Forever Tainted

I’m not really sure how I’m best to react to your Facebook friend request. I don’t know where it has come from or why you’ve decided you’d finally like to be a part of my life. We haven’t spoken in 17 years. I am very angry at you – more so since my mom died. I’m a grown enough person that I know I can let go of my anger eventually. What concerns me more is whether or not you’ll ever be able to accept how justified my anger towards you is. It really doesn’t matter whether you do or don’t; it’s more that I don’t have room in my life for negativity of any sort – and don’t have the energy even bother if you won’t be able to accept me for all that I am including my feelings towards you. I don’t want to bother, if being me will be met with negativity from you.

I am a grown woman. I’m pretty content with my life the way it is. But that really hasn’t always been the case – and I blame you for a lot of it. I have a father. His name is Martin. He has supported me emotionally for the majority of my life. He is the only person I have ever and will ever know as a father.

I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. To be blunt, I can be a fucking bitch and I’ve said some really nasty things about you because I feel some really nasty things towards you. I won’t ever take them back. I won’t ever be sorry for the way I feel or the things I have said. As far as I’m concerned you deserved them.

What I can do is leave the past, the person you were to my mother and the person you weren’t to me, in the past. And if you’re willing to accept me for who and what I am today – even if that hasn’t always been the most flattering person for you, I can try to accept you for who and what you are today. I will welcome your entrance in my life as I would any long lost relative. If you’re not willing to accept me and my feelings towards you, I have no interest in being your friend – not on Facebook or elsewhere, and I would appreciate it much if you didn’t even bother to reply to this email.

I’ve been having a hard time with stress lately. A little stress is good; it keeps the adrenalin up and helps a person succeed. Not too much… Not so much. It builds up in me, and reflects itself in places it doesn’t belong in my life.

Friday night, Lars and I missed a costume party because I was too wound up to even think about enjoying myself. Saturday, I fell into a tantrum because I couldn’t find my hairbrush. We then spent the evening trying to find an open clinic so I could speak to a freaking doctor about how to best handle my stress, as that was simply ridiculous. The clinics were all closed, or no longer taking patients due to long waiting lists. We went home and to bed. Yesterday, Lars and I decided to try and battle it on our own.

We first went to the flea market, then to Incendiary Tattoos to introduce their new website and talk about the tattoos we’ll be getting in exchange for my work. We then went to the salon, where I got pretty nails and Lars got a pedicure. We wandered the malls, looked at wedding rings (for him and I) and then came home, where I we cuddled up on the couch for a bit where I fell asleep on his lap for a short while. Eventually, he got up and went to work on the shed; I stayed rested on the couch till it was time to make dinner.

It was a very relaxing day. And another day it made me thankful for Lars. Not many men would get a pedicure with you, just to help you smile. (I can’t wait to get the pictures up)!

Today was alright too. I was able to express how stressed out I was to my bosses. I’ve offered a few suggestions to help de-stress the entire office. And we’re all going to work on it together. I love my office. I really, truly do.

I love my Lars.

I'm pretty freaking blessed.

I gave Lars a greeting card tonight. It said, “I want to grow old and disgusting with you.” I’m pretty sure he feels the same and for that I’m pretty lucky. There’s another in the stack, waiting for the right time for me to hand it over. Perhaps, just maybe… I’ll hand it over once he’s had a chance to read and absorb these thoughts of mine.



I lost the true love of my life when I was a teenager. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve written about him & our fairytale-like tragedy. I cannot, until today, forget the man he was, who he made me, and who he became without me, and I without him.

I never thought I’d find a man who’d take his place. And I haven’t. My true love is out there somewhere... And he can go fuck himself. I’ve found someone that means so much more. I found someone whom I know would not let anything, nothing at all get between us. I found a man who might just possibly love me more than I do him (as if that were possible!). I found a man who will fight for me. I found a man I can depend on, without a doubt. I found a man who knows everything about me, and truly loves me still. I found a man who is secure enough in us, that I can be totally honest with him about everything. I found a man I may not always agree with, but love him for him just the same. I found a man that is not my ideal or true love, but my absolute soul mate. I found my match.

Leah… I know you once thought he was your man. He wasn’t. Your man is still out there – only you won’t find him if you don’t stop dwelling on mine, as if he were ever really meant to be with you. You really do need to move on now.

Lars arrived home from Manitoba last night. He’s not allowed to go again any time soon. We missed him far too much around here.

With my mom’s estate issues coming to an end, Lars, my father and I are all planning the future now. We’re taking steps towards Lars & my wedding, me building a home (shhh!), and Lars and I either having or adopting children. At 30 years old, I look and feel better than I have in my entire life. I’m surrounded by more love than I’ve ever known. I am so incredibly blessed. If 2012 is the end of the world, I’d want just one last hug from my son, and I’d be pretty much alright with that.

Every morning you wake up fresh. Whole new sets of decisions are presented to you, because each morning is the first morning of the rest of your life. It dawned on me today, how profoundly true that is.

I’ve come to a place in my life where I realize can choose my fate. I don’t mean that like some godless atheist who thinks they can predict the future, their time of death, or is immortal, but rather, I understand clearly how my actions today will create my tomorrow. I choose to be happy. To be happy, I need to surround myself with people who make me smile. I need to do things I take pleasure in. I need to find what makes me feel physically and mentally happy and I need to use that information to take care of my body, my spirit and my mind because when I’m taken care of, I feel good. I choose to love and be loved – because that makes me happy. I choose to accept my mistakes and embrace lessons as they are presented to me because this makes me grow, and growing, understanding also makes me happy.

When the Whore of Lucifer was just 13 years old, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Anastasia was born on Aug 20th, 1992. With the encouragement of my mom, the stupid cunt being no more suitable a mother 20 years ago than she is today, gave her baby up for adoption. Anastasia found us on Sept 27, 2011. I believe her biological mother Sheila has not succeeded in offering another person on earth a single good thing, but brought only pure evil to this planet and we who inhabit it. Having served no real purpose to anything or anyone, I believe she should douse herself gasoline and light a fucking match. But perhaps I’d missed something. Perhaps Anastasia is the positive purpose of Sheila’s otherwise wasted life? Whatever she is, we will embrace her as a part of our family. We love her already. We will care for her and support her as best we can. And we have 20 years to catch up on.

As I grow up, become more positive, more content, and so much closer to being completely happy, my family is growing. I can’t help but feel perhaps I just didn’t have enough love in the past for me, let alone for others. And now that I do, they’re all migrating towards me. When my mom died, I felt I could count on one hand the number of people I had to fall back on, the number of family members. In fact, I felt like I really only had my step-father and my brother.

Then I found Lars. And with Lars came a family full of love. Each and every one of his family members has done all they can to embrace me and mine as one of their own. They love us. They teach us to love more openly. They are there if we fall – and they’ve made sure I know that includes me too. Lars and I are beginning to plan our wedding now. We’ve been looking into renting a castle for the ceremony, and we’ve asked the greatest hippy we know to marry us. We’ve talked about children too, and have tossed around the idea of adopting, actually – but that is for another entry.

Then I found my brother and sisters. Renee came out with her boys and suddenly I felt a little more whole. Renee and I hit it off right away. For two people who lived such different lives, and who are such different people, we sure do have a lot in common; share a lot of ideals. I love her to death and regret not knowing of her sooner. I’ve yet to meet Brandy, Amanda or Adam and though I can’t wait to meet Brandy and Adam, I’m not so sure about Amanda. She has refused to talk to me at all making clear she doesn’t want or need another sister. She has hardly said a word to me in the months since I added her to my facebook and have reached out to get to know everyone. But then recently, she doesn’t hesitate to give me her address (without a pleasantry, a ‘thank you for thinking of us’ or ‘hello’ even) when I mention my I’m preparing my Christmas list. I can’t help but wonder how much positive energy there is to be found there. I’m starting to think maybe there’s not enough for her, let alone enough for her to share with others. Some people choose to be miserable – and though they blame the whole world for being at fault, they’ve chosen to take those steps that minimize the size of their world – the amount of their happiness, the love they let in. I know that way of life all too well, as I lived it for way too long. I can live without that in my life now. Though I do hope to one day meet her son and my biological nephew Kolton, one day. I have patience.

We had Thanksgiving dinner tonight. My brother, his new lady, her father and brother (who happen to be our neighbors, we'd never met until tonight) all joined Martin and I. It was a fantastic evening, though would have been even better if Lars was closer, especially as today is his birthday. He’s in Manitoba again, falling trees. I miss him a whole lot and cannot wait until he gets home again.

Anyway, it’s been way too long since I shared my thoughts here – and as such, I've rambled on and on and on when all I really wanted to share is, it really is up to you, your happiness. Forgive the long delays between posts. Turns out when you choose to start living life, there’s not a lot of room for much else (at least until you learn to organize your time a little better!!!)!