Forever Tainted

It took two sleeping pills for me to finally fall asleep last night.  I’ve woken this morning still exhausted, but willing to get on with my day... my life. 

I came to realize yesterday that every time we have had a falling out, I was somehow painted as the bad person when the reality of the entire relationship, the entire situation is that we were never meant to be. Period.

Because he thinks of me as selfish and arrogant, that’s all he’ll ever see in me.  His mind makes a decision on what my intent is, and judged as that I am.  There’s no convincing in the world that will make him see I really did just need to sleep my last night in Squamish, and had no intentions of drinking for '"third time in less than a work week," which in my opinion, is none of his god-damned business and he shouldn't be trying to guilt me about in the first place. There’s no convincing in the world that I withdrew from the day consciously because I did not want others to be uncomfortable in our fighting presence, that Tareq and I had no real plans set, but decided he would simply call when he got to Vancouver so we might try and make a meeting work – a call which came when I was already on the ferry.

Because I see him as narcissistic, egotistical and immature, my mind paints him, as it wants to see before I give him a chance to speak or act.  I’m aware of this. Because of this, I believe all the good he does for me, is really for him.  He gives a flower not because he wants to see me smile, but because he needs to feel thanked and appreciated.  He does a good deed not because it makes him feel good to do it, but because he craves the praise he gets in response.  And I'm probably very wrong about all this.  But because that's what I see now in him, that's what I'll always see.

He is not what I think of him, nor am I what he thinks of me.

We were simply not compatible. 

We lied to each other and to ourselves attempting to convince all that we were good.  We did not enjoy one another’s company.  We did not have great conversation.  We never saw eye-to-eye.  We stopped playing so long ago I can’t remember the last time I actually had fun with him, smiled with him, actually felt a connections with him – and I know for certain he feels the same way. 

We still tried.  We still had love for each other.  But we are not in love with each other.  Trying like this, only leads to contempt and dissatisfaction.

This chapter of my life is now done.

I don’t need 5 years of misery to tell me it’s time to leave.  Though he may not realize it yet, neither does he.  All the potential in the world doesn’t change a god-damned thing if neither one of us wants to do anything about it.  All the potential in the world doesn’t change a thing if we can’t communicate our true likes and dislikes without disgusting each other – and yes, often I find he does disgust me as he’s made sure I know I do him.

I don’t know about you, but for me… I simply don’t love you anymore.

I don’t want to do anything about that potential now.  It’s too late for that.  I’ve experienced too much of the ugly in you, for the good (and yes, there is a lot of good) to matter to me anymore.  Embarrassing acts like throwing gifts in stove fireplaces for my father and I to find, sending long emails of insult and accusation about me to all my loved ones, continual insult and badgering at me telling me what’s wrong with ME, how horrible a person I am, instead of listening to what I'm telling you I feel and communicating what you feel, what’s upsetting you … All of those things make me blind to any good you are or you’ve done now.

We come into each other’s lives for a reason.  Some meetings are temporary.  I’m thankful for my time with Lars.  I’m thankful to have had the grace of meeting and being with his family.  And I’m thankful that as he works through this heartache, he has them and is comfortable in confiding in them now.

I’m also thankful it’s over.  I’m tired of living a lie.