Forever Tainted

1. My bed is warmer with you in it. This saves money on heating bills and my back from sleeping on the couch.
2. You froze the chilli in containers made for two or more. Now when I thaw one to eat it, I end up wasting most of it, because I cannot eat the whole thing. Waste is bad.
3. I cannot drink an entire bottle of vitamin water without you. My fridge is going to be cluttered with half-full bottles. That will drive me insane; you don’t want a crazy girl - we bite.
4. The second towel rack in my bathroom has nothing on it… It just looks bare, unbalanced. The Feng Shui Gods will punish us. Can't have that.
5. I can’t reach the stuff in the cupboard on top of the fridge and though I can’t remember what’s in it, I’m certain I need that stuff right now. NOW!
6. Your Pjs are clean and folded with mine. Seeing them paired up, with other jammies without legs in them makes me sad AND jealous. They are not living to their full potential, but at least they have each other!
7. Snowpus hasn’t had anything black to make white in a while. She’s getting fidgety.
8. My superiority stamp looks like crap when it’s not next to yours. They were made to be together.
9. I can’t reach the arch of my back to wash it properly. That stupid brush doesn’t clean as good as your hands do. I'm dirty without you.
10. I miss you – ‘nuff said.
11. When you’re here, I don’t have time to think enough to write stupid lists. Time is money and less time wasted somehow means more money! Everyone likes more money!
12. It hurts when you’re far – both me and you. Hurting is bad.
13. The door upstairs is squeaky – I can’t reach to put WD40 in it.
14. I miss you. It’s my list, I can say it twice if I want to.
15. I love you. Heart, Mind, and Soul. And the world just doesn’t feel ‘right’ without you. You should come fix my wrongs.

In one of the blog entries I’ve since made private, I mentioned hating feminists. I don’t really hate feminists and I certainly believe in equal rights between men and women. I hate today’s feminist women, who believe in de-pantsing today’s men and turning them into the weaker, meaker sex. Do you know how hard it is to actually find a real man these days because of it? I’ve been blessed to finally find mine…

I hate the feminists that believe being a stay-at-home-mom, who takes care of the children and the household while her husband works to support them financially, is a lesser woman. Don’t get my wrong; this doesn’t include women who can’t really afford, emotionally nor financially, to stay at home. A real woman takes care of what she can when she can and she doesn't expect someone else to do it offering nothing in return. It doesn’t include single welfare mom’s who just keep popping babies expecting my tax dollars to pay their way through life, spending any extra cash they get on frivolous things like booze, toys or tattoos, while their babies don’t even have milk or diapers... Those women are just, well… trash.

I hate the movement that made it impossible for most households to survive on a single income, and forced most homes with children to become double income. I’m an intelligent woman, who can certainly take care of herself. I have a great career. But if I want to dedicate my time to raising my babies, and taking care of my man by making sure he’s fed as best as I possibly can, and that his clothing are just a little cleaner, tidier than his buddies at work, and that he is sexually satisfied, having a woman at home who is more than happy spending an entire day preparing herself to become his sex-kitten at night, rather than slaving away for the dollar while my kids minds rot in daycare and my man wears clothing straight from the dryer, and we all eat food from a box or can, and our sex lives are almost nonexistent because we’re so fucking exhausted from work, then it should be my God-given right and I should be able to do just that. And perhaps most-importantly of all I should be respected for that choice…

But today’s feminists… Many of them anyway, as far as I’m concerned, made that simply impossible. And those are the feminists I hate; the feminists who took away my right to be a woman.

I lied. I don't hate true feminists. Not the ones who are fighting for equal rights. I hate the bitches who sincerely think women should rule the earth and double standards should be applied in favor of women and their sentiments. If a man can smack a man's ass at the office and nothing's said about it... the same man should be able to smack a woman's ass and she shouldn't allow her emotions to get in the way of that, calling it sexual harassment while expecting equal treatment!

For the first time since I can remember I’ve hidden a few blog entries tonight. Sometimes, I wish there was a ‘block’ on these things so I could block certain people from reading certain thoughts of mine.

For a little bit tonight, I let my anger and disgust take over. It reminded me a lot of the me who started blogging, so very long ago… There’s so little left of her it’s like a long lost, almost forgotten part of me coming around again, for an uninvited visit.

I’m allowed to think my evil thoughts about evil people and their evil actions. I’m even allowed to write them down. But I know she reads my blog. And I don’t need to spread such hate. That simply makes me just as evil. No good can come of it and she hates herself enough already – with good reason.

I write for me. And I’ll continue to do so. I think I’ll just have to make better use of private entries in the future… Let her learn her lessons on her own. And I’ll continue to learn mine.

And off you go again. Leaving behind diamonds and an unspoken promise of forever. My whole life has lead up until the moment I met you. And I miss you when you’re gone. I know you’ll be back soon…

Without you, I was able to go to the salon and get my nails done. I promised the girls there, I’d bring you next time. They promised they’d talk you into getting a pedicure. I’m sure you’ll do it. And I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. No polish though – polish would make you a metro man. I like you just… Man.

And what a man you are!

Our midnight mingling, awoken by your lips on my neck, so quickly we melted into one another, followed by this mornings’ tumble, you making everything feel like it’s my first… you make it so hard for me to let you go… even for a short while.

I love you, you know. Come back to me soon.

20 years ago his mother moved in with her current love after knowing him only a month. They are still as madly in love today as they were way back then. She tells me they still giggle. They grew together, changed together. I’m certain that’s one of the reasons she is so for my Lars and I, already. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she’s already hinting at hopes of him and I having children. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she believes her son has found his ‘one’, and I have found mine in him.

Besides… I schooled him at chess…

Today is his 1st day at his new job here, on the island. Or rather, today is his interview day. Though there’s no reason at all to think he won’t get the job. He’s strong, he’s dedicated, and he’s a hard worker. We are going to build a future together, step-by-step. We’ll accomplish much together, I’m sure.

In order to build a future, we must first come to terms and make sense of our past. And he has a past – though I certainly spend more time thinking about it than he does. He feels he spent enough time trying to make sense of it without success. He has come to terms with that – while for me; it’s just an anomaly. And anomalies amuse me to no end. They always have and always will.

Life is ever changing and always staying the same. And while she will never thank us for removing her from the cloud that he and I are falling into, we know today we did what was best... for her and for us. She will never realize that today, she cries less for him because she is not able to witness what he and I and all those around us are becoming together. I see it though. Her words no longer surround him. Her thoughts are no longer on me being with him. She is finally allowing herself to move on - if only on the surface of her soul, the subconscious will follow. She can do so because… She is no longer privy to seeing what he gives me so freely and was unable to give her. I sincerely hope she never regrets the permanent symbols she’s married herself to, while screaming about their independence; her subconscious knows all too well, they are tied to him in every way. When she realizes through and through that he has let go, I hope she learns to let go too.

And we are better off as we are no longer made to feel guilt for our love-struck actions and we are free to know they have nothing to do with her. We dance together, scream one another’s names at the top of our lungs and share our love so freely, so openly that those around us are in love with our love & happiness. And there is no one to accuse, we’re doing it out of spite for her. There are no irrational, immature outbursts of veiled hate, or seething jealousy, grotesquely costumed with a broken innocence or pure intentions.

The best told lies are the ones we tell ourselves, and believe. And she sincerely believes she’s pure.

Now… There is only love in our lives.

And he and I can sincerely hope she learns to live with her, moves on and finds in someone else, what we have found in each other.

Check mate…

Waking up without you is like waking up empty.

I should be cautious. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is. Not with you. With you, I can’t imagine it. I can however, see us growing up, growing old, getting married and even making babies one day…

You always have the right thing to say. And when I told you I’d never make that whole marriage mistake again, you told me it would be no mistake. When you told me you loved me and I rejected the use of such a huge word, you told me it was a word you did not use lightly. And I know that’s true – but I do not want to believe... When I asked how you knew your emotions weren’t lying to you, you reminded me of how well you know yourself. And I believe you do.

I don’t know everything there is to know about you, but I know I’m in love with you too. I just refuse to bring those words to my lips, should you hear… it might be the induction of my heart’s demise. I have been deceived by my very own heart before...

Where have you been my entire life? And how is it any one person fits another like a glove and seemingly fits no one else just right? Who tailored us for one another? And why did we have to spend so many years attempting and failing with others? Why did I have to be just this jaded for you to find me and pull all my pieces together? And why is it, you seem to know exactly where everything goes?

It’s just right. It’s all just right. I fell into your mother and your sister like they were family of my own. Such instantaneous love all around. Never before have virtual strangers been able to bring me so close to tears of joy, nor have I shared such whole-hearted laughter. They’re right.

It’s as close to perfection as I could ever hope to be. Except… you live too far away. And I know we’re in the process of changing that. It just feels so soon, so sudden, so rushed… but so very right. And so very much meant to be because… waking up without you is like waking up empty.

Choose to embrace all the pain, the hurt, the ugly, the untrue, and the negative will completely consume you.

Open your eyes and see. Your life is not up to me. Nor him. Nor them over there. It is all, every little bit of it, completely up to you.

If you want to be happy… Be happy. And it really is that simple…

…if you want it to be.

If getting there means crossing boarders and moving miles away from this place and closer to those you love, then go. If staying put is what your heart needs to heal, then do just that. But learn to take control of you. Your very own subconscious is screaming this at you, begging you too. Why do you refuse to listen?

There is not a place, physically, psychologically, nor emotionally too far out of reach for you – if only you knew. Happiness could and would consume you...

...Too.

‘I can’t even hate you. And I honestly, truly want to. I never thought I’d find myself actually welcoming someone into my heart as I do you. I thought I was too broken to even know how to love anymore. The fact that I have no control… I know it’s real. I’m just too scared to admit it.’

‘I think you just did… And I love you for it :]’

~*~

‘I have been on this planet 32 years… I know what I am… who I am… and that no one has ever completed me… Some came close, even made me happy for a time. But… 3 years after I was born, my match was brought into this world… And it took 26 years to grow into each other’s paths. :) I’m glad I found you… Most people don’t get to. :]’

~*~

So quickly you've become my world. So true you make me feel. And no matter how many times you may have uttered similar words in the past, I know by the way you look at me you're telling no lies. I know by the way your hands feel on my skin and in my hair as you whisper words of conviction in my ear, that we're going to grow old together, just as you assure.

So tonight I meet both your mom and sister. I'm armed with banana bread and fridge magnets of their favorite photos that you and I made together. I know I'll love them both, and I'm certain that they will love me. Everything about this feels so right. Finally...

My whole life I've wondered when it's going to be my turn; when God would give me the break I so truly deserve, after sacrificing so much of me for so long to both deserving and those who were not. It finally feels like my turn has come. And I refuse to let that pass without recognition. el7emdullah rab illa alameen. I wish my mama were alive to meet and fall in love with you too. I know she's looking down on us and smiling... And I know she knows, you're going to take care of her little girl.

~*~

'I know we will work out babe. Somethings don't fall into place as easy as others... but all in all, we will be together. :] Hardship makes most things more enjoyable in the end. Things that come easily, usually go easy. Like I said before, I love that I have to cross an ocean for you... For your heart of gold.'

~*~



~*~

'Makes me feel honored I have a woman worth that much to me... This early in a relationship, it is a good thing. I know I don't want to leave you now but the time I spend travilling gives me an opportunity to be sure what I am feeling for you. I know there is a lot to learn from and about each other... Can't wait to wake up to your gorgeous green eyes all the time.'

~*~

How do I not fall in love with you?

I like being a toy. People play with toys. People love to play. Love makes people smile. I smile when I make people smile. Toys are good.

Betcha wish you were a toy too, dontcha?

You told me I complete you and though I’ve not uttered the words, you complete me too.



I watch as your relationships broken between blood are now mended, and I smile as I feel you closer to whole. I love that you’ve found peace with your mom and are finding the same with your sister. I love that in so many words you’ve declared your love for me and so have they. I love that your mother confides in me that she doesn’t recall ever seeing you so happy as this confirms what I already know is true. I was meant for you, and you for me. I love that we’re falling in love and there’s nothing the envious can do – though they try at their own demise.



I think I have found forever in you. And I think you know it too.

I wish there was a life leave; we could take while we fall into one another. Someone else would worry about the dishes, the laundry and whether or not the pets were fed. And you and I could just be, alone in our heads – together.

What matters…

I miss you Zorana.

I ran alone tonight. I ran hard. I ran from what I was feeling. I ran to cleanse. I ran until I felt a jinnie (Authu bi Allah min ashaytan ir regime) behind me. I saw his shadow, shorter than myself, running beside me. I gasped. My heart raced, and I started to panic. I spun and ran as hard as I could towards the light. And you flashed in my mind. I saw you seething, not breathing as you growled in my direction. I watched your eyes roll back into your head, before finally your face softened and you whimpered my name. I heard the thunder of his chanting holy words. I saw myself run towards you and heard my husband and the Mullah yell at me simultaneously to leave you crying on my livingroom floor – because it wasn’t really you at all.

And for a moment tonight, I felt foolish as if I didn’t believe my own story. But I know it was true. I know it happened. I saw it with my own eyes. And I know for a moment tonight, I was at risk myself.

I miss you Zorana. I love you terribly and wish you were with me at nights like tonight.

The third, unintentional, unknown to you. And perhaps she is the most precious of all. I asked if the first symbolized death, you laughed in my face and assured me it was not so, “Not this one my dear, not this one at all!” The second rose was a little closer to a lovers dozen. I smiled. You’d given me a symbol for each visit. I miss you already.



The third may be torn between loving and loathing without control, may wish an end instead of a start, and the past to present from time to time. And so much like a younger me, I know this animosity. I’m sorry. It gets better. Time heals… and so many other clichéd things to say run through my mind. But the truth is, I know nothing I could say will take away your pain. And I wouldn’t, not even if I could.

You’re so very strong. You’re so very true. You’re so very raw and so very much you. And there are lessons to be learned about unrequited love, and broken hearts with hands waiting to heal them in your shadows. There is so much more than your eyes let you see, and soon enough someone will see… in you, what he sees in me.

But the lesson I learned (many years beyond your age), was another cliché, that I had to love me. And to love yourself, you need time alone, no man, no lover, no tainted thoughts but your own. Learn about you and how you decide your own fate, learn about love and its vast estate - waiting for you to embrace it if only you knew how. There’s a difference between love and dependency, realizing this… is the major difference between you and me. And this pain you feel, is a tool you cannot yet see, in teaching you true independency.

I wish you true love, and faith and so very much more. But after so many lost years, it’s finally my turn, and I will let this love sore, if that’s how high I’m finally meant to be.

It’s hard to believe I met you less than 24 hours ago.

You gave me butterflies, taking my hand into yours just minutes before our breakfasts were served. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt a fluttering like wings in my tummy. Pulling my hands away, I’ve never felt food so invasive in my life.

You made me feel for a moment like young love, captivated by a crush, lost in the rush of such innocent courting.

For hours we lay together, slumbered in one another’s arms like old friends, new lovers, or somewhere in between. How comfortable I am with you – even if only for a day.

You pulled away too soon. You live too far.

I am…

…not surprised that you took that which you did not pay for. Even your psuedo-intellect is fantastic, why should your morals not be?

From cow to plastic you stole and even my brother, your equal (though you see it not) is not surprised (and you would not neither, if you were he!).

You see not like the rest of us… and may you never see it our way.

As I fear the humiliation of being you would kill you without question.

How much you must hate yourself not to see.

Having never been wrong about anything my entire life, even when telling you what your opinion should be on K9’s and other such things, is finally taking it’s toll on me. Sympathize with me, as stupid mortals cannot comprehend how stupid they are and it’s driving me insane.

I’m right. I’M RIGHT! I AM ALWAYS FUCKING RIGHT! I’ll stomp my feet and twist my words, drag up issues from the past while screaming at you to prove it. I am never wrong.

Nor am I responsible for my own happiness, my own security, even my own toilet.

You are. Or she is. Or even him, over there!

And when you fix what I have broken, I owe you neither apology nor thanks. How absurd you should expect even a note of gratitude from someone of my standing. Mortal humans, so stupid! You are unworthy of my time, will you never learn?

So dumb you are that you’ll never see it my way – it’s almost cute to watch you try. But can you not see the troubles you cause me?

How hard it is to always be right in a world where everyone else is wrong.

I’m about double that age now. Double the age I was when I thought I knew just about everything. And now I can see that I really know nothing at all.

Things change so drastically as we age. Events unfold altering who we are from our very core. I’m fairly certain my life’s events have left me utterly insane. I’m ok with that though.

Trying to pull together the strings of my life and make some rational sense of what’s left in my irrational world, I’ve found myself subject to more stress than I know how to manage. Stress kills – literally. It started with my hands. I was recently diagnosed with Raynaud’s. My immune system is shot and it seems I’m suddenly allergic to some unknown substance – I have welts and rashes.

I’m getting old; so old I can start to complain about random ailments even as I finally start taking real note of my health.

The last few months I’ve found myself a bit of a fitness freak. I’ve replaced smoking with hours in the gym. Generally, I feel and look better than I probably have in years. But I’m falling apart. I know it. I can feel it. Time has taken her grip and is sucking me in. And it feels like it’s taking her no time at all.

About done with humanity…

I’m 28 years old and I think I sincerely hate humanity now. And perhaps that’s my problem and mine alone. I wish I’d just die. There’s no point in life when you see no fucking good. I wish I had died and my mother lived. She’d be far better at cleaning up the after-mess than I am.

I need to write my will.

I feel as though I’ve given my whole self, my whole life to people that do not deserve it – which not only offer nothing in return, but also rape me of myself in the process.

I’m fairly certain my heart is already stone cold. I find it almost impossible to connect with a person romantically. My view of most relationships is a lot like business transactions, whether or not it’s cash in trade. Each and every person is a whore in some way or another. Perhaps the streetwalkers have it right.

Today I learned that a friend I’ve had for more than 15 years is a hypocritical, disloyal, delusional piece of work. I was forced to disown him. If 15 years can and must be thrown away because for 15 years you believed someone was someone they weren’t… I’ll never really know another person nor the evils which all people are capable of.

I fucking hate you. I hate you all. Perhaps not for what you are or have been, but for what you are capable of becoming.

Go fuck yourselves.

Spent a short time in my old blog tonight and remembered how much I loved to write. It’s been so long since I’ve actually taken a pen to paper and had something decent to say. Perhaps the passion is dying. Maybe my soul just isn’t as fiery as it once was. Or perhaps I’m just getting old.

I was a poet once. I was a woman of words. Now, I can hardly find the words to talk coherently.

Maybe I need a cause. Maybe I need a niche. Or maybe… just maybe, I’m just done?

Arena (known to self and others) caring, confident, intelligent, powerful, warm	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, brave, cheerful, clever, complex, energetic, friendly, giving, happy, independent, kind, knowledgeable, loving, mature, searching, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, spontaneous, sympathetic, trustworthy, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) dependable	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, calm, dignified, extroverted, helpful, idealistic, ingenious, introverted, logical, modest, nervous, observant, organised, patient, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, self-conscious, shy, silly, tense

All Percentages

able (18%) accepting (0%) adaptable (9%) bold (45%) brave (18%) calm (0%) caring (27%) cheerful (9%) clever (45%) complex (45%) confident (9%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (9%) extroverted (0%) friendly (18%) giving (45%) happy (9%) helpful (0%) idealistic (0%) independent (27%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (27%) introverted (0%) kind (18%) knowledgeable (9%) logical (0%) loving (45%) mature (9%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (9%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (9%) self-assertive (9%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (9%) sentimental (18%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (18%) sympathetic (9%) tense (0%) trustworthy (9%) warm (18%) wise (9%) witty (18%)