Forever Tainted

It's been a week and a day now Tareq.  My heart still aches at the void born to humanity at your passing. I think of you constantly, perhaps just a little bit more than I did while you were still breathing. You were always in my heart. Your  name ran across my lips so often that your passing was much a loss for those I work and live with, though you never met.

Each encounter we ever had was like yesterday. I was shocked to read through our old emails and realize its been almost a year since we'd had a real chat of sorts. I thought it was just recently we were planning to meet at the Sun Run but a closer look proves those were last years plans, that fell through. The Sun Run is around the corner again and I missed you. I have learned from this.

I have reached out to those I love and let them know it, and I've made a promise to myself that I'll keep on doing so and more frequently. I want to leave each encounter knowing I was there, engaged, loving each breath with my company as you lived and loved each and every one of yours. I have tried to enter each encounter this week with love in mind and upon my lips.  It is my intention to forever now do so.

I've taken steps towards all those things you encouraged me (and so many others) to do. I have submitted my application form to volunteer  with the Suicide Awareness for Youth. Training starts this fall. I've contacted our Saanich Emergency Response. I am waiting a reply on how to get involved. I called Red Cross Canada and will volunteer with them as well.  

In yoga, this past week, I have accomplished things I did not want and would not have tried without you in mind. I'm thankful I did.

Your lessons weren't taught in vain, old friend. I am just one person. There are hundreds if not thousands you've  touched, each of whom you've encouraged to be a better person in some way.  How many of us have taken those first steps, only since you left us? How long might we have waited, if you were still here to be brilliant for us? Perhaps we'd end up taking our own last breath without allowing ourselves the opportunity to make ourselves just a little bit greater too? Without your life, without your death, we may not have ever known we had it in us to reflect even a little bit of you. Thank you. Thank you Tareq, for you and for all that you've given me and others. We will carry you with us always.

I talked to my best friend on earth yesterday morning. Right now, she is in Kuwait. I should be in Kuwait, or she should be here. I miss her terribly. She’s not doing well. In fact, she’s recovering from attempting to slash her wrists last Thursday. I won’t go into details except to say I know all too well where she’s at and she does not deserve this and cannot help but feel I am at least partially to blame.

With that being said, I wonder if I’m in a much better place myself right now? My meditation is certainly doing me some good. But I am losing motivation to do it on a daily basis and I have no motivation to exercise or do anything else. In fact, I spend most of my time worrying about money and how the hell I can turn what little I have into enough to feel secure.

I can feel my depression seeping in again in the form of boredom, sincere indifference to most general aspects of my day-to-day life, and the unnerving discontent with my life in general. Sure the meditation is helping me cope with difficult situations, but it doesn’t change my personal core values at all. I’ve come to realize I want change. Big change.

I’m angry with unresolved issues and the anger is festering into deep feelings of hate and absolute disrespect. It shouldn’t be like that.

I don’t want to confront it again because I’ve done so already (albeit, in anger) and have pretty much been brushed off and ignored. I know pushing it further will do me no good. So I will lump it and live with it, in silence. At least until I’m in a better place.

I need to be in a place where I am in control of my own security. How to get there, is the problem… Where to find the focus and the time, when I really have no options but to spend every waking hour working towards and worrying about someone else’s?

Today is my first of 3 days off work this weekend. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have this overwhelming urge to go back to bed and just cry myself to sleep until Lars comes home to hug me.

Instead, I’ll try and fester the energy to go down to the gym and walk or run all this negative energy off.

At times like this, I really wish I were in Kuwait. Or my best friend was here.

I’ve been thinking a whole lot about what it is I really want to do with myself. For the majority of my life, I’ve known what I don’t want as opposed to what I do want.

I don’t want to live in poverty.
I don’t want to be disliked.
I don’t want to jeopardize my personal integrity.
I don’t want to be useless, incompetent or stupid.
I don’t want to be without financial security.
I don’t want to be around negative people.
I don’t want to feel crappy about myself, my body, my mind…

The list goes on and on. But ask me what I do want, and the opposite of any of those statements isn’t found in the furthest reach of my mind. I think I’ve realized why that is. My wants are consistently changing from moment to moment, depending on my surroundings, my thoughts and feelings during that very moment.

Yesterday, I found great pleasure in spice blends I create in my own kitchen, and I recall thinking and telling Lars, “I want to open a spice blend business”. My Italian spice mixes, my Arabic spice mixes, my Indian Masala, are all fantastic blends! I’m talented in the kitchen, and I could flourish there. I even spent a little time looking up the legalities to such a business in BC, online.

Today, that’s the last thing I want to do. Today, I want to own property and rent it out. I want my income to be based on that. Today’s desire is a more consistent want. I have always wanted to own large amounts of property and to rent each one out. Every time things go to complete hell, or feel like they’re going to complete hell financially – that’s where my ‘wants’ wander. Today is no different.

There is nothing I want more than to buy buildings… and perhaps sell spices, jewelry or paintings as a hobby while I collect rental income.

Today has been trying on my patience, my acceptance, my calm, and everything else I’ve been working towards lately. I have some major worrisome issues pending that are sincerely stressing me out at my core. When things are not in my control, I do not cope well. This is especially true when I have so much faith ahead of time, and perhaps delusions of control that I give my word to someone only to later learn that I cannot keep my promise.

I believe today is meant to be a test and how I choose to cope with and react to the events will help sculpt the path to my future in an either positive or negative way. I want the effects to be positive… But I think I’m going to just get drunk – because that’s everything I feel like doing right now. Whether or not that's positive I do not know. But it's what I feel I need. I work at 7:30am, so I better start drinking now.

Nunnight all.

I’m not angry anymore about that stupid bitch. She’ll get hers, one day.

My brother and his girlfriend (the soon to be parents of Lars and my newest niece or nephew) came by for dinner tonight. Jesse called his father who insisted on talking to me, and then informed me that my aunt Patty has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has been given two years to live.

I’m just learning to deal with the stress with the everyday things like my job and my health for fucks sakes… I’m trying really hard not to make this about me, but fuck is it ever hard. Either I’m just selfish like that, or life really does need to throw me one goddamn lemon after another… But tonight… Tonight I’m making lemonade.

Jesse and Rachel are off buying an Ice Cream cake. I’ve asked them to make sure it says something lovely about the woman we could all live without. We’re going to eat that bitch sister of mine in some nasty way like we ate my grandmother a few weeks back.

And then next weekend, we’ll go show Patty some love over dinner.

My horoscope for 2012 says this year I’ll be hard to deal with. Maybe it has something to do with this year throwing more shit at me than I want to bother with. Or maybe, that’s just the stress still talking.

I finally got a response from the lawyer today. It didn’t come without pulling teeth though. Here’s how the conversation goes:

~*~

“Hello ***,
This is my 4th email to you about the status of my mother’s estate and whether or not Sheila’s refusal has had an effect on the same. There are two other beneficiaries here that are interested in the outcome who are looking to me for an answer. Are we going to get a cheque soon from my mom’s estate?
Martin and I are now questioning whether or not we wish to use you as legal counsel in the future as you are simply ignoring my request for an update. This is not what we look for in a lawyer at all.
As the legal executor of my mom’s estate, you have the right to charge us, but legally we question whether or not you have the right to ignore us when we have been as cooperative as we can about the entire situation.
If you could please update us as soon as possible on the same, we would appreciate the same much. We understand how frustrating it can be to deal with Sheila, but it is still not our fault.
Thanking you in advance for a response,
***”

~*~

“Hi ***, I sincerely apologize for not getting back to you. I spoke with (insert name of nasty former fireman who is fucking my sister and thus thinks it’s his business to get involved) last month and he indicated that Sheila is not prepared to waive a formal accounting of the estate, as they feel I acted inappropriately in selling the trailers to Martin. I have given a lot of thought to how to proceed. A formal application to the court to approve the estate administration may be inevitable given Sheila’s refusal. However, I will be speaking to (insert name of very expensive lawyer) on Monday about this to see if there are any alternatives and will report back to you after our call.
***”

~*~

“Thanks for the reply ***,
Is it safe for me to assume (and to tell others) that we are not going to get any money from my mom's estate, due to Sheila's refusal?”

~*~

“Hi ***, we will try to have the cost of the court application paid out of Sheila’s share, but it is possible that everyone’s share will be reduced.
***”
~*~

That fucking bitch and that dirty fat old bastard that’s fucking her, has issues with the executor selling my father the trailers for a thousand dollars after the appraisal came back and literally said they were worth nothing and should be recycled at the nearest dump. Do they really think they are going to get anywhere with this?

They’re not. Nope.

Just one more way that bitch can piss away any bits of remaining cash from my mom’s estate. It’s not bad enough she’s single-handedly forced us to spends thousands upon thousands of dollars on lawyers we would not otherwise need or want. But now, she has to deplete the little bit that’s less with an illogical refusal to end it all.

Some people truly are a waste of fucking air and should not have been born in the first place. This fucking cunt is the reason abortion should not only be legalized but FORCED upon some people. If my mom knew upon conception what Sheila would turn out to be and to do, there’s not a doubt in my mind she’d have aborted that fetus herself with a fucking hanger had she no other choice.

Sheila Fouchier (and all those dirty bastards who Google her name from time to time, know all you need to know about her is said in the next 7 words) you are a waste of human life.

At 7:27am my son gave me a missed call this morning. I called him back right away and he answered. He sounded miserable. The most I got out of him was a ‘fine’. When I asked him why he seemed so down, he said he was tired and when he told me he loved me, he mumbled so that his words were almost inaudible. It would have been 7:27pm his time, so I suppose him being tired makes sense.

Trish explained that she’s seen the same thing with her young daughter as she talks to her dad on the phone. She’ll sound like dooms approaching, then hangs up and skips away merrily. I’m glad she shared this, as it makes me feel a little more like everything is as it should be and everything will turn out just how it’s meant to be – and I know in the end that will bring my baby boy to me. He wasn’t miserable to talk to me, just doing what a kid does on the phone. I just need to be patient is all.

As Lars mentioned earlier, it was lovely to hear his voice anyway. His dad has promised to send me photos by email soon too. I can’t wait.

My father left this morning for Ontario again. He’s gone for 7 – 10 days (with luck). On the 17th, Lars and I have the ‘Something like Christmas Dinner’ with Lars family in Langley and from there, I’m off to Squamish for a week of work – coming home just in time for Christmas. Lars will be coming with me to Squamish, if my dad’s back by then.

We’ve been having lots of fun getting ready for Christmas around here. The tree is up (and lopsided the way I like it), and there are gifts under it, in the closet and then others hiding from each of us in places unknown. Though with Lars giving me diamonds last week, I can’t imagine what in the world there still is hiding…

It’ll be a busy little while around here. In the meantime, I really need all of you who reached out to me after that last entry to know that I appreciate you. Thank you. Your kind words really did do me some good – they did matter. <3

I find myself browsing the UAE classifieds looking for potential positions and feel my eyes swell up with tears, my throat tighten and my stomach turn itself inside out until there’s a hollow tugging pull in all directions. I am terrified of that place. I’m terrified of what it once made me and has the potential to make me again. I’m terrified of how dangerous it really is, with its ass backwards laws and consequences and unexplained actions. I half fear that customs will grab me at the airport as I enter for some unknown, unseen crime I’ve committed (or even just been accused of committing) and been charged with in absence, without ever being made aware of it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a real hard place right now.

It’s literally been months since I’ve spoken to my son. No one ever answers any of the telephone numbers I have for him and his father is useless at encouraging him to call me. After a night of dreaming about my baby boy being in my arms again, I woke this morning knowing I’ve about had enough of this.

Sometimes I curse my own morals and the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t kidnap him and somehow bring him home with me.

I called Dubai Police. It took four or five different telephone numbers I’d found online before I finally found one that didn’t just ring and ring. The man who answered was kind and gentle, but about as useless as I recall the majority of the UAE population to be. He told me to contact the UAE Embassy in Ottawa as they should help me. I explained I have tried to contact the UAE Embassy in Canada multiple times in the past for various reasons and I am never able to get through (as like most government offices in UAE, no one answers their Embassy phone here, either). He asked me to hold then came back with a local Dubai telephone number for me. After making me take it down, he explained it was the Canadian Consulate’s number in Dubai. They should help me. Of course, I’d have to wait until their tomorrow morning, or our current evening, to get an answer.

So I called the Canadian Consulate this evening. The man who answered the phone spoke with a thick Arabic accent and was so rude I called him out on it. He transferred me to a kind lady, who again couldn’t help me at all. Apparently, the only way I can get the UAE authorities to look into this, is to go back to the UAE myself and file a complaint with Dubai Courts. The only other possible option I have is to somehow give someone who is there, who is willing and able to help me fight for this, power or attorney. Of course, to give power or attorney to someone there, I have to do it in the UAE Embassy in Ottawa – or go to the UAE again.

Dealing with this country is spinning round and round, as fast as you can, in place. You don’t get anywhere and every now and then you find yourself so fucking dizzy you are left with a combination of severe pain and nausea.

So for now, I think I’m going to tuck myself into bed where I’ll cry myself to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow and hope being this far from my baby is less hard on me, than it is every other day. And I know it won’t be. So I’ll hope that the days will pass quickly and soon he’ll be old enough to come to me on his own, that he chooses to, and that when he does, he forgives me the choices I’d had to make that have kept us apart for so long.

Lars and I aren’t at each other’s throats… but we’re nor at each other’s hearts either these days. We’re lukewarm, at best. Today while we were out shopping I snapped at him – I was on the verge of making one of those public scenes I hate so very much (and should probably be very thankful that he didn’t let it escalate but instead just stayed quiet). He was busy admiring the Dyson fans and I wanted his opinion on hangers (or maybe I was indirectly asking if I should bother buying them for myself, as he might just be as observant to realize they were something I really needed and want and may already be waiting under the tree for me?) The shopping trip wasn’t about him or me. I was going out to pick up gifts for the people in Squamish so they’ll be ready to go with me tomorrow.

I wasn’t looking at things for us (I’m pretty sure we’ve both already been spoiled for Christmas). I restrained myself from looking at things I really wanted. I felt annoyed and betrayed that he spent so much time on his own interests (like I didn’t notice the movie he had hinted he’d like to find under the tree at the store just before) – even if it does feel like it was just a few minutes looking at one fan to him, it felt like all day for me, waiting by those stupid hangers for a response. It’s not really the time of year for us to be thinking about ‘me’ at all and I would have normally just bought them for myself without blinking, but I don’t dare now, as it’s Christmas time and just maybe they’ve already been purchased. And now, we should be looking out for others. Today, Lars and my trip was meant to be about others… But it’s more than that…

I know how hypocritical this may sound. But I wasn't dwelling on, investigating or trying to spend any time on the stupid hangers - I just happened to notice something I think we need and didn't know if I should purchase them or if they've already been purchased for me. Lars was looking and learning about things for him. Earlier, I'd found lost him in the damn movie store as he was looking at (and eventually hinting at) movies he was interested in.

Our relationship feels dry right now. It has for a few days now. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s been longer than that and I’ve just pushed it under the carpets. I love him. I know he loves me. And our chances are higher than most who run off and get married these days, as it’s real…. But is this the dry, uninterested, taking-each-other for granted place couples find themselves in when they are so comfortable it doesn’t matter? He doesn’t make himself ‘pretty’ for me these days. I try to keep myself pretty for him. Maybe he doesn’t see it anymore? We aren’t as intimate as I want to be… I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just the time of year. Last year, this time, Lars and I almost broke…

Perhaps I just need to wait and see… In the meantime, it’s important I recognize and those around me (Lars) realize… I’m just not feeling it right now.

I’m leaving for Squamish tomorrow. I will miss you and I hope when I come home, things feel a whole lot better (for us both – as I’m sure if I’m feeling something’s off, so are you!).

I’m not really sure how I’m best to react to your Facebook friend request. I don’t know where it has come from or why you’ve decided you’d finally like to be a part of my life. We haven’t spoken in 17 years. I am very angry at you – more so since my mom died. I’m a grown enough person that I know I can let go of my anger eventually. What concerns me more is whether or not you’ll ever be able to accept how justified my anger towards you is. It really doesn’t matter whether you do or don’t; it’s more that I don’t have room in my life for negativity of any sort – and don’t have the energy even bother if you won’t be able to accept me for all that I am including my feelings towards you. I don’t want to bother, if being me will be met with negativity from you.

I am a grown woman. I’m pretty content with my life the way it is. But that really hasn’t always been the case – and I blame you for a lot of it. I have a father. His name is Martin. He has supported me emotionally for the majority of my life. He is the only person I have ever and will ever know as a father.

I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. To be blunt, I can be a fucking bitch and I’ve said some really nasty things about you because I feel some really nasty things towards you. I won’t ever take them back. I won’t ever be sorry for the way I feel or the things I have said. As far as I’m concerned you deserved them.

What I can do is leave the past, the person you were to my mother and the person you weren’t to me, in the past. And if you’re willing to accept me for who and what I am today – even if that hasn’t always been the most flattering person for you, I can try to accept you for who and what you are today. I will welcome your entrance in my life as I would any long lost relative. If you’re not willing to accept me and my feelings towards you, I have no interest in being your friend – not on Facebook or elsewhere, and I would appreciate it much if you didn’t even bother to reply to this email.

I gave Lars a greeting card tonight. It said, “I want to grow old and disgusting with you.” I’m pretty sure he feels the same and for that I’m pretty lucky. There’s another in the stack, waiting for the right time for me to hand it over. Perhaps, just maybe… I’ll hand it over once he’s had a chance to read and absorb these thoughts of mine.



I lost the true love of my life when I was a teenager. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve written about him & our fairytale-like tragedy. I cannot, until today, forget the man he was, who he made me, and who he became without me, and I without him.

I never thought I’d find a man who’d take his place. And I haven’t. My true love is out there somewhere... And he can go fuck himself. I’ve found someone that means so much more. I found someone whom I know would not let anything, nothing at all get between us. I found a man who might just possibly love me more than I do him (as if that were possible!). I found a man who will fight for me. I found a man I can depend on, without a doubt. I found a man who knows everything about me, and truly loves me still. I found a man who is secure enough in us, that I can be totally honest with him about everything. I found a man I may not always agree with, but love him for him just the same. I found a man that is not my ideal or true love, but my absolute soul mate. I found my match.

Leah… I know you once thought he was your man. He wasn’t. Your man is still out there – only you won’t find him if you don’t stop dwelling on mine, as if he were ever really meant to be with you. You really do need to move on now.

Lars arrived home from Manitoba last night. He’s not allowed to go again any time soon. We missed him far too much around here.

With my mom’s estate issues coming to an end, Lars, my father and I are all planning the future now. We’re taking steps towards Lars & my wedding, me building a home (shhh!), and Lars and I either having or adopting children. At 30 years old, I look and feel better than I have in my entire life. I’m surrounded by more love than I’ve ever known. I am so incredibly blessed. If 2012 is the end of the world, I’d want just one last hug from my son, and I’d be pretty much alright with that.

Every morning you wake up fresh. Whole new sets of decisions are presented to you, because each morning is the first morning of the rest of your life. It dawned on me today, how profoundly true that is.

I’ve come to a place in my life where I realize can choose my fate. I don’t mean that like some godless atheist who thinks they can predict the future, their time of death, or is immortal, but rather, I understand clearly how my actions today will create my tomorrow. I choose to be happy. To be happy, I need to surround myself with people who make me smile. I need to do things I take pleasure in. I need to find what makes me feel physically and mentally happy and I need to use that information to take care of my body, my spirit and my mind because when I’m taken care of, I feel good. I choose to love and be loved – because that makes me happy. I choose to accept my mistakes and embrace lessons as they are presented to me because this makes me grow, and growing, understanding also makes me happy.

When the Whore of Lucifer was just 13 years old, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Anastasia was born on Aug 20th, 1992. With the encouragement of my mom, the stupid cunt being no more suitable a mother 20 years ago than she is today, gave her baby up for adoption. Anastasia found us on Sept 27, 2011. I believe her biological mother Sheila has not succeeded in offering another person on earth a single good thing, but brought only pure evil to this planet and we who inhabit it. Having served no real purpose to anything or anyone, I believe she should douse herself gasoline and light a fucking match. But perhaps I’d missed something. Perhaps Anastasia is the positive purpose of Sheila’s otherwise wasted life? Whatever she is, we will embrace her as a part of our family. We love her already. We will care for her and support her as best we can. And we have 20 years to catch up on.

As I grow up, become more positive, more content, and so much closer to being completely happy, my family is growing. I can’t help but feel perhaps I just didn’t have enough love in the past for me, let alone for others. And now that I do, they’re all migrating towards me. When my mom died, I felt I could count on one hand the number of people I had to fall back on, the number of family members. In fact, I felt like I really only had my step-father and my brother.

Then I found Lars. And with Lars came a family full of love. Each and every one of his family members has done all they can to embrace me and mine as one of their own. They love us. They teach us to love more openly. They are there if we fall – and they’ve made sure I know that includes me too. Lars and I are beginning to plan our wedding now. We’ve been looking into renting a castle for the ceremony, and we’ve asked the greatest hippy we know to marry us. We’ve talked about children too, and have tossed around the idea of adopting, actually – but that is for another entry.

Then I found my brother and sisters. Renee came out with her boys and suddenly I felt a little more whole. Renee and I hit it off right away. For two people who lived such different lives, and who are such different people, we sure do have a lot in common; share a lot of ideals. I love her to death and regret not knowing of her sooner. I’ve yet to meet Brandy, Amanda or Adam and though I can’t wait to meet Brandy and Adam, I’m not so sure about Amanda. She has refused to talk to me at all making clear she doesn’t want or need another sister. She has hardly said a word to me in the months since I added her to my facebook and have reached out to get to know everyone. But then recently, she doesn’t hesitate to give me her address (without a pleasantry, a ‘thank you for thinking of us’ or ‘hello’ even) when I mention my I’m preparing my Christmas list. I can’t help but wonder how much positive energy there is to be found there. I’m starting to think maybe there’s not enough for her, let alone enough for her to share with others. Some people choose to be miserable – and though they blame the whole world for being at fault, they’ve chosen to take those steps that minimize the size of their world – the amount of their happiness, the love they let in. I know that way of life all too well, as I lived it for way too long. I can live without that in my life now. Though I do hope to one day meet her son and my biological nephew Kolton, one day. I have patience.

We had Thanksgiving dinner tonight. My brother, his new lady, her father and brother (who happen to be our neighbors, we'd never met until tonight) all joined Martin and I. It was a fantastic evening, though would have been even better if Lars was closer, especially as today is his birthday. He’s in Manitoba again, falling trees. I miss him a whole lot and cannot wait until he gets home again.

Anyway, it’s been way too long since I shared my thoughts here – and as such, I've rambled on and on and on when all I really wanted to share is, it really is up to you, your happiness. Forgive the long delays between posts. Turns out when you choose to start living life, there’s not a lot of room for much else (at least until you learn to organize your time a little better!!!)!

~*~

~*~

And though my free time may be minimal, the time Lars and I have together is well worth it.  We enjoy our tea-time together.  We’re pretty content around here.

~*~

I’ll wait for you there, like a stone.

I’ll wait for you there… alone.