Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I gave Lars a greeting card tonight. It said, “I want to grow old and disgusting with you.” I’m pretty sure he feels the same and for that I’m pretty lucky. There’s another in the stack, waiting for the right time for me to hand it over. Perhaps, just maybe… I’ll hand it over once he’s had a chance to read and absorb these thoughts of mine.

I lost the true love of my life when I was a teenager. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve written about him & our fairytale-like tragedy. I cannot, until today, forget the man he was, who he made me, and who he became without me, and I without him.

I never thought I’d find a man who’d take his place. And I haven’t. My true love is out there somewhere... And he can go fuck himself. I’ve found someone that means so much more. I found someone whom I know would not let anything, nothing at all get between us. I found a man who might just possibly love me more than I do him (as if that were possible!). I found a man who will fight for me. I found a man I can depend on, without a doubt. I found a man who knows everything about me, and truly loves me still. I found a man who is secure enough in us, that I can be totally honest with him about everything. I found a man I may not always agree with, but love him for him just the same. I found a man that is not my ideal or true love, but my absolute soul mate. I found my match.

Leah… I know you once thought he was your man. He wasn’t. Your man is still out there – only you won’t find him if you don’t stop dwelling on mine, as if he were ever really meant to be with you. You really do need to move on now.

Lars arrived home from Manitoba last night. He’s not allowed to go again any time soon. We missed him far too much around here.

With my mom’s estate issues coming to an end, Lars, my father and I are all planning the future now. We’re taking steps towards Lars & my wedding, me building a home (shhh!), and Lars and I either having or adopting children. At 30 years old, I look and feel better than I have in my entire life. I’m surrounded by more love than I’ve ever known. I am so incredibly blessed. If 2012 is the end of the world, I’d want just one last hug from my son, and I’d be pretty much alright with that.

3 words of wisdom:

Lars said...

I love you ... More and more everyday. You are as much a part of me as I am you <3

Tainted Female said...


Leah said...

I just wanted you to know, that I check in because I truly have moved on and I am very happy for you. I myself am getting married to my fiance this November 11th. We are incredibly in love and feel very much like the rest of our lives holds the very best of joy. I have read your blog, smiled in your happinness, frowned for your sorrows. I am truly happy that you and Lars are getting married and planning children, as I have found my soulmate and would not have if I hadn't gone through what I did with Lars and yes, even the bitterness that once laid between us, Crystal. I am not angry, in fact, I am very happy. You are more than welcome to read my blog and see for yourself... and you should know, that I could never be more grateful for the day that I had my heart broken by Lars because it really brought me closer to finding my soulmate and now I have. Steve is incredible and everything I'd always dreamed of. I am not angry anymore, I am not bitter. I wish you all the joy that I feel with my life. And I hope that you, too, are past the anger, as I truly only feel happiness when you are happy and am grateful that someone I did love at one time has found someone he loves as much as she loves him. Because I have.

Good luck in the future. <3


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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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