Forever Tainted

I can still picture it, feel it, at this very moment.

We sat in a booth of a dimly lit bar called Julie’s. Filipino singers sang western tunes in the background, which often throughout the night became the foreground as my friends and mother got up to dance. There were tumblers full of amber-coloured liquids next to shot glasses left with only a creamy residue inside them, spread across the table. Everyone wore wide smiles and shared heartfelt laughter.

My mom followed Tareq back to the table from the dance floor after he humoured her with a dance. I can still picture how she held one hand to her nose, waving the other in the air and rocking her body from side to side as she pulled herself into a crouch near the ground and then danced herself back up and out. It takes a special kind of person to humour such an embarrassing dance, and on that night, my mother and I were lucky enough to have him at our table.

’I wish this moment would last forever,’ I thought to myself, as I realized I simply couldn’t possibly feel more joy at any given moment. That night, I was sincerely living for the ‘now’; enjoying life for what it is. I wasn’t waiting for a moment to end or start, as we spend so much of our lives doing. I wasn’t worrying about the past or future, even. I was truly living In. The. Moment. And because of that, and the pure joy I felt at that time, it’s one of my fondest memories.

I’m 29-years-old. That evening was just under half my life ago. My mother has since passed on, and I don’t see nearly as much of Tareq as I would like – though I’ll always treasure him for who he is, and the memories I have that he was so very much a part of. Until the night before last, I don’t remember having a single moment after that night at Julie's where I thought to myself, ’I wish this very moment would last forever.

Lars took me to a Dane Cook show. He is by far my favourite all-time comedian. While sitting there, amongst some 7,000 people, I found myself lost for another moment in the moment. I laughed, and I smiled, and my heart was simply so full of joy, that while I sat entertained, I truly found myself living in the moment, again. I thought to myself, ’I wish this very moment would last forever.

These were two totally difference experiences, at two totally different times in my life. Both shared very similar feelings, and the exact same thought. I spend a lot of my life waiting for or worrying about something. Suffering depression as I do, happiness and joy just don’t come easily to me. So, I’ll be forever thankful for those who are a part of making those moments happen.

Thank you guys… for you and the moments you help create in my life.

It’s not supposed to snow on the west coast, or at least that’s what they say… It didn’t snow last year, but the year before that my father couldn’t bring his car down the drive for a month the snow and ice was so bad. So far this year, it’s been about 3 days that his car has been parked at the top of the driveway, on the street. My car, on the other hand has top of the line all-weather tires, thanks to my consistent trips to the often-snowy Squamish, and the legalities of driving on the 99 without them in the winter seasons. My car is the vehicle being used for most transport these days – even though I’m not in it.

This is the view from my office; a picture I took while working yesterday:



I’m not a fan of snow. And we islanders don’t know much about living in it and a little bit, means a lot of chaos. I’m thankful for the most part I get to stay home and out of it, if not for the snow, then for the idiots who don’t know how to act in it; you know, those people who think summer tires won’t cause their car to slide into mine…

Lars got rear-ended yesterday. He wasn’t driving my car. Almost immediately after he pulled out of that accident, he was almost in another. We’re not in Dubai; where major accidents are seen about any time you leave the house. Car accidents are so rare here, that little fender-benders have people stopping to stare for hours on end. At one point throughout his travels yesterday, it took him almost half an hour to drive a block – traffic was creeping so slowly. This feels a lot like I imagine hell freezing over would.

Again, I’m thankful I can hide from the most of it. And today is meant to be the coldest day of the week, before it heats up a little again. Hopefully, by the time I write my next entry, I’ll have a lot less ‘cold’ to bitch about.

It’s starting to feel like I’ve literally lived in every inch of this house. After mom died and I had to come back home, it was a room upstairs until the 1st basement suite was finished. When that was complete, I moved into the smaller of the two suites this house has. Then I met and fell in love with Lars. My suite wasn’t big enough for the both of us. So when the tenant of the other suite moved out, Lars and I moved on to complete the renovations of the larger basement suite and upon it’s completion we moved in.

With the completion of that suite my father bought us a hot tub (in addition to a few other toys), and Lars has fallen in love with it. He’s busy switching the filter out now, and will then move on to creating a false-rock type cave to enclose it. It’s a project that will probably take all winter to complete… and now, it doesn’t look like we’ll have that much time.

My brother has decided to move out. And with that, the logical thing for Lars and I to do, is move back upstairs and leave both suites in the basement for renters. It makes logical, and financial sense (especially since one of the suites now has a private hot tub!). There are two rooms on the main floor of the house. Both unoccupied. One can be my office, the other can be our bedroom. But Lars loves his tub so tomorrow; my dad and I are going shopping for a new hot tub – one for the main floor of the house.

We’ve done a lot of shopping lately. With Christmas around the corner, and my sister planning on coming with the kids, it’s starting to feel a lot like the holidays are already here. I adore shopping for others. And as it turns out, so does Lars. We’re all set to surprise one another it seems. And if we were competing on who bought whom the best gift, I have a felling it’d be a pretty close battle!

With the festivities and with John (my sisters ex) still being a complete head-case/dickhead and now saying he is going away for the entire school vacation, rather than taking my niece and nephew for a second Christmas after their Christmas here, it looks like Lars and I won’t be making a move upstairs until after new years at the latest.

We are getting excited about the idea anyway… And the prospect of that extra office/room being there means there is an ample amount of space for my son if and when he gets here. I talked to him this morning and assured him that when he was big enough it would be possible for him to come here. It’s Eid and he’s busy celebrating with his cousins – but was more than happy to step away so we could talk for a bit. Getting a hold of him was a bit a nightmare, and required me making threats to his father about contacting the UAE police if I didn’t hear something from someone soon. I have been trying to call for a week now without response. Almost immediately after I sent the text, his father replied by text saying he would get my sons cell phone too him right away, and his wife was texting me the cell number to my sons grandfather, saying I could reach him there because his cell phone was at home.

That’s the first bit of communication my ex husband has made with me since he started ignoring me (and stopped making alimony/support payments). But whatever… it’s irrelevant right now. I talked to my baby and he’s well. And he’s getting bigger. And it won’t be long now, and he’ll be here with me. That’s about the only thing on earth that could make my life anymore complete.

I don’t get what’s wrong with this society. Everyone bitches, and whinges in the confides of their comfy homes to their closest friends about the same unjust things, but no one, and I mean NO ONE will stand up and fight for what they believe in – and in doing so, they do NOTHING to rectify the problems they bitch about.

Bad doesn’t really happen if we close our eyes so tight we don’t see it. He’s not really, evil… He’s just acting evil. I don’t want him to dislike me, so I should find someway to agree with him and her both.

What a crock of shit – a crock of shit you only see when the evil is being impressed on you and everyone reacts in the very way you are now. Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take sides. Sometimes, it’s RIGHT to make disgusting injustices known to as many people as possible, because awareness IS POWER. Sometimes, the asshole needs to be told he’s an asshole and in that he’ll be forced to look at his own actions and think twice.

Just under a year ago, my sister decided to leave her common-law husband. Ever since, he’s been waging an emotional and psychological war against her, using their 7-year-old twin children as missiles. And ever since, she’s found herself defending herself against him, desperately trying to protect her children from the emotional abuse, and putting together the pieces of them as he so quickly tears those babies apart again. Making a child choose between mommy and daddy is just about the worst thing a parent can do. And when those children grow up, they will NOT forget which parent played the games.

So long as she and we are quiet about all that’s going on, everyone agrees with her. But as soon as we have had enough, and taken a stance, made public his actions, we’re the bad people – somehow we’re worse than he is for abusing and harassing her and the kids, because we are making SURE that people know about it; because we REFUSE to sit back any longer and let it continue.

It’s amazing, because making public his threats have made the threats stop. While silence allowed it to continue for months, and months!!!

Still, those people who claim to love my sister, those who claim to have defended her, who claim they’ve witnessed his obscenities with their own eyes and do not condone it, they now disown her and me, and anyone who says out loud, “HEY, I’ve had enough of this BULLSHIT. AND NOW IT’S TIME TO END IT.”

If you don’t want anything to do with the drama… stay out of it. It's possible to do that without causing more pain to those involved. Don’t make us choose between being your friend or standing up for what we believe in. There is enough bullshit in this situation. Trying to push your weaknesses on us, while claiming moral superiority is simply not fair and only adds to the negativity that all are feeling.

If you're not a part of the solution... You're part of the problem. And pretending the situation isn't there... doesn't make that true.

The Holiday Season is Here…

So much has happened since I last wrote here; most of which good – and even that which isn’t the greatest always seems to have a silver lining eventually. I’d almost forgotten about this little haven.

“Blog More,” the text message I got last night read. It was from James, a friend and fellow blogger. He’s right. I haven’t spent enough time here and writing. And I seemed to have abandoned my journaling all together once again. Change is inevitable, but who would have thought something I was once so passionate about, writing, would now seem so meaningless? Oh how that mirrors so much in my life.

I’m not 19 anymore and I don’t know it all. What else is there to say?

For the sake of the sake, Lars and I have pretty much finished both suites now (he did far more work than I), and now all that’s left is the cave for the hottub. Winter’s here and winter sucks both for construction and my personal mood. With earlier evenings (who is the idiot that thinks we still must observe daylight savings?) and colder days, I find myself lazy, listless and mildly depressed. I suppose the medication ensures that depression stays mild. And work keeps me too busy to ponder too many evils.

Work is better than good. The few evils I ponder are horrific. I think about my mom, and though I have come to terms with her death, I don’t know that I’ll ever come to term with how she died and how much pain she endured; 7 heart attacks in a row. I don’t know that I’ll ever come to terms with the people who helped her die, and desecrated her remains after the fact; we are still in legal battles. I don’t know that I’ll ever view life the same way again.

I think about my son, and the quote I was given for a lawyer to look into a case to have him here, or at least force his father to give me regular updates on his well-being… $7,500 American, as a retainer. That’s just the start. It’s simply not something I can afford today – though you can bet your ass that if I find the markets turn and selling my apartment in Dubai because a feasible solution, I will pay 5 times that without blinking an eye. I miss my son.

And through it all, Lars is there to love me, comfort me and accept me, even for my most horrible moods. I suppose I’m pretty lucky these days. Lucky enough to feel I have little to say here...