Forever Tainted

Dumb people never question whether or not they are happy. Maybe... I should stop asking and just be.

But I’m not sure how funny any of them are.

A week or so ago I went camping. While there, I met a boy who was trying hard to make a good first impression on me. In the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of the bush, next to the river, miles from civilization he thought to impress me by showing me his caveman abilities. He tried to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and carry me off caveman-style, forgetting only that he was too drunk to catch and forcing me right over his back and into the wet sand... face first.

With the smash of my face into the ground, and the bleeding nose that followed we made our way back to the cabin.

I woke the next morning with a bruised face, and torn legs and feet. My biggest concern that my nose was still strait after already breaking in my early teen years. But it seems it was my forehead that hit the ground and not my nose, so as the bruises started to heal I thought myself fine...

...until 3 nights ago.

As I slept I felt a rush of liquid gush out of my nose. When I woke, I thought I must have been dreaming and thought nothing of it until I was getting ready for work and it happened again. I pulled a hair brush through my hair and spontaneously, a gush of clear, water-like fluid spilled out of my left nostril. I didn’t have a cold. I had no known sinus problems. Just this fluid. From work I called the nurses hotline and asked her about my symptom. She suggested I go to the hospital immediately. As stubborn as I am, I finished my shift and went only at 11pm that night. I ended up there, then home, then to the ER again only to return home the following morning at 8am. I’ve been on bed-rest ever since. I’ve been told not to cough, not to sneeze, not to push too hard while going to the bathroom, not to pick up anything heavier than the size of a small dog, not to move too fast or too much.

I have a fractured skull.

I can’t help but laugh at it, and that’s probably only because I feel so fine. I’m handicapped though at the moment, realizing I can’t do laundry myself, or even sweep my floors. The fear is that the longer the break stays broken, the longer the brain is no longer sterile, and the higher the risks of getting an infection, meningitis. The only other symptoms I’ve noticed over the past week are sensitivity to sound, head ache and neck ache. But the aches I’ve suffered regularly in the past as well, so I’m not sure how associated they are. I've been told if there is any noticeable change in them, to contact the Dr. immediately.

This morning however, I actually took a look at my face, and realized there is still bruising between my eyes. It's not too obvious, and looks deep, under the skin. And perhaps my recent depressive mood is a symptom as well.

I have a CAT scan being scheduled, and a neurosurgeon has been contacted. The next few weeks are not going to be fun for me at all. But I laugh, and I joke about how I now have a reason to do stupid things, or what being blond didn't accomplish for my intellect, my subconscious is fighting hard to make happen... I was dropped on my head.

And of course, the reason cavemen no longer exist is obvious... Either their killed their potential mates, or they failed so miserably at impressing them, they never got laid.

I think I’m getting depressed again. All I want to do is eat. When I’m not hungry, I want to eat. When I am hungry, my eyes are bigger than my stomach and I’m eating until I’m full... and then some. I am literally just stuffing my face, on anything and everything all the time; except mornings. I’ve never eaten much when I wake.

I think I’m getting depressed and I think food is an attempt to fill some other emptiness I must be suffering but can’t really figure out what or where it is. The only true bad in my life is being so far from my son, and well... mom’s situation. And I try really hard not to dwell on either. I know my son is doing well and we’ll be together as soon as possible. And I know my mom is about as good as she will ever be.

I think I’m getting depressed but everything else is great. My job is fantastic; I’m well compensated for my time, well respected, and comfortable with the daily challenges. I’m starting my own company, officially getting the government licenses in order, the tax accounts, etc. I’ll introduce that in a later post, because it’s an online company, and it’s not quite ready. I’m surrounded by people who love me, people who make me laugh, people whose company I sincerely enjoy.

I think I’m getting depressed and since I’m not really sure why, and since I’m not hurting myself in any real apparent way, as I have done in the past... I’m not sure how to drag myself out of it.

What do you think of the new design?