organic world, I know of very few natural things that are bad for you.
Truly accepting that love and hate go hand in hand, we then have to accept that dwelling in any emotion, be it as positive as love, or as negative as hate, or as elusive yet prominent as fear, can damage you and is crippling to your life. My father dwells in hate, my brother in fleeting affairs of love. In my eyes, neither of them is truly healthy. My goal today is to get healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. Following that I wish to help other’s get healthy.
As an ode to my health and other’s, I start by offering you my partial lists Of Loves & Of Hates:
Of Loves…
- that I have learned of some of the things I love
- the sound of my son’s voice, his laughter, his smile
- endorphins
- true acts of charity
- learning
- cuss words like ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’, and;
- my freedom to use them at will, and;
- the discretion to know when it is and is not appropriate
- the acts of love (and loving the one(s) I’m with)
- good people, food, and family
- odd numbers
- old-fashioned snail-mail
Of Hates…
- being as far away from my son for as long as I have been
- my grandmother on my mother’s side
- my step-sister
- my love of fried, carb-filled foods
- BC Ferries
- ICBC
- any large monopoly, that thanks you for choosing/using them
- losing touch with loved ones
- it when people butcher my Arabic name, AlAnood (so I don’t use it in the west)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sometimes all it takes is a look deep inside; we just need to listen to our bodies, deepest thoughts, and our subconscious feelings, in order for everything to make sense… to slowly fall back into place in order that we become ourselves again.
I’m starting to feel a whole lot better.
I still feel very wronged by a number of people, but with clarity I realize the problem is more with them than I. I was taking things far too personally. The issues and the reactions say a lot more about their integrity than they do mine. Despite any rash or unjust judgements, I’m still exactly the same person with exactly the same morals and self-respect I’ve always prided myself on. And I have some very clear personal answers (that I shall keep private) as to why I felt so emotionally overwhelmed by it all as well.
I still feel physically sick. I have a sore throat, that had Lars and I in emergency for a while last night. It’s odd because I just finished a course of antibiotics for that horrible bleeding each infection. But today, with the help of some mild painkillers and local anaesthesia that numbs, even that feels improved.
I am certain as winter turns to spring and the clouds and sunshine battle in the skies for a dominant standing, I will face a couple of very trying weeks ahead. I’m thankful I have Lars to lean on. I’m thankful I have understanding, loving people I can turn to in all directions.
I’m thankful the worst things in my world at this time really are with me and I do have the power to change them… even if the change that’s needed is in me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I’m trying my hardest to fight off a severe internal bitterness right now. It’s been looming, growing even, in my core for weeks now.
And we’ve had a few seemingly great days around here, at least on the surface. We were able to enjoy my birthday party; in fact, some of us had too much fun:
But deep inside, I can’t help but feel I’ve taken one too many god-damned blows lately, in every aspect of my life.
I am doing all that I can to fight off bitterness towards loved ones and acquaintances alike; too many having recently passed ill judgement on me without any facts or a willingness to even hear/read them.
I am doing all that I can to try and mend and repair some very severe damage that has been inflicted on my core, while I can’t help but feel bitter for the tainted light that I’ve been bathed in - after being beaten to a pulp or kicked while I was down.
Rub two rocks together long enough and they’ll catch fire. It’s absolutely fucking despicable to chastise the rocks for igniting. It’s absolutely fucking despicable to make accusations of a fire, despite not seeing it for yourself. And I’m kind of sick of feeling like either of those damned rocks.
I know some people meant absolutely no offense towards me. I know they have their own load of stresses, and personal concerns. What I don’t know is… I don’t know that it’s worth the effort anymore.
And this little bit isn't about them... it's about me.
I’m kept awake at night in anger, frustration, and contemplation about whether or not mending anything is really worth my trouble.
The frustration and bitterness isn’t subsiding but increasing as time goes by. I don’t know that I’ll be able to just forget and move on like this.
Perhaps instead it’s time to reevaluate a few more situations and make some very, very severe changes.
I sincerely believe that if I’m not happy with something in my life, I should be in control of changing it. But what happens where I am happy, I am not in control, and the only viable solutions tend to come with loss and pain of its own, then?
I’m guessing, eventually, a person just snaps.
I feel like I’m on the verge.
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Me
- Tainted Female
- No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
My Blog List
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"UN Delegation" (Microfiction)4 months ago
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Hello 2014!12 years ago
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40 CONSCIOUS years!12 years ago
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Pink Pudding13 years ago
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Another year has passed14 years ago
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allo allo..14 years ago
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See you in Oz?15 years ago
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Downtown15 years ago
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