Forever Tainted

It's been a week and a day now Tareq.  My heart still aches at the void born to humanity at your passing. I think of you constantly, perhaps just a little bit more than I did while you were still breathing. You were always in my heart. Your  name ran across my lips so often that your passing was much a loss for those I work and live with, though you never met.

Each encounter we ever had was like yesterday. I was shocked to read through our old emails and realize its been almost a year since we'd had a real chat of sorts. I thought it was just recently we were planning to meet at the Sun Run but a closer look proves those were last years plans, that fell through. The Sun Run is around the corner again and I missed you. I have learned from this.

I have reached out to those I love and let them know it, and I've made a promise to myself that I'll keep on doing so and more frequently. I want to leave each encounter knowing I was there, engaged, loving each breath with my company as you lived and loved each and every one of yours. I have tried to enter each encounter this week with love in mind and upon my lips.  It is my intention to forever now do so.

I've taken steps towards all those things you encouraged me (and so many others) to do. I have submitted my application form to volunteer  with the Suicide Awareness for Youth. Training starts this fall. I've contacted our Saanich Emergency Response. I am waiting a reply on how to get involved. I called Red Cross Canada and will volunteer with them as well.  

In yoga, this past week, I have accomplished things I did not want and would not have tried without you in mind. I'm thankful I did.

Your lessons weren't taught in vain, old friend. I am just one person. There are hundreds if not thousands you've  touched, each of whom you've encouraged to be a better person in some way.  How many of us have taken those first steps, only since you left us? How long might we have waited, if you were still here to be brilliant for us? Perhaps we'd end up taking our own last breath without allowing ourselves the opportunity to make ourselves just a little bit greater too? Without your life, without your death, we may not have ever known we had it in us to reflect even a little bit of you. Thank you. Thank you Tareq, for you and for all that you've given me and others. We will carry you with us always.

Where are my words and why does it matter that I cannot find them now? You are not here to hear them.

I thought to call you last week for some puzzle I was faced with, but opted out of disturbing you with such a trivial thing. I wish I'd instead taken a moment to dial your number just to say 'Hi dear friend. It has been too long. I miss you. How are you doing?'

You taught me Tareq, so many things by simply being. Where are the words to express that you have been with me every step of my way? And why must I find them when you are not here to hear?

These are the questions as those we once pondered together till dawn, dear friend, and now they are simply words lost in the wind. My life will never be the same with the knowledge that you are not here to respond. Your voice I'll never again hear. So selfish I am in this way - thinking of me when it's your turn to shine. And you loved me anyway - how much that says about you.

I miss knowing you are always there, already.  I love you and am so glad I made sure you knew when your ears were able to receive.

I have cried for two days now Tareq, and I'm certain I'll cry many more. I know you would not approve... But I hardly ever listened to you anyway. At least not right away. Perhaps when my eyes have had a moment to dry and my heart is ready for the next blow, the lesson you're meant to teach me now dear friend, will make itself clear.

Until then, please world let me mourn this tragic loss for humanity too many of you never knew.

I talked to my best friend on earth yesterday morning. Right now, she is in Kuwait. I should be in Kuwait, or she should be here. I miss her terribly. She’s not doing well. In fact, she’s recovering from attempting to slash her wrists last Thursday. I won’t go into details except to say I know all too well where she’s at and she does not deserve this and cannot help but feel I am at least partially to blame.

With that being said, I wonder if I’m in a much better place myself right now? My meditation is certainly doing me some good. But I am losing motivation to do it on a daily basis and I have no motivation to exercise or do anything else. In fact, I spend most of my time worrying about money and how the hell I can turn what little I have into enough to feel secure.

I can feel my depression seeping in again in the form of boredom, sincere indifference to most general aspects of my day-to-day life, and the unnerving discontent with my life in general. Sure the meditation is helping me cope with difficult situations, but it doesn’t change my personal core values at all. I’ve come to realize I want change. Big change.

I’m angry with unresolved issues and the anger is festering into deep feelings of hate and absolute disrespect. It shouldn’t be like that.

I don’t want to confront it again because I’ve done so already (albeit, in anger) and have pretty much been brushed off and ignored. I know pushing it further will do me no good. So I will lump it and live with it, in silence. At least until I’m in a better place.

I need to be in a place where I am in control of my own security. How to get there, is the problem… Where to find the focus and the time, when I really have no options but to spend every waking hour working towards and worrying about someone else’s?

Today is my first of 3 days off work this weekend. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have this overwhelming urge to go back to bed and just cry myself to sleep until Lars comes home to hug me.

Instead, I’ll try and fester the energy to go down to the gym and walk or run all this negative energy off.

At times like this, I really wish I were in Kuwait. Or my best friend was here.

I’ve been thinking a whole lot about what it is I really want to do with myself. For the majority of my life, I’ve known what I don’t want as opposed to what I do want.

I don’t want to live in poverty.
I don’t want to be disliked.
I don’t want to jeopardize my personal integrity.
I don’t want to be useless, incompetent or stupid.
I don’t want to be without financial security.
I don’t want to be around negative people.
I don’t want to feel crappy about myself, my body, my mind…

The list goes on and on. But ask me what I do want, and the opposite of any of those statements isn’t found in the furthest reach of my mind. I think I’ve realized why that is. My wants are consistently changing from moment to moment, depending on my surroundings, my thoughts and feelings during that very moment.

Yesterday, I found great pleasure in spice blends I create in my own kitchen, and I recall thinking and telling Lars, “I want to open a spice blend business”. My Italian spice mixes, my Arabic spice mixes, my Indian Masala, are all fantastic blends! I’m talented in the kitchen, and I could flourish there. I even spent a little time looking up the legalities to such a business in BC, online.

Today, that’s the last thing I want to do. Today, I want to own property and rent it out. I want my income to be based on that. Today’s desire is a more consistent want. I have always wanted to own large amounts of property and to rent each one out. Every time things go to complete hell, or feel like they’re going to complete hell financially – that’s where my ‘wants’ wander. Today is no different.

There is nothing I want more than to buy buildings… and perhaps sell spices, jewelry or paintings as a hobby while I collect rental income.

Today has been trying on my patience, my acceptance, my calm, and everything else I’ve been working towards lately. I have some major worrisome issues pending that are sincerely stressing me out at my core. When things are not in my control, I do not cope well. This is especially true when I have so much faith ahead of time, and perhaps delusions of control that I give my word to someone only to later learn that I cannot keep my promise.

I believe today is meant to be a test and how I choose to cope with and react to the events will help sculpt the path to my future in an either positive or negative way. I want the effects to be positive… But I think I’m going to just get drunk – because that’s everything I feel like doing right now. Whether or not that's positive I do not know. But it's what I feel I need. I work at 7:30am, so I better start drinking now.

Nunnight all.

It wasn’t long ago that the word ‘meditate’ induced images of fat Buddhist men sitting in absolute stillness and silence on some beach somewhere ignoring everything around them. Sitting still with your eyes closed is about all I understood it to be, and how fucking boring is that? Now that I understand it a little better, there is absolutely nothing boring about meditating at all. In fact, meditation is a challenge, a struggle, a lesson in the art of doing nothing.

As you silence your body’s motions, your mind tends to scream louder. Meditation is the art of silencing the body and the mind, recognizing your thoughts as they come and letting them go each time you realize your mind is wandering. Meditation is being in your body as a true observer of what’s happening to it, while you live in it without trying to change it.

The results, I’m finding of consistent, daily meditation is a calmer nature, less insomnia (in fact I haven’t had to take a sleeping pill since I started), and greater tolerance for pain and discomfort (both emotional and physical). And of course, I’m finding it far easier to tolerate, accept and embrace stressful situations.

I figured since I’ve been going on about it for a while now, I might as well give those of you who view meditation the same way I did up until recently, a little insight as to what it really means to meditate (to me). For more clinical information on meditation, see Wikipedia here.

~*~

The Ali Tattoo… With my recent blog makeover I included the henna-inspired tattoo I drew for my son. I drew the floral borders first by hand, and then in Illustrator. I intend to expand on it a fair bit before the next tattoo date, on March 3rd. What you see here and now will soon frame my shoulder and stretch down my arm.

~*~

We have finally filed our taxes. I’ve renewed my car insurance for the next year. I filled out the organ donor form, and Lars’ is waiting for his signature. Things are feeling pretty complete these days.

In the middle of writing last night’s blog entry, my sister Kelly gave me a call. She has a whole pile of bullshit to deal with, with her ex-husband and a few court dates coming up. She will be in my thoughts over the next little while, as will my niece’s and nephew.

I wasn’t able to finish with all I had to say. I got a letter from the lawyer acting as executor of my mom’s estate, in the mail yesterday. It was a copy of what was sent to our lawyer in town. Here’s what it said:

Dear Sir:

Re: Estate of ******* **** ********

Further to our recent discussions, please find enclosed copy of the Administrator’s Accounting along with copies of the Consents and Releases signed by your clients.

Pursuant to the Irrevocable Direction to Pay, we also enclose our trust cheque in the sum of $**,***.**, payable to you in trust. This amount represents your clients’ collective share of the residue of the Estate of ******* **** *****.

We confirm we are holding Sheila Fouchier’s share as we await receipt of her signed Consent and Release and/or instructions. We hope to receive those instructions in the near future, and will be in contact with you at that time.

If you require anything further, please do not hesitate to contact my assistant, Pat.

Yours truly,
******* ****** *******

This was brilliant news to start the day! Sheila is no longer given the upper hand on this whole situation and now, she’s only hurting herself with her own stupidity. The rest of us will be forwarded cheques for the residue of the estate. We will conceivably be able to pick up our files from the law offices and finally get closure to it all. Perhaps, we will now be able to put my mom to rest for real.

I sure do miss her.

Anyway, it’s about time for me to go and do my daily meditation. It’s working.

Lets start with the latest first… My father’s fourth child Amanda, who made the choice from the start, not to give me the time of day sent me an email today. It was in response to my email to her that outlined how lonely she’s chosen to make herself by spontaneously deleting me from her facebook (and not even giving me a chance to be her sister to begin with). Here’s what it said,

i never ask you for your opnion in this matter! The only reason i don't want you in my life is the reason with renee i don't want to be hurt like she hurt me... I really don't want to know anyone from dads side or do i need anymore sisters( one is fine)... that why i don't talk to you and thats why i prefer to be by self.. I'm not a negative person and/or a horrible person... i have lots of friends and i'm good going girl.... I really prefer not to talk to you and i don't think that i will ever... Never had you in my life and i really don't need you here now... sorry

Here’s what I had to say back:

Thank you Amanda.

You’ve made me rather certain I don’t want you in my life either. I am not Renee. Your experiences with me are totally different than yours with Renee. Renee and you is your past. With me (and now), you’ve proved yourself to be an unintelligent, narrow-minded, selfish little bitch who doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the wall and certainly doesn’t deserve my attention – while Renee has done nothing but shown me love, willingness to build a relationship with me and include me in my nephews’ lives. Renee is a godsend compared to you!

May your son (my nephew- whether you like it or not bitch) grow to be a better person than you are – because God knows you’re nothing more than a dirty little cunt. You’ve fucked your little sister over her entire life by being the evil-spirited, mean person you are – you should’ve had your tubes tied by force before you reached puberty – just my opinion (that you didn’t ask for, but you certainly created).

Enjoy your lonely life, while I enjoy mine full of love from my family (sisters and all) and friends. You need not respond to this. I’m certain nothing you could say will change my mind about what a terrible excuse for a human being you are.

There’s not a lot I can say about that, as one of my good friends Ibti summed it up in a status today saying:

"My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.”

I have far more important things to talk about… But this is enough for now...

My shoulder sounds like there’s a diaper stuck to it. This afternoon I went to Incendiary to get the Arabic in my mom tribute tattoo touched up. I also introduced Jimmy to my next piece, which is now scheduled for the 3rd of March. The next piece will almost frame my mom’s tribute, draping from the upper portion of my right back/shoulder and then dropping down my arm. It is a floral henna-inspired tribute to my son that I drew, first on paper and then electronically with Illustrator. My least favorite part about getting fresh ink has to be the bandaging. It’s annoying and uncomfortable – though I suppose (like the non-pain of today’s touchup tattooing) it’s another test of the calm and the mind’s strength I’ve found of late.

This evening, Lars and I went back to the shop for a little get together. While Lars had a few drinks with the rest of them, I opted to be the sober driver so instead made way to Timmy’s for tea. As I was leaving with my mint tea, a collective giggle & snicker in the corner proved (once again) that some things never change nor grow. As I walked out the door I took a deep breath and felt a whole-hearted smile grow within me as that short moment was confirmation that I have made some very decent choices in my life about the people I choose to and choose not to surround myself with. With that I will share that if you are a part of my life today, I value you, so thank you.

Yesterday I turned off all my Facebook notifications so I’m not longer notified by email when someone comments on my page, likes a link or even adds me as a ‘friend’. That means I’ll no longer get Facebook on my phone. That also means (I found out rather quickly) a whole lot of freedom & time. I actually had a bit of time to read a book (on Yoga) in the afternoon yesterday! And today, we made time to do something social. It was nice!

There’s a lot changing in our lives right now. Lars and I bought our first shared pets today, Mikky & Malorie the Siamese Fighting Fish. We’re increasingly thinking & talking about making human babies and other things that the future might hold for us. Next year, we intend to buy property – sometime after of course, our April wedding.

Spending an hour a day on myself meditating is opening a whole new world of calm for me. It’s also helping ground me in ways I never knew possible. I feel inspired as I watch what would normally stress me right out roll its way through my entire being with each breath, like a leaf in the wind. I’m finding a true sense of calm and contentment in my life – and that’s all kinds of awesome.

I’m not angry anymore about that stupid bitch. She’ll get hers, one day.

My brother and his girlfriend (the soon to be parents of Lars and my newest niece or nephew) came by for dinner tonight. Jesse called his father who insisted on talking to me, and then informed me that my aunt Patty has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has been given two years to live.

I’m just learning to deal with the stress with the everyday things like my job and my health for fucks sakes… I’m trying really hard not to make this about me, but fuck is it ever hard. Either I’m just selfish like that, or life really does need to throw me one goddamn lemon after another… But tonight… Tonight I’m making lemonade.

Jesse and Rachel are off buying an Ice Cream cake. I’ve asked them to make sure it says something lovely about the woman we could all live without. We’re going to eat that bitch sister of mine in some nasty way like we ate my grandmother a few weeks back.

And then next weekend, we’ll go show Patty some love over dinner.

My horoscope for 2012 says this year I’ll be hard to deal with. Maybe it has something to do with this year throwing more shit at me than I want to bother with. Or maybe, that’s just the stress still talking.

I finally got a response from the lawyer today. It didn’t come without pulling teeth though. Here’s how the conversation goes:

~*~

“Hello ***,
This is my 4th email to you about the status of my mother’s estate and whether or not Sheila’s refusal has had an effect on the same. There are two other beneficiaries here that are interested in the outcome who are looking to me for an answer. Are we going to get a cheque soon from my mom’s estate?
Martin and I are now questioning whether or not we wish to use you as legal counsel in the future as you are simply ignoring my request for an update. This is not what we look for in a lawyer at all.
As the legal executor of my mom’s estate, you have the right to charge us, but legally we question whether or not you have the right to ignore us when we have been as cooperative as we can about the entire situation.
If you could please update us as soon as possible on the same, we would appreciate the same much. We understand how frustrating it can be to deal with Sheila, but it is still not our fault.
Thanking you in advance for a response,
***”

~*~

“Hi ***, I sincerely apologize for not getting back to you. I spoke with (insert name of nasty former fireman who is fucking my sister and thus thinks it’s his business to get involved) last month and he indicated that Sheila is not prepared to waive a formal accounting of the estate, as they feel I acted inappropriately in selling the trailers to Martin. I have given a lot of thought to how to proceed. A formal application to the court to approve the estate administration may be inevitable given Sheila’s refusal. However, I will be speaking to (insert name of very expensive lawyer) on Monday about this to see if there are any alternatives and will report back to you after our call.
***”

~*~

“Thanks for the reply ***,
Is it safe for me to assume (and to tell others) that we are not going to get any money from my mom's estate, due to Sheila's refusal?”

~*~

“Hi ***, we will try to have the cost of the court application paid out of Sheila’s share, but it is possible that everyone’s share will be reduced.
***”
~*~

That fucking bitch and that dirty fat old bastard that’s fucking her, has issues with the executor selling my father the trailers for a thousand dollars after the appraisal came back and literally said they were worth nothing and should be recycled at the nearest dump. Do they really think they are going to get anywhere with this?

They’re not. Nope.

Just one more way that bitch can piss away any bits of remaining cash from my mom’s estate. It’s not bad enough she’s single-handedly forced us to spends thousands upon thousands of dollars on lawyers we would not otherwise need or want. But now, she has to deplete the little bit that’s less with an illogical refusal to end it all.

Some people truly are a waste of fucking air and should not have been born in the first place. This fucking cunt is the reason abortion should not only be legalized but FORCED upon some people. If my mom knew upon conception what Sheila would turn out to be and to do, there’s not a doubt in my mind she’d have aborted that fetus herself with a fucking hanger had she no other choice.

Sheila Fouchier (and all those dirty bastards who Google her name from time to time, know all you need to know about her is said in the next 7 words) you are a waste of human life.

Having breakfast at Sophie’s Place with my dad and Larry yesterday, I realized that one of my earrings is missing. These are the diamond studs Lars gave me a few weeks before Christmas. They match the tennis bracelet I unwrapped from him on Christmas morning.

When he gave both pieces to me I mentioned that I’d probably lose the earrings and break the bracelet (it being so dainty and all). He told me to wear them and that so long as I get to enjoy them then if they broke or were lost then it is what it is. Yesterday when I realized an earring was missing he reminded me that he could and would find me more shinies.

None of this makes me feel any better. I don’t want more earrings. I want those ones. I found the backing next to my side of the bed but I cannot find the actual stud. I feel as though I’ve looked everywhere and I keep hoping I’ll just roll over in bed and find it in my fingers or something. That’s probably not going to happen. But hell, it’s a good enough reason to go back to bed now.

As I sit on the couch here, I watch out the windows as two Humming Birds fly up and drink from each of the two feeders we have hanging outside each of our two bay windows. I can’t help but think as Lars’ Facebook status said this morning, ’just another morning in paradise.’ If it weren’t for those feeders, the Humming Birds would die, having no natural food source here in the winter and having learned long ago to depend on human assistance so they no longer migrate south. In a way, it’s a Paradise we help build – for us and for those around us. Even the Humming Birds now too lazy to fly away from the cold.

Why do we take so much offence to a person (any person) telling us, “We’re nothing alike you and I.” Is it the underlining insinuation that we can’t understand or empathize with where another person is at emotionally? That’s about all I figure it can be. It’s a conversation that started yesterday online and got my mind ticking and me thinking.

As we drove for what I referred to as a late-night trip (it was 6pm) to Dairy Queen to get an Ice Cream Cake to feed this sweet craving I was having, I mentioned to Lars how little he and I have in common. His response was, “Fuck off! We have a lot in common.”

That’s the way I felt when someone told me the same thing earlier. But really, our differences are what make life as entertaining as it is, so who cares about the rest? We all get to live in the Paradise or Hell we choose to create.

What we really need to figure out is, why do we spend so much time creating little ‘mind-hells’ to dwell in when right here, right now, where the Humming Birds dance in front of my windows, I could be enjoying a little bit of my Paradise?

People like you are able to tell me things about me that I don’t know, thanks to this crappy memory of mine. In fact, most of my childhood friends are. The ones who I still communicate with casually on facebook or elsewhere all seem to remember things we did together that I don’t recall in the faintest. I wish so many of us didn’t live so far apart these days… I’d love to catch up, be reminded of the things we got into. Perhaps it’d help explain why few of people I view as friends from way back then, seem so contently distant today? Or… maybe that’s just what grown ups do; get busy with life.

At 7:27am my son gave me a missed call this morning. I called him back right away and he answered. He sounded miserable. The most I got out of him was a ‘fine’. When I asked him why he seemed so down, he said he was tired and when he told me he loved me, he mumbled so that his words were almost inaudible. It would have been 7:27pm his time, so I suppose him being tired makes sense.

Trish explained that she’s seen the same thing with her young daughter as she talks to her dad on the phone. She’ll sound like dooms approaching, then hangs up and skips away merrily. I’m glad she shared this, as it makes me feel a little more like everything is as it should be and everything will turn out just how it’s meant to be – and I know in the end that will bring my baby boy to me. He wasn’t miserable to talk to me, just doing what a kid does on the phone. I just need to be patient is all.

As Lars mentioned earlier, it was lovely to hear his voice anyway. His dad has promised to send me photos by email soon too. I can’t wait.

My father left this morning for Ontario again. He’s gone for 7 – 10 days (with luck). On the 17th, Lars and I have the ‘Something like Christmas Dinner’ with Lars family in Langley and from there, I’m off to Squamish for a week of work – coming home just in time for Christmas. Lars will be coming with me to Squamish, if my dad’s back by then.

We’ve been having lots of fun getting ready for Christmas around here. The tree is up (and lopsided the way I like it), and there are gifts under it, in the closet and then others hiding from each of us in places unknown. Though with Lars giving me diamonds last week, I can’t imagine what in the world there still is hiding…

It’ll be a busy little while around here. In the meantime, I really need all of you who reached out to me after that last entry to know that I appreciate you. Thank you. Your kind words really did do me some good – they did matter. <3

I find myself browsing the UAE classifieds looking for potential positions and feel my eyes swell up with tears, my throat tighten and my stomach turn itself inside out until there’s a hollow tugging pull in all directions. I am terrified of that place. I’m terrified of what it once made me and has the potential to make me again. I’m terrified of how dangerous it really is, with its ass backwards laws and consequences and unexplained actions. I half fear that customs will grab me at the airport as I enter for some unknown, unseen crime I’ve committed (or even just been accused of committing) and been charged with in absence, without ever being made aware of it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a real hard place right now.

It’s literally been months since I’ve spoken to my son. No one ever answers any of the telephone numbers I have for him and his father is useless at encouraging him to call me. After a night of dreaming about my baby boy being in my arms again, I woke this morning knowing I’ve about had enough of this.

Sometimes I curse my own morals and the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t kidnap him and somehow bring him home with me.

I called Dubai Police. It took four or five different telephone numbers I’d found online before I finally found one that didn’t just ring and ring. The man who answered was kind and gentle, but about as useless as I recall the majority of the UAE population to be. He told me to contact the UAE Embassy in Ottawa as they should help me. I explained I have tried to contact the UAE Embassy in Canada multiple times in the past for various reasons and I am never able to get through (as like most government offices in UAE, no one answers their Embassy phone here, either). He asked me to hold then came back with a local Dubai telephone number for me. After making me take it down, he explained it was the Canadian Consulate’s number in Dubai. They should help me. Of course, I’d have to wait until their tomorrow morning, or our current evening, to get an answer.

So I called the Canadian Consulate this evening. The man who answered the phone spoke with a thick Arabic accent and was so rude I called him out on it. He transferred me to a kind lady, who again couldn’t help me at all. Apparently, the only way I can get the UAE authorities to look into this, is to go back to the UAE myself and file a complaint with Dubai Courts. The only other possible option I have is to somehow give someone who is there, who is willing and able to help me fight for this, power or attorney. Of course, to give power or attorney to someone there, I have to do it in the UAE Embassy in Ottawa – or go to the UAE again.

Dealing with this country is spinning round and round, as fast as you can, in place. You don’t get anywhere and every now and then you find yourself so fucking dizzy you are left with a combination of severe pain and nausea.

So for now, I think I’m going to tuck myself into bed where I’ll cry myself to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow and hope being this far from my baby is less hard on me, than it is every other day. And I know it won’t be. So I’ll hope that the days will pass quickly and soon he’ll be old enough to come to me on his own, that he chooses to, and that when he does, he forgives me the choices I’d had to make that have kept us apart for so long.

Lars read that last entry of mine. Then, we opened a few early Christmas presents and celebrated ‘Us’. It occurred to us that we were spending so much time building up for one special day, we were kinda missing the ones in-between. So we celebrated. I left for Squamish knowing there was nothing wrong with us – knowing my everything would be waiting for me when I get home.

The week in Squamish was tough. On the way there, I got lost after dark. Lars' directions were vague, and the Port Mann construction meant they were void. Ramps no longer exist and the signs aren’t what they used to be. I fell into a raging fit of absolute hysteria. I felt like a little girl, alone, scared and so very vulnerable. I took it out on Lars. He let me. And then, when I calmed down a little, I realized I had my iPad. My iPad showed me my way, and secretly (under my tears and raging anger) I thanked Lars. His instructions may have been ass-backwards and confusing, but his gift is what showed me my way.

I arrived in Squamish shaken up and pissed off. I slept that night feeling like a bag of rattled nerves. It wasn’t the best way to start my week. The week was spent working – training our newbies, concentrating on closing the holes in our training process, and learning to improve myself. I have been working on being a nicer, more positive person as I am far too blunt at times. I’m thankful for having some fantastic guidance in my office. I really enjoyed being there and having an opportunity to learn myself.

When I wasn’t working, training or learning, or sleeping, I found myself concentrating on helping one of my very best friends cope with loss (mourning a little myself for her puppy who suddenly grew a heart too big for his body, and took his last breath in the middle of my visit). It’s all been emotionally exhausting.

I came home to find my gym almost finished. My weights are set up, my treadmill is plugged in, and everything is in place. When Lars was done with that, he rearranged our bedroom, just the way I’d suggested I’d wanted it. He is far too good to me.

I’m happy to be home. I’m happy to know that tonight I will sleep in my own bed with the man I want to wake up with every day for the rest of my life sleeping right beside me.

Lars and I aren’t at each other’s throats… but we’re nor at each other’s hearts either these days. We’re lukewarm, at best. Today while we were out shopping I snapped at him – I was on the verge of making one of those public scenes I hate so very much (and should probably be very thankful that he didn’t let it escalate but instead just stayed quiet). He was busy admiring the Dyson fans and I wanted his opinion on hangers (or maybe I was indirectly asking if I should bother buying them for myself, as he might just be as observant to realize they were something I really needed and want and may already be waiting under the tree for me?) The shopping trip wasn’t about him or me. I was going out to pick up gifts for the people in Squamish so they’ll be ready to go with me tomorrow.

I wasn’t looking at things for us (I’m pretty sure we’ve both already been spoiled for Christmas). I restrained myself from looking at things I really wanted. I felt annoyed and betrayed that he spent so much time on his own interests (like I didn’t notice the movie he had hinted he’d like to find under the tree at the store just before) – even if it does feel like it was just a few minutes looking at one fan to him, it felt like all day for me, waiting by those stupid hangers for a response. It’s not really the time of year for us to be thinking about ‘me’ at all and I would have normally just bought them for myself without blinking, but I don’t dare now, as it’s Christmas time and just maybe they’ve already been purchased. And now, we should be looking out for others. Today, Lars and my trip was meant to be about others… But it’s more than that…

I know how hypocritical this may sound. But I wasn't dwelling on, investigating or trying to spend any time on the stupid hangers - I just happened to notice something I think we need and didn't know if I should purchase them or if they've already been purchased for me. Lars was looking and learning about things for him. Earlier, I'd found lost him in the damn movie store as he was looking at (and eventually hinting at) movies he was interested in.

Our relationship feels dry right now. It has for a few days now. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s been longer than that and I’ve just pushed it under the carpets. I love him. I know he loves me. And our chances are higher than most who run off and get married these days, as it’s real…. But is this the dry, uninterested, taking-each-other for granted place couples find themselves in when they are so comfortable it doesn’t matter? He doesn’t make himself ‘pretty’ for me these days. I try to keep myself pretty for him. Maybe he doesn’t see it anymore? We aren’t as intimate as I want to be… I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just the time of year. Last year, this time, Lars and I almost broke…

Perhaps I just need to wait and see… In the meantime, it’s important I recognize and those around me (Lars) realize… I’m just not feeling it right now.

I’m leaving for Squamish tomorrow. I will miss you and I hope when I come home, things feel a whole lot better (for us both – as I’m sure if I’m feeling something’s off, so are you!).

I’m not really sure how I’m best to react to your Facebook friend request. I don’t know where it has come from or why you’ve decided you’d finally like to be a part of my life. We haven’t spoken in 17 years. I am very angry at you – more so since my mom died. I’m a grown enough person that I know I can let go of my anger eventually. What concerns me more is whether or not you’ll ever be able to accept how justified my anger towards you is. It really doesn’t matter whether you do or don’t; it’s more that I don’t have room in my life for negativity of any sort – and don’t have the energy even bother if you won’t be able to accept me for all that I am including my feelings towards you. I don’t want to bother, if being me will be met with negativity from you.

I am a grown woman. I’m pretty content with my life the way it is. But that really hasn’t always been the case – and I blame you for a lot of it. I have a father. His name is Martin. He has supported me emotionally for the majority of my life. He is the only person I have ever and will ever know as a father.

I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. To be blunt, I can be a fucking bitch and I’ve said some really nasty things about you because I feel some really nasty things towards you. I won’t ever take them back. I won’t ever be sorry for the way I feel or the things I have said. As far as I’m concerned you deserved them.

What I can do is leave the past, the person you were to my mother and the person you weren’t to me, in the past. And if you’re willing to accept me for who and what I am today – even if that hasn’t always been the most flattering person for you, I can try to accept you for who and what you are today. I will welcome your entrance in my life as I would any long lost relative. If you’re not willing to accept me and my feelings towards you, I have no interest in being your friend – not on Facebook or elsewhere, and I would appreciate it much if you didn’t even bother to reply to this email.