Tuesday, March 29, 2011
So I shall preserve this blog entry here:

Monday, 10 January 2011 21:48

Love and hate are both fantastic emotions. Like just about everything else in life, they are linked. We need to know one to know the other and as core emotions many perceptions, beliefs and personality-traits are conceived of these two basics. I figured this was a great place to start; a place to start my site: Chrystals.ca, a place to start my newest blog, a place to start building a window into my world and how I perceive it.

I feel very strongly about both emotions and I’m lucky enough to feel both for certain people or things. Far too many people hypocritically hate the concept of hate. They tell you hate only hurts you. They want you to believe that hate makes your heart heavy and dark. They tell themselves and other’s it’s unhealthy. When in fact, it’s their hate of hate that makes them so passionate about preaching. Hate makes them so very much in love with love they need to share.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Love and hate are natural, innate parts of what makes us who we are. This is true as individuals, as a society and even as a species. In today’s wannabe-organic world, I know of very few natural things that are bad for you.

Truly accepting that love and hate go hand in hand, we then have to accept that dwelling in any emotion, be it as positive as love, or as negative as hate, or as elusive yet prominent as fear, can damage you and is crippling to your life. My father dwells in hate, my brother in fleeting affairs of love. In my eyes, neither of them is truly healthy. My goal today is to get healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. Following that I wish to help other’s get healthy.

As an ode to my health and other’s, I start by offering you my partial lists Of Loves & Of Hates:

Of Loves…
  • that I have learned of some of the things I love
  • the sound of my son’s voice, his laughter, his smile
  • endorphins
  • true acts of charity
  • learning
  • cuss words like ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’, and;
  • my freedom to use them at will, and;
  • the discretion to know when it is and is not appropriate
  • the acts of love (and loving the one(s) I’m with)
  • good people, food, and family
  • odd numbers
  • old-fashioned snail-mail

Of Hates…
  • being as far away from my son for as long as I have been
  • my grandmother on my mother’s side
  • my step-sister
  • my love of fried, carb-filled foods
  • BC Ferries
  • ICBC
  • any large monopoly, that thanks you for choosing/using them
  • losing touch with loved ones
  • it when people butcher my Arabic name, AlAnood (so I don’t use it in the west)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sometimes all it takes is a look deep inside; we just need to listen to our bodies, deepest thoughts, and our subconscious feelings, in order for everything to make sense… to slowly fall back into place in order that we become ourselves again.

I’m starting to feel a whole lot better. 

I still feel very wronged by a number of people, but with clarity I realize the problem is more with them than I.  I was taking things far too personally.  The issues and the reactions say a lot more about their integrity than they do mine.  Despite any rash or unjust judgements, I’m still exactly the same person with exactly the same morals and self-respect I’ve always prided myself on.  And I have some very clear personal answers (that I shall keep private) as to why I felt so emotionally overwhelmed by it all as well.

I still feel physically sick.  I have a sore throat, that had Lars and I in emergency for a while last night.  It’s odd because I just finished a course of antibiotics for that horrible bleeding each infection.  But today, with the help of some mild painkillers and local anaesthesia that numbs, even that feels improved.

I am certain as winter turns to spring and the clouds and sunshine battle in the skies for a dominant standing, I will face a couple of very trying weeks ahead.  I’m thankful I have Lars to lean on.  I’m thankful I have understanding, loving people I can turn to in all directions.

I’m thankful the worst things in my world at this time really are with me and I do have the power to change them… even if the change that’s needed is in me.
Monday, March 21, 2011

I’m trying my hardest to fight off a severe internal bitterness right now.  It’s been looming, growing even, in my core for weeks now.

And we’ve had a few seemingly great days around here, at least on the surface.  We were able to enjoy my birthday party; in fact, some of us had too much fun:

Photobucket

But deep inside, I can’t help but feel I’ve taken one too many god-damned blows lately, in every aspect of my life. 

I am doing all that I can to fight off bitterness towards loved ones and acquaintances alike; too many having recently passed ill judgement on me without any facts or a willingness to even hear/read them. 

I am doing all that I can to try and mend and repair some very severe damage that has been inflicted on my core, while I can’t help but feel bitter for the tainted light that I’ve been bathed in - after being beaten to a pulp or kicked while I was down.

Rub two rocks together long enough and they’ll catch fire.  It’s absolutely fucking despicable to chastise the rocks for igniting.  It’s absolutely fucking despicable to make accusations of a fire, despite not seeing it for yourself.  And I’m kind of sick of feeling like either of those damned rocks.

I know some people meant absolutely no offense towards me.  I know they have their own load of stresses, and personal concerns.  What I don’t know is… I don’t know that it’s worth the effort anymore.  

And this little bit isn't about them... it's about me.

I’m kept awake at night in anger, frustration, and contemplation about whether or not mending anything is really worth my trouble.

The frustration and bitterness isn’t subsiding but increasing as time goes by.  I don’t know that I’ll be able to just forget and move on like this.

Perhaps instead it’s time to reevaluate a few more situations and make some very, very severe changes.

I sincerely believe that if I’m not happy with something in my life, I should be in control of changing it.  But what happens where I am happy, I am not in control, and the only viable solutions tend to come with loss and pain of its own, then?

I’m guessing, eventually, a person just snaps.

I feel like I’m on the verge.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The last 24 hours have been emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausting.  I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.

Today… today has been calm and quiet.  I made sure it would be.  I ignored every ounce of drama and removed every possible hint of its conception from my immediate surroundings the moment I opened my still-tired-eyes.  I have been deeply saddened; perhaps even in a state of mourning over what I am now certain is irreparably broken.  Even still… today has been a good day. 

I predict each day from here on out will only get better.

Today the hospital discharged just enough patients from the right departments to let our loved one, who is still in hospital, finally move from the ER to a private room.  May he finally sleep like a baby, heal quickly and get home to his wife.  And may those who love and worry for him rest a little better tonight too.

Today, the sun came out for a while and we got warm while driving around, without the car heaters on.

Today, I checked the mailbox and there was a surprise birthday card, a beautiful quartz necklace and some priceless pictures of my baby brother (the one I just recently found), waiting for me.  I cannot even start to explain how much joy this simple gesture has given me.

Today, despite my core hurting, despite coping with unspeakable pains, has been a day full of good, and love, and calm.

Tonight, I’m going to sleep like a baby.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You can’t offer a person a glass of tainted wine, with the capsules clearly visible and then claim you’re offering them nourishment, scream at them for not accepting your gesture, while they watch you try to poison them.

Likewise, you can’t claim you’re trying to make amends, make up, and get over a falling out, while still assaulting and insulting, furious your futile attempts at reconciliation fail.

It just doesn’t work.

Today is my 30th birthday.  I’ve learned a lot in my 30 years.  Mostly, I’ve learned I don’t have room for negative influences.  I don’t have the patience to deal with the bullshit. 

We don’t have the time on planet earth to give in to sour, sick, exaggerated feelings. 

We love.  We hate.  We feel torn.  We live. We laugh. We cry.  We hurt… both others and ourselves.  We learn.  We laugh some more. We cry harder.  We scream louder, and then we whisper softer.  We feel ambivalence, and abundance.  We love more.  We hate more. We get to know passion like the back of our hands, and then like any flaming romance it eventually dulls, even bores.  Then we’re faced with the choice:

Do we seek something greater, higher, deeper, and more extravagant? Or are we content with what we have, what we know?

When it comes to emotional roller coasters, I’ve had my share.  And I’ve decided that I’m content and do not need to know a deeper love nor hate.  I do not need to express my anger over days of insult, childish, dramatic, totally dysfunctional behaviour.  And I don’t wish to associate with those who have reached adulthood and still feel the need.  I love through and true, and I have chosen to love you.

Life is not easy.  Nor is love.  We learn to communicate effectively to get the responses we need… Or, as the battle of the fittest works we keep losing – over and over again.

If you really want me to drink that glass of wine… next time you pour it… leave the pills aside.
Saturday, March 12, 2011

It’s been a crappy week, from start to finish.

I know I’m hated.  I’m ok with that.

Today though… I learned that I’m hated enough for someone to try and kill me.  I’m not so ok with that.

Let me explain…

A few days into my recent Squamish trip, I woke in the morning, jumped in my car and headed to my nieces house.  We were off to the city to buy salon shampoo (she’s a certified hair dresser and I have great hair)!  On the way, I noticed my emergency brake warning light was on.  My other brakes worked just fine and so I figured I’d have it looked at when I came back to the island.  Afterall, I’d recently had my brakes checked and they are still under warranty.  I didn’t worry much about it at all.

Today, my father took my car to the mechanic.  He came home, interrupted me from work (something he never does) to tell me what the mechanic had shared.  In 30-years the mechanic had never seen a nut loosen the way mine was loosened on it’s own.  My brakes had almost certainly been tampered with.  The mechanic warned, and questioned whether or not I had any real enemies.

I suppose my heart should be racing right about now. 

I should probably be shitting myself about the fact that someone actually made an attempt to take my life.  When I think about it really, really hard, I guess it does make my stomach tighten.  But more than fear, I question who… and I can think of two people, both so stupid they’d probably mistakenly choose to sabotage my e-brake rather than my actual breaks, and only one person logical.

In case I do get murdered (or my sister Kelly is hurt in any way for that matter), let me say right now: the most logical person I can think of, the only person who resides in Squmaish whom I believe hates me enough and has the insanity, the audacity to try such a stunt is Kelly’s ex John (I leave his last name out of this for the sake of my niece and nephew who carry the same name, only).  Putting John aside, the unlikely suspect, the only other person who hates me as much, would by my other sister, Sheila Fouchier.

Now please don’t misunderstand, I am not accusing either person of attempted murder.  I have no proof and I’m not one to talk out of my ass.  I’m saying if I could search the deepest corners of my mind and consider all possible suspects who have the hatred, the lack of conscience, the absolute insanity that I’ve met in my life, it would be one of those two people.

It’s pouring again. 

This is not the end of the drama in my life right now.  I’m still recovering from my illness.  Loved ones are ill and in hospital – Lars and I may make a trip tomorrow morning to offer love and positive energy.

Lars has decided he needs a new job as well as I, his current not meeting all his needs. 

A major earthquake hit Japan, a devastating Tsunami followed.  The images haunt me as I selfishly ponder our own expected quake.

My father mis-heard and ended up buying new tires for my car, rather than having them rotated costing him $400 more than he intended to spend today.

My nail broke and looks all fucked up.

I haven’t cleaned my house, or even unpacked since my Squamish trip I’ve been so sick and unwell.

Oh, and someone wants me dead.

It’s pouring again.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
So I woke up this morning and the pain has subsided a little.  Normally, I’d assume that’s a sign of healing.  But normally, pain reduction wouldn’t be accompanied by bleeding.  My ear is bleeding.  Add that to being deaf, having a dry cough that keeps me awake at night, and it’s not a pretty picture.  I’m not a pretty picture.

We can add guilt to the mix now too.

When I realized I was bleeding, I sent an email to the bosses, letting them know the situation in case I fail to function at my regular standards, somewhat or somehow today.  Also knowing the pain has subsided, and that finding someone to cover my shift tonight would be a bitch; I was fully prepared to work through it – despite waking up still feeling miserable, and even a little pissed off over yesterday and still ill.

Now I feel horribly guilty though too.  My boss responded pretty-much forbidding me to work tonight, reassuring me that had she known I was feeling that foul yesterday I wouldn’t have worked that shift either.  Now, I feel overwhelmingly bad for being so bitter, for half contemplating taking a snowboarding day today, for being such a total bitch.

Why do I have to be such a bitch?

I really am very lucky.  I have a job that I love and very understanding bosses.  I am contemplating my future with this company, and though I haven’t had a chance to blog about it, that talk I was dreading, did take place and did go very well.  When the time is right, I’ll make up my mind about all options and share them here… for now… I just need to remember how truly lucky I am…

Well that... and I need to go to bed.

I’m going to bed.
Sunday, March 6, 2011

If home is where my heart is, then home is in Dubai with my son, on the island with Lars, my brother and my father, in Squamish where my sister, nieces, nephew and my company are.  Home is also in Ontario where my other siblings reside.  They say that home is where the heart is… but what if your heart is shattered, in pieces all over the place? Where does that really leave you?

Could the concept of home be as abstract as to be a temporary concept?

I have a fever.  My head hurts.  My throat and ears ache.  I’m sick.  It’s fully possible I’m thinking in circles.  I blame the snow.

But I’m back on the island… back home.  I didn’t tell Lars I was coming (a week or so earlier than planned).  He had made plans for the boys to come visit for the weekend, and I felt a little like I crashed their boy-party because of it.  I made jello-shots to make up for it (and to test them in preparation for my birthday party coming up), and spent the rest of the time (for the most part) in bed trying to fight off this illness. They had a good time just the same.  And… I like knowing that Lars gets love from all directions, even when I’m not here.

Lars was happy to see me.  When he told Lance I’d surprised him, Lars responded to Lance’s “UhOh” with, “No man, it’s a good thing.”  I guess it’s hard for most people to understand that for the most part, Lars and I like each other, enjoy each other, and want to be around one another…  I thought the ‘UhOh’ was cute, for what it’s worth.

Disclaimer

This is my personal weblog. The thoughts and opinions represented here are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect those of my employers, associates or peers.

I am forever changing and always staying this same; a true living contradiction and as such, my thoughts and opinions change frequently. I may or may not still hold the same opinions noted in out-of-date posts.

By reading my blog, you agree to accept these realities as absolute truth.

Me

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No matter where I am, I'm lost and learning to like it. I'm a living contradiction, and the best lies I tell are the ones I tell myself.

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