Forever Tainted

Having breakfast at Sophie’s Place with my dad and Larry yesterday, I realized that one of my earrings is missing. These are the diamond studs Lars gave me a few weeks before Christmas. They match the tennis bracelet I unwrapped from him on Christmas morning.

When he gave both pieces to me I mentioned that I’d probably lose the earrings and break the bracelet (it being so dainty and all). He told me to wear them and that so long as I get to enjoy them then if they broke or were lost then it is what it is. Yesterday when I realized an earring was missing he reminded me that he could and would find me more shinies.

None of this makes me feel any better. I don’t want more earrings. I want those ones. I found the backing next to my side of the bed but I cannot find the actual stud. I feel as though I’ve looked everywhere and I keep hoping I’ll just roll over in bed and find it in my fingers or something. That’s probably not going to happen. But hell, it’s a good enough reason to go back to bed now.

I’m sick but that’s ok. It’s a tired, stuffy-headed, sniffly, sneezy, brain-in-the-clouds, kind of sick and not the I-want-to-puke-while-pulling-my-own-hair-out-and-shedding-my-own-irritated-skin kind of sick. I can live with this sick. And I’d rather be sick now than during Christmas or over the New Year.

And today, I was reminded once again how lucky I am. I was allowed to leave work a few hours early today – not really because I’d asked, but because it worked and I really am not feeling well. My brain already seems to want to turn off before 8pm anyway, so working until this time is harder on me than it used to be. I’ve spent the extra few hours I have cuddling on the couch, and re-baking the dinner buns I tried earlier but managed to kill the yeast with heat so they didn’t rise properly. This time, they rose perfectly. Now I know exactly what I’m bringing to our ‘Something like Christmas dinner on the 17th’. And they are good!

Tomorrow is Lars tattoo day. I cannot wait to tease him as he get stabbed billions of times over and over and over again. I cannot wait to see the finished result and to help him heal. I <3 him. And I love that I’m able to give him this (in a way). Even if he won’t tell me what he got me for Christmas.

Buns are about ready to beep at me. And my eyes are growing weary. I’ll sign off with a big breath of contentment. Life is good. Even when I’m sick.

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And though my free time may be minimal, the time Lars and I have together is well worth it.  We enjoy our tea-time together.  We’re pretty content around here.

Oh how life gets in the way…

That’s one of my favorite sentences there… I use it often when I feel overwhelmed, busy and like I’ve been neglecting those chores like writing in this blog here... And now that I think about it, I’m not sure I even know what it means… but I’m sure you do. ;)

As I initiate my refresher courses from high school, I can’t help but admire all those 16, 17 year olds that know this stuff off the top of their heads. I get it. I understand it. I remember it. I process it. And a day later, I forget it. I just can’t seem to retain it. I have a feeling it’s because I know subconsciously I will never need to know how one molecule bonds with another, nor will I need to know what the name of this bond is. But blah… I’ll manage.

On the other hand, I already dislike my instructors and their training styles. I’m picky and when an educational institutions orientation course tells you proper internet etiquette is to use the smiley faces like the one at the end of my 1st paragraph here, you just know I’m going to have problems. No joke, they believe that most people are such incompetent writers they can’t express themselves clearly enough without the emoticons. This very well may be true, but should they not then be training those very writing techniques, rather than encouraging a cheap, lazy alternative? Oh how the great authors of the past are probably turning in their graves.

But whatever… When I get tired of them, I get to go to my real job where I work my ass off, all with the underlying dread of having that conversation with the bosses. I just don’t know how it’s going to go, or even what exactly I’m going to tell them. All I know for certain is I’m headed back to Squamish near the end of February, when we’ll have lunch and that conversation is due.

Aside from school and work I’ve been busy, building (or playing with rather) Chrystals.ca. Figuring out Joomla from scratch was a blast! (Read sarcasm). My Jody swears up and down by Wordpress as a content management system, so once I get a bit of time… I just might have to train myself on that instead and switch from Joomla. The truth of the matter is, I just wanted to own that domain. I have no intentions of making anything special out of it just yet.

My mom’s estate matters are slowing coming to an end, with the semi-regular emotional stab of some sort or another. Researching, writing emails, or attending meetings that the lawyer himself forgets while the whore of Lucifer and her current fling remember, inevitably turning into all out brawls, takes up a lot of my time as well.

Lars is keeping himself busy around the house and at work. We had my engagement ring sized to fit last week and as we always do, we made space for a little playtime along the way. I don’t know how I ever lived without this man – he really does complete me, even when he is having one of those days where he has to disagree with everything I have to say… And he always finds a way to make up for his bad days, with incredibly good ones. Last week, for example, he went to my nail salon and booked me an appointment without telling me. He drove me there, dropped me off and then paid the bill. He did it for no reason at all really. He said it’s because he’s proud of me, because he felt I deserved some pampering. Going on a year now and he still makes me feel like a princess. The men in my past… the Arab men who are known for their hospitality seemed to be the complete opposite of that. That’s a completely different blog post though…

We’ve found a renter for one of the basement suites and by this weekend hopefully, we’ll be completely moved out of the other (we’re well on our way now). We spend more time upstairs than we do down.

Finally, I’ve managed to lose about 9 lbs and sadly, little of it is due to exercise. I haven’t had time to jump on my elliptical, nor have I had a chance to visit the gym or even go for a run. It’s purely healthy eating. (It works! You just have to know what healthy eating really is!) We’ve had plenty of homemade truffles, Jello’s and even roasted cashews, lobster and steak. Even my father has lost about 5 lbs with my help around here. Healthy lifestyle is exactly what I’m aiming for, and the reason I’m torturing myself with sciences and mathematics again. It’s in part, exactly why I’m so fucking busy lately.

But as you can see, despite my initial claim that life is getting in the way, I’ve actually been well… living a hell of a lot of life lately; so much so, I just haven’t had a minute to get caught up here, until now.

The Holiday Season is Here…

So much has happened since I last wrote here; most of which good – and even that which isn’t the greatest always seems to have a silver lining eventually. I’d almost forgotten about this little haven.

“Blog More,” the text message I got last night read. It was from James, a friend and fellow blogger. He’s right. I haven’t spent enough time here and writing. And I seemed to have abandoned my journaling all together once again. Change is inevitable, but who would have thought something I was once so passionate about, writing, would now seem so meaningless? Oh how that mirrors so much in my life.

I’m not 19 anymore and I don’t know it all. What else is there to say?

For the sake of the sake, Lars and I have pretty much finished both suites now (he did far more work than I), and now all that’s left is the cave for the hottub. Winter’s here and winter sucks both for construction and my personal mood. With earlier evenings (who is the idiot that thinks we still must observe daylight savings?) and colder days, I find myself lazy, listless and mildly depressed. I suppose the medication ensures that depression stays mild. And work keeps me too busy to ponder too many evils.

Work is better than good. The few evils I ponder are horrific. I think about my mom, and though I have come to terms with her death, I don’t know that I’ll ever come to term with how she died and how much pain she endured; 7 heart attacks in a row. I don’t know that I’ll ever come to terms with the people who helped her die, and desecrated her remains after the fact; we are still in legal battles. I don’t know that I’ll ever view life the same way again.

I think about my son, and the quote I was given for a lawyer to look into a case to have him here, or at least force his father to give me regular updates on his well-being… $7,500 American, as a retainer. That’s just the start. It’s simply not something I can afford today – though you can bet your ass that if I find the markets turn and selling my apartment in Dubai because a feasible solution, I will pay 5 times that without blinking an eye. I miss my son.

And through it all, Lars is there to love me, comfort me and accept me, even for my most horrible moods. I suppose I’m pretty lucky these days. Lucky enough to feel I have little to say here...

I was feeling a little bit crappy this morning. While I work, my man is out buying me sweets as an effort to help me feel better. I dragged him to the gym last night. For the most part, the gym is something I like to do on my own, but I’m certain he had a good time there.

I stumbled across a fun little T-shirt sales site this morning. I liked what I saw enough to become a member. As a result, you can enter the coupon code ‘sale’ at check out and you’ll get 15% off anything you purchase.

Here are some of my favorites:

I !*&% Zombies



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Pants on the Ground!





(Lars’s nephew loves this song. I think I might have to buy the shirt for him!)

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You like this



Every person who has a Facebook account should have this shirt to sleep in.

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And this one… this one is my absolute favourite. But no image for you. You must click on it to see.

Half Evil

I hope everyone else woke up feeling a little better than I did today. Perhaps I'll find myself more inspired to write more later.

Spent a short time in my old blog tonight and remembered how much I loved to write. It’s been so long since I’ve actually taken a pen to paper and had something decent to say. Perhaps the passion is dying. Maybe my soul just isn’t as fiery as it once was. Or perhaps I’m just getting old.

I was a poet once. I was a woman of words. Now, I can hardly find the words to talk coherently.

Maybe I need a cause. Maybe I need a niche. Or maybe… just maybe, I’m just done?

What do you think of the new design?

I’m getting restless. In the past little while I’ve picked up knitting, fabric printing and a paint brush again. I’ve read an entire book that I found lying around my office during the course of 3 shifts. But even with a new hobby each week, and a new boy in the picture I’m not satisfied. It’s like I’ve always got to be going somewhere or doing something.

Yesterday I drove to Vancouver. For a minute or two in the morning, Squamish just felt too small for me. All I could think while on the way was, ’the US border is just an hour or so that way’. I had my 18-year-old niece with me. Maybe, if I have time for it and this urge to move doesn’t up and leave me, I’ll visit Flur next month. I want to go to Seattle. It’d be a nice change, being the odd Canadian driver on American streets, rather than the odd asshole with Washington plates on our roads, forgetting their high-beams on, blocking traffic, failing to give way, and driving slow in the fast lane of our Canadian highways. Sometimes, it feels like a curse living between the boarder and one of the world’s best ski resorts and usually, that’s when I’m either blocked or blinded by an American driver making their way up to the resorts.

The sun is coming out and the snow is melting. I’m starting to wake up early again, as if all the winter sleeping is done with and life can begin again. I wonder if it’s just the seasonal transition that makes me feel so restless? Maybe I should get a second job?

I didn’t need it. I wanted it. I could have come home and gone to bed. Instead, as soon as I was dropped home, I jumped into my car and to the store to buy a pack. I then drove to Whistler, because I live so fucking close and hadn’t bothered to do it yet. From Whistler, I drove back into town, to Shoppers where I bought the lightest, brightest blonde hair dye I could find. I now sit waiting for it to take to my somewhat brown hair. I dyed it dark at the start of winter. It’s still fucking cold, but it’s time to be blonde again.

I met a boy. He confuses me. I confuse me. I don’t need a boy. But I think I may want one. And even worse, I think I may want him. But he’s so wrong for me in so many ways... and so right in so many others. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with him. But I know next time I see him, I’ll be blonde.

Boys are bad. Girls are worse. And I smoked a cigarette.

Yesterday, the road report said the temperature was 2 degrees, at noon. I find that hard to believe because the chill of the breeze seemed to slice though my clothing and into my skin. I was almost sure I’d wake up this morning to find a coat of white snow covering everything in sight. The mountains surrounding this little town have been capped in snow for a couple of weeks now. It’s creeping in.

I hate the cold. And it doesn’t help that the sun seems to start setting around 4pm. By 5 you feel as though it’s about 11pm – time for bed; when really, you haven’t even had dinner yet. Winter is depressing for me. The next few months will not be easy.

Whenever I think I’m starting to miss Dubai, Youtube is all I need:


Home sweet, home:

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I don't know if this says more about Dubai, or the presenter here:
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I should have learned to ski while I was there... Maybe then I'd have reason to drive 30 minutes north of here, and hit the slops!

I woke up this morning feeling down. It’s the first time I’ve felt like this since I got here and I’m not really sure what to make of it. I’ve worn myself these last few weeks, in particular, these last few days have been rough. Not only did I start working full 8 hour shifts, but I stupidly pulled an all-nighter on the first of my nights off, with a Breast Cancer Garage Sale Benefit to take part in the following morning. I managed through that, selling my jewellery with a smile on my face; the proceeds of which made up for a large portion of the charitable profits. That evening I had a house guest come and he only left yesterday morning as I was off to work at 6am.

Last night was the first full nights’ sleep I’ve had for about 4 days. I woke up this morning without an alarm, and I sit now with my coffee listening to the children giggle, as they walk by on their way to school. The sun is shining and the air is crisp. I’ve taken my vitamins, and I don’t work until 3pm this afternoon so I have ample time to clean my house and get a few odds and ends done. I have no real reason for feeling as crappy as I do.

My father is planning on coming out here for a visit soon. He and my mother are still in the process of separating, though my mother has once again taken a spin for the worst. She had taken a minimum wage job at some dollar store only to lose it with her first paycheque – with money for alcohol, who wants to go to work? From what I understand her lawyer is on the verge of dropping her since, who the hell can represent a crazy person who is incoherent enough when she’s strait, when she’s perpetually drunk? I’m so tired of the whole situation and I wish it would all just go back to the way it was in Dubai, when my mom was normal and my parents got along brilliantly. It’s heartbreaking really.

I have little other than that to share right now. Perhaps as the day moves on, I’ll start to feel a little better, since really there’s nothing stopping me excepting me.

I was woken last night just after 1am to the sound a train thundering through my yard. The tracks are just a few feet beyond my fence, and every time the train goes by my whole house shakes, like a mini earthquake interrupted only by the sound of the trains whistle blowing. It sucks. My first few nights here the last train on the day seemed to go by at 9.40pm – which totally isn’t a problem. But for two days now they have been creeping up into the wee hours of the morning. The night before last, it was 11.30, and last night quarter past 1. If a train goes by at 3am tonight, I think I’m going to wake up crying.

But seeing how the time of the train is my only real stress around here so far, I really shouldn’t complain. I’ve moved into my own place. It’s a dollhouse. Actually, as the landlord explained, she initially built it for her children as a playhouse but accidently built it too big for that. She then decided to add a bathroom and half kitchen and rent it out. It’s a tiny little cabin with a loft upstairs. It’s perfect for the little girl that I am, and will be even better when I get my python back and keep him as the guard-pet!

Life is treating me real well. I haven’t had a lot of time for the net lately, thus the lack of posts or entertaining stories shared. I would like to wish all a Happy Ramadhan, forgive me for being late.

Karma is a bitch, I wish I knew what I did to deserve this shit storm... He asked me to leave and I did. When someone else he knows shows interest in me, he says he’s fine by it. When I’m seen in public with that someone else, shit hits the fan and my life becomes a soap-opera again. I’m not even on the fucking island and I’m the center of attention.

My father and mother are separating and it’s certain. She’s been in touch with a lawyer who since got in touch with my father’s lawyer. I’ll end up having to testify and that’s fine. The truth will not work in my mother’s favour but the way I see it, she hates me so much without any reason anyway, what more can the truth cause? With any luck, I’ll at least be able to help my father out. Any financial gain she takes away from this separation will be pissed away on alcohol, lawyers’ fees and whatever random crap she decides to pick up from junk shops along the way. She’s already been selling off her gold and pearls to feed her habits. It disgusts me to know what’s she’s done, what she’s attempting to do, and where it’s all going to lead. I wish I knew how my mother became what she is today, and I dread the day I become the same.

I’ve been here just over a week. I haven’t taken a single anti-depressant pill and I feel fantastic – despite the drab things that seem to be happening in my life. I’m well on my way to finding a job and generally, I’m happy. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Yesterday was a rough day. With the news of Sleepless in Muscat’s demise at the top of the list of sad news. Allah yer7amak.

I woke up late. I’d forgotten to take my pill. And I was all around miserable thanks to the down effects of the pills I’d taken the night before. I did however, get off my ass and to the job interview, and I did end up at the post office to collect my study materials from the school I’m now attending. I’ve been waiting on them for nearly a month. And by the time I got home, there was a bittersweet treat from my ex husband in my inbox; a KG graduation photo of my son. And God is he beautiful Mashallah.

Last night I was eaten alive by mosquito’s. The gorgeous surroundings here come with a price. Perhaps I’ll get around to photographing some of the area here, as well as some of the critters that come with it sooner or later.

Anyway, it’s now 6.33am and I’m up. I’ve soothed my bites with Calamine, I’ve taken my pill and I’m drinking my first coffee. The sun is shining bright, and with any luck that’ll be the first sign of true summer around here. I’ll spend today studying, and perhaps getting some housework done. No matter what happens, today has got to be a better day.

Lorazepam is bad when abused.