Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I’ve been thinking about death all day long it seems. I vaguely recall a time in my life when I was obsessed with death. I thought about it constantly, perhaps I even longed for it. Today’s thoughts have been a stretch from those of the past. Today, my thoughts are more like morbid curiosity. I want to know how I’m going to die.

I wonder if it’ll be sudden, like a car crash which is probable since I have a heavy foot and a need for speed. I wonder if I’ll be murdered, and this small town I live in will have yet another story to whisper among neighbours about so-and-so’s sister. Or perhaps I’ll grow to be an old woman that knits, and complains about the water until she dies in her sleep. Maybe, I’ll be a victim of myself, and depression will eventually win, and I’ll slit my own wrists or swallow so many pills there is no turning back?

I’m not sure why I want to know. I just know the thoughts have been creeping in the back of my mind all day long. And what’s even more frustrating is I know that I’ll never actually know the answer. When I’m dead, I’m dead. I can’t look back and see how I went out. Until then, even the world’s most renowned psychic would have no certainty. It almost feels unfair.

I know for certain that I will die. In fact it’s the only certainty in my entire life. I just wish I knew how it’s going to happen.

2 words of wisdom:

kaya said...

Hey taited
Whats going on.
Long time no see. Your blog is a little hard to read. Is that intentional?
We are arriving Toronto this summer.
Please dont be so down. We are all going to die one day, but let the journey be worth every second.
Seriously there are people begging for a last second , one more moment to spend with their loved ones, when they couldnt say goodbye, or do the things they wanted.
You are young and healthy, try not to be so harsh on yourself.

Tainted Female said...

Hey there Kaya!

Nah, these weren't depressing thoughts, but just curiosity if anything! I'm sorry you read it that way! I love my life. And I also love the freedom to ponder the details of my own death!

So you don't like the new design, huh? I kinda like it and think I'll keep it this way for a while, unless too many people complain, of course!

It's been quiet in my blog for a while. I'm busy working on other things at the moment. So we'll see.

You will be in touch when you reach Canada, correct? Toronto is a long ways away, but it'd be great to meet up if it's possible while you're here!

How are the kids doing? Do hope all is wonderful!

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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