Forever Tainted

When James and I started talking again, I learned a few things that have changed my life forever.  James was one of my best friends.  We understood each other.  His first visit ever out to the coast was to come visit me for a few days.  Then we fell out, James did something to me I thought I could never, ever forgive him for.  And under the slight chance that I could, I couldn’t forget.  And thus James was to be thrown in the ‘no-longer-exists’ pile, where my biological grandmother on my mom’s side, and that dirty-cunt of a half-sister of mine will spend eternity, and where countless other people have been thrown throughout my life.  They are bridges burnt intentionally, by me.  And I never looked back.

James was patient though.  He waited the greater part of a few years, offering steady, positive encouragement towards me through my blogs and via email.  He apologized, more than once.  I never replied: not one single word. 

Then it occurred to me one day… I really liked James.  He brought many, many smiles to my face.  He and I had a healthy, happy, full friendship.  I wrote him a letter that started with, “I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there is too much good in life to ignore.” That very truth is still a cornerstone of the person I want to be and choose to make myself – I’ve spent too may years in the dumps.

I closed that letter with this paragraph:

In finding my siblings (there are 5 of them total, 1 not yet found), I’ve already founds bits of drama, surrounding a very pissed off Ed.  I see some broken ties between sisters that my heart aches to help mend – but I know I have no power over such things. 

And I see a lot of me, in each and every one of them: even the one who won’t yet talk to me…