Forever Tainted

I talked to my best friend on earth yesterday morning. Right now, she is in Kuwait. I should be in Kuwait, or she should be here. I miss her terribly. She’s not doing well. In fact, she’s recovering from attempting to slash her wrists last Thursday. I won’t go into details except to say I know all too well where she’s at and she does not deserve this and cannot help but feel I am at least partially to blame.

With that being said, I wonder if I’m in a much better place myself right now? My meditation is certainly doing me some good. But I am losing motivation to do it on a daily basis and I have no motivation to exercise or do anything else. In fact, I spend most of my time worrying about money and how the hell I can turn what little I have into enough to feel secure.

I can feel my depression seeping in again in the form of boredom, sincere indifference to most general aspects of my day-to-day life, and the unnerving discontent with my life in general. Sure the meditation is helping me cope with difficult situations, but it doesn’t change my personal core values at all. I’ve come to realize I want change. Big change.

I’m angry with unresolved issues and the anger is festering into deep feelings of hate and absolute disrespect. It shouldn’t be like that.

I don’t want to confront it again because I’ve done so already (albeit, in anger) and have pretty much been brushed off and ignored. I know pushing it further will do me no good. So I will lump it and live with it, in silence. At least until I’m in a better place.

I need to be in a place where I am in control of my own security. How to get there, is the problem… Where to find the focus and the time, when I really have no options but to spend every waking hour working towards and worrying about someone else’s?

Today is my first of 3 days off work this weekend. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have this overwhelming urge to go back to bed and just cry myself to sleep until Lars comes home to hug me.

Instead, I’ll try and fester the energy to go down to the gym and walk or run all this negative energy off.

At times like this, I really wish I were in Kuwait. Or my best friend was here.

I’ve been thinking a whole lot about what it is I really want to do with myself. For the majority of my life, I’ve known what I don’t want as opposed to what I do want.

I don’t want to live in poverty.
I don’t want to be disliked.
I don’t want to jeopardize my personal integrity.
I don’t want to be useless, incompetent or stupid.
I don’t want to be without financial security.
I don’t want to be around negative people.
I don’t want to feel crappy about myself, my body, my mind…

The list goes on and on. But ask me what I do want, and the opposite of any of those statements isn’t found in the furthest reach of my mind. I think I’ve realized why that is. My wants are consistently changing from moment to moment, depending on my surroundings, my thoughts and feelings during that very moment.

Yesterday, I found great pleasure in spice blends I create in my own kitchen, and I recall thinking and telling Lars, “I want to open a spice blend business”. My Italian spice mixes, my Arabic spice mixes, my Indian Masala, are all fantastic blends! I’m talented in the kitchen, and I could flourish there. I even spent a little time looking up the legalities to such a business in BC, online.

Today, that’s the last thing I want to do. Today, I want to own property and rent it out. I want my income to be based on that. Today’s desire is a more consistent want. I have always wanted to own large amounts of property and to rent each one out. Every time things go to complete hell, or feel like they’re going to complete hell financially – that’s where my ‘wants’ wander. Today is no different.

There is nothing I want more than to buy buildings… and perhaps sell spices, jewelry or paintings as a hobby while I collect rental income.

There was what I can only assume was a multi-page rant from Amanda in my Facebook inbox today. I didn’t bother to read it. I’ve seen enough of her low jabs at Renee, and childish comments towards myself and others to know there was nothing worth my time in whatever it was she had to say. Instead of reading it, I simply replied with, “You are confusing me for someone who will bother to read what you have to say.” I then blocked her completely from my Facebook, so that this book can now be closed. I feel like I’ve spent more than enough time in my adolescent years being overdramatic to have time or space for this now.

At the inability to reply to my Facebook email and my blocking her, she made her way to my blog – for the first time ever. It looks like twice she contemplated commenting but changed her mind and left the comment section. She spent a good hour and 40 minutes here all together. All I can think is, for someone who doesn’t want me in their life at all, she sure cares a hell of a lot about my opinion of her.

Anyway, we had a new tenant move in last night.

We’ve giving him his eviction notice tonight.

While I was working today, all three of his dogs went off barking. They would not stop for hours while he was out. Lars went down to see what was up, and apparently it was our other tenants’ attempt to do laundry that set them off. I am not putting the quality of my work at jeopardy to keep a tenant. And we are not making it impossible for our other tenants of almost a year (without problems) to live their normal daily lives. We suggested bark collars and he was not happy about it. So, the 30-day eviction notice has been written up. We’ll give it to him, and let him know that we will not re-list the suite, and if he can manage his dogs over the next month we will consider starting a new tenancy agreement then. 30 days is a long time for me to put up with barking dogs while I work. Too long. We can’t run the risk of it being even a day longer.

Steaks are on for dinner and I’m hungry! I think after dinner I’m going to take an online IT course of sorts. I’ve got that ‘learning bug’ in me again, and managed to get my meditation in early this morning!

Oh how life gets in the way…

That’s one of my favorite sentences there… I use it often when I feel overwhelmed, busy and like I’ve been neglecting those chores like writing in this blog here... And now that I think about it, I’m not sure I even know what it means… but I’m sure you do. ;)

As I initiate my refresher courses from high school, I can’t help but admire all those 16, 17 year olds that know this stuff off the top of their heads. I get it. I understand it. I remember it. I process it. And a day later, I forget it. I just can’t seem to retain it. I have a feeling it’s because I know subconsciously I will never need to know how one molecule bonds with another, nor will I need to know what the name of this bond is. But blah… I’ll manage.

On the other hand, I already dislike my instructors and their training styles. I’m picky and when an educational institutions orientation course tells you proper internet etiquette is to use the smiley faces like the one at the end of my 1st paragraph here, you just know I’m going to have problems. No joke, they believe that most people are such incompetent writers they can’t express themselves clearly enough without the emoticons. This very well may be true, but should they not then be training those very writing techniques, rather than encouraging a cheap, lazy alternative? Oh how the great authors of the past are probably turning in their graves.

But whatever… When I get tired of them, I get to go to my real job where I work my ass off, all with the underlying dread of having that conversation with the bosses. I just don’t know how it’s going to go, or even what exactly I’m going to tell them. All I know for certain is I’m headed back to Squamish near the end of February, when we’ll have lunch and that conversation is due.

Aside from school and work I’ve been busy, building (or playing with rather) Chrystals.ca. Figuring out Joomla from scratch was a blast! (Read sarcasm). My Jody swears up and down by Wordpress as a content management system, so once I get a bit of time… I just might have to train myself on that instead and switch from Joomla. The truth of the matter is, I just wanted to own that domain. I have no intentions of making anything special out of it just yet.

My mom’s estate matters are slowing coming to an end, with the semi-regular emotional stab of some sort or another. Researching, writing emails, or attending meetings that the lawyer himself forgets while the whore of Lucifer and her current fling remember, inevitably turning into all out brawls, takes up a lot of my time as well.

Lars is keeping himself busy around the house and at work. We had my engagement ring sized to fit last week and as we always do, we made space for a little playtime along the way. I don’t know how I ever lived without this man – he really does complete me, even when he is having one of those days where he has to disagree with everything I have to say… And he always finds a way to make up for his bad days, with incredibly good ones. Last week, for example, he went to my nail salon and booked me an appointment without telling me. He drove me there, dropped me off and then paid the bill. He did it for no reason at all really. He said it’s because he’s proud of me, because he felt I deserved some pampering. Going on a year now and he still makes me feel like a princess. The men in my past… the Arab men who are known for their hospitality seemed to be the complete opposite of that. That’s a completely different blog post though…

We’ve found a renter for one of the basement suites and by this weekend hopefully, we’ll be completely moved out of the other (we’re well on our way now). We spend more time upstairs than we do down.

Finally, I’ve managed to lose about 9 lbs and sadly, little of it is due to exercise. I haven’t had time to jump on my elliptical, nor have I had a chance to visit the gym or even go for a run. It’s purely healthy eating. (It works! You just have to know what healthy eating really is!) We’ve had plenty of homemade truffles, Jello’s and even roasted cashews, lobster and steak. Even my father has lost about 5 lbs with my help around here. Healthy lifestyle is exactly what I’m aiming for, and the reason I’m torturing myself with sciences and mathematics again. It’s in part, exactly why I’m so fucking busy lately.

But as you can see, despite my initial claim that life is getting in the way, I’ve actually been well… living a hell of a lot of life lately; so much so, I just haven’t had a minute to get caught up here, until now.

Monday of this week was by far the worst workday of my entire professional life. From the moment ‘I got into the office’ (I don’t actually physically go into my office, I remote in from home) until the moment I left it seemed my boss was kicking my ass. Add to that multiple technical issues and system malfunctions and the day chopped up to pure hell. The rest of this week has followed the same suit. My stress levels are through the roof and it seems in my history with this company, they get that way once or twice a year. Stress is causing me to be careless, to miss the obvious and to offer below-personal-standard results to any task. I am making way too many mistakes and right now and as a result of which I do not feel as though I’m any good at what I do. Feeling like this, only encourages more mistakes and negativity, and it’s a viscous cycle…

Now I’m not a big, ’follow-the-signs’ type person, but I can’t help but think these are the signs I should be listening to when it comes to making a decision about going back to school. In fact, I can’t help but think I’ve made up my mind and if it’s at all possible, I’m going. Now, to get my academic records from Dubai is where the problem is…

Despite all the bad that seems to be, there’s a been a lot of good as well… Last night while at work Lars came into my home office and handed me a card, signed by the dog. All it said inside was, “You have to go pee.” Call it coincidence, or call it whatever you will, but it was time for a bathroom break and coffee refill. I punched out of rotation and made my way to the bathroom, stopping for a long hug along the way. In his arms, he turned my face towards the door and my new elliptical. I shrieked with pure joy.

This man stops at nothing to please me. He has moments of stubborn arrogance and ego, but so do I. And knowing that, I do believe I’m the luckiest girl on earth with the man who was built just for me.

…you want him to pay your rent, you can go fuck yourself. Here’s a little reminder as to why:

FAIL!!!

WIN!!!


And yes… I encourage bad behaviour when it’s directed at the deserving. You are deserving.

~*~

We’ve been so busy over the last little while; I’ve hardly had time to keep up with Facebook, blogging or anything else online it seems. And so very much has happened… Starting with the least entertaining, that poisonous bitch’s landlord was calling around the 1st; on two of my house phone numbers and also Lars’s cell. Apparently, the low-rent (muwahahaha, I love using her words to accurately describe her) cyber-whoring, dog-thieving, cunt ex of his told the landlord Lars would be paying her rent in full this month. In realty, everyone knows she’s simply trying to skip out on paying her last month’s rent, like the low-life, Canadian-welfare abusing, half American scumbag she is. Go back to the States already, bitch. Our country has spent enough on you. I can think of far better places my tax dollars should go.

Lars quickly put an end to the accusation that he would be responsible, reminding the landlord that he’d already absolved Lars of the lease, and directing him to those pretty little words of hers above “(…) and don’t even worry about coming. Rent will be paid in full. I don’t need you or Lars so blow me, fat whore.”

No wonder her landlord hates her. I find amazing that anyone on earth finds reason not to.

Lars made clear to the landlord that as he mentioned last month and they agreed on even further in the past, he takes no further responsibility for that cunt’s lease, and the landlord can keep his damage deposit for all the inconvenience. I don’t suppose we’ll be hearing from him again, despite her multiple threats – as realistic and scary as the military ones. *brrrrr*, just thinking of the whole Army coming to get me still sends shivers down my spine. But I digress… you can understand the poor landlord’s frustration. Fucking low-life welfare renters like her are exactly what make my father and I go nuts, which brings me smoothly to my next thought…

The renovations of Lars and my suite are coming along well. We’ve done a lot more shopping, a lot more work, some painting and some prepping. Pretty soon, we’ll be putting down the floors and calling in the electricians to make sure my office is fully rigged and secure. Funny the importance of that, when today, I gave official notice to the boss’s daughter (and secondary owner of the company) that I am actively looking for a new job. A few weeks back I decided to look for a secondary job, to bring in supplemental income (there’s this beautiful $500,000, 3.5 acre piece of land here I want to buy when it goes up for sale in a year or two), but now, I’m thinking straight-up replacement position.

I was only given a partial raise as to what I asked for. I’ve now applied for easier jobs where the starting salary is more than I am making here – after two years of service and multiple accomplishments. It breaks my heart to do this, but I have to start thinking more about me than those I love and I do love my job and the company owners and my colleagues, but right now, between the low pay, the stressful unforgiving nature of the job, and the constant stress that seems to be in the office these days, not to mention the direct insults that were swung at me yesterday though perhaps not really meant for me, I’m just about done.

There’s more going on, but I’m tired and my food just arrived.

Bullshit.

It occurred to me the other day that my mother paid into CPP (Canadian Pension Plan) her whole life. This payment isn’t a payment by choice, but by force. Employers take a percentage off every paycheck and submit to CPP (as well as a federal and provincial taxes AND employment insurance), before handing the checks over to the employee. Businesses get closed down if they fail to do this. Each payday I watch as about a quarter of the money I earned gets sent off into taxes or funds that I’ll most-likely never see again.

My mom’s dead. She doesn’t need a pension. She won’t get her CPP money back. Though she was forced to pay thousands upon thousands into this fund to ‘protect her future’ for her retirement. She won’t retire now, so you’d expect that money be returned to her estate, used to pay some of her burial fees, or even pay off her debts. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t go anywhere. The goddamned government gets to keep it.

Lovely. What's almost as lovely? She paid taxes on that CPP as she paid into it. Had she lived, and been paid a pension... She'd have to pay takes on the money CPP returns to her. Cock-sucking-robbers - taxed twice on the same funds!

The government got to murder my mother and they are robbing her for the last time. And only now, now that a drug addicted crazy man stabbed some unsuspecting 15-year-old down town, now are people standing up and saying, “HEY! BC’s neglect of the mentally instable and those with addictions (because those go hand in fucking hand assholes) is ruining lives and our society! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT IT!”

Reminds me of a cry I made years ago – around the same time my mom was threatening to annihilate strangers because her ‘six sense’ told her that they were child molesters. Assholes. If we weren’t there, my mother may have been that same god-damned murderer! If you had listened to us, this poor 15-year-old may NOT be dead today. And my mother may still be alive.

But ranting does nothing. Begging does nothing. No one fucking cares until it affects him or her personally. The god-dammed public on this side of the planet is a bunch of thoughtless, lazy, inconsiderate, pansies that are too scared of change. They need to be sheep – need to be told what to do, even if that means doing nothing at all and watching people around them die. So what, if it isn’t you or your loved one?

But blah… I wonder why I’m so pissed. Aside from the fact that its an out-fucking-rageous situation to begin with. It could be the fact that I’m PMSing. Or the fact that this morning, I decided to go red:



Redheads are supposed to have tempers, aren’t they?

It looks like the month of June is going to kick my ass. And that’s probably a good thing. July following and being the anniversary of both my mother’s birth and death, I’ll probably need the down time.

My father returns on the 1st. My boss wants me in Squamish a month ago. Conversations with her today were almost dramatic, in a good way of course. She offered to pay for one of my trips if I make two out there in June. She offered me her home while she is planned away at the cabin, if I needed a place to stay. And she offered me an advance so I can get my brakes all sorted out before I head there. She’d like me right away (like the 2nd or 3rd) then once again when her daughter goes on vacation the 3rd week of June. I was hoping to make 1 trip, mid month to cover both ends. But there’s training to be done and no one else to do it, and her daughter needs a vacation (and she so truly deserves one!) and no one else to cover, I guess.

I love my job; even on it’s worst days (those are usually days I feel that I don’t get paid enough – which I’m fairly certain, also due to conversations today, will sort itself out soon). But really, when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t trade a larger wage for a lesser place to work. I love my bosses. I love my colleagues. I love what I do. I love my job.

Anyway, between that and a few business endeavours my father and I are looking into and were hoping to start mid-June, not to mention Lars hopefully moving in permanently in June, it’s going to be a busy month to get through. I don’t imagine I’ll have a lot of time for this blog – though I’ll try.

Writing again has been invigorating. I hope not to stop.

It’s amazing how much a person’s death can affect your life – even when you’re expecting that death to come. It’s amazing because death is the only certainty we have in life. We should be ready for it. We never, ever are.

It’s been 2 months now. And it feels almost like my life has been on hold this entire time – despite so much happening and so many changes taking place.

I’ve moved out of Squamish, where Squish Gems originated and was meant to serve. I moved back to the island, the help my father and brother with the after-mess of mom’s passing. Each day, feels like a little emotional roller coaster.

Mom’s death has been a burden on us all financially, but it’s also given us insight and opportunity to what we need to be doing as a family and as individuals. All of us are contemplating the types of business we need to be running. We’ve contemplated from a petting zoo; my dad has the perfect bit of land for it, to a second hand store; they were mom’s passion. We’ve solidified little. But then, we’re taking baby steps. We’re still in shock I guess. And we’re still mourning. We’re still battling for my mother’s rights.

Today, I made a section on my store in mom’s honour. I will donate 15% of all profits to a local charity in her name. I will sell the types of things she liked to buy. And I will remember her, and use her strength to help me m

Last night while I dreamt I was shot in the head, twice. It didn’t hurt and as far as know, I didn’t die. I just had a gaping, bloody hole in the back of my head. It’s rare that I dream of being injured, so I thought that was worth mentioning.

At work yesterday, I took a call for the newsroom about a kidnapping of a 5-year-old boy from school that morning. Listening to the child’s aunt talk, I felt my own heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on a little bit. Thinking of the amounts of ugly I get to listen to in a day, whether it be one drug dealer or another in the US trying to report another drug dealer, or a report of an 11-year-old girl’s rapist’s whereabouts being shared on the Crime Stoppers line because the caller is more interested in getting a reward than actually having the rapist caught, or just your average dick who thinks the women’s crisis line is there for his own personal entertainment and all the support workers are there just to prank call, or the Alcoholics Anonymous line where alcoholics need to find a meeting as soon as possible as they don’t have the personal strength within to stay sober one more minute without group support, I know that my issues are far smaller than so many other’s.

But, my mom’s been given 6 months to live if she doesn’t start taking care of herself. Should she clean herself up, stop drinking and start eating properly, she may have a few years. I don’t see that happening. The last time I saw her, I woke her up in the afternoon. Sleeping by her side was a new toy dog. She paid a thousand dollars for a dog the size of a rat, that’s better off at Paris Hilton’s side than my mom’s. This little thing is just a puppy. It can’t jump off the bed itself to eat or go to bathroom. The results are disturbing. The last time I saw my mom, she was sleeping on a bed that was covered in this dog’s urine and faeces and she didn’t care enough to clean it up or remove the dog. I’d been told that should my brother or father take the dog away to feed it or walk it, she accuses them of stealing it. They do it anyway, out of compassion for the little guy. And while I was there, I mentioned it was cute and all of the sudden my mother was rambling on about how I was fighting with my brother (who wasn’t at home and I hadn’t seen in weeks) about who gets to keep the dog.

My mom was pretty much lethargic. She was talking in circles, and I couldn’t get her out of bed let alone out to lunch. She had growths on the bottom of her feet the size of golf balls, and her mind clearly wasn’t there; every now and then a cheerful “Hi!” leaving her lips mid conversation, as if I had just walked into the room though I had been there close to an hour trying to get her up and out. Eventually, I had to leave as I had a ferry home to catch. It was heartbreaking. Everything that’s happening to her and that she is doing to herself is heartbreaking. And I’m no longer convinced it’s psychosis and alcoholism. I believe most of what she is today is purely alcohol related. She lost a few marbles before she started drinking as much as she does, sure. But what she is today isn’t my mom at all, and the irreparable damage drinking excess of a litre of Gin a day has done to her brain and body is beyond comprehension.

I miss my mom. And I can’t stand to see her this way. But I live my daily life and try to push the sad reality of what’s happening to the back of my head. And still, life is good for me. I have it so much better than so many others. And there’s literally nothing that can happen to me, or that I can do to myself that can change that.

~*~
My actual resignation letter said something like this:
~*~

"Dear L...

Please consider this letter my official resignation effective today.

Thank you for the opportunity you have given to me to work with you and the experience I have had the chance to learn.

Sincerely,

Tainted"

~*~
What I was actually thinking was:
~*~

Last week, you came back from your cruise with a horrid frown on your face. You had a nasty cold, maybe a touch of the flu, but when we asked what was wrong you clearly stated you were pissed at what happened in the office while you were away and it wasn’t you being ill that was getting to you.

I’d still like to know, what exactly you think happened, because as far as I was concerned, the office was running as smoothly as ever while you were away. I don’t recall any conflicts, or issues after you came in and put an end to the initial and as far as I’m concerned, only problem that occurred before you actually left. I know whispers hit your ears that pointed fingers at both myself and another of your employee’s being culprits in something. Initially, I figured even with the far-fetched tattletale being one of your longest devoted employee’s, you’d see through the bull, since during your entire leave, that other employee was out of the office at least 90% of the time. There literally was no time for conflict!

But you stayed miserable for a full week. And your misery rubbed off on others. Friday, I asked for help and the response I got was, “Can we do this some other time? I’m not in the mood today.” I agreed, and asked what was wrong. The response I got was, “She’s being a bitch, a real bitch,” and to that I agreed, but also stated you’d been that way since you came back and no one really knows why so we needn’t take it personally. None-the-less, she told me not to bother completing the task of getting her resume formatted, since she intended to do it herself over the weekend. I almost laughed when she admitted in a staff meeting to seeing your employment ads, then stating she can’t remember what she was looking for on the recruitment site!

Anyway, come Monday, you had prepared a speech and held a talk with four of your staff members. You talked about the problems, the petty bull, then you apologized to two of the members, explicitly expressing that they were not a part of the problem and you regret them having to be a part of the conversation. You then make clear that you have already held conversations with the other staff member present, and turned to me and stated I was certainly part of the problem. You had held no private talks with me concerning this as you had with other’s; in fact, you’d simply treated me like shit period since you’d been back. You choose not to bother, before taking whoever’s words for gold. And pointing a finger at me (despite you not seeing it that way, when you eliminate 3 of the 4 people you’re talking to, there is only one left and metaphorically speaking - that’s pointing a finger), wasn’t a real motivational factor.

I hope you have half the true will to learn that you believe and profess you have, and that you will hear these words and if not agree with them, at least consider them...

I could have succeeded in your office. I could have been one of your best employee’s. I wanted to expand and grow there. Your office failed me as much as I failed you. Here’s why:

You gave me a trainer (without actually telling me she was my trainer, forcing me to learn that by asking the wrong people questions), who could not and can not teach. I brought this to your attention, but it slipped into one ear and out the other. Then, when my ‘trainer’ takes emergency leave, you expect that I know everything I need to know - when in fact, I knew very, very little. Trying to accomplish the tasks at hand, I ask the only other person available to help me. Time and time again I’m told not to bother, that she will just do it as she is too busy (training others and what not). And if not that, I was simply ignored. Concerning one project, I almost beg her to tell me how to do it, but she insists she needs to go through the files herself, because she can’t know what the problem is otherwise. I ask her to do so, then when she finds the problem, to point it out to me because I want to learn; she agrees. Amazing, the next day during a staff meeting, she insists she already taught me what to do, implying I really am that stupid. Fact: If she had taught me, It would have been done rather than sitting on a bloody waiting list!
This may be petty to you, but it’s not the first time, and I was sure it wouldn’t have been the last time your staff members placed undeserved blame on me. Let’s take for example our client, the cancer patient. Before you decided to blame me for not noting we should only be calling only one of them, did you even LOOK at the T1 take in sheet? I did - when I scanned it for you. It clearly shows that I did in fact note that we should NOT be calling one of the pair. Funny enough, that last little bit of bull was the last I was willing to take at your company.

Most of what I learned in your company was taught to me by the girl who quit just 2 weeks prior to me (which is one of the reasons I hated to see her go so bad, I knew if she left, I’d be short behind because there was no one else to help me learn (one of those aspects you pride your company on!).

I told you when I joined I have one really strong weakness, and that’s the inability to work in a place where I am not happy. Feeling stranded up shit creek without a paddle, because there is work on my desk I don’t know how to do and have no one to ask for help or to teach me as it piles high, is not my idea of a happy place to work. Especially when that work is time sensitive and I’m going to get shit for it not being done in the end. Being lied about, and made to feel stupid is not my idea of happy. Being talked about behind my back, to you and to others, not my idea of happy.

You may not feel that you lost much when I quit, mutually, I don’t feel I lost much by leaving. But I hope you realize your office has its faults and helped me fail, through as much as it taught me. I spent a few months taking responsibility for faults that weren’t mine as well as those that were mine. I hope you take responsibility in recognizing the faults in your office and doing something to fix them, before hiring your next staff member.