Monday, March 21, 2011

Bitterness…

15:58 | Forever lost, Tainted Female | | Edit Post

I’m trying my hardest to fight off a severe internal bitterness right now.  It’s been looming, growing even, in my core for weeks now.

And we’ve had a few seemingly great days around here, at least on the surface.  We were able to enjoy my birthday party; in fact, some of us had too much fun:

Photobucket

But deep inside, I can’t help but feel I’ve taken one too many god-damned blows lately, in every aspect of my life. 

I am doing all that I can to fight off bitterness towards loved ones and acquaintances alike; too many having recently passed ill judgement on me without any facts or a willingness to even hear/read them. 

I am doing all that I can to try and mend and repair some very severe damage that has been inflicted on my core, while I can’t help but feel bitter for the tainted light that I’ve been bathed in - after being beaten to a pulp or kicked while I was down.

Rub two rocks together long enough and they’ll catch fire.  It’s absolutely fucking despicable to chastise the rocks for igniting.  It’s absolutely fucking despicable to make accusations of a fire, despite not seeing it for yourself.  And I’m kind of sick of feeling like either of those damned rocks.

I know some people meant absolutely no offense towards me.  I know they have their own load of stresses, and personal concerns.  What I don’t know is… I don’t know that it’s worth the effort anymore.  

And this little bit isn't about them... it's about me.

I’m kept awake at night in anger, frustration, and contemplation about whether or not mending anything is really worth my trouble.

The frustration and bitterness isn’t subsiding but increasing as time goes by.  I don’t know that I’ll be able to just forget and move on like this.

Perhaps instead it’s time to reevaluate a few more situations and make some very, very severe changes.

I sincerely believe that if I’m not happy with something in my life, I should be in control of changing it.  But what happens where I am happy, I am not in control, and the only viable solutions tend to come with loss and pain of its own, then?

I’m guessing, eventually, a person just snaps.

I feel like I’m on the verge.
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This is my personal weblog. The thoughts and opinions represented here are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect those of my employers, associates or peers.

I am forever changing and always staying this same; a true living contradiction and as such, my thoughts and opinions change frequently. I may or may not still hold the same opinions noted in out-of-date posts.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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