Forever Tainted

Oh how life gets in the way…

That’s one of my favorite sentences there… I use it often when I feel overwhelmed, busy and like I’ve been neglecting those chores like writing in this blog here... And now that I think about it, I’m not sure I even know what it means… but I’m sure you do. ;)

As I initiate my refresher courses from high school, I can’t help but admire all those 16, 17 year olds that know this stuff off the top of their heads. I get it. I understand it. I remember it. I process it. And a day later, I forget it. I just can’t seem to retain it. I have a feeling it’s because I know subconsciously I will never need to know how one molecule bonds with another, nor will I need to know what the name of this bond is. But blah… I’ll manage.

On the other hand, I already dislike my instructors and their training styles. I’m picky and when an educational institutions orientation course tells you proper internet etiquette is to use the smiley faces like the one at the end of my 1st paragraph here, you just know I’m going to have problems. No joke, they believe that most people are such incompetent writers they can’t express themselves clearly enough without the emoticons. This very well may be true, but should they not then be training those very writing techniques, rather than encouraging a cheap, lazy alternative? Oh how the great authors of the past are probably turning in their graves.

But whatever… When I get tired of them, I get to go to my real job where I work my ass off, all with the underlying dread of having that conversation with the bosses. I just don’t know how it’s going to go, or even what exactly I’m going to tell them. All I know for certain is I’m headed back to Squamish near the end of February, when we’ll have lunch and that conversation is due.

Aside from school and work I’ve been busy, building (or playing with rather) Chrystals.ca. Figuring out Joomla from scratch was a blast! (Read sarcasm). My Jody swears up and down by Wordpress as a content management system, so once I get a bit of time… I just might have to train myself on that instead and switch from Joomla. The truth of the matter is, I just wanted to own that domain. I have no intentions of making anything special out of it just yet.

My mom’s estate matters are slowing coming to an end, with the semi-regular emotional stab of some sort or another. Researching, writing emails, or attending meetings that the lawyer himself forgets while the whore of Lucifer and her current fling remember, inevitably turning into all out brawls, takes up a lot of my time as well.

Lars is keeping himself busy around the house and at work. We had my engagement ring sized to fit last week and as we always do, we made space for a little playtime along the way. I don’t know how I ever lived without this man – he really does complete me, even when he is having one of those days where he has to disagree with everything I have to say… And he always finds a way to make up for his bad days, with incredibly good ones. Last week, for example, he went to my nail salon and booked me an appointment without telling me. He drove me there, dropped me off and then paid the bill. He did it for no reason at all really. He said it’s because he’s proud of me, because he felt I deserved some pampering. Going on a year now and he still makes me feel like a princess. The men in my past… the Arab men who are known for their hospitality seemed to be the complete opposite of that. That’s a completely different blog post though…

We’ve found a renter for one of the basement suites and by this weekend hopefully, we’ll be completely moved out of the other (we’re well on our way now). We spend more time upstairs than we do down.

Finally, I’ve managed to lose about 9 lbs and sadly, little of it is due to exercise. I haven’t had time to jump on my elliptical, nor have I had a chance to visit the gym or even go for a run. It’s purely healthy eating. (It works! You just have to know what healthy eating really is!) We’ve had plenty of homemade truffles, Jello’s and even roasted cashews, lobster and steak. Even my father has lost about 5 lbs with my help around here. Healthy lifestyle is exactly what I’m aiming for, and the reason I’m torturing myself with sciences and mathematics again. It’s in part, exactly why I’m so fucking busy lately.

But as you can see, despite my initial claim that life is getting in the way, I’ve actually been well… living a hell of a lot of life lately; so much so, I just haven’t had a minute to get caught up here, until now.

I woke up this morning to a surprise. For a few days now, I have been trying to get in touch with my son, and for a few days he has been trying to call me right back. But with exactly 12 hours difference, it means one of us is almost always sleeping. This morning, he sent me his very first, ever, text message:



Ali has had his own mobile phone since he was 3-years-old. During the divorce of his father and I, it was about the only way I could get in touch with him while his father was around. And now, it means I can usually get in touch with him without having to go through the hoops of talking to my former in-laws. I’m fine with that – so please leave your criticism about cell phone and kids at the door.

Seeing this text message warmed my heart. Of course, the first thing I did when I opened my eyes was called him and he sounded lovely – as always. He politely asked me to hold while he talked to his cousin, then he enquired about whether or not I wore glasses. He remembers a photo with me wearing sunglasses. He explained that no one helped him with the message; he sent it all by himself. He told me he loved and missed me and mentioned that his health was good. He said that he’d like more mail from me – so I’m going to make a point of sending him just that. And finally, he explained that he was getting an average of 92% in school this year.

I miss him.

I love shiny things, which is one reason I adored Leah S’s nickname for Lars, ‘Shiny Lars’ – the implication being, I help make him shiny. In return, he sure helps keep me shiny too: both literally and metaphorically.

As the legal proceedings for my mom’s estate slowly come to an end, I was recently called into the law office to collect the necklace my mom had left me, the bracelet she left to my sister Kelly and the large Ruby and diamond ring she left to my brother Jesse. Each piece is stunning, though I certainly was left the prize of the lot. The 18k specialty gold chain was appraised more than 15 years ago for over $7500, the matching bracelet left to Kell, more than $2000. More importantly, the necklace was purchased by the one of the Sheikhs in Dubai in 1993, of my father’s choice to bring home to my mom as a gift, with hopes she’d agree to go to visit them the following year. It was all partially about helping her make up her mind about moving us all out there eventually. The following year, when my mother did go with my father to visit, they bought the matching bracelet and my mom made up her mind. We were moving to Dubai. My mother wore the set up until it was believed the weight of it was causing her nerve damage in her arms. So in 2005 when they returned to Canada from Dubai to visit, it went from her neck to the safety deposit box. It was her all-time favourite piece of jewellery, with family history that helped mould the rest of our lives together and I am honoured to wear it now. I am thankful my beautiful sister Kelly will have the matching bracelet.

The ruby ring is almost iconic of my mom, the design so traditionally hers. The quality is perfect excepting the damage created in her last years when she started soldering rings together to make room, or free up fingers, for new additions to her collection. This ring in particular was soldered to the diamond engagement ring my father gave her, that she willed to Sheila, that disgrace of a human being; I hate to refer to as my sister. We expect that ring will be pawned in no time.

My brother, in financial hardship has offered to sell me the ruby ring for a few hundred dollars. I have agreed to purchase it (believing it’s probably worth less), wanting to keep this icon in our family and not trusting that it will last long with him, as he has a very transient lifestyle and very few possessions he holds on to; excepting his computer. Since I don’t have the cash at this moment, I’m so very thankful for Lars to be there, to help make me shinier than he has already.

Still wearing the very first bracelet my father gave my mom, and in possession of the $5 cheap Abalone ring – the very first piece of jewellery he ever bought her, I’m starting to feel a lot like her. My hands resemble hers (you’d be quick to call me a gypsy with all these rings – as many teased her); my neck and wrists also decorated as hers were, I feel heavily shiny and a heavy presence of my mom with me. For some reason, I also feel a lot of guilt. I feel like the jewellery is not mine, but hers. I feel like it should still be decorating her lively self. I feel like my mom should still be alive to wear her own precious pieces.

I wonder if those feelings will ever change…