Forever Tainted

Since I was a little girl ‘sleepy me’ has been a crybaby. Literally.  When I’m over tried, I cry about everything and anything.  In fact, tired enough, I will even cry over a non-thing.  I’ve felt a lot like that lately, only right now, I know I have had some reason to cry.  Not today though.  Today is better.  I should be and am finding reason to smile.  Still, a tired tear waits at the edge of my eye to spill and I can feel it taunting me.

Last night, Lars so very politely asked me if he could please hug me goodnight.  The thought tore me apart for some reason and I immediately burst into tears. I found myself refusing though I wanted so very badly to accept, to feel his arms around me, to hug him back.  It made me realize, even as I explained this conflict of emotion to him and he so gracefully accepted refusal, we all just suck for human beings sometimes… And I can be the stupidest fuck of us all.

I try to be bigger than this.

We build these walls, these rules, these conditions that only we live by – and they only make our own lives more difficult.

I spent a lot of today wondering if I’d have slept better if I’d accepted that hug.  In fact, as I drove off this morning, I felt a whole lot of fear that I wouldn’t make it home, wouldn’t see him again and if he’d resent me eternally for not giving him one last embrace, if I’d resent me if I made it home and he wasn’t there?  I’m thankful I am home.  I’m thankful he’s still here. I will not make the same mistake tonight.

I picked up a tub of Cherry Garcia, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream on my way home today.  I hope to take a few moments after work to share it with him – as tired and in need of rest as I am, I think I need some human contact with someone I know loves me very deeply.  He probably does too.  And Lars introduced me to this little bit of heaven when we first met.  I still remember the day we lay in bed together sharing spoon after spoon. He gave me all the delicious big chunks of cherry-chocolaty climatic flavour, leaving himself only the plain ice-cream and the little bits left over. But I digress…

The hug refusal…

The experience of sheer internal conflict and turmoil has caused an epiphany.  We don’t need to read the books on how to rekindle love and romance. Perhaps, Lars and I are meant to write the next one.

Lars said to me today, ‘We were meant to learn from each other that’s for sure, learn about love, trust and feelings.” 

What I learn, I’m meant to teach. Perhaps it’s why I write as openly as I do?

We are both deeply hurt, deeply wounded, and perhaps even a little bitter still.  We are not out of rough waters yet and tomorrow things may again take another drastic twist.  But, deep down inside, I’m sure Lars and I both want that very same thing, and that… that’s a great place to start.  We’re going to work on being friends right now.  We’re going to build on that fierce love we once had and disgusted the world with.  I’m going to try and listen better, to myself (what’s happening behind those mental walls and barriers I’ve built), and to Lars.  There’s not a doubt in my mind he’s going to do the same thing.

And hopefully tonight, we both get some real rest so this tired tear of mine might hide away for another day.