Forever Tainted

I slept better last night than I have in weeks, months even.  Lars and I ate our ice cream in one another’s arms and talked quietly of feelings – both good and bad, hopes, dreams and fears.  When my eyes just wouldn’t stay open anymore, I found myself asking him to sleep over. By ‘sleep over’ I meant, spend the night with me in my office, where I’ve migrated to throughout this charade.

He held me till morning and I felt him kiss me goodbye as he left just prior to me waking up to start my own day.  I had forgotten how much I missed his lips on sleepy-me in the morning.  Funny how that happens with the people we love: we get so comfortable, we forget to acknowledge the little things and we end up taking it all for granted.

I get off work early tonight.  8pm.  We’ve agreed that we will spend a small portion of each day really with each other, engaged in only each other.  We will make sure we have no distractions, no TV’s, no phones, no computers, just one another.  We’ll use this time to talk about our days, our feelings, whatever it is that’s going on in our heads and hearts.  It’s going to be a little bit of quality time we are going to make a necessary part, a habit of our every day life.  We’ve lovingly coined it ‘tea time’.  This is our first step to trying to make something we know is meant to be work, despite all our humanly flaws.  And tonight, will be our first attempt at it.

We’re both looking forward to it, though I have to admit, despite all my optimism I still feel a little uncertain.  I felt so sure things had happened I couldn’t get over, forget, and live with.  I was so certain my perspective of him and this relationship had been eternally tainted by raw emotion, and so convinced that we were done.  I’m very confused as to where all that certainty has gone, and why it’s been replaced by this new array of emotions.  I guess it really doesn’t matter though, because I like these emotions much better.

My body is still healing and every now and then I’m punished with a stabbing sensation in my tummy.  My heart still aches and I feel a deep sense of loss.  I imagine Lars does too.  My heart doesn’t feel as heavy, and I know I’m going to finally get some rest tonight; for that I’m very thankful.