Forever Tainted

Every morning you wake up fresh. Whole new sets of decisions are presented to you, because each morning is the first morning of the rest of your life. It dawned on me today, how profoundly true that is.

I’ve come to a place in my life where I realize can choose my fate. I don’t mean that like some godless atheist who thinks they can predict the future, their time of death, or is immortal, but rather, I understand clearly how my actions today will create my tomorrow. I choose to be happy. To be happy, I need to surround myself with people who make me smile. I need to do things I take pleasure in. I need to find what makes me feel physically and mentally happy and I need to use that information to take care of my body, my spirit and my mind because when I’m taken care of, I feel good. I choose to love and be loved – because that makes me happy. I choose to accept my mistakes and embrace lessons as they are presented to me because this makes me grow, and growing, understanding also makes me happy.

When the Whore of Lucifer was just 13 years old, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Anastasia was born on Aug 20th, 1992. With the encouragement of my mom, the stupid cunt being no more suitable a mother 20 years ago than she is today, gave her baby up for adoption. Anastasia found us on Sept 27, 2011. I believe her biological mother Sheila has not succeeded in offering another person on earth a single good thing, but brought only pure evil to this planet and we who inhabit it. Having served no real purpose to anything or anyone, I believe she should douse herself gasoline and light a fucking match. But perhaps I’d missed something. Perhaps Anastasia is the positive purpose of Sheila’s otherwise wasted life? Whatever she is, we will embrace her as a part of our family. We love her already. We will care for her and support her as best we can. And we have 20 years to catch up on.

As I grow up, become more positive, more content, and so much closer to being completely happy, my family is growing. I can’t help but feel perhaps I just didn’t have enough love in the past for me, let alone for others. And now that I do, they’re all migrating towards me. When my mom died, I felt I could count on one hand the number of people I had to fall back on, the number of family members. In fact, I felt like I really only had my step-father and my brother.

Then I found Lars. And with Lars came a family full of love. Each and every one of his family members has done all they can to embrace me and mine as one of their own. They love us. They teach us to love more openly. They are there if we fall – and they’ve made sure I know that includes me too. Lars and I are beginning to plan our wedding now. We’ve been looking into renting a castle for the ceremony, and we’ve asked the greatest hippy we know to marry us. We’ve talked about children too, and have tossed around the idea of adopting, actually – but that is for another entry.

Then I found my brother and sisters. Renee came out with her boys and suddenly I felt a little more whole. Renee and I hit it off right away. For two people who lived such different lives, and who are such different people, we sure do have a lot in common; share a lot of ideals. I love her to death and regret not knowing of her sooner. I’ve yet to meet Brandy, Amanda or Adam and though I can’t wait to meet Brandy and Adam, I’m not so sure about Amanda. She has refused to talk to me at all making clear she doesn’t want or need another sister. She has hardly said a word to me in the months since I added her to my facebook and have reached out to get to know everyone. But then recently, she doesn’t hesitate to give me her address (without a pleasantry, a ‘thank you for thinking of us’ or ‘hello’ even) when I mention my I’m preparing my Christmas list. I can’t help but wonder how much positive energy there is to be found there. I’m starting to think maybe there’s not enough for her, let alone enough for her to share with others. Some people choose to be miserable – and though they blame the whole world for being at fault, they’ve chosen to take those steps that minimize the size of their world – the amount of their happiness, the love they let in. I know that way of life all too well, as I lived it for way too long. I can live without that in my life now. Though I do hope to one day meet her son and my biological nephew Kolton, one day. I have patience.

We had Thanksgiving dinner tonight. My brother, his new lady, her father and brother (who happen to be our neighbors, we'd never met until tonight) all joined Martin and I. It was a fantastic evening, though would have been even better if Lars was closer, especially as today is his birthday. He’s in Manitoba again, falling trees. I miss him a whole lot and cannot wait until he gets home again.

Anyway, it’s been way too long since I shared my thoughts here – and as such, I've rambled on and on and on when all I really wanted to share is, it really is up to you, your happiness. Forgive the long delays between posts. Turns out when you choose to start living life, there’s not a lot of room for much else (at least until you learn to organize your time a little better!!!)!