Forever Tainted

I don’t get it…

I won’t go see neither my cat nor my python because my ex’s new girlfriend has moved in with him. Not only do I have no interest in seeing her. I don’t wish to cause him or her any discomfort with my presence.

You had to come out and see me when Lars picked up his stuff. You even had to get up close and get a good look at me. Did it hurt you to see me smile with him, to hear me laugh, to see my tattoo matching his slip out from under my sleeve? Were you comparing yourself to me? Where you wondering what I have that you don’t? The answer is very simple: ’nothing’ to some, and ’everything’ to the person that matters most to me.

I cannot imagine any of those things make you feel good. And you even take it further. You have to know what I’m thinking. You have to read my blog. Day after day, entry after entry… Here you are:



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Why do you care what I have to say, think, or share here? I imagine it must kill you to read of us being happy. Are you reading word for word hoping he and I will fail together? Or are you hoping to learn something from me, from it all? Just what is it you think reading my blog is going to do for you? I am certain of one thing… it certainly isn’t healthy for you.

Do not misunderstand. It really makes no difference to me whether you read or not. It just confuses me that you do and even more so that you do it so persistently...

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Now onto things I do get…

We had a late night last night, but it was totally worth it. I missed a 7am webinar I was scheduled to attend this morning, partially because I slept through it but mostly because I keep getting the days all fucked and didn’t bother to set my alarm. I’m not used to having an actual weekend day off. I’ve had Thursday’s and Friday’s off for the past two years till recently. Suddenly getting a weekend day (Sunday) off, is a treat, but fucking confusing; a shock to the system. Luckily, the 20-minute lecture on common training mistakes wasn’t something I really, REALLY needed to take part in. In fact, my colleague who did make it, assured me I didn’t miss anything at all, really.

I have to stop doing this though.

I’m starting to feel generally worn, slower than usual; like it’s about time I took a vacation or something. I don’t dare take one at this very moment as it feels like I may be requesting a long enough one to go to Dubai soon. Thankfully, my boss understands and when I mentioned felling a lot slower, even duller than usual this afternoon, she sympathized and noted the number of changes I’m going through right now, including weaving a man into my life. I was content single… I love being taken.

As exhausted as I’m starting to feel, I’m exceptionally thankful for my schedule changes. With Lars finally working in the mornings here and me working most nights until 11pm, it felt for a short while like we get little to no quality time together despite sleeping in the same bed each night. With the changes, I get off tonight at 8pm, and then tomorrow night at 6. Then it’s my weekend. It means a few extra hours of playtime for us. Maybe we’ll use tonight’s to go swimming, or for a hike or something…?