Forever Tainted

“I feel like crying,” I said as we walked into the kitchen.  And before the words were out of my mouth I choked up, my eyes filled with tears and my knees went weak.  I fell into Lars’ arms and just sobbed against his chest for a bit.

Mother’s Day is hard for me. 

My mom’s dead.  I have no mom to spoil. My son is a world away from me. Most people forget I’m a mom at all – let alone spoil me.  And I don’t even know that I deserve to be spoiled, anyway.

Lars didn’t even wish me a good day today.  And when I mentioned it, the significance of this day for me half way through the day, he responded with the reality, ’I didn’t think of it like that’.  I’m not angry at him at all about this.  It’s just how it is… Not many think of it like that.

I wonder how my brother’s doing today. I imagine the repeated reminders that our mom is no more, are eating him alive right now.  And he seems to take this truth the hardest.  He was her baby after all…

My ex-husband sent me photos of our son, a video too.  He’s growing so much and he’s so very beautiful.  I miss him.  And sometimes I wonder if I’m getting any closer to going back there to be with him, or if he’s any closer to coming here to be with me.  The thought fills me with more hope than I could ever describe.  I don’t even know if he’d like me today but I know I love him and want nothing more than to be with him.  It’s been years too long now. And I can still hear his cries as we said our last goodbye – him not understanding at all just what my trip would mean.  It was so unfair to him; so necessary, but so very unfair.

This is life I suppose.

And along with that cry, I can still hear his laugh as he did when I whispered repeatedly in his ear that I loved him.  My bangs are still a little shorter than the rest of my hair, from him grasping it in his sleep, pulling it out, as an infant dreaming.

And those are good thoughts.

So… Happy Mommy’s Day to all the good mommy’s out there.  I’m going to spend the rest of my evening cuddled on the couch with a movie Lars picked up for me today.  I'm so very lucky to have him.