Forever Tainted

It wasn’t long ago that the word ‘meditate’ induced images of fat Buddhist men sitting in absolute stillness and silence on some beach somewhere ignoring everything around them. Sitting still with your eyes closed is about all I understood it to be, and how fucking boring is that? Now that I understand it a little better, there is absolutely nothing boring about meditating at all. In fact, meditation is a challenge, a struggle, a lesson in the art of doing nothing.

As you silence your body’s motions, your mind tends to scream louder. Meditation is the art of silencing the body and the mind, recognizing your thoughts as they come and letting them go each time you realize your mind is wandering. Meditation is being in your body as a true observer of what’s happening to it, while you live in it without trying to change it.

The results, I’m finding of consistent, daily meditation is a calmer nature, less insomnia (in fact I haven’t had to take a sleeping pill since I started), and greater tolerance for pain and discomfort (both emotional and physical). And of course, I’m finding it far easier to tolerate, accept and embrace stressful situations.

I figured since I’ve been going on about it for a while now, I might as well give those of you who view meditation the same way I did up until recently, a little insight as to what it really means to meditate (to me). For more clinical information on meditation, see Wikipedia here.

~*~

The Ali Tattoo… With my recent blog makeover I included the henna-inspired tattoo I drew for my son. I drew the floral borders first by hand, and then in Illustrator. I intend to expand on it a fair bit before the next tattoo date, on March 3rd. What you see here and now will soon frame my shoulder and stretch down my arm.

~*~

We have finally filed our taxes. I’ve renewed my car insurance for the next year. I filled out the organ donor form, and Lars’ is waiting for his signature. Things are feeling pretty complete these days.

I forgot to set the timer on the TV last night, so I woke up this morning to the sound of a really annoying pro-HST commercial. Here:


Stickman: HST and PST+GST Rally from HSTinBC on Vimeo.

What annoys me most about this is how stupid our government thinks we are, and how so many of us are bound to prove them right with this upcoming election. We’ll do this by voting to keep the HST either because we sincerely believe that the 10% HST promised to us in 3 years time (like the government never breaks its promises) really is cheaper on us, or we’re greedy business owners who will now get a higher tax credit at the cost of our very own customers, or simply because the confusing way in which this election is being worded.

Vote YES to get rid of the HST and go back to the GST & PST.

Vote NO to keep the HST at 12% with a promise of lowering it to 10% in 3 years time, which still applies to more products and services than the GST & PST ever did.

What this commercial fails to tell you is that HST applies to up to 60% more services and products than GST or PST alone and is also applied to purchases that had no tax at all in the past.






The big financial benefits for HST in BC go to big and moderate sized companies who get to write off their HST and get a bigger tax back credit at their year-ends. How many average sized families in BC, do you figure get to write off their expenses in order to get tax back each year? There are slight benefits of HST that go to Accountants and Bookkeepers as having one tax over two simplifies their job and gives them the satisfaction of telling their clients about the large tax refund they should expect each year.

“It’s the one issue that most observers can agree on. The HST is good for most businesses, especially for big and medium businesses. The independent review concluded that consumers this year were paying $1.33-billion more in sales taxes, after rebates and tax breaks, and business is paying $730-million less.
The HST reduces the cost of production and simplifies bookkeeping. With the provincial sales tax, business paid tax on goods and services used in each stage of production, a tax upon the tax. But under the HST, the tax is applied only when the goods are sold, or the services provided, to the consumer.
The HST has been endorsed by several businesses and business organizations, from the Business Council of B.C., which represents companies accounting for 25 per cent of all jobs in the province, to the B.C. Guide Outfitters Association.
Not all businesses benefit. Smaller enterprises and service-based companies that were not previously subject to sales tax take a hit. But many smaller businesses are agile and adjust quickly to changing circumstances. After a year of HST, small businesses may be reluctant to go back to the time-consuming bookkeeping required by the PST. “

The rationalization that the HST promises to help our economy by making it more profitable for business is not factual, but it’s hopeful predictions.

“It may take years to find out whether HST provided a boost to the economy.”

”After 2014, the HST may bring in less than the PST. Without an increase in economic growth, the HST would be cutting a big hole in government budgets, roughly $3-billion over the following five years. In other words, the reduction in the HST rate to 10 per cent could make a significant dent in provincial budgets for years. The government would be financially better off by bringing back the provincial sales tax.”

Quotes taken from the 4 page Globe and Mail article here.

We all predicted the Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup this year too…

Personally, I come from a family on entrepreneurs and small business owners. I’m hoping to venture into my own business at this very moment. I’m still voting YES to scrap the HST this year, because I don’t want to personally benefit at the cost of my society or my clients. Under the old GST & PST system, you’d only have to pay 5% GST tax on most* of my web designing services. With HST, you get to pay 12% on everything now and maybe in 3 years that will be lowered to 10% (still double what voting YES, will cost you)! My write-offs and my end of year tax back cheques may be smaller, but it’s a small price to pay to help lessen our societies tendency to help the rich get richer while the poor are pushed deeper into poverty. It’s a small price for me to pay to discourage more big business from inhabiting our society and hopefully encouraging and empowering individuals to become entrepreneurs on their own –the decent, old-fashioned way, with social-conscience.

The pro-HST commercials make me nauseous. It doesn’t take a genius to know the reality of the decision our society has to make here – and our government clearly thinks far less of our intelligence levels than that. Help us prove them wrong!





*The only web designing services that must charge both GST and PST are those that include executable compute program within the site.

~*~

I was determined to never talk to you again. And if history should repeat itself, I wouldn’t. But I’ve come to realize I don’t have to be the person I was yesterday, today. And I don’t have to make the same decisions over and over. It looks to me like you’ve been learning similar lessons. You were a very good friend once and it was because of that you were able to hurt me. I forgive you that pain. And though I know you forgive me without my request, do know that I'm sorry for my reaction.

“Life leaves you tainted. So apt and true the saying.”

…the answer to getting what I want. I graduated my IGCSE’s way back in 1998 or so. Being a student in an International School in Dubai, UAE, this was the high school equivalent. I went from completing my IGCSE’s to the American University, where I studied just two semester’s of Visual Communications before leaving school behind and heading into the workforce. I didn’t want to study Visual Communications and at the time, it was pretty much that, Business or Interior Design available as accredited diploma options. I wasn’t interested in any of these.

Nonetheless, with all this education behind me and the opportunity to study whatever the hell I want now; that ‘whatever the hell’ being Exercise and Wellness, I need to first be able to answer questions like, ’ One factor of a² -8a +12 is…’ to even be admitted. I have long since forgotten the methods to such equations and for the life of me I do not know the answer (or even how to go about getting it). All the math I do these days is calculated with either an electronic device or some sort of computer program. I do very little actual mathematical thinking.

So, I’m going back to school – and I mean high school, at least for Math 11 & 12, Biology 12 and maybe some English recaps (because lord knows I don’t know how to read or write). Of course, I’ll take these courses online. I have an orientation meeting on Jan 6th with an advisor about how to best reach my goals prior to my actual fulltime college classes starting on campus in September 2011. The idea of all this learning is exciting to me. I really must be a geek at heart!

But last night, Jod’s and I looked at some of these prep questions from the assessment test and laughed our asses off about how much we’ve forgotten and how little we seem to know now. It’s true that in many aspects of real life, you really don’t need to know all the mathematical applications you’re taught in high school – and many teens will probably grow to forget the majority of what they’re forced to learn. Like myself, they won’t even realize it. It’s suckers like me that decide more than a decade down the road we want a career with scientific edge to it; suckers like me that end up having to go back and re-learn this stuff.

It’s a good thing I love to learn.

Monday of this week was by far the worst workday of my entire professional life. From the moment ‘I got into the office’ (I don’t actually physically go into my office, I remote in from home) until the moment I left it seemed my boss was kicking my ass. Add to that multiple technical issues and system malfunctions and the day chopped up to pure hell. The rest of this week has followed the same suit. My stress levels are through the roof and it seems in my history with this company, they get that way once or twice a year. Stress is causing me to be careless, to miss the obvious and to offer below-personal-standard results to any task. I am making way too many mistakes and right now and as a result of which I do not feel as though I’m any good at what I do. Feeling like this, only encourages more mistakes and negativity, and it’s a viscous cycle…

Now I’m not a big, ’follow-the-signs’ type person, but I can’t help but think these are the signs I should be listening to when it comes to making a decision about going back to school. In fact, I can’t help but think I’ve made up my mind and if it’s at all possible, I’m going. Now, to get my academic records from Dubai is where the problem is…

Despite all the bad that seems to be, there’s a been a lot of good as well… Last night while at work Lars came into my home office and handed me a card, signed by the dog. All it said inside was, “You have to go pee.” Call it coincidence, or call it whatever you will, but it was time for a bathroom break and coffee refill. I punched out of rotation and made my way to the bathroom, stopping for a long hug along the way. In his arms, he turned my face towards the door and my new elliptical. I shrieked with pure joy.

This man stops at nothing to please me. He has moments of stubborn arrogance and ego, but so do I. And knowing that, I do believe I’m the luckiest girl on earth with the man who was built just for me.

I woke up this morning and logged onto Facebook. Staring me in the face was this status, ‘Ask yourself, what would you love to do and then do it. R.I.P. John Lennon.’

The timing is impeccable, as lately, I’ve been asking myself what it is I love and whether or not I should be making some major life changes. For a long time I wasn’t able to answer a question like, ‘What do I like,’ or ‘What makes me happy.’ My answers were always something along the line of, ‘I can’t tell you want I want or love, but I can tell you what I don’t want or don’t love.’ Times are changing, evolving and so am I. I’ve learned I love endorphins. I love physical activity (once I get into the routine). I love working out at the gym. I’ve learned I love to laugh. I love comedy. I enjoy good, wholehearted company. I’ve learned I love people and I’ve learned I love to learn.

So I’m thinking about going back to school. To be precise, I’ve been thinking about going back to college to get a degree in Exercise & Wellness. It would mean becoming a full-time student for two years. It would cost around $8000. I would have to take a student loan, and I would have to either leave my job or reduce my hours to part-time. But in the end, I would come out with a degree in something I love, a stepping-stone to further education if I want it, a potential career as a personal trainer or something along those lines and a healthier, possibly happier me.

I’m scared of change though. And this is a big one. Perhaps it’s a leap of faith in me that I have to take?

How life gets in the way of the things we want to do…

Last night after work (both my work here in my office, and Lars’ evening work on the suite) we cuddled up and listened to his voice-mail together. We couldn’t change his number without losing them, so just in case there was something important in the mess we decided it better to do first. Finding the time to bother with the dribble was the hard part; but last night it was finally done. 17 000 messages from the ex, accusing him/us of stealing his dog and begging for him to call – promising she wasn’t going to stop calling until he answers her (pathetic), 2 or 3 messages from debt collections agencies asking FOR HER (disgusting, but not surprising), and one call from the RCMP about the dog (ridiculous).

The cop sounded annoyed that his time was being wasted on this, and actually said he really didn’t care, but the ex girlfriend claimed to be worried about the safety of the dog, so if we have M, to please give him a call and let him know that he’s safe. We’re not calling. And there’s fuck all that bitch or the RCMP can do about that. Your accusations, they’re a civil matter bitch. The RCMP can’t do anything for you – aside from try to appease you by making a phone call. It’s my legal right to ignore that message and you, cunt. Stop wasting my tax dollars by abusing the use of our police force (you spend enough of my money, being the ungrateful welfare bum that you are)!

His number has now been changed and that chapter of his life is done with. Though I’m certain, we’ll all exhale when we know she’s no longer on Canadian soil, leaching off our system. Never in my life have I come across such a delusional psychotic being.

~*~

I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about her feeble attempts at insulting me. Things like, ”If I’m a bad mom for leaving my 2 & 3 year-old children at home all alone where they might accidentally kill themselves, what about you for leaving the country your child is in?!” The concept of ‘It’s ok to be crappy because in my perspective I think others are shitty too’, is beyond me.

For the record, I’m not a bad mom and I’m ok with the decisions I’ve made regarding my son. By all means, I WAS a shitty, neglectful mother that couldn’t handle it even with maids and all sorts of help. I had trouble engaging my son in play, and spending any sort of quality time with him. I was too sick to make it to school functions. And though I wanted to spend every moment with him, I didn’t have the energy to do anything while he was around. It took five years but, I was finally able to see what a bad influence I was on my young sons life, and that is exactly why I made the choices I did – the best choices possible for both him and I – no matter how badly it hurt. My son is in fantastic care, with his father (who loves him very much), and other family who wouldn’t dare have left him alone for a minute when he was a toddler. He carries his own cell so he and I can talk, and the minute it’s possible he and I will be together again, I’m certain.

In the meantime, when Lars and I are ready to have our own children… I know that heart and soul, I’ll be prepared for it. They won’t be locked in a back room, while I watch movies or play on the net. They won't be left alone while I leave the house for any reason. Their only language won’t be of screaming and yelling. They’ll not be fed food that kills from places like McDonalds. And they’ll be loved, so very, very loved.

Other attempted insults like, ”I’m young and you’re old…" have me almost in stitches for so very many reasons. The first being the most obvious, I’m not old. Moving on, does she somehow suppose that she is the only person on earth that will somehow fight time, and stay forever young? Or is she really trying to turn into an insult something that she will evidently have to become? Does she view today, her tomorrow as an insult? ”Youth is wasted on the young.” God it must suck to see the world through her eyes. If getting back a decade meant I’d have to see the world as she does, I sure as fuck wouldn’t take those years back for the world!

Anyway, I’ve gone on for a rather long time about this… I think I’ll head on over to our new suite and see if there’s anything I can do. If not, maybe we’ll head out for a walk, or I’ll just curl back up in bed before I go into work this afternoon. It's a beautiful day... But I kinda feel like spending it in bed.

From the moment we wake till the time we go to bed it seems Lars and I are on the move, doing something. All of it seems split between working our day jobs and working on the suite. It equates to two very, VERY exhausted people by the end of the day.

After another trip to Home Depot today, my father calculated his total spending on the renovations so far to be around 6 thousand dollars. Hopefully, we won’t spend more than a few thousand more, max. It seems like a ridiculous amount to spend on the basement suite and today, when we picked out a sleek granite counter-top for the bathroom, I didn’t have to wonder why. I feel guilty for it, even though he insisted, not caring about the price.

I’m lucky I come from a very generous family. For the most part, we help each other out when we can. Together, we put money towards household bills, like mortgage payments, food, electricity, etc and together we share most of the household work. Though this doesn’t really apply to my brother, however I’ll get to that in a minute. I imagine this is a slightly strange environment for Lars to move into, though he fits in well and his actions show he agrees it is a healthy way of living.

It seems the Western culture is pretty much the only one where families don’t grow to be conditioned to work as single unit, but instead live under a firm belief system that as the children near adulthood they must move out and fend for their own, and senior citizens often go to care homes before their offspring will take them in. I’m not certain there’s any real benefit to this tradition and personally, perhaps after so long in the Middle East, I can see many flaws in it… though we’ll save that conversation for another day as it’s not really what’s on my mind

On my mind today is the length of the days, how much work there is to be done, and how hard everyone is working, excepting my teen-like adult brother, who instead just sits at his computer all day and night playing games, works the occasional single day job at Labourers Unlimited, drinks obsessively, keeps a filthy bedroom, has no respect for noise levels in the middle of the night while fighting with his long distance girlfriend over the phone or simply getting over-excited over his game-speak, while contributing less than the least possible expected to the work, nor the finances of the household. None of us know what to do with or about him anymore.

We try to bring these things to his attention and he gets defensive, even abusive. He won’t grow up. He won’t learn to fend for himself but instead is consistently looking for the next free ride to cling on to. If it weren’t us, it’d be his sister or his biological father. He can’t keep a job longer than a few months and has little to no self-respect, let alone respect for anyone else. He doesn’t take part in any of our discussions, as he’s too busy in his room at the computer, on the phone or drinking his beer. He doesn’t help out with the chores other than maybe clean up his own dishes every now and then. He takes no interest in our future as a family, any of our projects, whether they are house renovations or future business proposals.

And none of us have the heart to kick him out and force him to learn through tough love giving him the opportunity to make it or break it, because well… there is a higher chance of him breaking it then making it. And we’d never be able to forgive ourselves should something happen to him. He was my mom’s last child and only son. She always spoiled him rotten, never allowing anyone to chastise him and is perhaps solely responsible for the complete ‘fail’ he is today.

I know if he were to read this he would object, perhaps with a lot of anger and aggression, ’I paid this much here, and that much there. I clean the dishes. I had this reason or that reason to quit my job or was unfairly dismissed/laid-off. You’re a fucking bitch!’ And a big part of me thinks, maybe he should read this. Maybe it’d force some reality into him about what he is, how much of a burden he really is on us by simply refusing to be any part of this family unit while expecting to have electricity, internet, a roof over his head, a hot shower, and more while offering little to nothing but disrespect through late night screaming matches on the phone to disregarding simple requests like, “don’t answer calls if you don’t recognise the phone number,” in return. And perhaps it’d force him to see who he really is and how much better he should be able to make of himself but chooses not to, because he never learned the life skills one needs to make it. The guy wants to be a father one day and I shudder at the idea… How can he teach any life skills when he hasn’t bothered to learn them himself?

What would he do, where would he go, if there was no one left to depend on? Mom was proof; our safety nets aren’t there forever. We have to learn to take care of ourselves. And what are we to do to help him without abandoning him or enabling him anymore?

http://unrestrictedsurf.com/surfing.php <-- Doesn't work for shit. You might want to test these things out on your own blog before trying them on the ones you really don't want people to know you're looking at.