Saturday, July 3, 2010
Some people will stay in a miserable relationship month after month, year after year; lying to themselves about matters of the heart when in reality they are simply afraid of change; afraid to be single. I’m not like that at all (anymore), which is why ill wishes from dumb whores like Lars’ ex, that he makes me miserable for the rest of my life, will never, ever be granted. I simply wouldn’t allow it. The minute I evaluate my relationship with him and realize I’m spending more time unhappy than happy, that’s the minute I walk away. And me NOT being co-dependant, like that dumb cunt is, I’d be perfectly ok with doing that, knowing it was for the best. For the most part, he and I have been pretty fucking happy together…

Today though… I’m miserable. In fact, I’m down right out pissed off at Lars – if not on the verge of tears. This morning, we actually yelled at each other for the very first time. Yelling doesn’t look good on him, in fact it came across as more a whine. (How ridiculous the accusation that he was ever capable of controlling/abusing some woman with serious daddy issues in his past!!!) A result of our fight was me choosing not to spend the day with him; sending him to the mainland on his own. In doing so, I sincerely hope he enjoys his day with his family and I find some way to enjoy my day without him. I regret not seeing his beautiful mom & sister, and that is really upsetting for me. Everything between him and I, I’m sure will pass.

But… I’m a strong woman, and there’s a lot of shit I won’t put up with that maybe he’s become accustomed to getting away with, in relationships with weaker women in his past…? For him and I, they’re growing pains. We’re learning where each other draws the line. And either we’ll grow into each other, or we’ll grow out of one another. Either way, neither one of us will be miserable permanently. We’re well-rounded grownups that way.

And though today is crap, yesterday he spent a good deal of time just showing me how much I really mean to him. The boy spoiled me rotten – to the point where I had to call his mom and ask her to help make him stop… While I was working, Lars went out of his way to buy me a few things that I needed, and a few more things that I just wanted, and then even some things that would just make me smile. It was actually, far too much and I almost got mad at him for the sheer irresponsibility of his spending. His financial stability is as important to me, as mine is.

Anyway, I’m off to get stuff ready for tomorrow’s Flea Market. Might as well make the best I possibly can of this day… till he comes home, we make up and snuggle up for the night.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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