Forever Tainted

And off you go again. Leaving behind diamonds and an unspoken promise of forever. My whole life has lead up until the moment I met you. And I miss you when you’re gone. I know you’ll be back soon…

Without you, I was able to go to the salon and get my nails done. I promised the girls there, I’d bring you next time. They promised they’d talk you into getting a pedicure. I’m sure you’ll do it. And I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. No polish though – polish would make you a metro man. I like you just… Man.

And what a man you are!

Our midnight mingling, awoken by your lips on my neck, so quickly we melted into one another, followed by this mornings’ tumble, you making everything feel like it’s my first… you make it so hard for me to let you go… even for a short while.

I love you, you know. Come back to me soon.

20 years ago his mother moved in with her current love after knowing him only a month. They are still as madly in love today as they were way back then. She tells me they still giggle. They grew together, changed together. I’m certain that’s one of the reasons she is so for my Lars and I, already. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she’s already hinting at hopes of him and I having children. I’m certain it’s one of the reasons she believes her son has found his ‘one’, and I have found mine in him.

Besides… I schooled him at chess…

Today is his 1st day at his new job here, on the island. Or rather, today is his interview day. Though there’s no reason at all to think he won’t get the job. He’s strong, he’s dedicated, and he’s a hard worker. We are going to build a future together, step-by-step. We’ll accomplish much together, I’m sure.

In order to build a future, we must first come to terms and make sense of our past. And he has a past – though I certainly spend more time thinking about it than he does. He feels he spent enough time trying to make sense of it without success. He has come to terms with that – while for me; it’s just an anomaly. And anomalies amuse me to no end. They always have and always will.

Life is ever changing and always staying the same. And while she will never thank us for removing her from the cloud that he and I are falling into, we know today we did what was best... for her and for us. She will never realize that today, she cries less for him because she is not able to witness what he and I and all those around us are becoming together. I see it though. Her words no longer surround him. Her thoughts are no longer on me being with him. She is finally allowing herself to move on - if only on the surface of her soul, the subconscious will follow. She can do so because… She is no longer privy to seeing what he gives me so freely and was unable to give her. I sincerely hope she never regrets the permanent symbols she’s married herself to, while screaming about their independence; her subconscious knows all too well, they are tied to him in every way. When she realizes through and through that he has let go, I hope she learns to let go too.

And we are better off as we are no longer made to feel guilt for our love-struck actions and we are free to know they have nothing to do with her. We dance together, scream one another’s names at the top of our lungs and share our love so freely, so openly that those around us are in love with our love & happiness. And there is no one to accuse, we’re doing it out of spite for her. There are no irrational, immature outbursts of veiled hate, or seething jealousy, grotesquely costumed with a broken innocence or pure intentions.

The best told lies are the ones we tell ourselves, and believe. And she sincerely believes she’s pure.

Now… There is only love in our lives.

And he and I can sincerely hope she learns to live with her, moves on and finds in someone else, what we have found in each other.

Check mate…

Waking up without you is like waking up empty.

I should be cautious. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is. Not with you. With you, I can’t imagine it. I can however, see us growing up, growing old, getting married and even making babies one day…

You always have the right thing to say. And when I told you I’d never make that whole marriage mistake again, you told me it would be no mistake. When you told me you loved me and I rejected the use of such a huge word, you told me it was a word you did not use lightly. And I know that’s true – but I do not want to believe... When I asked how you knew your emotions weren’t lying to you, you reminded me of how well you know yourself. And I believe you do.

I don’t know everything there is to know about you, but I know I’m in love with you too. I just refuse to bring those words to my lips, should you hear… it might be the induction of my heart’s demise. I have been deceived by my very own heart before...

Where have you been my entire life? And how is it any one person fits another like a glove and seemingly fits no one else just right? Who tailored us for one another? And why did we have to spend so many years attempting and failing with others? Why did I have to be just this jaded for you to find me and pull all my pieces together? And why is it, you seem to know exactly where everything goes?

It’s just right. It’s all just right. I fell into your mother and your sister like they were family of my own. Such instantaneous love all around. Never before have virtual strangers been able to bring me so close to tears of joy, nor have I shared such whole-hearted laughter. They’re right.

It’s as close to perfection as I could ever hope to be. Except… you live too far away. And I know we’re in the process of changing that. It just feels so soon, so sudden, so rushed… but so very right. And so very much meant to be because… waking up without you is like waking up empty.

Choose to embrace all the pain, the hurt, the ugly, the untrue, and the negative will completely consume you.

Open your eyes and see. Your life is not up to me. Nor him. Nor them over there. It is all, every little bit of it, completely up to you.

If you want to be happy… Be happy. And it really is that simple…

…if you want it to be.

If getting there means crossing boarders and moving miles away from this place and closer to those you love, then go. If staying put is what your heart needs to heal, then do just that. But learn to take control of you. Your very own subconscious is screaming this at you, begging you too. Why do you refuse to listen?

There is not a place, physically, psychologically, nor emotionally too far out of reach for you – if only you knew. Happiness could and would consume you...

...Too.

‘I can’t even hate you. And I honestly, truly want to. I never thought I’d find myself actually welcoming someone into my heart as I do you. I thought I was too broken to even know how to love anymore. The fact that I have no control… I know it’s real. I’m just too scared to admit it.’

‘I think you just did… And I love you for it :]’

~*~

‘I have been on this planet 32 years… I know what I am… who I am… and that no one has ever completed me… Some came close, even made me happy for a time. But… 3 years after I was born, my match was brought into this world… And it took 26 years to grow into each other’s paths. :) I’m glad I found you… Most people don’t get to. :]’

~*~

So quickly you've become my world. So true you make me feel. And no matter how many times you may have uttered similar words in the past, I know by the way you look at me you're telling no lies. I know by the way your hands feel on my skin and in my hair as you whisper words of conviction in my ear, that we're going to grow old together, just as you assure.

So tonight I meet both your mom and sister. I'm armed with banana bread and fridge magnets of their favorite photos that you and I made together. I know I'll love them both, and I'm certain that they will love me. Everything about this feels so right. Finally...

My whole life I've wondered when it's going to be my turn; when God would give me the break I so truly deserve, after sacrificing so much of me for so long to both deserving and those who were not. It finally feels like my turn has come. And I refuse to let that pass without recognition. el7emdullah rab illa alameen. I wish my mama were alive to meet and fall in love with you too. I know she's looking down on us and smiling... And I know she knows, you're going to take care of her little girl.

~*~

'I know we will work out babe. Somethings don't fall into place as easy as others... but all in all, we will be together. :] Hardship makes most things more enjoyable in the end. Things that come easily, usually go easy. Like I said before, I love that I have to cross an ocean for you... For your heart of gold.'

~*~



~*~

'Makes me feel honored I have a woman worth that much to me... This early in a relationship, it is a good thing. I know I don't want to leave you now but the time I spend travilling gives me an opportunity to be sure what I am feeling for you. I know there is a lot to learn from and about each other... Can't wait to wake up to your gorgeous green eyes all the time.'

~*~

How do I not fall in love with you?

I like being a toy. People play with toys. People love to play. Love makes people smile. I smile when I make people smile. Toys are good.

Betcha wish you were a toy too, dontcha?

You told me I complete you and though I’ve not uttered the words, you complete me too.



I watch as your relationships broken between blood are now mended, and I smile as I feel you closer to whole. I love that you’ve found peace with your mom and are finding the same with your sister. I love that in so many words you’ve declared your love for me and so have they. I love that your mother confides in me that she doesn’t recall ever seeing you so happy as this confirms what I already know is true. I was meant for you, and you for me. I love that we’re falling in love and there’s nothing the envious can do – though they try at their own demise.



I think I have found forever in you. And I think you know it too.

I wish there was a life leave; we could take while we fall into one another. Someone else would worry about the dishes, the laundry and whether or not the pets were fed. And you and I could just be, alone in our heads – together.

What matters…

I miss you Zorana.

I ran alone tonight. I ran hard. I ran from what I was feeling. I ran to cleanse. I ran until I felt a jinnie (Authu bi Allah min ashaytan ir regime) behind me. I saw his shadow, shorter than myself, running beside me. I gasped. My heart raced, and I started to panic. I spun and ran as hard as I could towards the light. And you flashed in my mind. I saw you seething, not breathing as you growled in my direction. I watched your eyes roll back into your head, before finally your face softened and you whimpered my name. I heard the thunder of his chanting holy words. I saw myself run towards you and heard my husband and the Mullah yell at me simultaneously to leave you crying on my livingroom floor – because it wasn’t really you at all.

And for a moment tonight, I felt foolish as if I didn’t believe my own story. But I know it was true. I know it happened. I saw it with my own eyes. And I know for a moment tonight, I was at risk myself.

I miss you Zorana. I love you terribly and wish you were with me at nights like tonight.

The third, unintentional, unknown to you. And perhaps she is the most precious of all. I asked if the first symbolized death, you laughed in my face and assured me it was not so, “Not this one my dear, not this one at all!” The second rose was a little closer to a lovers dozen. I smiled. You’d given me a symbol for each visit. I miss you already.



The third may be torn between loving and loathing without control, may wish an end instead of a start, and the past to present from time to time. And so much like a younger me, I know this animosity. I’m sorry. It gets better. Time heals… and so many other clichéd things to say run through my mind. But the truth is, I know nothing I could say will take away your pain. And I wouldn’t, not even if I could.

You’re so very strong. You’re so very true. You’re so very raw and so very much you. And there are lessons to be learned about unrequited love, and broken hearts with hands waiting to heal them in your shadows. There is so much more than your eyes let you see, and soon enough someone will see… in you, what he sees in me.

But the lesson I learned (many years beyond your age), was another cliché, that I had to love me. And to love yourself, you need time alone, no man, no lover, no tainted thoughts but your own. Learn about you and how you decide your own fate, learn about love and its vast estate - waiting for you to embrace it if only you knew how. There’s a difference between love and dependency, realizing this… is the major difference between you and me. And this pain you feel, is a tool you cannot yet see, in teaching you true independency.

I wish you true love, and faith and so very much more. But after so many lost years, it’s finally my turn, and I will let this love sore, if that’s how high I’m finally meant to be.

It’s hard to believe I met you less than 24 hours ago.

You gave me butterflies, taking my hand into yours just minutes before our breakfasts were served. It’s been far too long since I’ve felt a fluttering like wings in my tummy. Pulling my hands away, I’ve never felt food so invasive in my life.

You made me feel for a moment like young love, captivated by a crush, lost in the rush of such innocent courting.

For hours we lay together, slumbered in one another’s arms like old friends, new lovers, or somewhere in between. How comfortable I am with you – even if only for a day.

You pulled away too soon. You live too far.

I am…

…not surprised that you took that which you did not pay for. Even your psuedo-intellect is fantastic, why should your morals not be?

From cow to plastic you stole and even my brother, your equal (though you see it not) is not surprised (and you would not neither, if you were he!).

You see not like the rest of us… and may you never see it our way.

As I fear the humiliation of being you would kill you without question.

How much you must hate yourself not to see.