Saturday, July 9, 2011
And Off I Go Again…
I head out to Squamish again tomorrow. I’ll be there for a week or so helping manage things while our Trish is on vacation. James will be out that way, so we're hoping to meet up for lunch or something. When I get back, I have just one more week before I get to take my very own vacation (10 whole days!!!). During my vacation, I’ll have some very special guests. My sister Renee is coming with her two boys. I’ve never met any of them, and I’m so excited about the opportunity. The down side… well, Ed is driving out here with them. I have no interest in seeing or knowing Ed at all. Ed’s my biological dad and no more than a sperm donor in my honest opinion. He’s done nothing for me my whole life and only negative for my mom when she was alive. He doesn’t deserve the time I’m spending thinking of him right now. My real father… I live with him. And he’s a great man.
Anyway, I haven’t got a lot of time. I have to pack, and Lars and I are planning on spending the afternoon on the sea. I’m going to make sugar-free chocolate covered bananas today, then some crab cakes as we caught 9 HUGE crabs yesterday and boiled them all up. We’re having so much fun on the water, it’s incredible. Perhaps today it’ll be warm enough to actually jump in…
I’ve finished my websites. I updated Chrystals.ca and completed ChrysCreates.ca. I invite you to take a look at both.
I’ve also printed off a postcard campaign for launching Chryscreates.ca. I intend to send out a bunch of postcards sometime while my sister is here that offers people 10% off, and for the 1st three contracts, I’ll donate 50% to autism research. I think it’s a great deal for them, and me!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I forgot to set the timer on the TV last night, so I woke up this morning to the sound of a really annoying pro-HST commercial. Here:
Stickman: HST and PST+GST Rally from HSTinBC on Vimeo.
What annoys me most about this is how stupid our government thinks we are, and how so many of us are bound to prove them right with this upcoming election. We’ll do this by voting to keep the HST either because we sincerely believe that the 10% HST promised to us in 3 years time (like the government never breaks its promises) really is cheaper on us, or we’re greedy business owners who will now get a higher tax credit at the cost of our very own customers, or simply because the confusing way in which this election is being worded.
Vote YES to get rid of the HST and go back to the GST & PST.
Vote NO to keep the HST at 12% with a promise of lowering it to 10% in 3 years time, which still applies to more products and services than the GST & PST ever did.
What this commercial fails to tell you is that HST applies to up to 60% more services and products than GST or PST alone and is also applied to purchases that had no tax at all in the past.
The big financial benefits for HST in BC go to big and moderate sized companies who get to write off their HST and get a bigger tax back credit at their year-ends. How many average sized families in BC, do you figure get to write off their expenses in order to get tax back each year? There are slight benefits of HST that go to Accountants and Bookkeepers as having one tax over two simplifies their job and gives them the satisfaction of telling their clients about the large tax refund they should expect each year.
We all predicted the Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup this year too…
Personally, I come from a family on entrepreneurs and small business owners. I’m hoping to venture into my own business at this very moment. I’m still voting YES to scrap the HST this year, because I don’t want to personally benefit at the cost of my society or my clients. Under the old GST & PST system, you’d only have to pay 5% GST tax on most* of my web designing services. With HST, you get to pay 12% on everything now and maybe in 3 years that will be lowered to 10% (still double what voting YES, will cost you)! My write-offs and my end of year tax back cheques may be smaller, but it’s a small price to pay to help lessen our societies tendency to help the rich get richer while the poor are pushed deeper into poverty. It’s a small price for me to pay to discourage more big business from inhabiting our society and hopefully encouraging and empowering individuals to become entrepreneurs on their own –the decent, old-fashioned way, with social-conscience.
The pro-HST commercials make me nauseous. It doesn’t take a genius to know the reality of the decision our society has to make here – and our government clearly thinks far less of our intelligence levels than that. Help us prove them wrong!
*The only web designing services that must charge both GST and PST are those that include executable compute program within the site.
What annoys me most about this is how stupid our government thinks we are, and how so many of us are bound to prove them right with this upcoming election. We’ll do this by voting to keep the HST either because we sincerely believe that the 10% HST promised to us in 3 years time (like the government never breaks its promises) really is cheaper on us, or we’re greedy business owners who will now get a higher tax credit at the cost of our very own customers, or simply because the confusing way in which this election is being worded.
Vote YES to get rid of the HST and go back to the GST & PST.
Vote NO to keep the HST at 12% with a promise of lowering it to 10% in 3 years time, which still applies to more products and services than the GST & PST ever did.
What this commercial fails to tell you is that HST applies to up to 60% more services and products than GST or PST alone and is also applied to purchases that had no tax at all in the past.
The big financial benefits for HST in BC go to big and moderate sized companies who get to write off their HST and get a bigger tax back credit at their year-ends. How many average sized families in BC, do you figure get to write off their expenses in order to get tax back each year? There are slight benefits of HST that go to Accountants and Bookkeepers as having one tax over two simplifies their job and gives them the satisfaction of telling their clients about the large tax refund they should expect each year.
“It’s the one issue that most observers can agree on. The HST is good for most businesses, especially for big and medium businesses. The independent review concluded that consumers this year were paying $1.33-billion more in sales taxes, after rebates and tax breaks, and business is paying $730-million less.The rationalization that the HST promises to help our economy by making it more profitable for business is not factual, but it’s hopeful predictions.
The HST reduces the cost of production and simplifies bookkeeping. With the provincial sales tax, business paid tax on goods and services used in each stage of production, a tax upon the tax. But under the HST, the tax is applied only when the goods are sold, or the services provided, to the consumer.
The HST has been endorsed by several businesses and business organizations, from the Business Council of B.C., which represents companies accounting for 25 per cent of all jobs in the province, to the B.C. Guide Outfitters Association.
Not all businesses benefit. Smaller enterprises and service-based companies that were not previously subject to sales tax take a hit. But many smaller businesses are agile and adjust quickly to changing circumstances. After a year of HST, small businesses may be reluctant to go back to the time-consuming bookkeeping required by the PST. “
“It may take years to find out whether HST provided a boost to the economy.”
”After 2014, the HST may bring in less than the PST. Without an increase in economic growth, the HST would be cutting a big hole in government budgets, roughly $3-billion over the following five years. In other words, the reduction in the HST rate to 10 per cent could make a significant dent in provincial budgets for years. The government would be financially better off by bringing back the provincial sales tax.”Quotes taken from the 4 page Globe and Mail article here.
We all predicted the Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup this year too…
Personally, I come from a family on entrepreneurs and small business owners. I’m hoping to venture into my own business at this very moment. I’m still voting YES to scrap the HST this year, because I don’t want to personally benefit at the cost of my society or my clients. Under the old GST & PST system, you’d only have to pay 5% GST tax on most* of my web designing services. With HST, you get to pay 12% on everything now and maybe in 3 years that will be lowered to 10% (still double what voting YES, will cost you)! My write-offs and my end of year tax back cheques may be smaller, but it’s a small price to pay to help lessen our societies tendency to help the rich get richer while the poor are pushed deeper into poverty. It’s a small price for me to pay to discourage more big business from inhabiting our society and hopefully encouraging and empowering individuals to become entrepreneurs on their own –the decent, old-fashioned way, with social-conscience.
The pro-HST commercials make me nauseous. It doesn’t take a genius to know the reality of the decision our society has to make here – and our government clearly thinks far less of our intelligence levels than that. Help us prove them wrong!
*The only web designing services that must charge both GST and PST are those that include executable compute program within the site.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I graduated last week. My final project can be found at: http://.chrystals.ca/connections, and a secondary site I built for Lars’ sister can be found here: http://chrystals.ca/bdivine. I’ve also been working on my personal site which can’t be access at the moment as it’s password protected while in development. I’m having a blast doing this – which is good, because I haven’t been feeling like work is going so well lately. While at the start of this course I was thinking web design could be a secondary career, I’m now thinking I may have to make it my primary. It saddens me a whole lot as I love my current company more than I’d have believed, but the passion that makes me so great at what I do there, seems to also be what’s breaking me right now.
Yesterday was Canada Day. It was also the first day Lars and I had a chance to spend together, completely, all alone, just enjoying each other, in a long while. I can’t think of a better way to do that then on his Seadoo, which we finally launched last week. We really, really, really had a blast. Here’s a peak:
~*~
We spent hour after hour on the sea, playing, making friends (we actually met a couple and their kids vacationing at sea on their boat, and had a beer onboard with them before taking off again), catching crab and letting them go (only because we didn’t catch enough for dinner!), visiting near uninhabited islands, and watching the ‘Build Your Own Boat Races’.
We had no idea these were taking place, but we sure where happy to end up dead-smack in the middle of them. We had so much fun yesterday, and slept so well last night, Lars and I intend to spend this beautiful Saturday doing the exact same thing… Only today, perhaps we’ll bring home dinner!!!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I left the house in a summer tank-top this morning. It was the moment I walked into my local supermarket and saw a Boston Bruins fan wearing his jersey, I regretted not wearing the #1 Luongo Canuck jersey Lars brought home for me last week.
We lost the game last night, but today of all days the Canucks and Vancouver needed their much, much deserved love and respect. The Canucks took us for an amazing ride this year - the People of Vancouver showed true perseverance and overwhelming humility in quickly responding to restore their home this morning.
Last night’s events brought me to tears. Lars and I sat together glued to the computer, watching the live streams of chaos, violence the utter breakdown of humanity as it unfolded. I am ashamed. I am utterly embarrassed. I’m devastated and angry. I’m sorry.
On behalf of our society's worst I apologize. I apologize to those hurt, those who lost in the events of last evening. I apologize to the real people of Vancouver who took it upon themselves to fix what was broken today, and who still work to help repair things that require more work, more money. I apologize to those who feel as distraught over this as I do.
And finally, I apologize to the Canucks and the Bruins, for this embarrassing charade that's taken the spotlight away from a much deserved Stanley win by the Bruins, and well earned celebration for the Canucks for getting us as far as they did.
I am a Canuck – and Canucks respect their city, their fellow man, their friendly competitors and allies down south and most of all, Canucks respect themselves.
Canucks do not take part in scenes like this:
If it weren’t for the overwhelming good I’ve see in the aftermath of this event, the outrage of true fans of our hockey team, our community, our city; if it weren’t for the overwhelming efforts that went into cleaning up a mess one had no hand in making and communal efforts to bring all those who took part in these horrific acts to justice, I just might have lost my faith in humanity.
Vancouver, you restored my faith, you made me proud to be a Canuck today, when last night I was given no choice but to hang my head in shame.
Thank you.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I’m so very excited. I built chrystals.ca from scratch. Aside from the blog, which isn’t up and running yet, it’s fully functional. Next, I’ll build the office website, then one for Lars’ sister, and perhaps even one for Lars and his freelancing.
I’ve been thinking about doing a memorial site for my mom; decorate it in all the things she liked (cats and bright pinky-type colors), do a memorial album of all her photos, maybe a guest book, or comment box where people can leave memories, thoughts or tributes, perhaps even link the few sites she frequented online (yahoo crib & hotmail, mainly)!
I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately. I know she’d be proud of how much I’m learning and how much I simply don’t suck at it. My mom was always good for taking pride in the things I do. She’s the reason I am what I am today. I’ll forever love her for that.
Anyway, I’m proud to announce that Poison hasn’t been back here since she read that last entry of mine. It makes me more comfortable in saying what I want in my blog – not having to think about her peering in, consistently wishing, hoping, willing for the worst for Lars and I.
And we are doing really well these days. We’re both healing still over our last ordeal, things are falling back into place they way they should. Being busy seems to work all right for us too: each always looking out for the other’s needs.
So there’s not much else to report really…
Life is good. Busy, but good.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Our instructor tells us that when you know things like ‘URL’ is an abbreviation for Uniform (or Universal) Resource Locator or the ‘http’ in a web URL is an abbreviation for Hypertext Transfer (or Transport) Protocol and you understand what people are talking about when they’re talking of text sized ‘em’ and other random things like what XAMPP is, it’s official, you are a geek.
11
And… I’ll wear that title with pride. In fact, I probably should have worn is long before he defined it so blatantly for us all. In addition (and perhaps to emphasize it a little), I’ll brag a little about some recent extreme pleasures I’ve found and purchased:
I’m giddy about a new gadget I recently aquired, ecstatic about my CS5.5 Design Premium Software which arrived in the mail yesterday. I am absolutely, freaking thrilled that I am gaining the knowledge I need to put these things to good use from my course.
Now, with all these things to play with, it’s no surprise I haven’t had a lot of time to explain much here. I imagine that last entry of mine is rather confusing to most of you – not so much to Lars’ ex, whom it was directed at. You see, like every geek, I like to know what’s happening with my webpages. And like every geek should, I have a number of trackers on my blog that allow me the information of knowing who is looking at my blog how long you spend here and how often. I’m sure that’s shocking to some of you.
Here’s an example of how easy it is
I go to my tracker and take this little number from your visit (I’ve blackened it out in this screen shot as to preserve some privacy):
11With that little number, I’m able to pull up other very useful information like your exact Latitude and Longitude:
And within a matter of moment or two, I’m able to pull up an approximate location, satellite photos and all:
If I had a little more time and bothered to play I could probably narrow this down and confirm the exact location of the persons viewing my blog in less than an hour. I don’t have that time right now, as I need to run off to school… But trust me when I say this is fully possible and with that information it’s not hard to find out the exact person (with the help of social networking sites and online directories). By the way, if you weren’t aware the internet was this transparent, please take it as a lesson and know you are never anonymous here!
Most of the time this information is innocent enough when in the right hands. It allows me the chance to brace for things (for example the ability to warn my father when I know he’s about to hear something from someone else he should probably hear from me first). It allows me to know with certainty Lars ex spends more time in my blog than I do. That first image above is a shot of her recent visits. It looks a lot like an obsession to me. It also allowed me the ability to see she kept coming back hoping for more comment on her comment, but failed to see Lars responses – so I directed her there. That's it, confusion all made clear and all is transparent at silltainted, again!
Now that I’ve cleared all that up, I really must run to school. Learning is important. This is just one of the many reasons why!
Monday, May 16, 2011
What you're looking for....
Is in the comments HERE, Poison.
Seriously. A hobby or something, maybe?
Is in the comments HERE, Poison.
Seriously. A hobby or something, maybe?
Friday, May 13, 2011
I read yesterday morning that the Official Scrabble Dictionary has published a new addition that includes words like ‘grrl’, ‘thang’ and ‘innit’ (short for ‘isn’t it’). These are in addition to common Hindi words for food, and names of street drugs. My prediction is that it won’t be long for Oxford and Miriam Webster to follow suite and add such common slang to their official books.
We are witnessing the evolution, a crucial turning point in the English language. Those of us who truly love the language as we know it, mock those who try to shorten if with abbreviations like, “U’ or even “H8”, and those who badger it in every day use with slang like “grrl” or “thang”. We forget that Shakespearean speakers once ridiculed our own current beloved vocabulary, as we ridicule this evolution today.
Perhaps there’s a lesson in accepting change in here somewhere? It’s a thought to ponder. But for now, and until I find it, I’m still going to consider shortening the word ‘you’ with ‘u’ as lazy and uneducated. I’m stubborn that way.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I woke up to Lars’ alarm this morning. He rolled over for a few minutes of cuddles, kissed me and crawled out of bed. I got up just before he walked out the door and asked him to stay. He came back for one last hug and sent me back to bed. I was followed by the cats who made it absolutely impossible for me to get back to sleep.
I didn’t have to set my own alarm, as I don’t have to go back into class until Monday. After walking out of the classroom absolutely furious yesterday, I had a complaint or two to make to and about the instructor that had been assigned to the Photoshop portion of our course. I will not be attending any more of his classes. The school will compensate me with a qualified replacement to teach me whatever I miss at a later date, and they guarantee me he will not teach any future portion of this course – which I expect as he is not qualified to be teaching at all. They’ve been very good about rectifying a potentially bad, bad situation and as a result I can only say good things about the school in general. It’s good marketing, for sure!
I work this afternoon but the sun is shining now and I have no obligations whatsoever. I think I’m going to take my camera outside and take a photograph or two of some of natures’ beautiful textures that I can use in photo manipulation later. Perhaps I’ll run into town and pick up a few things we need and maybe I’ll come home and take a nap…
It’s going to be a nice lazy day for me. I think I deserve it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
“I feel like crying,” I said as we walked into the kitchen. And before the words were out of my mouth I choked up, my eyes filled with tears and my knees went weak. I fell into Lars’ arms and just sobbed against his chest for a bit.
Mother’s Day is hard for me.
My mom’s dead. I have no mom to spoil. My son is a world away from me. Most people forget I’m a mom at all – let alone spoil me. And I don’t even know that I deserve to be spoiled, anyway.
Lars didn’t even wish me a good day today. And when I mentioned it, the significance of this day for me half way through the day, he responded with the reality, ’I didn’t think of it like that’. I’m not angry at him at all about this. It’s just how it is… Not many think of it like that.
I wonder how my brother’s doing today. I imagine the repeated reminders that our mom is no more, are eating him alive right now. And he seems to take this truth the hardest. He was her baby after all…
My ex-husband sent me photos of our son, a video too. He’s growing so much and he’s so very beautiful. I miss him. And sometimes I wonder if I’m getting any closer to going back there to be with him, or if he’s any closer to coming here to be with me. The thought fills me with more hope than I could ever describe. I don’t even know if he’d like me today but I know I love him and want nothing more than to be with him. It’s been years too long now. And I can still hear his cries as we said our last goodbye – him not understanding at all just what my trip would mean. It was so unfair to him; so necessary, but so very unfair.
This is life I suppose.
And along with that cry, I can still hear his laugh as he did when I whispered repeatedly in his ear that I loved him. My bangs are still a little shorter than the rest of my hair, from him grasping it in his sleep, pulling it out, as an infant dreaming.
And those are good thoughts.
And those are good thoughts.
So… Happy Mommy’s Day to all the good mommy’s out there. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening cuddled on the couch with a movie Lars picked up for me today. I'm so very lucky to have him.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. I’ve dreamt about my mom about my son, about the bloody neighbours, even. In fact, my brain activity has been going nuts as through my schooling, I’ve found another, digital way to express emotion. I’ve always written, painted, drawn. Now, I can do it all electronically, which only offers a larger, more elaborate paint board with multiple mediums for me to play with.
Here are some pieces I’ve created through tutorials and school:
~*~
~*~
Each of these manipulations can take a few hours to complete, but with such beautiful end results, they are totally worth it:
Monday, May 2, 2011
Why the hell is the UAE blog world so quiet about it? I was expecting thought-provoking posts among at least one of my favourite UAE blogs, Life in Dubai, UAEian, or Buj Al Arab but no; not even is there mention of it in The UAE Community Blog.
I’m amazed, about as amazed as I am startled by this news.
I feel. And I don’t know what it is I feel about it.
I’m sad, yet I am not saddened by his execution. I believe in the death penalty for murders and there is no doubt Osama Bin Laden was a murderer. He was a mass murderer of Atheists, Christians and Mulsims alike. He deserved to die. But to hear the American soldiers ‘took custody’ of his body and that he was buried at sea (such pretty words for his remains were tossed thoughtlessly into the middle of the ocean and he was denied any form of humane burial) disgusts me at my core.
His punishment was his death. The world is a safer place without him.
But abusing his remains and cheering about his demise is for the sake of the living. What disgusting people we are to laugh at and dance like mad-mobs in the face of death – anyone’s death. Those who lost loved ones at Osama’s hands will not be dancing today – they’ll feel a possible form of closure and no doubt rekindled pain because even Osama’s death cannot bring back the lives he took.
Osama’s execution is indeed a great step towards anti-terrorism; a great accomplishment that will mark our future. But it also proves human beings are disgusting things.
I read this quote on Facebook today, fake or not, so very apt it is:
International news and disgraceful human beings aside, life keeps me busy (in such a fantastic way, I’m loving my course!), my body is still adjusting to the changes (and my new-no-time diet), and Lars and I are well. We’re making time for tea time every-single-day, whether it be breakfast on the patio, a few minutes on the couches in a dark room late at night, or lunch at the Chinese place near my school because we won’t fit in a few minutes throughout the day otherwise, we squeeze it in and make it work. We are sincerely happy.
We’re in love with our new tenants (what wonderful people they seem to be!) and life overall is pretty darn good – so I won’t complain too much, even if people in general suck right now.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
We spent the day playing in the warmth… the warmth of the sun and the warmth of each other. My body is not yet fully healed but we’ve enjoyed almost every inch of one another just the same. We woke to sunshine bathing our deck, so out we went to enjoy our morning coffee. Lars moved on to chop wood and I watched for a while, before I finally moved to the kitchen only to make us breakfast. We ate on the deck and stayed there for hours. We watched as our new tenants moved in. We were still on the deck when my niece arrived to visit and pick up her new (our old) couches.
We really did take advantage of the day, basking in the sun, playing in the light, soaking in the vitamin D. We put all chores aside and simply enjoyed each moment for what it was. I don’t think we’ve had a weekend so relaxing all winter.
We talked. We talked a little about what went wrong, where we fell off track, and what bothers us still from this most recent falling. We talked about anger and how it paints such ugly pictures of one another and we talked about how misunderstood we felt as we both attacked one another.
We talked about the things others are doing in light of our fighting, that bother us still and possibly reform major parts of our relationship/future. And we’ve both come to realize, we’re entitled to our feelings – even if things aren’t ideal.
We talked about our engagement, and how we’re happy just ‘dating’ again. If and when the time is right, perhaps he’ll ask me to marry him again. For now, we’re just lovers falling in love all over again.
Lars has gone to Puckle to feed the birds. I’m about to make us dinner. I couldn’t have asked for a better, more relaxing weekend in order to start the next week of work and school and more work…
In short, we’re doing well. We’re repairing what we broke and we’re smiling while doing it. And in doing so, we’re learning a lot about the people around us and each other.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I slept better last night than I have in weeks, months even. Lars and I ate our ice cream in one another’s arms and talked quietly of feelings – both good and bad, hopes, dreams and fears. When my eyes just wouldn’t stay open anymore, I found myself asking him to sleep over. By ‘sleep over’ I meant, spend the night with me in my office, where I’ve migrated to throughout this charade.
He held me till morning and I felt him kiss me goodbye as he left just prior to me waking up to start my own day. I had forgotten how much I missed his lips on sleepy-me in the morning. Funny how that happens with the people we love: we get so comfortable, we forget to acknowledge the little things and we end up taking it all for granted.
I get off work early tonight. 8pm. We’ve agreed that we will spend a small portion of each day really with each other, engaged in only each other. We will make sure we have no distractions, no TV’s, no phones, no computers, just one another. We’ll use this time to talk about our days, our feelings, whatever it is that’s going on in our heads and hearts. It’s going to be a little bit of quality time we are going to make a necessary part, a habit of our every day life. We’ve lovingly coined it ‘tea time’. This is our first step to trying to make something we know is meant to be work, despite all our humanly flaws. And tonight, will be our first attempt at it.
We’re both looking forward to it, though I have to admit, despite all my optimism I still feel a little uncertain. I felt so sure things had happened I couldn’t get over, forget, and live with. I was so certain my perspective of him and this relationship had been eternally tainted by raw emotion, and so convinced that we were done. I’m very confused as to where all that certainty has gone, and why it’s been replaced by this new array of emotions. I guess it really doesn’t matter though, because I like these emotions much better.
My body is still healing and every now and then I’m punished with a stabbing sensation in my tummy. My heart still aches and I feel a deep sense of loss. I imagine Lars does too. My heart doesn’t feel as heavy, and I know I’m going to finally get some rest tonight; for that I’m very thankful.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Since I was a little girl ‘sleepy me’ has been a crybaby. Literally. When I’m over tried, I cry about everything and anything. In fact, tired enough, I will even cry over a non-thing. I’ve felt a lot like that lately, only right now, I know I have had some reason to cry. Not today though. Today is better. I should be and am finding reason to smile. Still, a tired tear waits at the edge of my eye to spill and I can feel it taunting me.
Last night, Lars so very politely asked me if he could please hug me goodnight. The thought tore me apart for some reason and I immediately burst into tears. I found myself refusing though I wanted so very badly to accept, to feel his arms around me, to hug him back. It made me realize, even as I explained this conflict of emotion to him and he so gracefully accepted refusal, we all just suck for human beings sometimes… And I can be the stupidest fuck of us all.
I try to be bigger than this.
We build these walls, these rules, these conditions that only we live by – and they only make our own lives more difficult.
I spent a lot of today wondering if I’d have slept better if I’d accepted that hug. In fact, as I drove off this morning, I felt a whole lot of fear that I wouldn’t make it home, wouldn’t see him again and if he’d resent me eternally for not giving him one last embrace, if I’d resent me if I made it home and he wasn’t there? I’m thankful I am home. I’m thankful he’s still here. I will not make the same mistake tonight.
I picked up a tub of Cherry Garcia, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream on my way home today. I hope to take a few moments after work to share it with him – as tired and in need of rest as I am, I think I need some human contact with someone I know loves me very deeply. He probably does too. And Lars introduced me to this little bit of heaven when we first met. I still remember the day we lay in bed together sharing spoon after spoon. He gave me all the delicious big chunks of cherry-chocolaty climatic flavour, leaving himself only the plain ice-cream and the little bits left over. But I digress…
The hug refusal…
The experience of sheer internal conflict and turmoil has caused an epiphany. We don’t need to read the books on how to rekindle love and romance. Perhaps, Lars and I are meant to write the next one.
Lars said to me today, ‘We were meant to learn from each other that’s for sure, learn about love, trust and feelings.”
What I learn, I’m meant to teach. Perhaps it’s why I write as openly as I do?
We are both deeply hurt, deeply wounded, and perhaps even a little bitter still. We are not out of rough waters yet and tomorrow things may again take another drastic twist. But, deep down inside, I’m sure Lars and I both want that very same thing, and that… that’s a great place to start. We’re going to work on being friends right now. We’re going to build on that fierce love we once had and disgusted the world with. I’m going to try and listen better, to myself (what’s happening behind those mental walls and barriers I’ve built), and to Lars. There’s not a doubt in my mind he’s going to do the same thing.
And hopefully tonight, we both get some real rest so this tired tear of mine might hide away for another day.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The month my mom died, I worked 193 hours. I suffered indescribable amounts of pain, loss, anger and resentment. I kept so busy it was only at night when I lay down to sleep I really had to think of, to feel anything. As the nights felt like years, each minute a week, I can’t imagine what I’d have done without my job.
I couldn’t ask for a better time to start this course. I will now spend at least 14 hours each day keeping busy with work or study, and about all I can imagine is left to do is sleep.
I rarely cry on a friends’ shoulder. I rarely allow myself to be that burden on them. I’m the shoulder. I’m the strong one (at least that’s what they tell me).
When I break down, it’s usually through blinding tears and pounding fingertips at my keyboard. Incredible amounts of pain seep through my words to my blog. And when I’m done, when I feel a little like I’ve released a bit of that negative energy, I feel a little less pressure on my chest. Usually, I feel comfort in knowing someone, anyone out there might possibly read and truly understand what I’m going through – who and what I am… And since I didn’t ask them to come here, I didn’t request their help, I don’t have to feel like I’m intruding on their space or burdening them, so I don’t add guilt to my already aching heart and soul.
I don’t expect everyone to understand that, but I’d really thought and hoped you did. You apologise to people for finding out the way they did about this miserable experience when you know living it, keeping it inside was tearing me up as much as you. You apologise to them for the shock and pain of hearing about it this way through my ‘disgusting public display’ – but didn’t once apologise to me for my shock and pain of having to go through it – you don’t feel sorrow in the fact that my pain was so severe it cut so deep into core, it forced me to react, release in a very uncharacteristic way today because it’s the only way I know how to cope.
My blogs have always been my outlet. For the sake of this entry, I’ve made visible a blog I’ve had since 2001 – and kept invisible for more than 5 years now. In 2001, it wasn’t a ‘thing’ to blog. Not everyone was doing it. In fact, there were no blogs. It was my online journal. I will again make this blog invisible in a few days (there are legal implications to it, that force me to keep it hidden). For now, I’d like you to see this entry from 2003, this entry from 2004, both of which very ugly outburst of sheer emotion. See now, this entry from another blog I kept later in 2006 and you’ll find the same sort of thing.
I’ve grown a lot since 2003, 2004 or even 2006. My outlets, writing, painting, and sharing my feelings publicly have allowed for that. The emotional outbursts are far and few in-between these days. Even so, they are just as valuable to my growth and me now as they were then and I doubt that will ever change.
I hurt right now. I hurt and am very confused by your actions, my feelings and this entire situation. I hurt because each new moment it seems you know me less and less – when I thought I’d let you in and showed you who I was at my core. I’m angry. I’m angry because all anger stems from hurt – and my wounds just don’t heal that fast. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because actions speak louder than words. I’m frustrated because you blame yourself for things that aren’t real or aren’t of any real concern to me. I’m frustrated because when it comes to emotional maturity we are on totally different levels. I’m frustrated because we cannot seem to see what one another sees, so we can’t make something, anything work.
I don’t like broken things.
I know you’re hurting too. I know you’re angry too. I know you’re frustrated too. But if I’m honest, I’m not yet ready to feel fully sorry about it yet. I’m still too wound up in what I’m feeling. I need to be selfish right now and for that I am sorry.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
It took two sleeping pills for me to finally fall asleep last night. I’ve woken this morning still exhausted, but willing to get on with my day... my life.
I came to realize yesterday that every time we have had a falling out, I was somehow painted as the bad person when the reality of the entire relationship, the entire situation is that we were never meant to be. Period.
Because he thinks of me as selfish and arrogant, that’s all he’ll ever see in me. His mind makes a decision on what my intent is, and judged as that I am. There’s no convincing in the world that will make him see I really did just need to sleep my last night in Squamish, and had no intentions of drinking for '"third time in less than a work week," which in my opinion, is none of his god-damned business and he shouldn't be trying to guilt me about in the first place. There’s no convincing in the world that I withdrew from the day consciously because I did not want others to be uncomfortable in our fighting presence, that Tareq and I had no real plans set, but decided he would simply call when he got to Vancouver so we might try and make a meeting work – a call which came when I was already on the ferry.
Because I see him as narcissistic, egotistical and immature, my mind paints him, as it wants to see before I give him a chance to speak or act. I’m aware of this. Because of this, I believe all the good he does for me, is really for him. He gives a flower not because he wants to see me smile, but because he needs to feel thanked and appreciated. He does a good deed not because it makes him feel good to do it, but because he craves the praise he gets in response. And I'm probably very wrong about all this. But because that's what I see now in him, that's what I'll always see.
He is not what I think of him, nor am I what he thinks of me.
We were simply not compatible.
We lied to each other and to ourselves attempting to convince all that we were good. We did not enjoy one another’s company. We did not have great conversation. We never saw eye-to-eye. We stopped playing so long ago I can’t remember the last time I actually had fun with him, smiled with him, actually felt a connections with him – and I know for certain he feels the same way.
We still tried. We still had love for each other. But we are not in love with each other. Trying like this, only leads to contempt and dissatisfaction.
This chapter of my life is now done.
I don’t need 5 years of misery to tell me it’s time to leave. Though he may not realize it yet, neither does he. All the potential in the world doesn’t change a god-damned thing if neither one of us wants to do anything about it. All the potential in the world doesn’t change a thing if we can’t communicate our true likes and dislikes without disgusting each other – and yes, often I find he does disgust me as he’s made sure I know I do him.
I don’t know about you, but for me… I simply don’t love you anymore.
I don’t want to do anything about that potential now. It’s too late for that. I’ve experienced too much of the ugly in you, for the good (and yes, there is a lot of good) to matter to me anymore. Embarrassing acts like throwing gifts in stove fireplaces for my father and I to find, sending long emails of insult and accusation about me to all my loved ones, continual insult and badgering at me telling me what’s wrong with ME, how horrible a person I am, instead of listening to what I'm telling you I feel and communicating what you feel, what’s upsetting you … All of those things make me blind to any good you are or you’ve done now.
I don’t want to do anything about that potential now. It’s too late for that. I’ve experienced too much of the ugly in you, for the good (and yes, there is a lot of good) to matter to me anymore. Embarrassing acts like throwing gifts in stove fireplaces for my father and I to find, sending long emails of insult and accusation about me to all my loved ones, continual insult and badgering at me telling me what’s wrong with ME, how horrible a person I am, instead of listening to what I'm telling you I feel and communicating what you feel, what’s upsetting you … All of those things make me blind to any good you are or you’ve done now.
We come into each other’s lives for a reason. Some meetings are temporary. I’m thankful for my time with Lars. I’m thankful to have had the grace of meeting and being with his family. And I’m thankful that as he works through this heartache, he has them and is comfortable in confiding in them now.
I’m also thankful it’s over. I’m tired of living a lie.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Last Thursday, Lars and I lost a baby.
We decided to terminate the pregnancy, knowing neither of us was in any position to bring a child into the world. Before learning it was a pregnancy eating at my immune system, simply thinking I was sick with ear and throat infections, I’d unknowingly taken a course of antibiotics, a few sleeping pills and had a few too many heavy drinking nights – it being my birthday month and all. Our relationship itself wasn’t solid enough to have children – just recently taking a blow so big I didn’t think we’d ever fully recover from; and financially we were certainly not stable enough.
We weren’t going to tell anybody out of fear it would only cause more pain and confusion than we were all already facing due to other family circumstances and situations.
Today I’ve realized that I’m tired of bearing all the pain and protecting everyone else from it. I’m tired of being labeled the arrogant, self-centered one, when almost everything I ever do is in consideration of those around me and all I really ask in return is a little consideration right back.
Not now. Now, I need someone to recognize how fucking hard this has been, and still IS on me. I don't have a fucking shoulder to cry on. My mom's dead. My closest friends, my son even are on the other side of the planet. And no one else I know could possibly understand what the hell it is I'm feeling. And I need that person who understands even remotely, to not be him… because I just don’t believe him, or even believe in him anymore.
I’m going to be selfish now, and I’m going to use my damn journal for what it’s meant to be used; FOR ME. And I’m going to share it. If you don’t like it, well fuck you – stop reading.
Lars has his mom, his sister, his step-dad, and his real dad… countless people. Not me. Me… I have my fucking journal to spill my guts to. Do you have any idea how hard it's been to KEEP from writing about this until now -- thinking of others and how upset it might make them?
How fucking upsetting has HAVING TO HIDE THIS, to lie about this, has it finally gotten me? IT IS TIME I THINK ABOUT AND TAKE CARE OF MY FEELINGS.
I’d spent the weeks since I found out I was pregnant, feeling my body grow, swell and ache torn by the concept of abortion, so very badly wanting to hold an infant in my arms and know it was another part of me and someone I loved. I tossed around the idea of keeping it. I half-tried to convince myself that maybe we should – at one point, it seemed as though everything was conspiring against the abortion. I even suggested it a few times to Lars. But he kept me grounded, in knowing and confirming we were in no position to parent a baby – he didn’t seem to flinch even once over it. And I couldn't be more certain than right now, not even when the doctor told me it would never make full term, he was right.
There wasn’t an appointment available on the Island until long after I start College. Lars and I had to go to Vancouver. That’s why I ended up in my office as I did. That’s why the trip was so sudden and shady, with no hello’s along the way.
I was needed in my office to help train new staff and to cover for a boss while she was at a conference yesterday. But I had no plans to actually go being sick, pregnant, contemplating abortion, all with my studies starting this Monday. I couldn’t afford the trip and simply didn’t have the time. It was only when I realized I had no choice but to go to the mainland anyway, that the parts of this trip started falling together. The logic of me heading up north to Squamish right after, spreading myself far enough to get done what I needed done, help my office out where I could, heal as best I could and still get back in time to start my course, hopefully seeing loved ones for a short visit on the way back, could work and made sense! So what if it wore me a little thin? I’m a tough girl. I can take it.
Some seem to think, I can and should take anything and everything.
Thursday Lars and I were at the clinic in Vancouver. Before performing the procedure the doctor did an ultrasound and advised me the embryo, at eight weeks along, was non-existent. I was going to miscarry anyway. Despite planning on terminating the pregnancy, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt still brings me to tears now: betrayed by my own body.
I had a choice, get it over with then and there or let nature run its course; suffering a natural miscarriage within the next few days. I had the procedure. I did it without meds. You are not allowed to drive for 24-hours if you take the meds, and almost immediately after I needed to drive the Sea to Sky to get to my office. So that’s exactly what I did. I had a very painful operation (in more ways than one). Lars and I ate lunch. And then I drove the two hours north to my office, while he headed back home to take care of other obligations we couldn’t avoid.
I pretty much spent three days sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch, getting up only to paint a canvas. I was lucky enough to only start work on the following Monday. I spent the rest of my time there working, or sleeping for the most part – excepting the two evenings where Jody and I shared a few glasses of wine, as girlfriends should every now and then.
I worked 40+ hours last week, while trying to heal from my torn apart stomach. I was then diagnosed with Psoriasis (on my face) on Wednesday evening. Psoriasis is a reoccurring skin disease doctor’s believe may be caused by stress. And when it’s on your face, it’s horrific both looking and feeling. Mine, was between my eyes, creeping closer and closer to my actual eyeball. I had no choice but to treat it with steroids.
I’m fucking tired. I have had enough life lessons for now.
Today is my only day off, before I start another 6-day week, only this next one also includes full-time school in addition to work, and all the healing: physical, psychological, and emotional, I need to do at the same time.
All I wanted was to spend today smiling in the sun that’s finally made an appearance, with loved ones. But no… that’s not going to happen.
I cannot smile when I’m being told I’m selfish, because I want to wake up naturally rather than to the sound of the alarm that’s been breaking my much-needed rest all week. I cannot smile when I’m being accused of wanting to party the night before, thinking only of myself and no one else, when that couldn’t be any further from reality – I simply needed to and indeed did, go to sleep in order to feel half ok for today. I cannot smile and enjoy myself, when I’m being told it’s selfish and arrogant of me to even suggest we could try and fit a quick visit in with a friend from the States who just happens to be passing through the same city we were meant to pass through today. And I especially cannot smile when I’d already told that friend chances are it wouldn’t be possible, but we could try, and I am then made aware ‘trying’ wasn’t an option because you KNOW we won’t have enough time – even if you’re sorry about it.
I cannot smile, when I decide to distance myself from the bickering, the verbal attacks and accusations, by removing myself from the day’s equation – only to be told, I am the reason for ruining everyone else's day! Selfish, inconsiderate me!
I removed myself because I didn’t think anyone else needed to be involved in our misery! I didn’t want them to have to suffer our bad day together – because clearly the day had been shot for me! I just wanted to go home and go to bed. You could have gone to see your mom, sister and dad. You could have enjoyed yourself and your evening with them. And left me away from you to rest in actual peace. Instead, you choose to get on a returning ferry, continue an ongoing fight blaming me for you not seeing your family. All the while you continued to berate me on what a horrible person I am and need to know it.
I cannot smile or enjoy any of this. I’m FUCKING tired of it all.
But most of all…
I’m tired of you having to be with someone you think is so arrogant, selfish, mean, spoiled and immature. You certainly deserve and can find someone you think of as better. While I… I deserve to be with someone who thinks higher than this of me – and I’m sure I’ll find that too.
I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I am going to try and go to sleep. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and do my job as best I can. Then I’m going to take a sleeping pill and I will continue to try and sleep. I will continue to do this, to sleep off this misery until I am damn well ready to deal with anything else from anyone else.
While you keep your word to take care of things as you have, I am going to be as civil with you as I can. I’m going to respect you for who you are. And I pray you’ll be man enough to treat me with some civil nature and respect while we separate our lives.
But for now… I AM JUST FUCKING TIRED. And I don’t give a shit if you think this is selfish: me being arrogant, selfish, childish, immature, whatever… doesn’t change what you make me feel… make me think of you.
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Me
- Tainted Female
- No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
My Blog List
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"UN Delegation" (Microfiction)6 months ago
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Hello 2014!12 years ago
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40 CONSCIOUS years!13 years ago
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Pink Pudding13 years ago
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Another year has passed14 years ago
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allo allo..14 years ago
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See you in Oz?15 years ago
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Downtown15 years ago
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