Forever Tainted

I can still picture it, feel it, at this very moment.

We sat in a booth of a dimly lit bar called Julie’s. Filipino singers sang western tunes in the background, which often throughout the night became the foreground as my friends and mother got up to dance. There were tumblers full of amber-coloured liquids next to shot glasses left with only a creamy residue inside them, spread across the table. Everyone wore wide smiles and shared heartfelt laughter.

My mom followed Tareq back to the table from the dance floor after he humoured her with a dance. I can still picture how she held one hand to her nose, waving the other in the air and rocking her body from side to side as she pulled herself into a crouch near the ground and then danced herself back up and out. It takes a special kind of person to humour such an embarrassing dance, and on that night, my mother and I were lucky enough to have him at our table.

’I wish this moment would last forever,’ I thought to myself, as I realized I simply couldn’t possibly feel more joy at any given moment. That night, I was sincerely living for the ‘now’; enjoying life for what it is. I wasn’t waiting for a moment to end or start, as we spend so much of our lives doing. I wasn’t worrying about the past or future, even. I was truly living In. The. Moment. And because of that, and the pure joy I felt at that time, it’s one of my fondest memories.

I’m 29-years-old. That evening was just under half my life ago. My mother has since passed on, and I don’t see nearly as much of Tareq as I would like – though I’ll always treasure him for who he is, and the memories I have that he was so very much a part of. Until the night before last, I don’t remember having a single moment after that night at Julie's where I thought to myself, ’I wish this very moment would last forever.

Lars took me to a Dane Cook show. He is by far my favourite all-time comedian. While sitting there, amongst some 7,000 people, I found myself lost for another moment in the moment. I laughed, and I smiled, and my heart was simply so full of joy, that while I sat entertained, I truly found myself living in the moment, again. I thought to myself, ’I wish this very moment would last forever.

These were two totally difference experiences, at two totally different times in my life. Both shared very similar feelings, and the exact same thought. I spend a lot of my life waiting for or worrying about something. Suffering depression as I do, happiness and joy just don’t come easily to me. So, I’ll be forever thankful for those who are a part of making those moments happen.

Thank you guys… for you and the moments you help create in my life.