Forever Tainted

I’m so very excited.  I built chrystals.ca from scratch.  Aside from the blog, which isn’t up and running yet, it’s fully functional.  Next, I’ll build the office website, then one for Lars’ sister, and perhaps even one for Lars and his freelancing.

I’ve been thinking about doing a memorial site for my mom; decorate it in all the things she liked (cats and bright pinky-type colors), do a memorial album of all her photos, maybe a guest book, or comment box where people can leave memories, thoughts or tributes, perhaps even link the few sites she frequented online (yahoo crib & hotmail, mainly)!

I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately.  I know she’d be proud of how much I’m learning and how much I simply don’t suck at it.  My mom was always good for taking pride in the things I do.  She’s the reason I am what I am today.  I’ll forever love her for that.

Anyway, I’m proud to announce that Poison hasn’t been back here since she read that last entry of mine.  It makes me more comfortable in saying what I want in my blog – not having to think about her peering in, consistently wishing, hoping, willing for the worst for Lars and I.

And we are doing really well these days.  We’re both healing still over our last ordeal, things are falling back into place they way they should.  Being busy seems to work all right for us too: each always looking out for the other’s needs.

So there’s not much else to report really…

Life is good.  Busy, but good.

And… I’ll wear that title with pride.  In fact, I probably should have worn is long before he defined it so blatantly for us all.  In addition (and perhaps to emphasize it a little), I’ll brag a little about some recent extreme pleasures I’ve found and purchased:

I’m giddy about a new gadget I recently aquired, ecstatic about my CS5.5 Design Premium Software which arrived in the mail yesterday.  I am absolutely, freaking thrilled that I am gaining the knowledge I need to put these things to good use from my course.

Now, with all these things to play with, it’s no surprise I haven’t had a lot of time to explain much here.  I imagine that last entry of mine is rather confusing to most of you – not so much to Lars’ ex, whom it was directed at.  You see, like every geek, I like to know what’s happening with my webpages.  And like every geek should, I have a number of trackers on my blog that allow me the information of knowing who is looking at my blog how long you spend here and how often.  I’m sure that’s shocking to some of you.

I go to my tracker and take this little number from your visit (I’ve blackened it out in this screen shot as to preserve some privacy):

With that little number, I’m able to pull up other very useful information like your exact Latitude and Longitude:

And within a matter of moment or two, I’m able to pull up an approximate location, satellite photos and all:

If I had a little more time and bothered to play I could probably narrow this down and confirm the exact location of the persons viewing my blog in less than an hour.  I don’t have that time right now, as I need to run off to school… But trust me when I say this is fully possible and with that information it’s not hard to find out the exact person (with the help of social networking sites and online directories). By the way, if you weren’t aware the internet was this transparent, please take it as a lesson and know you are never anonymous here!

Most of the time this information is innocent enough when in the right hands. It allows me the chance to brace for things (for example the ability to warn my father when I know he’s about to hear something from someone else he should probably hear from me first).  It allows me to know with certainty Lars ex spends more time in my blog than I do.  That first image above is a shot of her recent visits.  It looks a lot like an obsession to me.  It also allowed me the ability to see she kept coming back hoping for more comment on her comment, but failed to see Lars responses – so I directed her there. That's it, confusion all made clear and all is transparent at silltainted, again!

Now that I’ve cleared all that up, I really must run to school. Learning is important.  This is just one of the many  reasons why!

I read yesterday morning that the Official Scrabble Dictionary has published a new addition that includes words like ‘grrl’, ‘thang’ and ‘innit’ (short for ‘isn’t it’).  These are in addition to common Hindi words for food, and names of street drugs.  My prediction is that it won’t be long for Oxford and Miriam Webster to follow suite and add such common slang to their official books.

We are witnessing the evolution, a crucial turning point in the English language.  Those of us who truly love the language as we know it, mock those who try to shorten if with abbreviations like, “U’ or even “H8”, and those who badger it in every day use with slang like “grrl” or “thang”.  We forget that Shakespearean speakers once ridiculed our own current beloved vocabulary, as we ridicule this evolution today.

Perhaps there’s a lesson in accepting change in here somewhere?  It’s a thought to ponder.  But for now, and until I find it, I’m still going to consider shortening the word ‘you’ with ‘u’ as lazy and uneducated.  I’m stubborn that way.

“I feel like crying,” I said as we walked into the kitchen.  And before the words were out of my mouth I choked up, my eyes filled with tears and my knees went weak.  I fell into Lars’ arms and just sobbed against his chest for a bit.

Mother’s Day is hard for me. 

My mom’s dead.  I have no mom to spoil. My son is a world away from me. Most people forget I’m a mom at all – let alone spoil me.  And I don’t even know that I deserve to be spoiled, anyway.

Lars didn’t even wish me a good day today.  And when I mentioned it, the significance of this day for me half way through the day, he responded with the reality, ’I didn’t think of it like that’.  I’m not angry at him at all about this.  It’s just how it is… Not many think of it like that.

I wonder how my brother’s doing today. I imagine the repeated reminders that our mom is no more, are eating him alive right now.  And he seems to take this truth the hardest.  He was her baby after all…

My ex-husband sent me photos of our son, a video too.  He’s growing so much and he’s so very beautiful.  I miss him.  And sometimes I wonder if I’m getting any closer to going back there to be with him, or if he’s any closer to coming here to be with me.  The thought fills me with more hope than I could ever describe.  I don’t even know if he’d like me today but I know I love him and want nothing more than to be with him.  It’s been years too long now. And I can still hear his cries as we said our last goodbye – him not understanding at all just what my trip would mean.  It was so unfair to him; so necessary, but so very unfair.

This is life I suppose.

And along with that cry, I can still hear his laugh as he did when I whispered repeatedly in his ear that I loved him.  My bangs are still a little shorter than the rest of my hair, from him grasping it in his sleep, pulling it out, as an infant dreaming.

And those are good thoughts.

So… Happy Mommy’s Day to all the good mommy’s out there.  I’m going to spend the rest of my evening cuddled on the couch with a movie Lars picked up for me today.  I'm so very lucky to have him.

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately.  I’ve dreamt about my mom about my son, about the bloody neighbours, even.  In fact, my brain activity has been going nuts as through my schooling, I’ve found another, digital way to express emotion.  I’ve always written, painted, drawn.  Now, I can do it all electronically, which only offers a larger, more elaborate paint board with multiple mediums for me to play with.

Here are some pieces I’ve created through tutorials and school:

Each of these manipulations can take a few hours to complete, but with such beautiful end results, they are totally worth it:

Why the hell is the UAE blog world so quiet about it? I was expecting thought-provoking posts among at least one of my favourite UAE blogs, Life in Dubai, UAEian, or Buj Al Arab but no; not even is there mention of it in The UAE Community Blog.

I’m amazed, about as amazed as I am startled by this news. 

I feel.  And I don’t know what it is I feel about it. 

I’m sad, yet I am not saddened by his execution.  I believe in the death penalty for murders and there is no doubt Osama Bin Laden was a murderer.  He was a mass murderer of Atheists, Christians and Mulsims alike.  He deserved to die.  But to hear the American soldiers ‘took custody’ of his body and that he was buried at sea (such pretty words for his remains were tossed thoughtlessly into the middle of the ocean and he was denied any form of humane burial) disgusts me at my core.

His punishment was his death.  The world is a safer place without him. 

But abusing his remains and cheering about his demise is for the sake of the living.  What disgusting people we are to laugh at and dance like mad-mobs in the face of death – anyone’s death.  Those who lost loved ones at Osama’s hands will not be dancing today – they’ll feel a possible form of closure and no doubt rekindled pain because even Osama’s death cannot bring back the lives he took.

Osama’s execution is indeed a great step towards anti-terrorism; a great accomplishment that will mark our future.  But it also proves human beings are disgusting things.

I read this quote on Facebook today, fake or not, so very apt it is:

International news and disgraceful human beings aside, life keeps me busy (in such a fantastic way, I’m loving my course!), my body is still adjusting to the changes (and my new-no-time diet), and Lars and I are well.  We’re making time for tea time every-single-day, whether it be breakfast on the patio, a few minutes on the couches in a dark room late at night, or lunch at the Chinese place near my school because we won’t fit in a few minutes throughout the day otherwise, we squeeze it in and make it work.  We are sincerely happy.

We’re in love with our new tenants (what wonderful people they seem to be!) and life overall is pretty darn good – so I won’t complain too much, even if people in general suck right now.