Forever Tainted

Please update your links to http://chrystals.ca/journals

;)

I might delete this blog. I don't have time for it anymore.

With everything else that’s been going on I imagine many of you thought I’d simply forgotten and forgiven Virgin Mobile Canada their atrocities. This is not true at all. In fact, I filed a formal complaint through the CCTS (Commissioner for Complaints for Telecommunications Services) which they responded to on February 20th as valid. Virgin was given 30 days to respond. Here’s how the conversation went:

To Whom It May Concern,


Virgin Mobile most definitely apologizes for any confusion surrounding the invoicing and cancellation of an account! We strive to provide the best service to all our members,


On September 2011, Ms ***** opened account 51858**** for a data stick, separate from her already existing mobile phone account numbered 51488****.

Following 2 months of non payment to this new account, the account was suspended for non payment and on December 3rd, 2011, the account was paid in full and requested by Ms ***** to be moved into her existing account upon reactivation (moved to account 51488****).

This action was performed, however, with the reactivation of service from non payment, a reactivation fee was charged to the account, as per the terms and conditions of service. This amount again remained unpaid and Virgin Mobile began to reach out to advise of this and avoid collections proceedings on this amount. In February 2012, Ms ***** reached out to Virgin Mobile via email and social media to dispute the fee, and Virgin Mobile, in good faith, credited this amount and ensured no notification on Ms ***** credit file to resolve the complaint.


Ms ***** believes that, despite the fee being valid for the non payment of her data stick account and the action taken to resolve the dispute, that this entitles her to cancellation of her mobile phone account without fee. While Virgin Mobile most definitely apologizes for any misunderstanding or confusion, it is the view of the TSP that as the two accounts were separate and the charges were in fact valid—which have been credited in goodwill— a cancellation of the initial account (51488****, activated May 2010) still holds the valid cancellation fees as per the terms and conditions of service. As Ms ***** has chosen to port her number to another provider by her own decision, prior to completing her agreement after Virgin Mobile resolved the complaint with a goodwill credit towards the disputed charges from account 51858****, these termination fees will require payment on the final invoice.

Again, Virgin Mobile does and has apologized for any confusion or misunderstanding with the accounts, and regrets that the complaint remains unresolved in Ms ***** ‘s opinion. As all action taken was appropriate for any disputed charges, it is the view of the TSP that no further investigation is required.


We appreciate your time and patience, and again, our sincerest apologies for any confusion,


Virgin Mobile

Bullshit. Pure Bullshit.

Here’s my response(s) (after I responded the first time, I found ANOTHER screw up they made on my account, if you can believe it!) These are typing errors and all, as I was LIVID while writing them:

This is neither an acceptable response nor a resolution – as you are still not keeping accurate record of my account:

“As Ms ***** has chosen to port her number to another provider by her own decision, prior to completing her agreement after Virgin Mobile resolved the complaint with a goodwill credit towards the disputed charges from account 51858****, these termination fees will require payment on the final invoice.”

The only phone I had on contract with you was my BB (250*********), that number is still active with Virgin and is still being paid at the minimum amount. It is switched off and I am not using it and I have cancelled my talk plan, as I did purchase a new phone number from Koodo - but I am still paying the Blackberry Bundle that my contract with Virgin demands.

In September 2011 when I purchased the internet stick, I advised your sales representative that I already had a Virgin account and was told the internet stick would be added to it. I did NOT authorize a new account being created nor was I advised of this happening – this is all the doing of your representative.

The internet stick went unpaid for 2 months because you guys never billed me for it. In November 2011, I went into your kiosk at Mayfair Mall to ask about it and was only then made aware of the two accounts you had created. I was told by the employee in your kiosk that after paying the complete internet stick bill it would be combined with my original account and this issue would be taken care of. I paid all fees owing immediately and have ever since been paying the internet stick fees with my regular bill, most often in advance! How am I now being held responsible for disconnection fees (you have so kindly since waved) for your mistake and your inability to actually bill me for a product for 2 months? At the same time as sorting this internet stick event out, I purchased a new cell phone (without a tab, and without a contract) and telephone number for my father: 778********. The next day, I got a letter form you in the mail threatening my credit and saying I owed $72 for the internet stick. You can mail your threatening credit letters but you can’t mail or email even an actual bill so I’m aware of the double account situation?

I have since cancelled the internet stick – which I am fine with paying the remaining tab amount owing for. I ported out my father’s cell phone number 778******* at the onset of this event. My original Blackberry number 250******* (which holds the contact you speak of on the original account) is still active with Virgin, and I am still paying the minimum monthly data payment for this as per contract. I have attached a screen shot of what is showing as my current plan with Virgin.

Now you are telling me you want me to pay penalties for this as well? I ported a telephone number away from Virgin that had no contract. The telephone number that has the contract is still with you.

You guys can’t even keep your account records straight enough to realize when I AM STILL KEEPING TO MY CONTRACT AGAINST MY WILL. You are constantly threatening me and my good credit rating, while screwing up the details of my account with you.

I believe this is more than sufficient reasoning for you to cancel any and all accounts you have created in my name, and not hold me to your contract penalties. If you did keep abusing me, I wouldn’t be so terrified to use your services I have to go elsewhere! Your apologies are not enough. I should not be forced to deal with you, or penalized anymore for your mistake.

I would really appreciate a more reasonable resolution that doesn't include me having to deal with a company that I cannot trust here.

And my second response:

As I was about to log out of my Virgin account I see that you guys HAVE cancelled my BB Plan stating "As requested to be removed on March 31, 2012". I've attached the same I would like to see proof of where and when I removed this service - a recorded telephone call, a letter please. I did NOT ask you to cancel this, but ONLY my talk and text plan. I did NOT port this telephone number out as you say below.

I don't know if it's even possible for you guys to further mess up a paying client's account! How is it you are STILL trying to penalize me for your consistent mistakes?

Seriously, if you’re thinking about signing up with Virgin, get tested as they WONT STOP FUCKING YOU! If you ARE already signed up with Virgin and they are fucking you too, I HIGHLY suggest you contact the CCTS!

To read all about how Virgin keeps assaulting me, click here

Translated to English ‘Striking Happiness’ is the meaning of ‘Tareq Saade’, his father explained at his memorial. All these years I never knew and I never thought to ask. As his father left the states for his home in the UAE he left a note on Tareq’s Facebook memorial wall and in closing said, “May his Striking Happiness bug infect you all with permanent joy. This has been his life long wish and it will live forever.”

I believe this to be true.

I hope not to waste a minute of my life being anything but joyful. With that being said, changes, some long over due changes are in the air. When you don’t love what you’re doing, you tend to not want to bother putting your heart into it anymore. Then you realize there really is no point in doing it at all anymore. And love can be a fragile thing it turns out – sometimes all it takes is a single blow to destroy. If I had to put my finger on it, I’d say that irreparable blow came just under a month ago now.

I met with the ESS (Emergency Social Service) coordinator today. I’ve submitted my applications and my identification for a criminal record check. I’ve filled out my forms and I am on my way to becoming an active volunteer in my community. From there, I hope to move on to Communications and then Search and Rescue. I can hear Tareq’s encouragement along the way…

I’ve applied for some other life altering events, however I’m not going to discuss just yet out of fear of jinxing them! Until then, just know that I’m aiming for ‘Striking Happiness’.

SAY (Suicide Awareness for Youth) responded to my application. Because of my recent loss of Tareq, they won’t allow me to volunteer just yet. Apparently I have to wait a year. I can understand this, even if it sucks. I’m strong enough to do this. I know many aren’t. So I will reregister again.

Emergency Response responded too. I’ll set up an interview with them tomorrow and see if they have such a policy. It’s crossed my mind to lie about my recent loss, as I know they’re going to ask, but I can’t do that. It just feels dirty. I’m going into this, into every commitment I make, whole-heartedly and with only honesty.

I woke up to a full-fledged snow storm today. Here’s what it looked like this morning as I reached my office:



Clumps of snow the size of twoonies fell from the sky. By the time my day was over, the sun was shining, the snow melted off the roads and most of the sidewalk. I arrived home just before 7pm. I’m glad to be here, with Lars and my father and all our pets. I look forward to sleeping in my new bed.

It's been a week and a day now Tareq.  My heart still aches at the void born to humanity at your passing. I think of you constantly, perhaps just a little bit more than I did while you were still breathing. You were always in my heart. Your  name ran across my lips so often that your passing was much a loss for those I work and live with, though you never met.

Each encounter we ever had was like yesterday. I was shocked to read through our old emails and realize its been almost a year since we'd had a real chat of sorts. I thought it was just recently we were planning to meet at the Sun Run but a closer look proves those were last years plans, that fell through. The Sun Run is around the corner again and I missed you. I have learned from this.

I have reached out to those I love and let them know it, and I've made a promise to myself that I'll keep on doing so and more frequently. I want to leave each encounter knowing I was there, engaged, loving each breath with my company as you lived and loved each and every one of yours. I have tried to enter each encounter this week with love in mind and upon my lips.  It is my intention to forever now do so.

I've taken steps towards all those things you encouraged me (and so many others) to do. I have submitted my application form to volunteer  with the Suicide Awareness for Youth. Training starts this fall. I've contacted our Saanich Emergency Response. I am waiting a reply on how to get involved. I called Red Cross Canada and will volunteer with them as well.  

In yoga, this past week, I have accomplished things I did not want and would not have tried without you in mind. I'm thankful I did.

Your lessons weren't taught in vain, old friend. I am just one person. There are hundreds if not thousands you've  touched, each of whom you've encouraged to be a better person in some way.  How many of us have taken those first steps, only since you left us? How long might we have waited, if you were still here to be brilliant for us? Perhaps we'd end up taking our own last breath without allowing ourselves the opportunity to make ourselves just a little bit greater too? Without your life, without your death, we may not have ever known we had it in us to reflect even a little bit of you. Thank you. Thank you Tareq, for you and for all that you've given me and others. We will carry you with us always.

Where are my words and why does it matter that I cannot find them now? You are not here to hear them.

I thought to call you last week for some puzzle I was faced with, but opted out of disturbing you with such a trivial thing. I wish I'd instead taken a moment to dial your number just to say 'Hi dear friend. It has been too long. I miss you. How are you doing?'

You taught me Tareq, so many things by simply being. Where are the words to express that you have been with me every step of my way? And why must I find them when you are not here to hear?

These are the questions as those we once pondered together till dawn, dear friend, and now they are simply words lost in the wind. My life will never be the same with the knowledge that you are not here to respond. Your voice I'll never again hear. So selfish I am in this way - thinking of me when it's your turn to shine. And you loved me anyway - how much that says about you.

I miss knowing you are always there, already.  I love you and am so glad I made sure you knew when your ears were able to receive.

I have cried for two days now Tareq, and I'm certain I'll cry many more. I know you would not approve... But I hardly ever listened to you anyway. At least not right away. Perhaps when my eyes have had a moment to dry and my heart is ready for the next blow, the lesson you're meant to teach me now dear friend, will make itself clear.

Until then, please world let me mourn this tragic loss for humanity too many of you never knew.

In May of 2010 I purchased a Blackberry on a 3-year contract from Virgin Mobile. I have paid every bill in advance usually over the amount owing on my next invoice since.

In April of 2011, Virgin had some technical difficulties with their system, which meant my data services all failed for days. That was a nightmare on its own. Click here for the complete story on that. One of their technicians looked at the RIM side of my Blackberry to determine the cause & fix. From there, he used all of the email addresses that I’d validated on my phone for me to view my personal emails, and he sent me an email about the case copying every single email address I validated. I never authorized Virgin to use any of these email addresses to contact me. The email he sent was sent to my work email address and was thus copied to every member of my company’s management team. I could have lost my job as a result of Virgin’s breach of privacy. When the event was looked into, the Virgin team told me they would ‘talk’ to the technician who breached privacy:



At the time I was out of town on work and was unable to legally pursue the issue, despite totally intending to – as even at that time they would not let me out of the contract they made me sign despite them breaching privacy terms. By the time I got back home, I was exhausted and busy with other things, like my mother’s estate and I decided to let it go.

In Sept/Oct of 2011, I purchased an internet stick through Virgin Mobile on their Supertab – so Lars could access the net while he was in Manitoba. In November or December of 2011, I realized I hadn’t been charged for the Internet stick so I went to a Virgin Kiosk and asked them about it. They explained they had created a secondary account for the mobile stick and clearly didn’t have my address correct on it as I hadn’t received a bill for it. There was a $70 outstanding balance they told me I’d have to pay in order to combine the two accounts. I paid the outstanding fee and at the same time purchased a new cell phone (not on contract) for my father. The next day, I got a collections letter from Virgin in the mail about the Internet Stick and the $70 owing on it. Not once did they call, mail or email me a bill for the thing, but they sure did know my address to send me their threatening collections letter. Knowing I’d dealt with the issue the day before, I simply ignored this despite how aggravating and insulting it was.

In January, 2012 I cancelled my internet stick with them and put a $200 credit in my account to pay off the super-tab fee owing.

Three days ago, I received a letter in the mail from Virgin Mobile stating that they had cancelled my accounts, that I owed them $30 and that they were forwarding the complaint to a collections agency.

Apparently they had not cancelled my secondary account for the internet stick, which never should have been created in the first place. And they are once again threatening my good credit because they can’t manage their accounts – nor have they sent me a single bill via email, mail or even telephone call prior to this threatening letter.

As I have a credit of $200 on my account, I contact them and ask them to do as they said by canceling all my accounts and waive any penalties for the Blackberry as I am only canceling everything only because they keep threatening and abusing me as a customer. The response they give is that they simply cannot do that and that I am stuck with them until May 2013 or I have to pay an addition $260 penalty.

If Virgin didn’t keep breaching the contract conditions on my account, or threatening me as a client I would be happy to still deal with them. I definitely do need cell & data services – in fact I have a 3G iPad with Telus and am yet to experience a real problem. Virgin told me in November that the 2nd account they created had been paid and closed – in fact, they insisted I had to pay it all off before they could merge the two, to solve the problem. I’ve been paying for the Internet Stick every month since on my real virgin account. They tell me the same thing now – that they’ve waived the $30 owing (I don’t see how the hell I owe more on it in the first place) and I should be happy they’ve now closed the account. How can I be sure that in two months time they are not going to send a bill collector after me – damaging my credit, because of some other mess up on their end? Why should the second time they say they have fixed their mistake be any different than the 1st?

It’s absolutely wrong that companies can get away with threatening their customers this way, binding us to contract terms that they do not abide by themselves, threatening and abusing their customers along the way. Something needs to be done about this!

Virgin insists on keeping me until my Blackberry contact expires in September. That’s a long time for me to come up with a campaign, eCards, perhaps even print T-shirts about their absolute lacking in service and how you shouldn’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t expect this will be the last you hear from me about Virgin's unethical business practices. Perhaps Virgin Mobile will get upset enough to bring it to the attention of their legal department. At least I’ll find some comfort in knowing they will have to pay more for any legal action than the $260 they are holding me hostage with. (I’ll gladly spend more than that warning people not to sign on with them – and defending my actions towards it!).

I am not using my Virgin Blackberry anymore. I spilled chicken stock on it a few weeks back, decided I’d rather wash it and lose it then stick salmonella-infested water to my cheek. It didn’t make it through the bath, so I purchased an iPhone from apple.com. It’s due to arrive on the 21st. I have decreased my BB plan with Virgin to the $15 minimum it can be according to their control. I will cancel my father’s cell as soon as I’m back home (I’m leaving again for Squamish tomorrow). I will sign up the iPhone with Telus or Koodoo – any company that is not Virgin. And I’ll continue to make eCards, comments and other items expressing my distaste for Virgin Mobile Canada and validating my reasoning. Who knows, maybe they’ll catch on...

I’m thinking about giving away mugs and t-shirts for free if only people promise to wear/use them and take a photo of them doing so, that I can share on my blog here. Would you like a mug or a T-shirt under this agreement?

I came home from yoga on the 13th to a candle lit house… By that I mean the entire house was lit with tea light and scented candles. Lars led my way to the bathroom where he’d prepared a candle-lit lavender-rose-petal bubble bath for me. When my bath was done, he took me to my candle-lit bedroom and tucked me into bed. He spoiled me rotten and wasn’t done…

On the 14th, I got off work to find a beautiful vase of lucky-bamboo and a stunning blue rose – framing a bottle of my favorite wine. We ate steak and lobster for dinner and I went to bed shortly after – a bit tipsy from the wine and unknowingly tackling the start of a flu or cold. I woke at midnight starving and feverish and was up for hours.

Now I can’t breathe. But apparently, my Valentines surprises from Lars aren’t done yet. There’s something in the mail on its way to me.

He kind of put the mug, card and cap I bought him to shame – didn’t he? But that’s ok. I know he still loves me and we love on each other every day. Valentines is just a day we get to exaggerate that!

~*~

Virgin Mobile Canada still hasn’t brought any resolve to their absolute incompetence in managing their accounts in particular mine (of which I really should only have one). They offered to ‘waive the $30’ owing on my secondary account – that they never should have created in the first place, and that I already paid off in order to merge the 2 accounts back in November when I realized they weren’t charging me for my internet stick.

They fuck up my account creating a 2nd one for some unknown reason. We discover this in November and I’m told I have to pay off both accounts before they can merge the two. I do. They then send me a nasty letter saying they’ve cancelled my services and that they will get debt collectors on my ass if I don’t pay them $30 I owe them on some account I never authorized, they never should have created, and was supposed to already have been resolved – while I have nearly $200 credit on the only account I should have. And I should be good with, even thankful for them waiving the $30 fee I shouldn’t owe them in the first place? Fuck that. I want out of my contract with them, so that I can purchase my phone and data needs from a company that has the ability to manage their client accounts appropriately.

I work really, REALLY hard at growing my Canadian credit. The threat that their inability to manage their accounts has the potential to damage that is worth no amount of money. As far as I’m concerned, they fucked up our contract agreement and they need to waive any penalties and let me out of it, now.

Please take a look at my Virgin account and not the ‘CR’ as shown on the ‘Pay my Bill’ button. This is showing a CREDIT of nearly $200 on my Virgin account:



Now read the letter I got in the mail from them today:



For those who can’t see it, here’s what it says,

TOTAL BALANCE DUE: $30.47

Hey there Chrystal **********

We’ve tried to get in touch, but we haven’t heard back from you or received payment for your account.

We hate to say it, but your account is now overdue and your service is disconnected. You may have already gotten your final bill. If not, then you’ll be getting it soon. Your final balance might be different from the amount listed here if your Membership Agreement had any early cancellation fees with it.

Please give us a call toll free at 1-877-745-7721 so that we can set up the final payment to your account. Unfortunately, if we do not get full payment immediately then we have no choice but to forward your account to a Collections Agency, which might be bad for your credit rating.

We can’t help you out if you don’t let us know what’s up, so call us right away!

Virgin Mobile

My initial response was to call them – and of course I was pissed. This is NOT the first time they’ve sent me such a ridiculously threatening letter claiming I hadn’t made payment when I certainly have. This is not the first time they’ve insulted me or completely betrayed my trust as a customer. I’m sure you all remember my 1st bought of Virgin’s crappy service here.

After that ordeal, Virgin actually offered me a small credit, fixed my phone rather quickly, but not without one of their technicians hacking into my blackberry and contacting me at all my personal AND professional email accounts (which I never gave Virgin permission to use at all). I fully intended to come back and sue the bastards, but life got in the way and as time went by I calmed down and let it go.

Then today comes around. The Siraya tool I first spoke to at Virgin had the nerve to yell at me until I hung up on her. I called back and got to speak with an equally useless Alesha from the Virgin Mobile customer service team. She refused to let me talk to a manager unless I gave her all sorts of verification information. I don’t understand why I need to prove who I am before reaching a Manager in this company. How’s this for public proof that I’m a real person and I’m pissed:



Virgin needs to go ahead and cancel my contract with them. THEY need to pay the penalty fees. I washed my Blackberry anyway and am waiting for my new iPhone ordered Apple in the mail. When arrives, I’ll sign on with Telus over this crappy excuse for a Mobile phone provider. I’ll move my father’s cell over too.

I talked to my best friend on earth yesterday morning. Right now, she is in Kuwait. I should be in Kuwait, or she should be here. I miss her terribly. She’s not doing well. In fact, she’s recovering from attempting to slash her wrists last Thursday. I won’t go into details except to say I know all too well where she’s at and she does not deserve this and cannot help but feel I am at least partially to blame.

With that being said, I wonder if I’m in a much better place myself right now? My meditation is certainly doing me some good. But I am losing motivation to do it on a daily basis and I have no motivation to exercise or do anything else. In fact, I spend most of my time worrying about money and how the hell I can turn what little I have into enough to feel secure.

I can feel my depression seeping in again in the form of boredom, sincere indifference to most general aspects of my day-to-day life, and the unnerving discontent with my life in general. Sure the meditation is helping me cope with difficult situations, but it doesn’t change my personal core values at all. I’ve come to realize I want change. Big change.

I’m angry with unresolved issues and the anger is festering into deep feelings of hate and absolute disrespect. It shouldn’t be like that.

I don’t want to confront it again because I’ve done so already (albeit, in anger) and have pretty much been brushed off and ignored. I know pushing it further will do me no good. So I will lump it and live with it, in silence. At least until I’m in a better place.

I need to be in a place where I am in control of my own security. How to get there, is the problem… Where to find the focus and the time, when I really have no options but to spend every waking hour working towards and worrying about someone else’s?

Today is my first of 3 days off work this weekend. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have this overwhelming urge to go back to bed and just cry myself to sleep until Lars comes home to hug me.

Instead, I’ll try and fester the energy to go down to the gym and walk or run all this negative energy off.

At times like this, I really wish I were in Kuwait. Or my best friend was here.

I’ve been thinking a whole lot about what it is I really want to do with myself. For the majority of my life, I’ve known what I don’t want as opposed to what I do want.

I don’t want to live in poverty.
I don’t want to be disliked.
I don’t want to jeopardize my personal integrity.
I don’t want to be useless, incompetent or stupid.
I don’t want to be without financial security.
I don’t want to be around negative people.
I don’t want to feel crappy about myself, my body, my mind…

The list goes on and on. But ask me what I do want, and the opposite of any of those statements isn’t found in the furthest reach of my mind. I think I’ve realized why that is. My wants are consistently changing from moment to moment, depending on my surroundings, my thoughts and feelings during that very moment.

Yesterday, I found great pleasure in spice blends I create in my own kitchen, and I recall thinking and telling Lars, “I want to open a spice blend business”. My Italian spice mixes, my Arabic spice mixes, my Indian Masala, are all fantastic blends! I’m talented in the kitchen, and I could flourish there. I even spent a little time looking up the legalities to such a business in BC, online.

Today, that’s the last thing I want to do. Today, I want to own property and rent it out. I want my income to be based on that. Today’s desire is a more consistent want. I have always wanted to own large amounts of property and to rent each one out. Every time things go to complete hell, or feel like they’re going to complete hell financially – that’s where my ‘wants’ wander. Today is no different.

There is nothing I want more than to buy buildings… and perhaps sell spices, jewelry or paintings as a hobby while I collect rental income.

Today has been trying on my patience, my acceptance, my calm, and everything else I’ve been working towards lately. I have some major worrisome issues pending that are sincerely stressing me out at my core. When things are not in my control, I do not cope well. This is especially true when I have so much faith ahead of time, and perhaps delusions of control that I give my word to someone only to later learn that I cannot keep my promise.

I believe today is meant to be a test and how I choose to cope with and react to the events will help sculpt the path to my future in an either positive or negative way. I want the effects to be positive… But I think I’m going to just get drunk – because that’s everything I feel like doing right now. Whether or not that's positive I do not know. But it's what I feel I need. I work at 7:30am, so I better start drinking now.

Nunnight all.

It wasn’t long ago that the word ‘meditate’ induced images of fat Buddhist men sitting in absolute stillness and silence on some beach somewhere ignoring everything around them. Sitting still with your eyes closed is about all I understood it to be, and how fucking boring is that? Now that I understand it a little better, there is absolutely nothing boring about meditating at all. In fact, meditation is a challenge, a struggle, a lesson in the art of doing nothing.

As you silence your body’s motions, your mind tends to scream louder. Meditation is the art of silencing the body and the mind, recognizing your thoughts as they come and letting them go each time you realize your mind is wandering. Meditation is being in your body as a true observer of what’s happening to it, while you live in it without trying to change it.

The results, I’m finding of consistent, daily meditation is a calmer nature, less insomnia (in fact I haven’t had to take a sleeping pill since I started), and greater tolerance for pain and discomfort (both emotional and physical). And of course, I’m finding it far easier to tolerate, accept and embrace stressful situations.

I figured since I’ve been going on about it for a while now, I might as well give those of you who view meditation the same way I did up until recently, a little insight as to what it really means to meditate (to me). For more clinical information on meditation, see Wikipedia here.

~*~

The Ali Tattoo… With my recent blog makeover I included the henna-inspired tattoo I drew for my son. I drew the floral borders first by hand, and then in Illustrator. I intend to expand on it a fair bit before the next tattoo date, on March 3rd. What you see here and now will soon frame my shoulder and stretch down my arm.

~*~

We have finally filed our taxes. I’ve renewed my car insurance for the next year. I filled out the organ donor form, and Lars’ is waiting for his signature. Things are feeling pretty complete these days.

There was what I can only assume was a multi-page rant from Amanda in my Facebook inbox today. I didn’t bother to read it. I’ve seen enough of her low jabs at Renee, and childish comments towards myself and others to know there was nothing worth my time in whatever it was she had to say. Instead of reading it, I simply replied with, “You are confusing me for someone who will bother to read what you have to say.” I then blocked her completely from my Facebook, so that this book can now be closed. I feel like I’ve spent more than enough time in my adolescent years being overdramatic to have time or space for this now.

At the inability to reply to my Facebook email and my blocking her, she made her way to my blog – for the first time ever. It looks like twice she contemplated commenting but changed her mind and left the comment section. She spent a good hour and 40 minutes here all together. All I can think is, for someone who doesn’t want me in their life at all, she sure cares a hell of a lot about my opinion of her.

Anyway, we had a new tenant move in last night.

We’ve giving him his eviction notice tonight.

While I was working today, all three of his dogs went off barking. They would not stop for hours while he was out. Lars went down to see what was up, and apparently it was our other tenants’ attempt to do laundry that set them off. I am not putting the quality of my work at jeopardy to keep a tenant. And we are not making it impossible for our other tenants of almost a year (without problems) to live their normal daily lives. We suggested bark collars and he was not happy about it. So, the 30-day eviction notice has been written up. We’ll give it to him, and let him know that we will not re-list the suite, and if he can manage his dogs over the next month we will consider starting a new tenancy agreement then. 30 days is a long time for me to put up with barking dogs while I work. Too long. We can’t run the risk of it being even a day longer.

Steaks are on for dinner and I’m hungry! I think after dinner I’m going to take an online IT course of sorts. I’ve got that ‘learning bug’ in me again, and managed to get my meditation in early this morning!

In the middle of writing last night’s blog entry, my sister Kelly gave me a call. She has a whole pile of bullshit to deal with, with her ex-husband and a few court dates coming up. She will be in my thoughts over the next little while, as will my niece’s and nephew.

I wasn’t able to finish with all I had to say. I got a letter from the lawyer acting as executor of my mom’s estate, in the mail yesterday. It was a copy of what was sent to our lawyer in town. Here’s what it said:

Dear Sir:

Re: Estate of ******* **** ********

Further to our recent discussions, please find enclosed copy of the Administrator’s Accounting along with copies of the Consents and Releases signed by your clients.

Pursuant to the Irrevocable Direction to Pay, we also enclose our trust cheque in the sum of $**,***.**, payable to you in trust. This amount represents your clients’ collective share of the residue of the Estate of ******* **** *****.

We confirm we are holding Sheila Fouchier’s share as we await receipt of her signed Consent and Release and/or instructions. We hope to receive those instructions in the near future, and will be in contact with you at that time.

If you require anything further, please do not hesitate to contact my assistant, Pat.

Yours truly,
******* ****** *******

This was brilliant news to start the day! Sheila is no longer given the upper hand on this whole situation and now, she’s only hurting herself with her own stupidity. The rest of us will be forwarded cheques for the residue of the estate. We will conceivably be able to pick up our files from the law offices and finally get closure to it all. Perhaps, we will now be able to put my mom to rest for real.

I sure do miss her.

Anyway, it’s about time for me to go and do my daily meditation. It’s working.

Lets start with the latest first… My father’s fourth child Amanda, who made the choice from the start, not to give me the time of day sent me an email today. It was in response to my email to her that outlined how lonely she’s chosen to make herself by spontaneously deleting me from her facebook (and not even giving me a chance to be her sister to begin with). Here’s what it said,

i never ask you for your opnion in this matter! The only reason i don't want you in my life is the reason with renee i don't want to be hurt like she hurt me... I really don't want to know anyone from dads side or do i need anymore sisters( one is fine)... that why i don't talk to you and thats why i prefer to be by self.. I'm not a negative person and/or a horrible person... i have lots of friends and i'm good going girl.... I really prefer not to talk to you and i don't think that i will ever... Never had you in my life and i really don't need you here now... sorry

Here’s what I had to say back:

Thank you Amanda.

You’ve made me rather certain I don’t want you in my life either. I am not Renee. Your experiences with me are totally different than yours with Renee. Renee and you is your past. With me (and now), you’ve proved yourself to be an unintelligent, narrow-minded, selfish little bitch who doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the wall and certainly doesn’t deserve my attention – while Renee has done nothing but shown me love, willingness to build a relationship with me and include me in my nephews’ lives. Renee is a godsend compared to you!

May your son (my nephew- whether you like it or not bitch) grow to be a better person than you are – because God knows you’re nothing more than a dirty little cunt. You’ve fucked your little sister over her entire life by being the evil-spirited, mean person you are – you should’ve had your tubes tied by force before you reached puberty – just my opinion (that you didn’t ask for, but you certainly created).

Enjoy your lonely life, while I enjoy mine full of love from my family (sisters and all) and friends. You need not respond to this. I’m certain nothing you could say will change my mind about what a terrible excuse for a human being you are.

There’s not a lot I can say about that, as one of my good friends Ibti summed it up in a status today saying:

"My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.”

I have far more important things to talk about… But this is enough for now...

My shoulder sounds like there’s a diaper stuck to it. This afternoon I went to Incendiary to get the Arabic in my mom tribute tattoo touched up. I also introduced Jimmy to my next piece, which is now scheduled for the 3rd of March. The next piece will almost frame my mom’s tribute, draping from the upper portion of my right back/shoulder and then dropping down my arm. It is a floral henna-inspired tribute to my son that I drew, first on paper and then electronically with Illustrator. My least favorite part about getting fresh ink has to be the bandaging. It’s annoying and uncomfortable – though I suppose (like the non-pain of today’s touchup tattooing) it’s another test of the calm and the mind’s strength I’ve found of late.

This evening, Lars and I went back to the shop for a little get together. While Lars had a few drinks with the rest of them, I opted to be the sober driver so instead made way to Timmy’s for tea. As I was leaving with my mint tea, a collective giggle & snicker in the corner proved (once again) that some things never change nor grow. As I walked out the door I took a deep breath and felt a whole-hearted smile grow within me as that short moment was confirmation that I have made some very decent choices in my life about the people I choose to and choose not to surround myself with. With that I will share that if you are a part of my life today, I value you, so thank you.

Yesterday I turned off all my Facebook notifications so I’m not longer notified by email when someone comments on my page, likes a link or even adds me as a ‘friend’. That means I’ll no longer get Facebook on my phone. That also means (I found out rather quickly) a whole lot of freedom & time. I actually had a bit of time to read a book (on Yoga) in the afternoon yesterday! And today, we made time to do something social. It was nice!

There’s a lot changing in our lives right now. Lars and I bought our first shared pets today, Mikky & Malorie the Siamese Fighting Fish. We’re increasingly thinking & talking about making human babies and other things that the future might hold for us. Next year, we intend to buy property – sometime after of course, our April wedding.

Spending an hour a day on myself meditating is opening a whole new world of calm for me. It’s also helping ground me in ways I never knew possible. I feel inspired as I watch what would normally stress me right out roll its way through my entire being with each breath, like a leaf in the wind. I’m finding a true sense of calm and contentment in my life – and that’s all kinds of awesome.

Fuck you.

I’m not angry anymore about that stupid bitch. She’ll get hers, one day.

My brother and his girlfriend (the soon to be parents of Lars and my newest niece or nephew) came by for dinner tonight. Jesse called his father who insisted on talking to me, and then informed me that my aunt Patty has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has been given two years to live.

I’m just learning to deal with the stress with the everyday things like my job and my health for fucks sakes… I’m trying really hard not to make this about me, but fuck is it ever hard. Either I’m just selfish like that, or life really does need to throw me one goddamn lemon after another… But tonight… Tonight I’m making lemonade.

Jesse and Rachel are off buying an Ice Cream cake. I’ve asked them to make sure it says something lovely about the woman we could all live without. We’re going to eat that bitch sister of mine in some nasty way like we ate my grandmother a few weeks back.

And then next weekend, we’ll go show Patty some love over dinner.

My horoscope for 2012 says this year I’ll be hard to deal with. Maybe it has something to do with this year throwing more shit at me than I want to bother with. Or maybe, that’s just the stress still talking.

I finally got a response from the lawyer today. It didn’t come without pulling teeth though. Here’s how the conversation goes:

~*~

“Hello ***,
This is my 4th email to you about the status of my mother’s estate and whether or not Sheila’s refusal has had an effect on the same. There are two other beneficiaries here that are interested in the outcome who are looking to me for an answer. Are we going to get a cheque soon from my mom’s estate?
Martin and I are now questioning whether or not we wish to use you as legal counsel in the future as you are simply ignoring my request for an update. This is not what we look for in a lawyer at all.
As the legal executor of my mom’s estate, you have the right to charge us, but legally we question whether or not you have the right to ignore us when we have been as cooperative as we can about the entire situation.
If you could please update us as soon as possible on the same, we would appreciate the same much. We understand how frustrating it can be to deal with Sheila, but it is still not our fault.
Thanking you in advance for a response,
***”

~*~

“Hi ***, I sincerely apologize for not getting back to you. I spoke with (insert name of nasty former fireman who is fucking my sister and thus thinks it’s his business to get involved) last month and he indicated that Sheila is not prepared to waive a formal accounting of the estate, as they feel I acted inappropriately in selling the trailers to Martin. I have given a lot of thought to how to proceed. A formal application to the court to approve the estate administration may be inevitable given Sheila’s refusal. However, I will be speaking to (insert name of very expensive lawyer) on Monday about this to see if there are any alternatives and will report back to you after our call.
***”

~*~

“Thanks for the reply ***,
Is it safe for me to assume (and to tell others) that we are not going to get any money from my mom's estate, due to Sheila's refusal?”

~*~

“Hi ***, we will try to have the cost of the court application paid out of Sheila’s share, but it is possible that everyone’s share will be reduced.
***”
~*~

That fucking bitch and that dirty fat old bastard that’s fucking her, has issues with the executor selling my father the trailers for a thousand dollars after the appraisal came back and literally said they were worth nothing and should be recycled at the nearest dump. Do they really think they are going to get anywhere with this?

They’re not. Nope.

Just one more way that bitch can piss away any bits of remaining cash from my mom’s estate. It’s not bad enough she’s single-handedly forced us to spends thousands upon thousands of dollars on lawyers we would not otherwise need or want. But now, she has to deplete the little bit that’s less with an illogical refusal to end it all.

Some people truly are a waste of fucking air and should not have been born in the first place. This fucking cunt is the reason abortion should not only be legalized but FORCED upon some people. If my mom knew upon conception what Sheila would turn out to be and to do, there’s not a doubt in my mind she’d have aborted that fetus herself with a fucking hanger had she no other choice.

Sheila Fouchier (and all those dirty bastards who Google her name from time to time, know all you need to know about her is said in the next 7 words) you are a waste of human life.

Having breakfast at Sophie’s Place with my dad and Larry yesterday, I realized that one of my earrings is missing. These are the diamond studs Lars gave me a few weeks before Christmas. They match the tennis bracelet I unwrapped from him on Christmas morning.

When he gave both pieces to me I mentioned that I’d probably lose the earrings and break the bracelet (it being so dainty and all). He told me to wear them and that so long as I get to enjoy them then if they broke or were lost then it is what it is. Yesterday when I realized an earring was missing he reminded me that he could and would find me more shinies.

None of this makes me feel any better. I don’t want more earrings. I want those ones. I found the backing next to my side of the bed but I cannot find the actual stud. I feel as though I’ve looked everywhere and I keep hoping I’ll just roll over in bed and find it in my fingers or something. That’s probably not going to happen. But hell, it’s a good enough reason to go back to bed now.

As I sit on the couch here, I watch out the windows as two Humming Birds fly up and drink from each of the two feeders we have hanging outside each of our two bay windows. I can’t help but think as Lars’ Facebook status said this morning, ’just another morning in paradise.’ If it weren’t for those feeders, the Humming Birds would die, having no natural food source here in the winter and having learned long ago to depend on human assistance so they no longer migrate south. In a way, it’s a Paradise we help build – for us and for those around us. Even the Humming Birds now too lazy to fly away from the cold.

Why do we take so much offence to a person (any person) telling us, “We’re nothing alike you and I.” Is it the underlining insinuation that we can’t understand or empathize with where another person is at emotionally? That’s about all I figure it can be. It’s a conversation that started yesterday online and got my mind ticking and me thinking.

As we drove for what I referred to as a late-night trip (it was 6pm) to Dairy Queen to get an Ice Cream Cake to feed this sweet craving I was having, I mentioned to Lars how little he and I have in common. His response was, “Fuck off! We have a lot in common.”

That’s the way I felt when someone told me the same thing earlier. But really, our differences are what make life as entertaining as it is, so who cares about the rest? We all get to live in the Paradise or Hell we choose to create.

What we really need to figure out is, why do we spend so much time creating little ‘mind-hells’ to dwell in when right here, right now, where the Humming Birds dance in front of my windows, I could be enjoying a little bit of my Paradise?

I woke with a headache this morning, but it made me realize I didn’t have one yesterday. Yesterday was a break from the month-long hurt I’d be enduring. Getting a good night’s sleep seems to be bigger portion of the problem than I thought.

It occurred to me yesterday as my boss spoke about the upcoming year’s events and how much a part of the plans I still was, she had ignored (or not been totally informed by her daughter) of my resignation.

I’m thinking that’s exactly what I needed.

I don’t want to quit my job. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do. I just need to learn to handle the stress better.

She’s not the first person to blatantly ignore me when I’m insisting on things that perhaps aren’t in my best interest. My mother-in-law ignored me when I told her I don’t want more babies. I thought it was ridiculously funny then and now, I see that I was maybe wrong.

The month-long headache I’ve endured is a migraine. There’s no increased pressure in my eyes, nothing else to explain it. It’s most-likely stress induced and appears to be the cause of my spontaneous blurred vision. Since birth control is known to increase migraine symptoms, I’ve been taken off the pill. My sleeping pill prescription has been renewed and I’ve been warned to take it for up to 5 or 6 nights in a row to get into a good sleeping pattern and then to leave it be as it’s a highly addictive drug.

The doctor offered me a stress leave note and I told him it wasn’t necessary. I won’t be that person and we’ve kind of moved beyond that now anyway. It sure wasn’t hard to have him offer though – he couldn’t do much to diagnose stress so I was pretty much offered a free ticket to E.I. based on my word. I can’t help but wonder if it being so easy is a huge part of the reason so many people in this society are given free tickets. It’s a little food for thought, that is…

Anyway, instead of a free ticket to vacation supported by Unemployment Insurance he offered me a counselor’s name and suggested if I could afford it I went ahead and made an appointment or two. He also asked me to read two books, Full Catastrophe Living, and Feeling Good. Full Catastrophe Living is meant to guide you through how to deal with and manage stress better and Feeling Good is meant to enhance your cognitive abilities to deal with negative emotions. I’ve bought Full Catastrophe Living for my iPad, and intend to start reading it tonight. It cannot hurt at this point. Once done, I’ll find the other and read it too. Can’t help but like a doctor who prescribes reading!

Instead of spending a few hundred dollars a visit to a counselor, I think I’ll spend a hundred or so dollars a month on Yoga. I’ll stop eating all the crap I’ve been eating of late and I’ll start spending time in my gym again. And I’ll start treating myself better in general, too! (Even if that means I have to say no to others every now and then). All of these things can only help me feel better. And just knowing I’ve made these choices, is already a great start.

My head still hurts… but at least I know I’ll sleep tonight.

It’s that feeling you get when your brain takes over and says you need to let go of something you love. I felt it when I left the UAE; left my son, 4 years ago. I feel it now, as I explained (as best I could without turning into a blubbering idiot) to my boss that I was resigning.

The night before last I lay in bed tossing and turning so thoroughly upset over the day’s professional events, I realized I couldn’t spend another night without sleep because of this stress. I got up and sent off a thoughtless email asking for a demotion. ‘I don’t want to be responsible for other people,’ was the gist of it, though I admittedly rambled on about other responsibilities that aren’t near the stressors that this one has been lately.

“I want to serve drinks,” I stated today. I know it’s not really true and said so soon after. I could never be happy with such a job. I need to think, and face mental challenges. If only my emotions could grow with the same gust.

I realized while exhausted yesterday and as I woke this morning, a demotion just isn’t feasible – for the company or for me. So instead, I quit. And my heart is sincerely broken and I so wish there was another way. I’ve tried over the last few months to find a way to better manage, better deal with the stress I am faced with. I have thought about yoga and excessive exercise, and I’ve considered counseling. None of them have stuck, and the stress is now adversely affecting my health and life in general. There’s a problem when you can’t enjoy fucking the one you love, let alone fall asleep because frustrated thoughts of work are getting in the way.

I feel like crap. I feel like I’m taking the pansy’s way out. Once again I’m not strong enough to face life, so instead I’m running away. And this time, I’m letting people down. Just like leaving let my son down. I know they don’t want me to go. I know it is a disadvantage for them for the moment, even if they will be fine without me. I love them. I love my job. And I love my company. I certainly don’t want to bring any negativity or bad their way.

My heart hurts. But I need a nights' rest. I intend to start the New Year on a positive note and I have a few days to get into that frame of mind!

People like you are able to tell me things about me that I don’t know, thanks to this crappy memory of mine. In fact, most of my childhood friends are. The ones who I still communicate with casually on facebook or elsewhere all seem to remember things we did together that I don’t recall in the faintest. I wish so many of us didn’t live so far apart these days… I’d love to catch up, be reminded of the things we got into. Perhaps it’d help explain why few of people I view as friends from way back then, seem so contently distant today? Or… maybe that’s just what grown ups do; get busy with life.

At 7:27am my son gave me a missed call this morning. I called him back right away and he answered. He sounded miserable. The most I got out of him was a ‘fine’. When I asked him why he seemed so down, he said he was tired and when he told me he loved me, he mumbled so that his words were almost inaudible. It would have been 7:27pm his time, so I suppose him being tired makes sense.

Trish explained that she’s seen the same thing with her young daughter as she talks to her dad on the phone. She’ll sound like dooms approaching, then hangs up and skips away merrily. I’m glad she shared this, as it makes me feel a little more like everything is as it should be and everything will turn out just how it’s meant to be – and I know in the end that will bring my baby boy to me. He wasn’t miserable to talk to me, just doing what a kid does on the phone. I just need to be patient is all.

As Lars mentioned earlier, it was lovely to hear his voice anyway. His dad has promised to send me photos by email soon too. I can’t wait.

My father left this morning for Ontario again. He’s gone for 7 – 10 days (with luck). On the 17th, Lars and I have the ‘Something like Christmas Dinner’ with Lars family in Langley and from there, I’m off to Squamish for a week of work – coming home just in time for Christmas. Lars will be coming with me to Squamish, if my dad’s back by then.

We’ve been having lots of fun getting ready for Christmas around here. The tree is up (and lopsided the way I like it), and there are gifts under it, in the closet and then others hiding from each of us in places unknown. Though with Lars giving me diamonds last week, I can’t imagine what in the world there still is hiding…

It’ll be a busy little while around here. In the meantime, I really need all of you who reached out to me after that last entry to know that I appreciate you. Thank you. Your kind words really did do me some good – they did matter. <3

I find myself browsing the UAE classifieds looking for potential positions and feel my eyes swell up with tears, my throat tighten and my stomach turn itself inside out until there’s a hollow tugging pull in all directions. I am terrified of that place. I’m terrified of what it once made me and has the potential to make me again. I’m terrified of how dangerous it really is, with its ass backwards laws and consequences and unexplained actions. I half fear that customs will grab me at the airport as I enter for some unknown, unseen crime I’ve committed (or even just been accused of committing) and been charged with in absence, without ever being made aware of it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a real hard place right now.

It’s literally been months since I’ve spoken to my son. No one ever answers any of the telephone numbers I have for him and his father is useless at encouraging him to call me. After a night of dreaming about my baby boy being in my arms again, I woke this morning knowing I’ve about had enough of this.

Sometimes I curse my own morals and the fact that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t kidnap him and somehow bring him home with me.

I called Dubai Police. It took four or five different telephone numbers I’d found online before I finally found one that didn’t just ring and ring. The man who answered was kind and gentle, but about as useless as I recall the majority of the UAE population to be. He told me to contact the UAE Embassy in Ottawa as they should help me. I explained I have tried to contact the UAE Embassy in Canada multiple times in the past for various reasons and I am never able to get through (as like most government offices in UAE, no one answers their Embassy phone here, either). He asked me to hold then came back with a local Dubai telephone number for me. After making me take it down, he explained it was the Canadian Consulate’s number in Dubai. They should help me. Of course, I’d have to wait until their tomorrow morning, or our current evening, to get an answer.

So I called the Canadian Consulate this evening. The man who answered the phone spoke with a thick Arabic accent and was so rude I called him out on it. He transferred me to a kind lady, who again couldn’t help me at all. Apparently, the only way I can get the UAE authorities to look into this, is to go back to the UAE myself and file a complaint with Dubai Courts. The only other possible option I have is to somehow give someone who is there, who is willing and able to help me fight for this, power or attorney. Of course, to give power or attorney to someone there, I have to do it in the UAE Embassy in Ottawa – or go to the UAE again.

Dealing with this country is spinning round and round, as fast as you can, in place. You don’t get anywhere and every now and then you find yourself so fucking dizzy you are left with a combination of severe pain and nausea.

So for now, I think I’m going to tuck myself into bed where I’ll cry myself to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow and hope being this far from my baby is less hard on me, than it is every other day. And I know it won’t be. So I’ll hope that the days will pass quickly and soon he’ll be old enough to come to me on his own, that he chooses to, and that when he does, he forgives me the choices I’d had to make that have kept us apart for so long.

I got a lot more done today than I thought I would. I woke early, as I often do these days. I jumped on the treadmill hoping to sweat this cold out of me. I took a shower and ran out the door with Lars to pick up tickets for tomorrow nights’ show, and get to Incendiary Tattoos, to get his tattoo started. Today was his turn to be tortured, and apparently it was my day to be spoiled.

As Jim worked on getting the sketch of Lars’ burning man just right, Lars handed me an unexpected present with a card. I opened a pair of beautiful diamond earrings. His reasoning was that he’d thought my ear piercing had closed over it being so long since I’d worn earrings – so Bubbles could prick me right there and I could wear these beautiful studs home. My ears hadn’t healed over. I didn’t need to get my ears re-pierced. Instead, I opted to get my labret re-pierced.

In 2002 or 2003 (I don’t remember which now), I had both my tongue and my labret pieced while in Belgrade Serbia. I was over charged and it probably hurt a lot more than I remember. I was pretty drunk that trip. Zorana’s grandfather encouraged early morning shots of homemade absinthe to combat the freezing temperatures. Who was I to argue? Mind you, the man also advised us to wear socks in the shower for the same reason. I didn’t comply with that one.

Anyway, a late evening, early morning dip in the Arabian Gulf induced by depression and a potentially-lethal combination of prescription drugs and alcohol resulted in me removing all my piercings, including my belly ring. By the time I sobered up the next day, each of the piercings were either closed over or too painful (most-likely more due to the hangover than actual pain) to bother putting them back in.

I didn’t think I’d ever get the labret done again. But here it is. Lars has been drawing this tattoo of a man burning at the stake, symbolizing his tortured soul, (he’s so utterly perfect, some nasty has to fit in somewhere, no?) since he was a teenager it seems. And now, he has that too!

And I’m still sick & dying.

By the time I got to work today, I felt like I could pass out. I got everything I needed done (and more). I’m proud of myself for this one, as I doubted my own abilities from the start. Anyway, it’s past my bedtime now and I shouldn’t be pushing myself still. We have another long day tomorrow.

I’m sick but that’s ok. It’s a tired, stuffy-headed, sniffly, sneezy, brain-in-the-clouds, kind of sick and not the I-want-to-puke-while-pulling-my-own-hair-out-and-shedding-my-own-irritated-skin kind of sick. I can live with this sick. And I’d rather be sick now than during Christmas or over the New Year.

And today, I was reminded once again how lucky I am. I was allowed to leave work a few hours early today – not really because I’d asked, but because it worked and I really am not feeling well. My brain already seems to want to turn off before 8pm anyway, so working until this time is harder on me than it used to be. I’ve spent the extra few hours I have cuddling on the couch, and re-baking the dinner buns I tried earlier but managed to kill the yeast with heat so they didn’t rise properly. This time, they rose perfectly. Now I know exactly what I’m bringing to our ‘Something like Christmas dinner on the 17th’. And they are good!

Tomorrow is Lars tattoo day. I cannot wait to tease him as he get stabbed billions of times over and over and over again. I cannot wait to see the finished result and to help him heal. I <3 him. And I love that I’m able to give him this (in a way). Even if he won’t tell me what he got me for Christmas.

Buns are about ready to beep at me. And my eyes are growing weary. I’ll sign off with a big breath of contentment. Life is good. Even when I’m sick.