Thursday, December 29, 2011
It’s that feeling you get when your brain takes over and says you need to let go of something you love. I felt it when I left the UAE; left my son, 4 years ago. I feel it now, as I explained (as best I could without turning into a blubbering idiot) to my boss that I was resigning.

The night before last I lay in bed tossing and turning so thoroughly upset over the day’s professional events, I realized I couldn’t spend another night without sleep because of this stress. I got up and sent off a thoughtless email asking for a demotion. ‘I don’t want to be responsible for other people,’ was the gist of it, though I admittedly rambled on about other responsibilities that aren’t near the stressors that this one has been lately.

“I want to serve drinks,” I stated today. I know it’s not really true and said so soon after. I could never be happy with such a job. I need to think, and face mental challenges. If only my emotions could grow with the same gust.

I realized while exhausted yesterday and as I woke this morning, a demotion just isn’t feasible – for the company or for me. So instead, I quit. And my heart is sincerely broken and I so wish there was another way. I’ve tried over the last few months to find a way to better manage, better deal with the stress I am faced with. I have thought about yoga and excessive exercise, and I’ve considered counseling. None of them have stuck, and the stress is now adversely affecting my health and life in general. There’s a problem when you can’t enjoy fucking the one you love, let alone fall asleep because frustrated thoughts of work are getting in the way.

I feel like crap. I feel like I’m taking the pansy’s way out. Once again I’m not strong enough to face life, so instead I’m running away. And this time, I’m letting people down. Just like leaving let my son down. I know they don’t want me to go. I know it is a disadvantage for them for the moment, even if they will be fine without me. I love them. I love my job. And I love my company. I certainly don’t want to bring any negativity or bad their way.

My heart hurts. But I need a nights' rest. I intend to start the New Year on a positive note and I have a few days to get into that frame of mind!

1 words of wisdom:

Justin Burgess said...

I only met you the one time, but even I can see you're being pretty rough on yourself. The woman I met was caring and nurturing to her friends, and very very strong indeed. Without intending to be a pretentious ass, I'd humbly like to suggest a nice hot bath, and some sleep. We all need a change once in a while, it's true - but give yourself some space and a nice break. You deserve it.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.

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