Forever Tainted

I have a beautiful resume. I’ve been given a lot of great chances for great learning opportunities. And I continue to be offered them. But I have no aim, no motivation, no direction and little education. I have no routine. I am flakey.

My 5-year-old son is on the other side of the planet with his father, and new step-mother. I can’t stand to be in that country, though I sincerely have a love/hate relationship with it. His father won’t allow him to come here, and in all honesty, I know that’s best for him. I miss him and I know he misses me.

I’ve burned a lot of bridges and I continue to do so. I have a sister I don’t deal with and a grandmother I have not talked to for more than 10 years now. My mother is having seizures, dying from a combination of psychological and physical symptoms, combined with alcohol abuse that is killing her liver and brain cells. She currently believes I’m her nemesis and I have no idea why, when all I’ve done for the past year is try to help her get the help she needs.

I’m great at just about everything I do until I sabotage myself. My talents have all almost dwindled to past-time hobbies. I could have written a book – had an offer once from a publishing house. I could have continued painting and selling art – that went well for a while. I could continue making my jewellery if only I had the motivation to bother selling it – almost everyone says I should. I could have done so many things, but none of them kept my attention for long.

I’ve gained 25 lbs since I’ve been back in Canada, and I have no idea how that happened.

At the end of the day, I’m a 27-year-old loser. I keep asking myself if I’m ready to do something about that, if I’m ready to change that. But even now, I’m not sure.

I’ve enrolled in a correspondence school for a bookkeeping degree. Turns out I have a thing for numbers too. I’ve been offered a position as a financial advisor, a career that takes a hell of a lot of studying and work, with little pay initially, but a brilliant future if you stick to it. I’ve been offered an opportunity to get a real estate license here, but again, that is a career that takes a hell of a lot of study and work, with little pay initially, but a brilliant future if you stick to it. I’m considering taking a part-time job, while I study bookkeeping, and one of the other two options, but I’m not sure enough of myself that I’ll even stick with anything till the end.

It’s about time I threw my hands up in the air and said, “Screw the past when it hurts. Screw my mom for hating me. Screw the fuck-up I’ve been. And it’s time to turn a new page and work on me and my future.” But how the hell do you kill old habits, when it’s really hard to determine exactly what they are and which ones need to go in the first place?