Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day has always been a Hallmark holiday to me.  It’s just another excuse to force or be forced into wasting money on crap we don’t need – but want to make us feel loved.  I think those are surface feelings though: you know… the feelings that are most prominent, obvious and loud? (It’s often the loudest one of the bunch, talks the most crap). 

This year as Valentines came around I found myself remembering the cinnamon hearts my mom used to give to us kids every year.  I wouldn’t eat them today if I were paid… but I’d give my right arm for my mom to give them to me again.  Then, something clicked in me a month or two back and had me buying Lars one of my favourite colognes for men (which is now one of his – amazing the difference ‘quality’ products can have on a person’s opinion of something as he hated cologne before), and I bought him cute little lover’s scratch cards, and an actual Hallmark card that said, well… everything I needed to say.

We went to bed last night telling one another we weren’t going to celebrate today.  I should say, he went to bed, while I stayed up to watch the last hour of my show, not quite ready for sleep and not needing to be up until much later.  When I tucked myself into bed however, I pulled out the pretty red gift bag, with all his Valentine’s goodies and sat it on the bedside table next to his phone/alarm.

I heard him wake this morning.  And through my own sleep I heard his ‘awwwwe’ as he discovered the gifts.  And as I do almost every morning, I felt him hug and kiss me goodbye before he took off to work.  He came home early, surprising me.  He had a naughty gift of his own: fur lined heavy-duty handcuffs.  Having spent the morning cleaning and arranging the 2nd suite, finally getting it listed and about to make lunch, he instead had me open my gift.  He helped me try them on.  I find it incredible that almost a year into our relationship we can still play with one another like we are still falling in love…  In some ways, I figure it’s because we are… consistently, constantly, truly.  We really were made for each other.

As I’ve said to him more than once today, I love him every day… not just on Valentines Day.  And I know the same is true for the way he loves me, the way he shows his love to me.  This man is always spoiling me. There are so many of them, I hardly remember to mention the little things he does anymore; like the dozen roses that sit on my desk, he brought home to me yesterday.  He loves me and wants to make me smile every day.  Most days he succeeds.   I hope he feels the same about the smiles I give him.

I think just maybe, this love has given me a little more clarity about Valentines Day.  It’s given me a reason to embrace it.  And if my mom were around today to give me little cinnamon hearts – I’d share them with him, but I wouldn’t have to - I’m certain she’d have bought some for Lars too.

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.
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