Forever Tainted

We had a bit of a tiff last night. I suppose you could say this is our first that’s wholly our own. The only other disagreement we had was because his psycho-ex didn’t understand the concept of boundaries and I won’t have it. The past is the past and that’s where it should stay. I sincerely believe that you can’t move on to the future until you’ve let the past go. It’s a concept she could probably do with learning…

Anyway, that argument well… wasn’t even really an argument. I attempted to walk away from a situation that caused me pain (in doing so, I was walking away from him), choosing not to force him to make decisions based on an ultimatum, but choosing instead to try and express what I felt and why I wouldn’t have any part of it. He made a choice on his own to rid our relationship of the offending force, and we ended up in each other’s arms, stronger than before.

Last night… Last night what we had was an argument. We weren’t screaming and yelling or anything like that. I doubt he and I could ever get like that. But I did make my frustration known and I did explain what had frustrated me before showering alone (90% of the showers we take these days are taken together), and curling up on the couch to watch TV without saying another word. He had spoken to me, only briefly, with a sharp, disrespectful tone. I’m really big on respect and simply will not accept less for myself than being respected at all times. He stepped over a line as far as I was concerned.

Pride kept him from offering an apology. Instead, he lay on my bed alone (couldn’t even bring himself to get under the covers without me), trying to gain the courage to apologize, to come out and talk to me. My stubbornness kept me on the couch in and out of sleep until about 3:30am when I woke up wide-awake and unable to fall back to sleep.

I turned the TV back on and flipped through the channels for a bit before turning it off and dragging myself to my room, to my bed, and into his arms. He wasn’t asleep. He reached his arms around me and whispered he was sorry in my ear. We snuggled into each other and talked for a little bit about what had happened and how we felt before passion took over…

As he touched me, I realized I’ve never before been with someone so intent on pleasing me in every possible way. I’ve never had someone do as much for me as he does, whether it is with daily things like cooking or cleaning, or the intimate things. I’ve never been touched the way he touches me. He always makes sure I’m well taken care of in every possible way. Enjoying every inch of him last night, I started to feel selfish. He really doesn’t let me do enough for him. He really does too much for me.

When our heart’s stopped racing and we were finally able to breath again, we talked for a bit about this. Still tangled in each other, he laughed at the idea of me feeling selfish… He feels it’s ridiculous as I spoil him but in different ways.

I jumped up to cook us Eggs, Sausage and toast. We ate it in bed, before falling back to sleep together - the way it should always be.

Perhaps that’s the way this relationship is bound to go? We can’t get enough of each other. We can’t do enough for each other. Perhaps we’ll spend eternity just giving to each other all that we have to give? And maybe that’s the way it should be? Maybe that’s what every one of my past relationships was missing? And maybe this is what’s going to keep us together…?