Forever Tainted

Someone to cry to…

Last night I had this overwhelming sense of loss for my mother. For the first time in the 9 months since she’s been gone, I’ve had someone to cry to…

I pulled out the memorial book I’d created for all who attended her memorial, and went through page after page of photographs of her smiling face, taken all over the world. The pictures of my mom holding a koala, sitting on an elephants trunk, petting a dolphin and deer, or swimming, laughing, playing with my son… they were followed by last words from those who loved her from near and far. The words perfectly painted what an amazing woman my mother was and what a tragic loss her death has brought not only to myself, but all of humanity. She was a great woman in many ways.

So I curled up last night I the arms of the man I know I lived my whole life to meet, and I cried. I cried about the loss, I cried about the years of pain and suffering she had to endure before she finally passed. I cried about all the fighting I’d done and how poorly I’d failed, the system failed, at saving my mother’s life. I cried because my mother will never get to meet this amazing man nor his amazing family and she will never meet the children he and I are bound to have.

And it was nice to have someone to cry to – after all these months of being alone that way. It was nice to have someone whom I know loves me to hold me, and kiss away my tears. It was nice to have someone understand my pain, and feel it with me, though he was never blessed with even a second of my mother’s time. It was nice to be loved when I couldn’t have possibly been feeling worse.

Shortly after that we curled up into bed and watch South Park until we slept.

Someone to laugh with…



Before my emotional breakdown yesterday, it was a bit of a nit-picky day – mostly because I’m PMSing and we’ve spent so much time cuddling in bed this week, I’ve ignored all other chores like cleaning the house and spending time at the gym. But by evening, as usual we had a blast. We climbed the mountain across from my house, with bubble swords in hand (to leave little a fantasy behind of course) and hiked through the trails. We found that a few kilometres away, there are sightseeing spots. We aim to make a day trip, picnic and all, of finding them soon. But last night it was almost dusk when we started. Even the photos we were able to take longed for the light!


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