Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The 22nd and 23rd of December 2010 were like an angry sea of emotions around here. Lars and I were at each other’s throats – both of us saying one thing and being heard as saying another; both of us too stubborn to stand back and look at the situation. By the end, we were both taking cheap shots at one another and I finally decided I was done. I asked that he stay the fuck away from me. He spent the night of the 22nd in the suite next door as I was working too late to leave myself. By the 23rd, we’d calmed down but I was certain I was done with this relationship, this man, this part of my life that has the power to fill me with such hate and loathing for someone I otherwise love.

I was convinced that the holidays were ruined. I was certain I was starting the New Year single and so was he. And then he reminded me he loved me. He reminded me it didn’t have to be the end if we didn’t want it to be. He convinced me that we could learn from this fight, overcome it and be stronger than ever before. He washed away my fears with his conviction. We planned to spend a quiet night together recovering from our emotional blows before family arrived for Christmas.

He came home from work early and unexpectedly. He hugged me. He held my hand and gave me an early Christmas gift, insisting that I open it immediately. It was one of the 1st gifts he bought me.

Inside the perfectly wrapped silver box was a little mahogany box protecting the biggest, most beautiful diamond ring I’ve ever seen! When I told him I wanted diamonds for Christmas, I was half joking and the part of me that wasn’t, wasn’t expecting anything so sincerely grand. With the diamond ring he handed me a little stocking that said, ‘For Very Expensive Little Things’. There was a card inside. He said, “This, you don’t open now. This comes with the ring, but this, you open when you’re ready.”


I knew what was inside the stocking. I was terrified of it. He knew I was terrified of it. That’s exactly why he gave it to me the way he did. We spent that night together cuddling on the couch and discussing the conditions that I might open that stocking. More than the question at hand, I was curious to know what exactly the card said. What romantic words he had to share. It was almost eating me alive. He assured me I didn’t ever have to open the stocking if I didn’t want to. He promised we could wait as long as I wanted if I did open the stocking, for the actual celebration to take place. He agreed to any condition I may or may not choose to set. He just wanted me to know what his wishes were, and what they always would be. I was good with that.

On Christmas Eve, I opened the stocking. The romantic words I’m keeping for me. But know, I said ‘Yes’. We are now engaged to be married. We have not set a date. We will not set a date for a long while yet; not until I’m ready. We’re both ok with that. We both know we are promised to one another.

As for the stormy fight… It wasn’t the first and it probably won’t be the last. But through each of them we learn and grow to love one another more. His mom and sister now stay almost silent when I bitch about him, offering love and support of emotions, but declining to comment as I exclaim that I’m certain I’m done with Lars. It’s like they know that we were meant to be and any strife we may suffer is only temporary, even though I do not see it. They know that as stubborn as I may be and as certain as I am that it’s over, Lars is just as stubborn but certain that we’ll be together 60 years from now. It’s a battle I hope he always wins.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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