Forever Tainted

The Holiday Season is Here…

So much has happened since I last wrote here; most of which good – and even that which isn’t the greatest always seems to have a silver lining eventually. I’d almost forgotten about this little haven.

“Blog More,” the text message I got last night read. It was from James, a friend and fellow blogger. He’s right. I haven’t spent enough time here and writing. And I seemed to have abandoned my journaling all together once again. Change is inevitable, but who would have thought something I was once so passionate about, writing, would now seem so meaningless? Oh how that mirrors so much in my life.

I’m not 19 anymore and I don’t know it all. What else is there to say?

For the sake of the sake, Lars and I have pretty much finished both suites now (he did far more work than I), and now all that’s left is the cave for the hottub. Winter’s here and winter sucks both for construction and my personal mood. With earlier evenings (who is the idiot that thinks we still must observe daylight savings?) and colder days, I find myself lazy, listless and mildly depressed. I suppose the medication ensures that depression stays mild. And work keeps me too busy to ponder too many evils.

Work is better than good. The few evils I ponder are horrific. I think about my mom, and though I have come to terms with her death, I don’t know that I’ll ever come to term with how she died and how much pain she endured; 7 heart attacks in a row. I don’t know that I’ll ever come to terms with the people who helped her die, and desecrated her remains after the fact; we are still in legal battles. I don’t know that I’ll ever view life the same way again.

I think about my son, and the quote I was given for a lawyer to look into a case to have him here, or at least force his father to give me regular updates on his well-being… $7,500 American, as a retainer. That’s just the start. It’s simply not something I can afford today – though you can bet your ass that if I find the markets turn and selling my apartment in Dubai because a feasible solution, I will pay 5 times that without blinking an eye. I miss my son.

And through it all, Lars is there to love me, comfort me and accept me, even for my most horrible moods. I suppose I’m pretty lucky these days. Lucky enough to feel I have little to say here...