Friday, March 20, 2009
We’ve had a few conversations. Unlike most conversations I’ve had recently, talking with him is a little different. He’s honest, he’s open, and without intent to harm he speaks bluntly. We’ve talked about perspective. We’ve talked about emotions. We’ve discussed human nature and experiences. We’ve dabbled in dreams and spirituality. Out of everything he’s said to me the words, “You’re already fucking dead,” have resonated truest.

Along with those words he mentioned my sincere wish to be dead. Though, that’s hardly the truth. I sincerely wish I was never born. I don’t want to die. There is a difference. I want to turn back time, but with the knowledge I have of life and be given the choice to be born, or not to be born. I would choose not to be born. And I bet I’m not alone in those thoughts.

If you had the choice and the laws of physics didn’t exist would you do it all again? Are the good times worth the bad, knowing that eventually it’s all going to end anyway? And what about eternity, if it exists after death or not; is life worth the chance of eternity in heaven or hell or even no existence at all?

I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I also believe my life has been hell and what I’ve done in my life deserves an eternity in Hell after I die. So if I could do it all again and go back to the nothingness of before my birth, I would choose that.

But if I believed in nothing, if I believed after death it’s just a void like the time before my birth, what the hell is the point of all this wasted time and energy anyway? Why would an intelligent being continually take a bucket of water from one end of the pool and dump it into the other end of the pool trying to change the depth in one way or another? What temporary satisfaction is worth anything at all?

Just what the fuck is the point of it all anyway?

11 words of wisdom:

Anonymous said...

Tainted Female, Please explain how I am everything thats wrong wih the UAE. Please explain that. This isnt the US, the "right" to assemble is NOT guaranteed by this country's constitution.

He was basically in violation of UAE law. DEPORT HIM. Simple.

Oh and honey, I am willing to bet 50K that both my SATs and Toefle scores were much much higher than yours. You are probably more likely to need help with English than me.

Plus, you are a godless heathen who is a "semi-whore" a subhuman to me or anyone decent. your love died at 17? GOOD! Wah wah cry me a river. Your opinions in this matter, or any pertaining to the UAE are lower than my cat's. Please note that.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Oh yes, you are so smart! Im so depressed! sad sad! Im so glad that bastard "love" of yours died!

Tainted Female said...

When you grow up, come on back here and read your own comments over.

Perhaps you'll understand then exactly what I meant.

Until then, stay wonderful.

rosh said...

"Are the good times worth the bad, knowing that eventually it’s all going to end anyway?"

Absolutely, a single positive moment and smile is worth all the bad, and more that comes our way. I've come to believe, the good and the bad, often come attached - the ability (and choice) to see more of the good, is often up to us. Every single aspect of life happens for a reason, most often, it's for the positive. We realize so, in retrospect. Life is our opportunity to exist, to live, to believe, to love, to see and experience everything else there is to. It's indeed worth it all and more.

Tainted Female said...

I wish I felt a smile the way you feel smiles Rosh. And I hope you know reading your thoughts here gave me a reason to smile.

Stay wonderful!

Anonymous said...

Blah blah. Nothing I said wasnt true.

Do you know that if I KILLED your mother in FRONT of you YOU could not be a witness in a court in the UAE. Fact.

So when I called you a sub human. YOU ARE HERE. You are legally considered a subhuman, and a whore just by being you. COOL!

Live with it. Dumbfuck. God, how the fuck to they even issue VISAs for subhumans like you? What good do you bring to the UAE?

Aside form filth and STDs?

Anonymous said...

Stay wonderful!

God, AND you are a hippy!

No, you dont want to respond because I AM RIGHT AND YOU HAVE NO RETORT. Simple.

Tainted Female said...

Actually ABIT,

I didn't reply because I wasn't here; nor am I there, for that matter, darling. It's now 6pm here in CANADA where I am from, and where I live. And I just got home and had the chance to peek at the net before I head out the door again. So accept my apologies in advance for not replying to you immediately if you just happen to be here still, refreshing the page over and over again hoping your outbursts got some emotional response from me. In no way is my absence meant to be taken as an insult to you, nor a symbol of how little your words actually mean to me, but rather it simply suggests that I do have far better things to do than argue with another cliched internet warrior here on my blog. (Unfortunately for you, you're not the first, nor are you the most dramatic, nor the most offensive, not even the best spoken who has attacked me online.)

In the mean-time, a little food for thought... How about you stop talking out of your ass about shit you know nothing about, and use all that extra energy you seem to have and attempt to find your own happiness, rather then waste it on these feeble attempts to make people far stronger than you as miserable as you are? You might find more purpose and more success in the latter.

If you don't wish to stay wonderful...

... just stay you. You're perfect, just the way you are.

MetalPSI said...

A year has passed. Well, that is only time, isn't it?


This is my personal weblog. The thoughts and opinions represented here are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect those of my employers, associates or peers.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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