Forever Tainted

…but first a little nostalgia:



They’re coming up near my old house at the end of this video. I lived and drove in this country for more than 10 years and I’m not dead. It’s not amazing I can manoeuvre a car better than most on this side of the planet….

Now lets talk about really good things. And because I’m in such a brilliant mood, I think I’ll do it in rainbow colours.

I spent a good portion of my morning talking to an old friend about nothing and everything. Old friends are sometimes really good things. They can be bad, and we can be in denial about that for a time, but eventually life (my life anyway) will weed out the bad and allow the good back in. At the end of the day, if you cause me more pleasure than pain, I’m going to welcome you… Because that feels right to me.

Love is a good thing. Love for yourself, love for others. I really love myself and I love those around me these days. I’m comforted in knowing I bring those near to me happiness, and a take pleasure from them just the same. We talked this morning about how boring and annoying all this ‘positive’ is bound to get, but I figure if you’re in the right frame of mind (and I believe right now I am), you just can’t get enough good.

Lars is coming home today. I can’t wait. And though I’ve not mentioned to him, I’m arranging it so that I don’t have to leave immediately after upon my father’s arrival. Hopefully, that will give the two men enough time to get to know one another; we’ll all be comfortable with him living here while I’m absent. That’s another good thing to come.

Today is a good day. And this is a good song to leave you with…

You don’t deserve credit, respect or admiration for what your parents did.

It all boils down to you being two disposable things: human sperm & a human egg – both of which are disposed of regularly; one monthly in a rush of blood, the other on the tummy or back of, down the throat of a girlfriend, a one-night-stand, fuck-buddy, rubber-doll, or prostitute as frequently as you change panties (and that’s being generous), not to mention into tissue or on bed-sheets or in some other random place.

You want respect? Earn it. Don’t expect it for what others did before you - even if you are made from what could have equally been their trash.

Reality’s a bitch, isn’t it?

MetalPSI, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there is too much good in life to ignore. I’ve found myself surrounded by good-hearted people with good-hearted wills, and I feel the difference from within my core. I believe these changes are a gift from my mom, or perhaps even from a higher power to help fill the void of losing her. I think I’m on the verge of contentment, if I’m not there already. But then, how can we ever really know for certain? (Only you would understand that doubt). I spent some time in your world today. You should write more, really. Thank you for your thoughts, for your sympathy and all the credit you’ve given me over the past year or so. Thank you most of all for your persistence. It’s good to see how much you’ve grown. I loved to read of your smile most of all… though I am not certain it’s yet complete and I read a few things that worried me. I hope you’re alright. I was determined to never talk to you again. And if history should repeat itself, I wouldn’t. But I’ve come to realize I don’t have to be the person I was yesterday, today. And I don’t have to make the same decisions over and over. It looks to me like you’ve been learning similar lessons. You were a very good friend once and it was because of that you were able to hurt me. I forgive you that pain. And though I know you forgive me without my request, do know that I'm sorry for my reaction. “Life leaves you tainted. So apt and true the saying.” As far as I'm concerned... there's nothing wrong with that. <3 Tainted Female P.S. Send an email my way with your numbers on it. I'd love to catch up.

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I have some thinking to do.
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I will get back to you.
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You. ROFLMFAO. I wonder if you could look at you, would you laugh the way you make me laugh?
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I hope deleting it was the right thing to do for you, Whore.
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And you... I just miss you. Come home to me soon.
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I give up,

I’m sorry if I hurt you. I wish neither he nor you had read that.

Hurting you guys, it’s not what I want to do. I was hurt... acting and talking out of anger caused by that pain. Venting made me feel better for a time. But now, now I just feel guilty and a whole lot of anguish for the potential turmoil I may have caused you.

We have been friends for what seems like a lifetime and to some I guess it really is. I suppose it’s human nature to take advantage of and take for granted those who are closest to us – like the housewife who saves her best China for guests only allowing her family, her emotional-life-support, to eat of the same chipped plates day after day. But then, it's really only those that are closest to us that are capable of causing such hurt... isn't it?

I wish you guys the best. I really do. But for the moment, I want nothing to do with either of you.

We’re nearing the end of the month and my father is due to return. I’ll no longer be trapped on this rock and am expected in my office on the mainland about as soon as he gets off the plane… I miss my office. I miss my sister, and my nieces and my nephew. I miss the summer life Squamish offers.

Meanwhile, Lars has a few job interviews next week here and he’s moving towards moving in permanently. The last job didn’t fall through as the guy was looking for someone to take over the company rather than just an employee. Lars didn’t have the experience in the field. The concept of him moving in was fine when it was Lars renting the room upstairs (as others do), but with him moving in as my boyfriend… it scares the hell out of me. Does he now move into the room upstairs, or does he stay in my basement suite? And where does that leave him and my father when I take off to Squish for a few weeks? What if they don’t get along (though I find it hard to believe they wouldn’t)? My father is looking to get renters the fuck out of his house just the same… Maybe we need to look into finding another place for him and I. Though I know I’m needed here. Adding a person to your life sure can complicate things.

But I am most comfortable when he is here with me and there’s nothing more I want. He went back to the mainland last night for work. I slept on the couch and my neck is still sore. He’ll be back either today, or tomorrow. I can’t wait. In the meantime:

10 things I love about you (because I can’t count either).

It’s heartbreaking really…

The way some people will burn their own bridges then blame the rest of the world (including those standing on the other side a little hurt) for starting the fire.

:(

And then you die...

I totally printed it out and made it a fridge magnet!

:)

I almost threw up last night… After work we did this:



Or at least that’s the ride we started at. By the time we were done at the fair, we had been vibrated, spun and thrown around so much both of us were on the verge of vomiting. I’d given my bubbles (that we brought along from home just for the sake of blowing off the top of the ferris-wheel) to a little girl who loved them, and Lars gave away our last ride ticket to a young man who looked like he just wasn’t done yet! We ended the evening with a Greek salad, great steak (like seriously, one of the best steaks I’ve ever had), lasagne (none for me as the crappy carb food I’ve been eating lately is making me feel yucky and cranky) and escargots, before heading home and cuddling up to sleep.

We were both plagued with disturbing dreams last night. His included me traveling to Snow Lake with him and then leaving him for a cop that pulled him over for speeding. Mine was bad, but a little more sinister and I don’t care to think about it, let alone repeat the details. Suffice it to say I was glad to wake up in his arms this morning where all was right in the world. We had our first coffee’s in bed where we cuddled up and read the OMG book for a few giggles before work.

I adore that my life is suddenly so full of giggles. Even-more-so that I’m giggling with someone I love so very much.

Someone to cry to…

Last night I had this overwhelming sense of loss for my mother. For the first time in the 9 months since she’s been gone, I’ve had someone to cry to…

I pulled out the memorial book I’d created for all who attended her memorial, and went through page after page of photographs of her smiling face, taken all over the world. The pictures of my mom holding a koala, sitting on an elephants trunk, petting a dolphin and deer, or swimming, laughing, playing with my son… they were followed by last words from those who loved her from near and far. The words perfectly painted what an amazing woman my mother was and what a tragic loss her death has brought not only to myself, but all of humanity. She was a great woman in many ways.

So I curled up last night I the arms of the man I know I lived my whole life to meet, and I cried. I cried about the loss, I cried about the years of pain and suffering she had to endure before she finally passed. I cried about all the fighting I’d done and how poorly I’d failed, the system failed, at saving my mother’s life. I cried because my mother will never get to meet this amazing man nor his amazing family and she will never meet the children he and I are bound to have.

And it was nice to have someone to cry to – after all these months of being alone that way. It was nice to have someone whom I know loves me to hold me, and kiss away my tears. It was nice to have someone understand my pain, and feel it with me, though he was never blessed with even a second of my mother’s time. It was nice to be loved when I couldn’t have possibly been feeling worse.

Shortly after that we curled up into bed and watch South Park until we slept.

Someone to laugh with…



Before my emotional breakdown yesterday, it was a bit of a nit-picky day – mostly because I’m PMSing and we’ve spent so much time cuddling in bed this week, I’ve ignored all other chores like cleaning the house and spending time at the gym. But by evening, as usual we had a blast. We climbed the mountain across from my house, with bubble swords in hand (to leave little a fantasy behind of course) and hiked through the trails. We found that a few kilometres away, there are sightseeing spots. We aim to make a day trip, picnic and all, of finding them soon. But last night it was almost dusk when we started. Even the photos we were able to take longed for the light!


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They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother. It’s no surprise then, that both his mama and I were once obsessed with ALF. For me in fact, it was a little more than an obsession. I remember my mom shooing everyone away from the TV every evening at 7:30pm, because it was my time to watch my program. I remember my ALF doll, that’s long since been lost… And now, those fond memories are strongly tied with her in her death. Last week while we were in Vancouver, his mother, Jacquie gave me her ALF doll – one that Lars had given her more than 20 years ago. At the time she gifted it to me, she had no idea how precious such a gift could possibly be to me. She said she just felt like it was time for her to pass it on, and she felt that I was the right person to give it to. It almost brought me to tears – as I’m sure you can see in the photos in that previous entry. If ever it was meant to be…

Also not surprising then, is the fact that she’s a bookkeeper. And sitting on my desk is the bookkeeping course I’ve yet to complete – and perhaps never will, but that’s beside the point. If ever it was meant to be…

Last week while we were in Vancouver waiting for the waitress to bring our dinner, I opened one of my favourite books, by one of my favourite authors and read a passage to him. Last night while I worked, he spoke to his mother on the phone and mentioned the book to her. She has the same book. When I got off work, I’d found she’d left me the very same quote on my Facebook wall. My baby then found, this:



If ever it was meant to be…

I feel as if I am complete. Everything in my life is finally falling into place… exactly where it should be. And I even got some amazing news this morning regarding my mother’s estate. It seems the most precious item my mother willed to me, is as safe as it possibly could be for the time being… Just like it was meant to be.

Yesterday’s sad-slump would have lasted me a week, if it weren’t for love. Instead, when I was finished with work, I curled up on the couch in my man’s lap and we watched the Canucks kick ass. We had a few drinks. I had a long hot shower before I made an awesome tuna casserole (which was only fair, since in the 48 hours before he’d made me blueberry pancakes from scratch, quesadilla’s from scratch and warmed chicken and wild rice soup, not to mention the countless cups of coffee he’d refilled while I was working), and we cuddled up watching the world’s most romantic movie, Natural Born Killers.

This morning we woke early so I could fill in a few extra hours at work for an employee lost. We ate a big breakfast, and then we went back to bed to cuddle. We slumbered off until I had to work again. I love waking up to his arms still wrapped around me and told him how I adored how cuddly he was. He assures me, he hasn’t always been this way. I believe him, as I don’t know that I’ve ever been this way myself. It’s funny how much like chameleons we humans are. We don’t really know ourselves until we know ourselves in the presence of others.

We are not just who we see ourselves as… But we are a combination of who see ourselves as, and who other’s see us as.

I’ve long since believed that. And with him, he is my Prince and I his Princess and we were made to reach our fullest potential together. I guess when the pieces fit, that's just the way it's meant to feel.

I feel about a billion times better today than I did yesterday.

I feel a lot like crap today.

Wish I wasn't working.

I just want to curl back into bed with my Lars.

Don't want to brush my teeth, or hair, or nothing.

I just want to be cuddled back to sleep until today is over.

I'm wearing my mommy's pink 'Feline Friends' shirt. Sometime in the middle of the night last night, or early morning this morning, I wiggled out of my baby's arms, crawled over him, pulled it out and put it on.

I'd almost have rather woken up naked. And I hate waking up naked. I don't want to take it off though.

It's Mommy's Day. I feel a lot like crap today...

"You know what's a good food? Avocados. They fucking rule. Fucking avocados. I'm so there if it's gonna be avocados, I'm there. If I can have that with avocado, I'm gonna order it with avocado. That's my way. I'm like, yes to avocado. Yes. Yes, yes.



You know what else I like? Pillows. Pillows are really great. Like if I'm lying in bed, and my head is on a pillow, I'm like, okay. Pillows are fucking awesome. If I believed in God, I would say, "Thank you, God, for pillows and avocados. Those are a couple of really good things."



And kittens. They are so fucking cute. I fucking love sweet little kittens playing with string, or giving a little "mew mew mew," or when they are sleeping. So fucking great.



And babies. They are cute too. Not as cute as kittens. But pretty cute.



I must be in a pretty good mood right now to be able to think of four things that make me happy without fucking it up with something that sucks, because I know, of course, that there are a lot of things that suck right now, but right now, in this moment, I'm thinking only about good things.



Like cake. They make vegan cake, which is great because I don't eat animal products anymore. They can even make cheesecake out of tofu, and I fucking love cheesecake, even though I don't eat it anymore. It's not actually as delicious as cheesecake, but it's pretty fucking good, so if I believed in God, I would also put in thanks for cake, babies, and kittens.



Oh yeah, and skullfucking. I really like that too."



The best weekend ever...

There are little secrets… the ones we don’t even let pass our lips, though we know they exist. Those are the secrets we are ashamed of; like wanting to see a love die with deluded hopes that they’ll now understand what we feel, or even worse, with tainted inspiration that we’ll have him back. These are the secrets we cannot embrace, so instead we lie to ourselves hoping the world won’t look too deep inside.

True love though… true love won’t crack that easily. True love uses misunderstandings, frustrations and even anger to learn and grow from. True love already has the tools to construct a perfect love. And today, we are in love deeper and truer than yesterday or the day before – no matter how many others hold hidden secrets are in their darkness.

Lars and I had our first disagreement yesterday. It hurt. I hurt. He hurt. His mom and sister hurt. The only one who seemed to think she may have somehow benefited from it is the evil that should, and now most certainly is his past – for good.

Sometimes, it just takes another perspective to make you see how your actions really do affect others, all others; instilling false hope in some, hurting the ones you love, and confusing if not frustrating others. Sometimes, the decency we are trying to perpetuate is in fact indecent after all – in this case continuing to enable the very co-dependent situation he walked away from and hurting the one he is walking to. Sometimes, the words “It’s not about you,” really need to mean, “it’s not about you” and not just used when you’re being a psycho bitch. And I think we’ve made good on all that.

I woke up this morning to sunshine in my heart and soul, and coincidently out the window as well. It’s a beautiful day for a ferry ride, though we’re not certain as to whether it will be him jumping on it, or me? Doesn’t matter, as we’ll be in each other’s arms by dusk. And that’s exactly where we should be.

I love you. And you love me too.
And we both know it’s forever.

As technology helps the world gets smaller and cultures start to mush together, why isn’t there more cultural give and take taking place? The wrongs with the west are what killed my mother. The wrongs with the west are what have broken so many families, so many people here emotionally and psychologically. And even as our world shrinks and more effective ways of living life are being seen, the wrongs with the west are wrongs the west is blind to. The rights when seen, are even mocked and ridiculed.

I believe in so much that this Canadian culture will never grasp. I hold values so close to my heart that I cannot wavier for even the strongest influence. And yet when I go back to my desert home, the same holds true there.

Will I ever find a place where I belong? Or am I eternally lost?

'You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?'

You’re fucking poison bitch.
Just die already. Slit your fucking wrists or something.

I talked to my son yesterday. He proudly told me he now has 3 mobile phones, “Two are LG, the other one is Nokia,” he beamed. “Mama likes Nokia best,” I tell him. To which he agrees, so does he. Like mother like son…

It’s unfortunate that since his dad gave away his last cell number, he hasn’t updated me on the new ones. And Ali can’t remember his own – not when they’re being changed all the time. I’d love to once again be able to call him directly, rather than speaking to my ex-in-laws on their house line. The conversations are always so uncomfortable. They’re great with me, I gave them their first grandson, but I’m still the girl who divorced their eldest son.

Ali’s angry with me for not being there, which makes me a little angry with myself. I wish I could be there with him. I wish that country wasn’t so plastic, full of plastic people. I wish it didn’t destroy me as it does. He’s also angry because his father tells him he’s not allowed to come here yet, “How do I get there alone, mama?” He asked me, followed by, “I can’t go all the way to Canada alone! There’s no one to take me.” I promised him the minute his dad said it was ok; I’d jump on a plane and go get him. I will keep that promise, if it costs me my job and everything else on this side of the planet.

You don’t fly to the other side of earth for a day. It’d be a month-long trip at the minimum. And it’d probably give me a chance to clean up some other messes left behind there, like my apartment, my vehicle, etc. All of that feels like a catastrophe waiting to happen these days… It all needs to be dealt with soon. I have too many un-manned assets there. And I can’t seem to get a grip on them from over here.

Anyway, when I got off the phone with him I immediately sent his father an email asking him to reconsider sending Ali out here. This morning he replied to say, “I got both your emails but I am at work. I will reply to them tomorrow.” It’s so like him to avoid uncomfortable confrontation. He doesn’t want to send our son here. He’s terrified that I’ll either keep Ali here, or Ali will choose to stay.

It scares Lars to know I may pick up any minute and leave for the other side of the planet for so long. But he knows I’ll come home to him. It feels a little like our relationship is meant to teach us both some patience in some ways. And it’s all good, because we’re learning together.

Conversations with his sister last night and his mom this morning have left me with a huge smile on my face. It’s a beautiful day. And there are many beautiful possibilities waiting for us all…

1. My bed is warmer with you in it. This saves money on heating bills and my back from sleeping on the couch.
2. You froze the chilli in containers made for two or more. Now when I thaw one to eat it, I end up wasting most of it, because I cannot eat the whole thing. Waste is bad.
3. I cannot drink an entire bottle of vitamin water without you. My fridge is going to be cluttered with half-full bottles. That will drive me insane; you don’t want a crazy girl - we bite.
4. The second towel rack in my bathroom has nothing on it… It just looks bare, unbalanced. The Feng Shui Gods will punish us. Can't have that.
5. I can’t reach the stuff in the cupboard on top of the fridge and though I can’t remember what’s in it, I’m certain I need that stuff right now. NOW!
6. Your Pjs are clean and folded with mine. Seeing them paired up, with other jammies without legs in them makes me sad AND jealous. They are not living to their full potential, but at least they have each other!
7. Snowpus hasn’t had anything black to make white in a while. She’s getting fidgety.
8. My superiority stamp looks like crap when it’s not next to yours. They were made to be together.
9. I can’t reach the arch of my back to wash it properly. That stupid brush doesn’t clean as good as your hands do. I'm dirty without you.
10. I miss you – ‘nuff said.
11. When you’re here, I don’t have time to think enough to write stupid lists. Time is money and less time wasted somehow means more money! Everyone likes more money!
12. It hurts when you’re far – both me and you. Hurting is bad.
13. The door upstairs is squeaky – I can’t reach to put WD40 in it.
14. I miss you. It’s my list, I can say it twice if I want to.
15. I love you. Heart, Mind, and Soul. And the world just doesn’t feel ‘right’ without you. You should come fix my wrongs.

In one of the blog entries I’ve since made private, I mentioned hating feminists. I don’t really hate feminists and I certainly believe in equal rights between men and women. I hate today’s feminist women, who believe in de-pantsing today’s men and turning them into the weaker, meaker sex. Do you know how hard it is to actually find a real man these days because of it? I’ve been blessed to finally find mine…

I hate the feminists that believe being a stay-at-home-mom, who takes care of the children and the household while her husband works to support them financially, is a lesser woman. Don’t get my wrong; this doesn’t include women who can’t really afford, emotionally nor financially, to stay at home. A real woman takes care of what she can when she can and she doesn't expect someone else to do it offering nothing in return. It doesn’t include single welfare mom’s who just keep popping babies expecting my tax dollars to pay their way through life, spending any extra cash they get on frivolous things like booze, toys or tattoos, while their babies don’t even have milk or diapers... Those women are just, well… trash.

I hate the movement that made it impossible for most households to survive on a single income, and forced most homes with children to become double income. I’m an intelligent woman, who can certainly take care of herself. I have a great career. But if I want to dedicate my time to raising my babies, and taking care of my man by making sure he’s fed as best as I possibly can, and that his clothing are just a little cleaner, tidier than his buddies at work, and that he is sexually satisfied, having a woman at home who is more than happy spending an entire day preparing herself to become his sex-kitten at night, rather than slaving away for the dollar while my kids minds rot in daycare and my man wears clothing straight from the dryer, and we all eat food from a box or can, and our sex lives are almost nonexistent because we’re so fucking exhausted from work, then it should be my God-given right and I should be able to do just that. And perhaps most-importantly of all I should be respected for that choice…

But today’s feminists… Many of them anyway, as far as I’m concerned, made that simply impossible. And those are the feminists I hate; the feminists who took away my right to be a woman.

I lied. I don't hate true feminists. Not the ones who are fighting for equal rights. I hate the bitches who sincerely think women should rule the earth and double standards should be applied in favor of women and their sentiments. If a man can smack a man's ass at the office and nothing's said about it... the same man should be able to smack a woman's ass and she shouldn't allow her emotions to get in the way of that, calling it sexual harassment while expecting equal treatment!

For the first time since I can remember I’ve hidden a few blog entries tonight. Sometimes, I wish there was a ‘block’ on these things so I could block certain people from reading certain thoughts of mine.

For a little bit tonight, I let my anger and disgust take over. It reminded me a lot of the me who started blogging, so very long ago… There’s so little left of her it’s like a long lost, almost forgotten part of me coming around again, for an uninvited visit.

I’m allowed to think my evil thoughts about evil people and their evil actions. I’m even allowed to write them down. But I know she reads my blog. And I don’t need to spread such hate. That simply makes me just as evil. No good can come of it and she hates herself enough already – with good reason.

I write for me. And I’ll continue to do so. I think I’ll just have to make better use of private entries in the future… Let her learn her lessons on her own. And I’ll continue to learn mine.

And off you go again. Leaving behind diamonds and an unspoken promise of forever. My whole life has lead up until the moment I met you. And I miss you when you’re gone. I know you’ll be back soon…

Without you, I was able to go to the salon and get my nails done. I promised the girls there, I’d bring you next time. They promised they’d talk you into getting a pedicure. I’m sure you’ll do it. And I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. No polish though – polish would make you a metro man. I like you just… Man.

And what a man you are!

Our midnight mingling, awoken by your lips on my neck, so quickly we melted into one another, followed by this mornings’ tumble, you making everything feel like it’s my first… you make it so hard for me to let you go… even for a short while.

I love you, you know. Come back to me soon.

20 years ago his mother moved in with her current love after knowing him only a month. They are still as madly in love today as they were way back then. She tells me they still giggle. They grew together, changed together. I’m certain that’s one of the reasons she is so for my Lars and I, already. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she’s already hinting at hopes of him and I having children. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she believes her son has found his ‘one’, and I have found mine in him.

Besides… I schooled him at chess…

Today is his 1st day at his new job here, on the island. Or rather, today is his interview day. Though there’s no reason at all to think he won’t get the job. He’s strong, he’s dedicated, and he’s a hard worker. We are going to build a future together, step-by-step. We’ll accomplish much together, I’m sure.

In order to build a future, we must first come to terms and make sense of our past. And he has a past – though I certainly spend more time thinking about it than he does. He feels he spent enough time trying to make sense of it without success. He has come to terms with that – while for me; it’s just an anomaly. And anomalies amuse me to no end. They always have and always will.

Life is ever changing and always staying the same. And while she will never thank us for removing her from the cloud that he and I are falling into, we know today we did what was best... for her and for us. She will never realize that today, she cries less for him because she is not able to witness what he and I and all those around us are becoming together. I see it though. Her words no longer surround him. Her thoughts are no longer on me being with him. She is finally allowing herself to move on - if only on the surface of her soul, the subconscious will follow. She can do so because… She is no longer privy to seeing what he gives me so freely and was unable to give her. I sincerely hope she never regrets the permanent symbols she’s married herself to, while screaming about their independence; her subconscious knows all too well, they are tied to him in every way. When she realizes through and through that he has let go, I hope she learns to let go too.

And we are better off as we are no longer made to feel guilt for our love-struck actions and we are free to know they have nothing to do with her. We dance together, scream one another’s names at the top of our lungs and share our love so freely, so openly that those around us are in love with our love & happiness. And there is no one to accuse, we’re doing it out of spite for her. There are no irrational, immature outbursts of veiled hate, or seething jealousy, grotesquely costumed with a broken innocence or pure intentions.

The best told lies are the ones we tell ourselves, and believe. And she sincerely believes she’s pure.

Now… There is only love in our lives.

And he and I can sincerely hope she learns to live with her, moves on and finds in someone else, what we have found in each other.

Check mate…

Waking up without you is like waking up empty.

I should be cautious. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is. Not with you. With you, I can’t imagine it. I can however, see us growing up, growing old, getting married and even making babies one day…

You always have the right thing to say. And when I told you I’d never make that whole marriage mistake again, you told me it would be no mistake. When you told me you loved me and I rejected the use of such a huge word, you told me it was a word you did not use lightly. And I know that’s true – but I do not want to believe... When I asked how you knew your emotions weren’t lying to you, you reminded me of how well you know yourself. And I believe you do.

I don’t know everything there is to know about you, but I know I’m in love with you too. I just refuse to bring those words to my lips, should you hear… it might be the induction of my heart’s demise. I have been deceived by my very own heart before...

Where have you been my entire life? And how is it any one person fits another like a glove and seemingly fits no one else just right? Who tailored us for one another? And why did we have to spend so many years attempting and failing with others? Why did I have to be just this jaded for you to find me and pull all my pieces together? And why is it, you seem to know exactly where everything goes?

It’s just right. It’s all just right. I fell into your mother and your sister like they were family of my own. Such instantaneous love all around. Never before have virtual strangers been able to bring me so close to tears of joy, nor have I shared such whole-hearted laughter. They’re right.

It’s as close to perfection as I could ever hope to be. Except… you live too far away. And I know we’re in the process of changing that. It just feels so soon, so sudden, so rushed… but so very right. And so very much meant to be because… waking up without you is like waking up empty.

Choose to embrace all the pain, the hurt, the ugly, the untrue, and the negative will completely consume you.

Open your eyes and see. Your life is not up to me. Nor him. Nor them over there. It is all, every little bit of it, completely up to you.

If you want to be happy… Be happy. And it really is that simple…

…if you want it to be.

If getting there means crossing boarders and moving miles away from this place and closer to those you love, then go. If staying put is what your heart needs to heal, then do just that. But learn to take control of you. Your very own subconscious is screaming this at you, begging you too. Why do you refuse to listen?

There is not a place, physically, psychologically, nor emotionally too far out of reach for you – if only you knew. Happiness could and would consume you...

...Too.

‘I can’t even hate you. And I honestly, truly want to. I never thought I’d find myself actually welcoming someone into my heart as I do you. I thought I was too broken to even know how to love anymore. The fact that I have no control… I know it’s real. I’m just too scared to admit it.’

‘I think you just did… And I love you for it :]’

~*~

‘I have been on this planet 32 years… I know what I am… who I am… and that no one has ever completed me… Some came close, even made me happy for a time. But… 3 years after I was born, my match was brought into this world… And it took 26 years to grow into each other’s paths. :) I’m glad I found you… Most people don’t get to. :]’

~*~

So quickly you've become my world. So true you make me feel. And no matter how many times you may have uttered similar words in the past, I know by the way you look at me you're telling no lies. I know by the way your hands feel on my skin and in my hair as you whisper words of conviction in my ear, that we're going to grow old together, just as you assure.

So tonight I meet both your mom and sister. I'm armed with banana bread and fridge magnets of their favorite photos that you and I made together. I know I'll love them both, and I'm certain that they will love me. Everything about this feels so right. Finally...

My whole life I've wondered when it's going to be my turn; when God would give me the break I so truly deserve, after sacrificing so much of me for so long to both deserving and those who were not. It finally feels like my turn has come. And I refuse to let that pass without recognition. el7emdullah rab illa alameen. I wish my mama were alive to meet and fall in love with you too. I know she's looking down on us and smiling... And I know she knows, you're going to take care of her little girl.

~*~

'I know we will work out babe. Somethings don't fall into place as easy as others... but all in all, we will be together. :] Hardship makes most things more enjoyable in the end. Things that come easily, usually go easy. Like I said before, I love that I have to cross an ocean for you... For your heart of gold.'

~*~



~*~

'Makes me feel honored I have a woman worth that much to me... This early in a relationship, it is a good thing. I know I don't want to leave you now but the time I spend travilling gives me an opportunity to be sure what I am feeling for you. I know there is a lot to learn from and about each other... Can't wait to wake up to your gorgeous green eyes all the time.'

~*~

How do I not fall in love with you?

I like being a toy. People play with toys. People love to play. Love makes people smile. I smile when I make people smile. Toys are good.

Betcha wish you were a toy too, dontcha?

You told me I complete you and though I’ve not uttered the words, you complete me too.



I watch as your relationships broken between blood are now mended, and I smile as I feel you closer to whole. I love that you’ve found peace with your mom and are finding the same with your sister. I love that in so many words you’ve declared your love for me and so have they. I love that your mother confides in me that she doesn’t recall ever seeing you so happy as this confirms what I already know is true. I was meant for you, and you for me. I love that we’re falling in love and there’s nothing the envious can do – though they try at their own demise.



I think I have found forever in you. And I think you know it too.

I wish there was a life leave; we could take while we fall into one another. Someone else would worry about the dishes, the laundry and whether or not the pets were fed. And you and I could just be, alone in our heads – together.

What matters…

I miss you Zorana.

I ran alone tonight. I ran hard. I ran from what I was feeling. I ran to cleanse. I ran until I felt a jinnie (Authu bi Allah min ashaytan ir regime) behind me. I saw his shadow, shorter than myself, running beside me. I gasped. My heart raced, and I started to panic. I spun and ran as hard as I could towards the light. And you flashed in my mind. I saw you seething, not breathing as you growled in my direction. I watched your eyes roll back into your head, before finally your face softened and you whimpered my name. I heard the thunder of his chanting holy words. I saw myself run towards you and heard my husband and the Mullah yell at me simultaneously to leave you crying on my livingroom floor – because it wasn’t really you at all.

And for a moment tonight, I felt foolish as if I didn’t believe my own story. But I know it was true. I know it happened. I saw it with my own eyes. And I know for a moment tonight, I was at risk myself.

I miss you Zorana. I love you terribly and wish you were with me at nights like tonight.

The third, unintentional, unknown to you. And perhaps she is the most precious of all. I asked if the first symbolized death, you laughed in my face and assured me it was not so, “Not this one my dear, not this one at all!” The second rose was a little closer to a lovers dozen. I smiled. You’d given me a symbol for each visit. I miss you already.



The third may be torn between loving and loathing without control, may wish an end instead of a start, and the past to present from time to time. And so much like a younger me, I know this animosity. I’m sorry. It gets better. Time heals… and so many other clichéd things to say run through my mind. But the truth is, I know nothing I could say will take away your pain. And I wouldn’t, not even if I could.

You’re so very strong. You’re so very true. You’re so very raw and so very much you. And there are lessons to be learned about unrequited love, and broken hearts with hands waiting to heal them in your shadows. There is so much more than your eyes let you see, and soon enough someone will see… in you, what he sees in me.

But the lesson I learned (many years beyond your age), was another cliché, that I had to love me. And to love yourself, you need time alone, no man, no lover, no tainted thoughts but your own. Learn about you and how you decide your own fate, learn about love and its vast estate - waiting for you to embrace it if only you knew how. There’s a difference between love and dependency, realizing this… is the major difference between you and me. And this pain you feel, is a tool you cannot yet see, in teaching you true independency.

I wish you true love, and faith and so very much more. But after so many lost years, it’s finally my turn, and I will let this love sore, if that’s how high I’m finally meant to be.

It’s hard to believe I met you less than 24 hours ago.

You gave me butterflies, taking my hand into yours just minutes before our breakfasts were served. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt a fluttering like wings in my tummy. Pulling my hands away, I’ve never felt food so invasive in my life.

You made me feel for a moment like young love, captivated by a crush, lost in the rush of such innocent courting.

For hours we lay together, slumbered in one another’s arms like old friends, new lovers, or somewhere in between. How comfortable I am with you – even if only for a day.

You pulled away too soon. You live too far.

I am…

…not surprised that you took that which you did not pay for. Even your psuedo-intellect is fantastic, why should your morals not be?

From cow to plastic you stole and even my brother, your equal (though you see it not) is not surprised (and you would not neither, if you were he!).

You see not like the rest of us… and may you never see it our way.

As I fear the humiliation of being you would kill you without question.

How much you must hate yourself not to see.