Forever Tainted

Lets start with the latest first… My father’s fourth child Amanda, who made the choice from the start, not to give me the time of day sent me an email today. It was in response to my email to her that outlined how lonely she’s chosen to make herself by spontaneously deleting me from her facebook (and not even giving me a chance to be her sister to begin with). Here’s what it said,

i never ask you for your opnion in this matter! The only reason i don't want you in my life is the reason with renee i don't want to be hurt like she hurt me... I really don't want to know anyone from dads side or do i need anymore sisters( one is fine)... that why i don't talk to you and thats why i prefer to be by self.. I'm not a negative person and/or a horrible person... i have lots of friends and i'm good going girl.... I really prefer not to talk to you and i don't think that i will ever... Never had you in my life and i really don't need you here now... sorry

Here’s what I had to say back:

Thank you Amanda.

You’ve made me rather certain I don’t want you in my life either. I am not Renee. Your experiences with me are totally different than yours with Renee. Renee and you is your past. With me (and now), you’ve proved yourself to be an unintelligent, narrow-minded, selfish little bitch who doesn’t know her ass from a hole in the wall and certainly doesn’t deserve my attention – while Renee has done nothing but shown me love, willingness to build a relationship with me and include me in my nephews’ lives. Renee is a godsend compared to you!

May your son (my nephew- whether you like it or not bitch) grow to be a better person than you are – because God knows you’re nothing more than a dirty little cunt. You’ve fucked your little sister over her entire life by being the evil-spirited, mean person you are – you should’ve had your tubes tied by force before you reached puberty – just my opinion (that you didn’t ask for, but you certainly created).

Enjoy your lonely life, while I enjoy mine full of love from my family (sisters and all) and friends. You need not respond to this. I’m certain nothing you could say will change my mind about what a terrible excuse for a human being you are.

There’s not a lot I can say about that, as one of my good friends Ibti summed it up in a status today saying:

"My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.”

I have far more important things to talk about… But this is enough for now...

My shoulder sounds like there’s a diaper stuck to it. This afternoon I went to Incendiary to get the Arabic in my mom tribute tattoo touched up. I also introduced Jimmy to my next piece, which is now scheduled for the 3rd of March. The next piece will almost frame my mom’s tribute, draping from the upper portion of my right back/shoulder and then dropping down my arm. It is a floral henna-inspired tribute to my son that I drew, first on paper and then electronically with Illustrator. My least favorite part about getting fresh ink has to be the bandaging. It’s annoying and uncomfortable – though I suppose (like the non-pain of today’s touchup tattooing) it’s another test of the calm and the mind’s strength I’ve found of late.

This evening, Lars and I went back to the shop for a little get together. While Lars had a few drinks with the rest of them, I opted to be the sober driver so instead made way to Timmy’s for tea. As I was leaving with my mint tea, a collective giggle & snicker in the corner proved (once again) that some things never change nor grow. As I walked out the door I took a deep breath and felt a whole-hearted smile grow within me as that short moment was confirmation that I have made some very decent choices in my life about the people I choose to and choose not to surround myself with. With that I will share that if you are a part of my life today, I value you, so thank you.

Yesterday I turned off all my Facebook notifications so I’m not longer notified by email when someone comments on my page, likes a link or even adds me as a ‘friend’. That means I’ll no longer get Facebook on my phone. That also means (I found out rather quickly) a whole lot of freedom & time. I actually had a bit of time to read a book (on Yoga) in the afternoon yesterday! And today, we made time to do something social. It was nice!

There’s a lot changing in our lives right now. Lars and I bought our first shared pets today, Mikky & Malorie the Siamese Fighting Fish. We’re increasingly thinking & talking about making human babies and other things that the future might hold for us. Next year, we intend to buy property – sometime after of course, our April wedding.

Spending an hour a day on myself meditating is opening a whole new world of calm for me. It’s also helping ground me in ways I never knew possible. I feel inspired as I watch what would normally stress me right out roll its way through my entire being with each breath, like a leaf in the wind. I’m finding a true sense of calm and contentment in my life – and that’s all kinds of awesome.

Fuck you.

I’m not angry anymore about that stupid bitch. She’ll get hers, one day.

My brother and his girlfriend (the soon to be parents of Lars and my newest niece or nephew) came by for dinner tonight. Jesse called his father who insisted on talking to me, and then informed me that my aunt Patty has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has been given two years to live.

I’m just learning to deal with the stress with the everyday things like my job and my health for fucks sakes… I’m trying really hard not to make this about me, but fuck is it ever hard. Either I’m just selfish like that, or life really does need to throw me one goddamn lemon after another… But tonight… Tonight I’m making lemonade.

Jesse and Rachel are off buying an Ice Cream cake. I’ve asked them to make sure it says something lovely about the woman we could all live without. We’re going to eat that bitch sister of mine in some nasty way like we ate my grandmother a few weeks back.

And then next weekend, we’ll go show Patty some love over dinner.

My horoscope for 2012 says this year I’ll be hard to deal with. Maybe it has something to do with this year throwing more shit at me than I want to bother with. Or maybe, that’s just the stress still talking.

I finally got a response from the lawyer today. It didn’t come without pulling teeth though. Here’s how the conversation goes:

~*~

“Hello ***,
This is my 4th email to you about the status of my mother’s estate and whether or not Sheila’s refusal has had an effect on the same. There are two other beneficiaries here that are interested in the outcome who are looking to me for an answer. Are we going to get a cheque soon from my mom’s estate?
Martin and I are now questioning whether or not we wish to use you as legal counsel in the future as you are simply ignoring my request for an update. This is not what we look for in a lawyer at all.
As the legal executor of my mom’s estate, you have the right to charge us, but legally we question whether or not you have the right to ignore us when we have been as cooperative as we can about the entire situation.
If you could please update us as soon as possible on the same, we would appreciate the same much. We understand how frustrating it can be to deal with Sheila, but it is still not our fault.
Thanking you in advance for a response,
***”

~*~

“Hi ***, I sincerely apologize for not getting back to you. I spoke with (insert name of nasty former fireman who is fucking my sister and thus thinks it’s his business to get involved) last month and he indicated that Sheila is not prepared to waive a formal accounting of the estate, as they feel I acted inappropriately in selling the trailers to Martin. I have given a lot of thought to how to proceed. A formal application to the court to approve the estate administration may be inevitable given Sheila’s refusal. However, I will be speaking to (insert name of very expensive lawyer) on Monday about this to see if there are any alternatives and will report back to you after our call.
***”

~*~

“Thanks for the reply ***,
Is it safe for me to assume (and to tell others) that we are not going to get any money from my mom's estate, due to Sheila's refusal?”

~*~

“Hi ***, we will try to have the cost of the court application paid out of Sheila’s share, but it is possible that everyone’s share will be reduced.
***”
~*~

That fucking bitch and that dirty fat old bastard that’s fucking her, has issues with the executor selling my father the trailers for a thousand dollars after the appraisal came back and literally said they were worth nothing and should be recycled at the nearest dump. Do they really think they are going to get anywhere with this?

They’re not. Nope.

Just one more way that bitch can piss away any bits of remaining cash from my mom’s estate. It’s not bad enough she’s single-handedly forced us to spends thousands upon thousands of dollars on lawyers we would not otherwise need or want. But now, she has to deplete the little bit that’s less with an illogical refusal to end it all.

Some people truly are a waste of fucking air and should not have been born in the first place. This fucking cunt is the reason abortion should not only be legalized but FORCED upon some people. If my mom knew upon conception what Sheila would turn out to be and to do, there’s not a doubt in my mind she’d have aborted that fetus herself with a fucking hanger had she no other choice.

Sheila Fouchier (and all those dirty bastards who Google her name from time to time, know all you need to know about her is said in the next 7 words) you are a waste of human life.

Having breakfast at Sophie’s Place with my dad and Larry yesterday, I realized that one of my earrings is missing. These are the diamond studs Lars gave me a few weeks before Christmas. They match the tennis bracelet I unwrapped from him on Christmas morning.

When he gave both pieces to me I mentioned that I’d probably lose the earrings and break the bracelet (it being so dainty and all). He told me to wear them and that so long as I get to enjoy them then if they broke or were lost then it is what it is. Yesterday when I realized an earring was missing he reminded me that he could and would find me more shinies.

None of this makes me feel any better. I don’t want more earrings. I want those ones. I found the backing next to my side of the bed but I cannot find the actual stud. I feel as though I’ve looked everywhere and I keep hoping I’ll just roll over in bed and find it in my fingers or something. That’s probably not going to happen. But hell, it’s a good enough reason to go back to bed now.

As I sit on the couch here, I watch out the windows as two Humming Birds fly up and drink from each of the two feeders we have hanging outside each of our two bay windows. I can’t help but think as Lars’ Facebook status said this morning, ’just another morning in paradise.’ If it weren’t for those feeders, the Humming Birds would die, having no natural food source here in the winter and having learned long ago to depend on human assistance so they no longer migrate south. In a way, it’s a Paradise we help build – for us and for those around us. Even the Humming Birds now too lazy to fly away from the cold.

Why do we take so much offence to a person (any person) telling us, “We’re nothing alike you and I.” Is it the underlining insinuation that we can’t understand or empathize with where another person is at emotionally? That’s about all I figure it can be. It’s a conversation that started yesterday online and got my mind ticking and me thinking.

As we drove for what I referred to as a late-night trip (it was 6pm) to Dairy Queen to get an Ice Cream Cake to feed this sweet craving I was having, I mentioned to Lars how little he and I have in common. His response was, “Fuck off! We have a lot in common.”

That’s the way I felt when someone told me the same thing earlier. But really, our differences are what make life as entertaining as it is, so who cares about the rest? We all get to live in the Paradise or Hell we choose to create.

What we really need to figure out is, why do we spend so much time creating little ‘mind-hells’ to dwell in when right here, right now, where the Humming Birds dance in front of my windows, I could be enjoying a little bit of my Paradise?

I woke with a headache this morning, but it made me realize I didn’t have one yesterday. Yesterday was a break from the month-long hurt I’d be enduring. Getting a good night’s sleep seems to be bigger portion of the problem than I thought.

It occurred to me yesterday as my boss spoke about the upcoming year’s events and how much a part of the plans I still was, she had ignored (or not been totally informed by her daughter) of my resignation.

I’m thinking that’s exactly what I needed.

I don’t want to quit my job. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do. I just need to learn to handle the stress better.

She’s not the first person to blatantly ignore me when I’m insisting on things that perhaps aren’t in my best interest. My mother-in-law ignored me when I told her I don’t want more babies. I thought it was ridiculously funny then and now, I see that I was maybe wrong.