Forever Tainted

I talked to my son yesterday. He proudly told me he now has 3 mobile phones, “Two are LG, the other one is Nokia,” he beamed. “Mama likes Nokia best,” I tell him. To which he agrees, so does he. Like mother like son…

It’s unfortunate that since his dad gave away his last cell number, he hasn’t updated me on the new ones. And Ali can’t remember his own – not when they’re being changed all the time. I’d love to once again be able to call him directly, rather than speaking to my ex-in-laws on their house line. The conversations are always so uncomfortable. They’re great with me, I gave them their first grandson, but I’m still the girl who divorced their eldest son.

Ali’s angry with me for not being there, which makes me a little angry with myself. I wish I could be there with him. I wish that country wasn’t so plastic, full of plastic people. I wish it didn’t destroy me as it does. He’s also angry because his father tells him he’s not allowed to come here yet, “How do I get there alone, mama?” He asked me, followed by, “I can’t go all the way to Canada alone! There’s no one to take me.” I promised him the minute his dad said it was ok; I’d jump on a plane and go get him. I will keep that promise, if it costs me my job and everything else on this side of the planet.

You don’t fly to the other side of earth for a day. It’d be a month-long trip at the minimum. And it’d probably give me a chance to clean up some other messes left behind there, like my apartment, my vehicle, etc. All of that feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen these days… It all needs to be dealt with soon. I have too many un-manned assets there. And I can’t seem to get a grip on them from over here.

Anyway, when I got off the phone with him I immediately sent his father an email asking him to reconsider sending Ali out here. This morning he replied to say, “I got both your emails but I am at work. I will reply to them tomorrow.” It’s so like him to avoid uncomfortable confrontation. He doesn’t want to send our son here. He’s terrified that I’ll either keep Ali here, or Ali will choose to stay.

It scares Lars to know I may pick up any minute and leave for the other side of the planet for so long. But he knows I’ll come home to him. It feels a little like our relationship is meant to teach us both some patience in some ways. And it’s all good, because we’re learning together.

Conversations with his sister last night and his mom this morning have left me with a huge smile on my face. It’s a beautiful day. And there are many beautiful possibilities waiting for us all…