Forever Tainted

I find myself browsing the UAE classifieds looking for potential positions and feel my eyes swell up with tears, my throat tighten and my stomach turn itself inside out until there’s a hollow tugging pull in all directions. I am terrified of that place. I’m terrified of what it once made me and has the potential to make me again. I’m terrified of how dangerous it really is, with its ass backwards laws and consequences and unexplained actions. I half fear that customs will grab me at the airport as I enter for some unknown, unseen crime I’ve committed (or even just been accused of committing) and been charged with in absence, without ever being made aware of it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a real hard place right now.

It’s literally been months since I’ve spoken to my son. No one ever answers any of the telephone numbers I have for him and his father is useless at encouraging him to call me. After a night of dreaming about my baby boy being in my arms again, I woke this morning knowing I’ve about had enough of this.

Sometimes I curse my own morals and the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t kidnap him and somehow bring him home with me.

I called Dubai Police. It took four or five different telephone numbers I’d found online before I finally found one that didn’t just ring and ring. The man who answered was kind and gentle, but about as useless as I recall the majority of the UAE population to be. He told me to contact the UAE Embassy in Ottawa as they should help me. I explained I have tried to contact the UAE Embassy in Canada multiple times in the past for various reasons and I am never able to get through (as like most government offices in UAE, no one answers their Embassy phone here, either). He asked me to hold then came back with a local Dubai telephone number for me. After making me take it down, he explained it was the Canadian Consulate’s number in Dubai. They should help me. Of course, I’d have to wait until their tomorrow morning, or our current evening, to get an answer.

So I called the Canadian Consulate this evening. The man who answered the phone spoke with a thick Arabic accent and was so rude I called him out on it. He transferred me to a kind lady, who again couldn’t help me at all. Apparently, the only way I can get the UAE authorities to look into this, is to go back to the UAE myself and file a complaint with Dubai Courts. The only other possible option I have is to somehow give someone who is there, who is willing and able to help me fight for this, power or attorney. Of course, to give power or attorney to someone there, I have to do it in the UAE Embassy in Ottawa – or go to the UAE again.

Dealing with this country is spinning round and round, as fast as you can, in place. You don’t get anywhere and every now and then you find yourself so fucking dizzy you are left with a combination of severe pain and nausea.

So for now, I think I’m going to tuck myself into bed where I’ll cry myself to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow and hope being this far from my baby is less hard on me, than it is every other day. And I know it won’t be. So I’ll hope that the days will pass quickly and soon he’ll be old enough to come to me on his own, that he chooses to, and that when he does, he forgives me the choices I’d had to make that have kept us apart for so long.

Lars read that last entry of mine. Then, we opened a few early Christmas presents and celebrated ‘Us’. It occurred to us that we were spending so much time building up for one special day, we were kinda missing the ones in-between. So we celebrated. I left for Squamish knowing there was nothing wrong with us – knowing my everything would be waiting for me when I get home.

The week in Squamish was tough. On the way there, I got lost after dark. Lars' directions were vague, and the Port Mann construction meant they were void. Ramps no longer exist and the signs aren’t what they used to be. I fell into a raging fit of absolute hysteria. I felt like a little girl, alone, scared and so very vulnerable. I took it out on Lars. He let me. And then, when I calmed down a little, I realized I had my iPad. My iPad showed me my way, and secretly (under my tears and raging anger) I thanked Lars. His instructions may have been ass-backwards and confusing, but his gift is what showed me my way.

I arrived in Squamish shaken up and pissed off. I slept that night feeling like a bag of rattled nerves. It wasn’t the best way to start my week. The week was spent working – training our newbies, concentrating on closing the holes in our training process, and learning to improve myself. I have been working on being a nicer, more positive person as I am far too blunt at times. I’m thankful for having some fantastic guidance in my office. I really enjoyed being there and having an opportunity to learn myself.

When I wasn’t working, training or learning, or sleeping, I found myself concentrating on helping one of my very best friends cope with loss (mourning a little myself for her puppy who suddenly grew a heart too big for his body, and took his last breath in the middle of my visit). It’s all been emotionally exhausting.

I came home to find my gym almost finished. My weights are set up, my treadmill is plugged in, and everything is in place. When Lars was done with that, he rearranged our bedroom, just the way I’d suggested I’d wanted it. He is far too good to me.

I’m happy to be home. I’m happy to know that tonight I will sleep in my own bed with the man I want to wake up with every day for the rest of my life sleeping right beside me.

Lars and I aren’t at each other’s throats… but we’re nor at each other’s hearts either these days. We’re lukewarm, at best. Today while we were out shopping I snapped at him – I was on the verge of making one of those public scenes I hate so very much (and should probably be very thankful that he didn’t let it escalate but instead just stayed quiet). He was busy admiring the Dyson fans and I wanted his opinion on hangers (or maybe I was indirectly asking if I should bother buying them for myself, as he might just be as observant to realize they were something I really needed and want and may already be waiting under the tree for me?) The shopping trip wasn’t about him or me. I was going out to pick up gifts for the people in Squamish so they’ll be ready to go with me tomorrow.

I wasn’t looking at things for us (I’m pretty sure we’ve both already been spoiled for Christmas). I restrained myself from looking at things I really wanted. I felt annoyed and betrayed that he spent so much time on his own interests (like I didn’t notice the movie he had hinted he’d like to find under the tree at the store just before) – even if it does feel like it was just a few minutes looking at one fan to him, it felt like all day for me, waiting by those stupid hangers for a response. It’s not really the time of year for us to be thinking about ‘me’ at all and I would have normally just bought them for myself without blinking, but I don’t dare now, as it’s Christmas time and just maybe they’ve already been purchased. And now, we should be looking out for others. Today, Lars and my trip was meant to be about others… But it’s more than that…

I know how hypocritical this may sound. But I wasn't dwelling on, investigating or trying to spend any time on the stupid hangers - I just happened to notice something I think we need and didn't know if I should purchase them or if they've already been purchased for me. Lars was looking and learning about things for him. Earlier, I'd found lost him in the damn movie store as he was looking at (and eventually hinting at) movies he was interested in.

Our relationship feels dry right now. It has for a few days now. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s been longer than that and I’ve just pushed it under the carpets. I love him. I know he loves me. And our chances are higher than most who run off and get married these days, as it’s real…. But is this the dry, uninterested, taking-each-other for granted place couples find themselves in when they are so comfortable it doesn’t matter? He doesn’t make himself ‘pretty’ for me these days. I try to keep myself pretty for him. Maybe he doesn’t see it anymore? We aren’t as intimate as I want to be… I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just the time of year. Last year, this time, Lars and I almost broke…

Perhaps I just need to wait and see… In the meantime, it’s important I recognize and those around me (Lars) realize… I’m just not feeling it right now.

I’m leaving for Squamish tomorrow. I will miss you and I hope when I come home, things feel a whole lot better (for us both – as I’m sure if I’m feeling something’s off, so are you!).

I’m not really sure how I’m best to react to your Facebook friend request. I don’t know where it has come from or why you’ve decided you’d finally like to be a part of my life. We haven’t spoken in 17 years. I am very angry at you – more so since my mom died. I’m a grown enough person that I know I can let go of my anger eventually. What concerns me more is whether or not you’ll ever be able to accept how justified my anger towards you is. It really doesn’t matter whether you do or don’t; it’s more that I don’t have room in my life for negativity of any sort – and don’t have the energy even bother if you won’t be able to accept me for all that I am including my feelings towards you. I don’t want to bother, if being me will be met with negativity from you.

I am a grown woman. I’m pretty content with my life the way it is. But that really hasn’t always been the case – and I blame you for a lot of it. I have a father. His name is Martin. He has supported me emotionally for the majority of my life. He is the only person I have ever and will ever know as a father.

I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. To be blunt, I can be a fucking bitch and I’ve said some really nasty things about you because I feel some really nasty things towards you. I won’t ever take them back. I won’t ever be sorry for the way I feel or the things I have said. As far as I’m concerned you deserved them.

What I can do is leave the past, the person you were to my mother and the person you weren’t to me, in the past. And if you’re willing to accept me for who and what I am today – even if that hasn’t always been the most flattering person for you, I can try to accept you for who and what you are today. I will welcome your entrance in my life as I would any long lost relative. If you’re not willing to accept me and my feelings towards you, I have no interest in being your friend – not on Facebook or elsewhere, and I would appreciate it much if you didn’t even bother to reply to this email.

I gave Lars a greeting card tonight. It said, “I want to grow old and disgusting with you.” I’m pretty sure he feels the same and for that I’m pretty lucky. There’s another in the stack, waiting for the right time for me to hand it over. Perhaps, just maybe… I’ll hand it over once he’s had a chance to read and absorb these thoughts of mine.



I lost the true love of my life when I was a teenager. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve written about him & our fairytale-like tragedy. I cannot, until today, forget the man he was, who he made me, and who he became without me, and I without him.

I never thought I’d find a man who’d take his place. And I haven’t. My true love is out there somewhere... And he can go fuck himself. I’ve found someone that means so much more. I found someone whom I know would not let anything, nothing at all get between us. I found a man who might just possibly love me more than I do him (as if that were possible!). I found a man who will fight for me. I found a man I can depend on, without a doubt. I found a man who knows everything about me, and truly loves me still. I found a man who is secure enough in us, that I can be totally honest with him about everything. I found a man I may not always agree with, but love him for him just the same. I found a man that is not my ideal or true love, but my absolute soul mate. I found my match.

Leah… I know you once thought he was your man. He wasn’t. Your man is still out there – only you won’t find him if you don’t stop dwelling on mine, as if he were ever really meant to be with you. You really do need to move on now.

Lars arrived home from Manitoba last night. He’s not allowed to go again any time soon. We missed him far too much around here.

With my mom’s estate issues coming to an end, Lars, my father and I are all planning the future now. We’re taking steps towards Lars & my wedding, me building a home (shhh!), and Lars and I either having or adopting children. At 30 years old, I look and feel better than I have in my entire life. I’m surrounded by more love than I’ve ever known. I am so incredibly blessed. If 2012 is the end of the world, I’d want just one last hug from my son, and I’d be pretty much alright with that.

Such a busy non-summer it’s been! Most of it has been just brilliant.

I graduated my Web Design course – finishing with a final grade of 100% - after of course the Administrator corrected his typing error that initially gave me 97%. He blamed the mistake on others. I personally think he did it on purpose out of spite (I didn’t exactly make his life easy) – he probably didn’t count on me asking for specifics on how or why I was marked so low in the Flash section of the course. So when I did confront him, he blamed the instructor. When I copied the instructor on the communications and demanded an explanation for the mark and asked what part of the lessons I failed to get, my instructor assured me he’d marked me 100% across the board. The Administrator responded shortly after blaming another faculty member of the same first name as my instructor for the mistake. I don't buy it, but don't really care (I don't have to work with him), so long as my mark is corrected. My transcripts were corrected – not without fight of course.

Can’t really get much higher than 100%, though I’m not sure it’s fully deserved seeing how two sections of the course were taught by incompetent people and I honestly can’t say what I learned during those sections from the school. It really isn’t much of a school, but more a cash cow for the business owner. There’s no other reputable technology specific learning centre on the island – which means Q College can afford to financially rape students with half-assed courses taught by non-teachers. Out of an 11 week course that cost $7056.00 (inc. taxes), my entire class is asking for some sort of compensation for at least 3 weeks that were wasted by the school with crappy instructors with crappy instruction – it says a lot really when you’re taking about $641.45 a week. I did however learn a hell of a lot on my own taking online tutorials to cover the sections we were supposed to be learning in class. I’m still waiting on Q College’s promised reimbursement (either in cash or in lesson re-takes with qualified instructors). I highly doubt we’ll ever see it. To my knowledge, none of the other students have heard anything either.

Life goes on, and this almost-summer has had way more ups than downs...

I finally got to meet my sister Renee, and my nephews Brandon and Aiden. It’s almost scary how similarly Renee and I seem to be built:



We’re both the same height, same shoe size...

She is fantastic. My nephews are fantastic. And my biological father had enough respect for what I feel for him to keep his distance – I didn’t even have to look him in the eye. They came and left so quickly, it breaks my hear t to know I have such good family so far away… But at least I have them now.

Lars has left to Snowlake to take care of a Tree Falling contract for his father. He’ll be returning with his dad, and hopefully an excavator just as soon as the job’s done – however long that takes a few weeks or so. Crappy time of year for him to be in Manitoba. I hear there’s bugs. It’s weird to not have him in the house – not right. That’s something to think about next time I tell him I want him to leave out of anger. It’s not nice not having him here. We’ve had our ups and downs recently, but most of all, we’ll pulled through and we’re happy – still madly in love. He’ll be back soon, and next week I’m up and leaving to Squamish again for work…

Ahh, time for bed. My. Big. New. Empty. Bed. I miss Lars.

I’ll wait for you there, like a stone.

I’ll wait for you there… alone.

The last 24 hours have been emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausting.  I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.

You can’t offer a person a glass of tainted wine, with the capsules clearly visible and then claim you’re offering them nourishment, scream at them for not accepting your gesture, while they watch you try to poison them.