Monday, August 4, 2008
160 of those pounds are the boy I just walked away from. The rest is all me...

Since the start of this uproar, I haven’t been able to eat. Initially, I tried to force-feed myself only to realize that just made me feel over-bloated and worse than I already felt. Soon, I decided not to fight it. This was the silver lining to my cloud, the good bit that’s coming out of this breakup. I look better, I don’t feel half as fat, and I’m able to fit into a bunch of old clothing that I haven’t worn for months. And it was all in a matter of a few weeks.

I’m starting to worry about it though now. Sometimes, I’ll go for two and a half days without eating a thing. It’s only when I remember that I haven’t eaten in so long that I’m able to force myself to eat half a cup of soup and maybe a piece of bread, or so. And now, when I put anything in my stomach, I automatically want to vomit. I try lying down for a while after I eat. I try drinking lots of water. Nothing takes away the queasiness food seems to give me.

I wonder if this is the start of one of those crappy eating diseases like anorexia or bulimia. No matter how much I feel like I want to throw up right now, I refuse to allow myself to out of fear of becoming bulimic. But forgetting or being unable to eat for days may very well be the start of anorexia. I don’t want or need such an added issue in my life – but I’m willing to bet this is going to end up being my next big challenge. Food feels like an enemy now. It's hard to make yourself do something that feels so shitty.

Always got to be something going on in my life... It’s really starting to suck.

5 words of wisdom:

adevents said...

"Always got to be something going on in my life... It’s really starting to suck."
No it is just started to get interesting let me grab that popcorn first , tainted take care go eat out there and have fun the world still beautiful whatever u r facing there is stil nice and kind and beautiful things out there

Tainted Female said...

I know hun.... It's just real hard to see that sometimes...

A world of Symphony said...

You know what you ought to do?

Get yourself an MP3 player, load all your favorite tunes (metal, rock, grunge - whatever), hook-up your headphones and then slide away into your own world of rhythmic song & dance.

Alrighty, jokes apart!

You ought to take better care of yourself, kiddo! No one can do that for you, but yourself!

So, how about a resolution to begin with?

Mars said...

i'd suggest comfort food...always helps, although not to my hips. they never lie unfortunately.

Tainted Female said...

AWOS... You really are an angel. :) Thank you..

And Mars... That's the problem hun... All food makes me feel like - like physically sick right now. I tried to eat a whole cup of soup tonight... I'll be damned if I didn't spend 20 minutes in the toilet trying to calm my gagging... :(


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