Forever Tainted

I felt his lips on my cheek as I slept this morning. I heard him whisper, though I can’t recall what it was he was saying, they were certainly sweet–somethings. He slipped out of bed and into his work cloths long before I was ready to wake up at 9am. When I woke, the coffee was still warm and I the words “You’re My World” were carefully placed on top of the machine. I love his sweet reminders of how much I mean to him. I love how much he means to me. And I love that he met my father last night and they seem to get along just fine.

Much to the world’s dismay, I didn’t leave for Squamish, obviously. My sister went into my office at 4pm (knowing my shift starts at 3pm). My colleagues are harassing me about why I’m not there yet. And I think despite my boss knowing I’d be arriving tomorrow, she half hoped I’d show a day early (as I often do when scheduled to go, as a surprise). But if I go tomorrow, I get to spend one more night in his arms. And, it’ll be just one more sleep before I can pick up rice-crispy squares (I have been craving them for a week or so now!) from a very old school friend who recently purchased a house in Squamish, and promised me she’ll bring some to work on Friday for me! I really should just go to her house tomorrow before going to the office.

With my dad’s return comes stress. Money is a huge stressing factor in this house. We have renters that don’t pay rent, and assets like property and land that don’t make an income. We have my mother’s estate, the legal proceedings sucking out any reserves we may possibly have. And as we attempt to get rid of the renters, I contemplate selling my apartment in Dubai. I hate the idea of going back there – in fact; I have paranoid fears about it. What if I get caught at Customs and thrown in jail for some miniscule amount of marijuana found on my shoe because I accidentally stepped on someone’s roach here? Stranger things have happened. And I’m fairly certain it’s common for people to be busted at Dubai airport for ‘carrying’ un-useable amounts of drugs. What if my prescription drugs are illegal there, and I end up thrown in jail for them? Again, this is not an uncommon occurrence at Dubai airport.

I have other fears and anxieties about going back as well. I have fears about seeing my ex husband, fears about not wearing hijab anymore and what he’ll have to say about that when it comes to my son. I have fears about reversing all the healing I’ve managed to do since I’ve been back. The UAE is poison to me. It took 12 years to destroy who I was, who I am, and turn me into something really fucking ugly. It’s taken about 3 years, but I’m starting to fix all that. I’m putting the pieces back together and I’m able to finally live my life the way it was meant to be. That’s a huge thing to only be achieving as you approach 30-years-old. What if even a moment in Dubai tears that all down again?

I was walking dead by the time I left there. It’s a miracle I survived long enough to make it here.

Just thinking about it makes my stomach ache… And then I remember going back to Dubai would mean at least a month away from him. How to make a bad thought worse, or a little anxiety full-fledged anxiety attack! It would also mean seeing my baby boy. He alone would be worth the trip. If only I trusted it wouldn't kill me.

He’ll be home from work any time now. He’ll hug away my stresses. And perhaps point out that the chest pains I was feeling yesterday may have very well been stress and I need to stop thinking so much.