Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I have a beautiful resume. I’ve been given a lot of great chances for great learning opportunities. And I continue to be offered them. But I have no aim, no motivation, no direction and little education. I have no routine. I am flakey.

My 5-year-old son is on the other side of the planet with his father, and new step-mother. I can’t stand to be in that country, though I sincerely have a love/hate relationship with it. His father won’t allow him to come here, and in all honesty, I know that’s best for him. I miss him and I know he misses me.

I’ve burned a lot of bridges and I continue to do so. I have a sister I don’t deal with and a grandmother I have not talked to for more than 10 years now. My mother is having seizures, dying from a combination of psychological and physical symptoms, combined with alcohol abuse that is killing her liver and brain cells. She currently believes I’m her nemesis and I have no idea why, when all I’ve done for the past year is try to help her get the help she needs.

I’m great at just about everything I do until I sabotage myself. My talents have all almost dwindled to past-time hobbies. I could have written a book – had an offer once from a publishing house. I could have continued painting and selling art – that went well for a while. I could continue making my jewellery if only I had the motivation to bother selling it – almost everyone says I should. I could have done so many things, but none of them kept my attention for long.

I’ve gained 25 lbs since I’ve been back in Canada, and I have no idea how that happened.

At the end of the day, I’m a 27-year-old loser. I keep asking myself if I’m ready to do something about that, if I’m ready to change that. But even now, I’m not sure.

I’ve enrolled in a correspondence school for a bookkeeping degree. Turns out I have a thing for numbers too. I’ve been offered a position as a financial advisor, a career that takes a hell of a lot of studying and work, with little pay initially, but a brilliant future if you stick to it. I’ve been offered an opportunity to get a real estate license here, but again, that is a career that takes a hell of a lot of study and work, with little pay initially, but a brilliant future if you stick to it. I’m considering taking a part-time job, while I study bookkeeping, and one of the other two options, but I’m not sure enough of myself that I’ll even stick with anything till the end.

It’s about time I threw my hands up in the air and said, “Screw the past when it hurts. Screw my mom for hating me. Screw the fuck-up I’ve been. And it’s time to turn a new page and work on me and my future.” But how the hell do you kill old habits, when it’s really hard to determine exactly what they are and which ones need to go in the first place?

6 words of wisdom:

A world of Symphony said...

I’m great at just about everything I do until I sabotage myself.

So why don't you put that trait of yours great at just about everything to good use instead of wrecking it?

what they are and which ones need to go in the first place?

Make a list.
Prioritize.
And then go after them.
Piece by piece.
One bit.
One step.
One day at a time.

Of all the things I've missed about you, is your no-nonsense, hard-hitting candor.

You ought to post more often.

XXOO :)

Tainted Female said...

Wow have I ever missed you. I also seem to have lost my flair for writing these days. Not sure what's happened to it. Maybe it'll come back. I started this blog as an attempt, but as you can see... I haven't pushed myself to write in it daily.

Thank you for your kind words. The problem is, I've never been good with making lists. I will be sure to remember to pop into your blog and take a look soon. But for now, I need to get ready to go on that interview for the part time job I mentioned here.

Hope you and yours are well.

A world of Symphony said...

I hope you aced em' at that interview?

That apart, there will be others!

And when you ace em' with a winner, have a drink for me (the real thing) or a soda :)

Remember our hugs & kisses when you speak to your son.

You take care of yourself and try to remember my advice :)

CG said...

Tainted
It is great to see you blogging, but hard to see you have so much anguish going on.
All will be ok, and the simple fact that you get out of bed every day (you do, don't you??) means you will be fine.
Once you realise that life sucks, where ever you are in it, then you will be able to accept it and embrace every day as a step forward.
XX

Tainted Female said...

LOL CG... Yeah, I'm getting out of bed each day. And I'm doing a hell of a lot better here then I did in Dubai. I do miss talking to ya though.

Blogging again is hopefully one of my attempts at keeping something steady. If I can write something, anything at least once every couple of days, I haven't lost my love of writing.

And yeah, life sucks. But being as honest as I can about why my life sucks (it's mostly me and I can't blame anyone else) is the only way it's ever gonna get better.

Great to see ya here... Do hope you and yours are wonderful.

Mars said...

*hugs* i get feeling like that often enough, but i'm learning to deal with it. inshallah things will right themselves...

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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