Forever Tainted

Last Thursday, Lars and I lost a baby. 

We decided to terminate the pregnancy, knowing neither of us was in any position to bring a child into the world.  Before learning it was a pregnancy eating at my immune system, simply thinking I was sick with ear and throat infections, I’d unknowingly taken a course of antibiotics, a few sleeping pills and had a few too many heavy drinking nights – it being my birthday month and all.  Our relationship itself wasn’t solid enough to have children – just recently taking a blow so big I didn’t think we’d ever fully recover from; and financially we were certainly not stable enough.

We weren’t going to tell anybody out of fear it would only cause more pain and confusion than we were all already facing due to other family circumstances and situations.

Today I’ve realized that I’m tired of bearing all the pain and protecting everyone else from it.  I’m tired of being labeled the arrogant, self-centered one, when almost everything I ever do is in consideration of those around me and all I really ask in return is a little consideration right back.

Not now.  Now, I need someone to recognize how fucking hard this has been, and still IS on me. I don't have a fucking shoulder to cry on.  My mom's dead.  My closest friends, my son even are on the other side of the planet. And no one else I  know could possibly understand what the hell it is I'm feeling.  And I need that person who understands even remotely, to not  be him… because I just don’t believe him, or even believe in him anymore.   

I’m going to be selfish now, and I’m going to use my damn journal for what it’s meant to be used; FOR ME.  And I’m going to share it.  If you don’t like it, well fuck you – stop reading.

Lars has his mom, his sister, his step-dad, and his real dad… countless people.  Not me.  Me… I have my fucking journal to spill my guts to.  Do you have any idea how hard it's been to KEEP from writing about this until now -- thinking of others and how upset it might make them?

How fucking upsetting has HAVING TO HIDE THIS, to lie about this, has it finally gotten me?  IT IS TIME I THINK ABOUT AND TAKE CARE OF MY FEELINGS.

I’d spent the weeks since I found out I was pregnant, feeling my body grow, swell and ache torn by the concept of abortion, so very badly wanting to hold an infant in my arms and know it was another part of me and someone I loved.  I tossed around the idea of keeping it.  I half-tried to convince myself that maybe we should – at one point, it seemed as though everything was conspiring against the abortion.  I even suggested it a few times to Lars.  But he kept me grounded, in knowing and confirming we were in no position to parent a baby – he didn’t seem to flinch even once over it. And I couldn't be more certain than right now, not even when the doctor told me it would never make full term, he was right.

There wasn’t an appointment available on the Island until long after I start College. Lars and I had to go to Vancouver.  That’s why I ended up in my office as I did.  That’s why the trip was so sudden and shady, with no hello’s along the way. 

I was needed in my office to help train new staff and to cover for a boss while she was at a conference yesterday.  But I had no plans to actually go being sick, pregnant, contemplating abortion, all with my studies starting this Monday.  I couldn’t afford the trip and simply didn’t have the time.  It was only when I realized I had no choice but to go to the mainland anyway, that the parts of this trip started falling together. The logic of me heading up north to Squamish right after, spreading myself far enough to get done what I needed done, help my office out where I could, heal as best I could and still get back in time to start my course, hopefully seeing loved ones for a short visit on the way back, could work and made sense!  So what if it wore me a little thin? I’m a tough girl. I can take it.

Some seem to think, I can and should take anything and everything.

Thursday Lars and I were at the clinic in Vancouver.  Before performing the procedure the doctor did an ultrasound and advised me the embryo, at eight weeks along, was non-existent.  I was going to miscarry anyway.  Despite planning on terminating the pregnancy, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt still brings me to tears now: betrayed by my own body.

I had a choice, get it over with then and there or let nature run its course; suffering a natural miscarriage within the next few days.  I had the procedure.  I did it without meds. You are not allowed to drive for 24-hours if you take the meds, and almost immediately after I needed to drive the Sea to Sky to get to my office.  So that’s exactly what I did.  I had a very painful operation (in more ways than one).  Lars and I ate lunch.  And then I drove the two hours north to my office, while he headed back home to take care of other obligations we couldn’t avoid.

I pretty much spent three days sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch, getting up only to paint a canvas. I was lucky enough to only start work on the following Monday.  I spent the rest of my time there working, or sleeping for the most part – excepting the two evenings where Jody and I shared a few glasses of wine, as girlfriends should every now and then.

I worked 40+ hours last week, while trying to heal from my torn apart stomach.   I was then diagnosed with Psoriasis (on my face) on Wednesday evening.  Psoriasis is a reoccurring skin disease doctor’s believe may be caused by stress.  And when it’s on your face, it’s horrific both looking and feeling.  Mine, was between my eyes, creeping closer and closer to my actual eyeball.  I had no choice but to treat it with steroids.

I’m fucking tired.  I have had enough life lessons for now.

Today is my only day off, before I start another 6-day week, only this next one also  includes full-time school in addition to work, and all the healing: physical, psychological, and emotional, I need to do at the same time. 

All I wanted was to spend today smiling in the sun that’s finally made an appearance, with loved ones. But no… that’s not going to happen.

I cannot smile when I’m being told I’m selfish, because I want to wake up naturally rather than to the sound of the alarm that’s been breaking my much-needed rest all week.  I cannot smile when I’m being accused of wanting to party the night before, thinking only of myself and no one else, when that couldn’t be any further from reality – I simply needed to and indeed did, go to sleep in order to feel half ok for today.  I cannot smile and enjoy myself, when I’m being told it’s selfish and arrogant of me to even suggest we could try and fit a quick visit in with a friend from the States who just happens to be passing through the same city we were meant to pass through today. And I especially cannot smile when I’d already told that friend chances are it wouldn’t be possible, but we could try, and I am then made aware ‘trying’ wasn’t an option because you KNOW we won’t have enough time – even if you’re sorry about it. 

I cannot smile, when I decide to distance myself from the bickering, the verbal attacks and accusations, by removing myself from the day’s equation – only to be told, I am the reason for ruining everyone else's day! Selfish, inconsiderate me!

I removed myself because I didn’t think anyone else needed to be involved in our misery! I didn’t want them to have to suffer our bad day together – because clearly the day had been shot for me!  I just wanted to go home and go to bed.  You could have gone to see your mom, sister and dad. You could have enjoyed yourself and your evening with them.  And left me away from you to rest in actual peace.  Instead, you choose to get on a returning ferry, continue an ongoing fight blaming me for you not seeing your family. All the while you continued to berate me on what a horrible person I am and need to know it.

I cannot smile or enjoy any of this. I’m FUCKING tired of it all.

But most of all…

I’m tired of you having to be with someone you think is so arrogant, selfish, mean, spoiled and immature.  You certainly deserve and can find someone you think of as better.  While I… I deserve to be with someone who thinks higher than this of me – and I’m sure I’ll find that too.

I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I am going to try and go to sleep.  I’m going to wake up tomorrow and do my job as best I can.  Then I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I will continue to try and sleep.  I will continue to do this, to sleep off this misery until I am damn well ready to deal with anything else from anyone else.  

While you keep your word to take care of things as you have, I am going to be as civil with you as I can.  I’m going to respect you for who you are. And I pray you’ll be man enough to treat me with some civil nature and respect while we separate our lives.

But for now… I AM JUST FUCKING TIRED. And I don’t give a shit if you think this is selfish: me being arrogant, selfish, childish, immature, whatever… doesn’t change what you make me feel… make me think of you.